koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies "Me see millions of stars." “What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks "Tonto you plonker, someone has stolen our tent!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 LOL, Top one ! Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tony and sheena Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Three big mammas in the American deep south are discussing their husbands. The first big mamma says, "I calls my husband Kissa." "Ooh," says the other two, "why you calls your husband Kissa?" "I calls my husband Kissa cos he's a great kissa." "Well," says the second big mamma, "I calls my husband Hugga." "Ooh," says the other two, "why you calls your husband Hugga?" "I calls my husband Hugga cos he's a great hugga." The third big mamma says, "I calls my husband Southern Comfort!" "Southern Comfort?" says the other two. "Ain't that some kind of fancy liquor?" "Uh huh" nods big mamma!:biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tony and sheena Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Two little boys started school and picked up a few choice words. Next morning at breakfast, Mum asks the first little boy what he would like for brekkie. "I'll have a f***ing boiled egg," says the little boