Guest pudley Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I have been in australia 19 years I am 40 have two children aged 11 and 9(divorced their australian father) have lots of connections to uk inlcuding english husband and his family.....Seeing a counsellor about this as most days I cry about wanting to go back to UK. I cannot until kids are older and not in financial position to go back more than once every 2 years....even that breaks the bank !!! Dictates everything I do....I dont have rose coloured glasses on its just where home is ! came out here when I was 17 dragged by parents who are still here in Aus...Miss all the usual things and just miss the intangible thing that is England...Has any one felt this or been in same situation...any solutions ideas. Thinking about going to court to try and get the ok to move back but I dont think have much of a chance at all !!!! Any advise would be great thank you !!:arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 So sorry to hear that things are that bad for you. I can relate - for the most part but I am in a position where I can afford to go home (and I do!!!!) on a regular basis because I reckon that if DH insists on us staying here he can support my jet setting habit (and he does!). I think you are on the right track with counselling - I hope you have a good one. At the moment I am vaccilating between ACT Therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as being the best approaches. I tend to use CBT myself but I do like ACT (If you can find a book in the bookshop called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, have a look at it, it gives a whole new way of viewing the world.) Some of the strategies I use are positive self talk - whenever someone asks how I am am, I say "Absolutely fantastic!!!!!" with smile etc. Say it often enough and you do sort of begin to believe it - it's a highly technical term called fake it til you make it:biglaugh: Another thing I do is thought stopping - it works for me but it doesnt make the thoughts go away, it just sort of puts them on the back burner (compare it with ACT which leads you to be able to accept that they are there and get on with life). Very simple - find yourself thinking how much you want to be at home say (or think) STOP!!!! This is a going home thought and I will only think about you between 3pm and 4pm, make an appointment to come back. Then sit down and if the thoughts reoccur between 3 & 4 then spend some time with a cup of coffee and think about them, write down what the issues are and for each issue see if you can come up with a plan that you can live with. Otherwise just ignore them and make an appointment for them to crop up at 3pm the next day. You do need to have a repertoire of positive thoughts to replace it with though - like writing your novel or filling in your family tree or even replaying the latest Rufus Sewell movie in your mind (Thank goodness for Rufus, he can distract me from almost anything!!!) Set yourself time frames - if you can plan a trip home, count down the days (they will go very fast). Get yourself another source of income so you can go home more often, engage in some volunteer activity, go to the gym and get fit - in other words, cram as much into your day as you can. If you find yourself in floods of tears - allow yourself some cry time (OK so people who have never been in this situation thinks that is stupid but heavens forbid that they ever get to that stage in their lives!!!) For me it was shower time - DH wondered why I was having 20 min showers given the water restrictions blah blah, so I told him - talk about gobsmacked, he didnt really get the depth of the feeling until then. (For me there were a whole lot of other work related things going on which have magically resolved themselves since I quit that job but that is another matter). I am always happy to chat - I dont have magic answers but it sometimes helps to know that you are not Robinson Crusoe, that these things can be managed - it just takes a bit of work! Meanwhile, check out the "leaving" situation and see if you can take the kids home - now would definitely be the time to do it because it could be trickier for them as they got further into secondary school and the gap between the two systems would be blatantly obvious. Good luck with it all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 My parents took me to Africa and then to New Zealand when I was fifteen and I hated it absolutely hated it, mum hated it it was awful. They were there for eight years by then of course I had grown up and my parents moved over to Perth where my dad's brother had emigrated to and I went to Sydney to live with friends. I loved Australia from the beginning much better than NZ for me and I also still missed family and had constant thoughts of returning to England as still did my Mum. In those days it was way out of everyone's league to just hop on a plane like I can now. I married a Scot who was at sea and returned to England to live and hated it at first then I got to love it. My husband never had any intention of staying in England as he hated the weather so we then came back to Australia and I hated it here missed all those things that were familiar in England. We survived I worked we had children here and we have been back to the UK but neither of us would return to live now. My mum went to live in the UK when I was 17 took my brother and stayed a year and then came back. She went over lots of times and Dad didn't until he retired and they went for three months, stayed a month and came back early. Life is what we make it wherever we live. We being older like a quiet life when I was young I loved the city and all that goes with it. Now its the space and quiet places we enjoy. If I want to know what is happening in UK I read the online papers, my cousins keep me uptodate and husband's family. I just regret that my mum and I spent so many years yearning for something that actually only existed in our minds. When I am in the UK now it does not look like the UK I remember it looks just like down town Melbourne, Sydney any other big city with all different people of every colour and culture. My children have british citizenship my son will not return, maybe my daughter will who knows its their life and they have to live it and I am happy for them to live wherever they like, after all we have. I too do cbt and we call them ants the thoughts that you do not want. :notworthy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 There's a book called mind over mood which also gives some good self help strategies. Focus on the fact that you know you are going to go back (the only thing you don't know is when), so channel your energies into planning that - what will you need to do to achieve that - perhaps going to court may be one of the options you have to consider - what are the pros and cons for this option - make a list as it often helps to see things in black and white and you can then dismiss the options you know aren't viable. As Quoll suggests, (and it's something i tell my clients to do) allow a time to think about your worries/concerns etc., but not to let it to over-run their life or consume your thoughts. Crying isn't a negative thing - it's an emotion that needs to be exressed - if you keep it all in .... it only finds another way of coming out. Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pudley Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 There's a book called mind over mood which also gives some good self help strategies. Focus on the fact that you know you are going to go back (the only thing you don't know is when), so channel your energies into planning that - what will you need to do to achieve that - perhaps going to court may be one of the options you have to consider - what are the pros and cons for this option - make a list as it often helps to see things in black and white and you can then dismiss the options you know aren't viable. As Quoll suggests, (and it's something i tell my clients to do) allow a time to think about your worries/concerns etc., but not to let it to over-run their life or consume your thoughts. Crying isn't a negative thing - it's an emotion that needs to be exressed - if you keep it all in .... it only finds another way of coming out. Ali Thank you everyone really appreciate all the help....I think its all goos I really need a plan of attack.I am seeing the chamber magistrate next week to see whats what if I go to court. So will see how that goes . Will keep in touch thank you all again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pudley Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 So sorry to hear that things are that bad for you. I can relate - for the most part but I am in a position where I can afford to go home (and I do!!!!) on a regular basis because I reckon that if DH insists on us staying here he can support my jet setting habit (and he does!). I think you are on the right track with counselling - I hope you have a good one. At the moment I am vaccilating between ACT Therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as being the best approaches. I tend to use CBT myself but I do like ACT (If you can find a book in the bookshop called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, have a look at it, it gives a whole new way of viewing the world.) Some of the strategies I use are positive self talk - whenever someone asks how I am am, I say "Absolutely fantastic!!!!!" with smile etc. Say it often enough and you do sort of begin to believe it - it's a highly technical term called fake it til you make it:biglaugh: Another thing I do is thought stopping - it works for me but it doesnt make the thoughts go away, it just sort of puts them on the back burner (compare it with ACT which leads you to be able to accept that they are there and get on with life). Very simple - find yourself thinking how much you want to be at home say (or think) STOP!!!! This is a going home thought and I will only think about you between 3pm and 4pm, make an appointment to come back. Then sit down and if the thoughts reoccur between 3 & 4 then spend some time with a cup of coffee and think about them, write down what the issues are and for each issue see if you can come up with a plan that you can live with. Otherwise just ignore them and make an appointment for them to crop up at 3pm the next day. You do need to have a repertoire of positive thoughts to replace it with though - like writing your novel or filling in your family tree or even replaying the latest Rufus Sewell movie in your mind (Thank goodness for Rufus, he can distract me from almost anything!!!) Set yourself time frames - if you can plan a trip home, count down the days (they will go very fast). Get yourself another source of income so you can go home more often, engage in some volunteer activity, go to the gym and get fit - in other words, cram as much into your day as you can. If you find yourself in floods of tears - allow yourself some cry time (OK so people who have never been in this situation thinks that is stupid but heavens forbid that they ever get to that stage in their lives!!!) For me it was shower time - DH wondered why I was having 20 min showers given the water restrictions blah blah, so I told him - talk about gobsmacked, he didnt really get the depth of the feeling until then. (For me there were a whole lot of other work related things going on which have magically resolved themselves since I quit that job but that is another matter). I am always happy to chat - I dont have magic answers but it sometimes helps to know that you are not Robinson Crusoe, that these things can be managed - it just takes a bit of work! Meanwhile, check out the "leaving" situation and see if you can take the kids home - now would definitely be the time to do it because it could be trickier for them as they got further into secondary school and the gap between the two systems would be blatantly obvious. Good luck with it all! yeah we rent and the reason we rent is that we go back when we can......I think I need to go to court really....life i so short and you only get one shot I and I dont want it to be here ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alcocainmel Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Thank you everyone really appreciate all the help....I think its all goos I really need a plan of attack.I am seeing the chamber magistrate next week to see whats what if I go to court. So will see how that goes . Will keep in touch thank you all again. What an awful position to be in and I really feel for you!! Sending you hugs and hope that you get some good news when you see the magistrate next week!! Deb xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kenpom Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I know too about being homesick ( we are in NZ ), and have been for just over 4 years. I have a job offer in Sydney and we are coming for a holiday in August. When I get very homesick for England, I go and buy a copy of the overseas Express and it p isses me off so much that it makes me see what we have on this side of the globe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 .life i so short and you only get one shot I and I dont want it to be here ! That's as good a reason as any I reckon. Fingers crossed that all goes well for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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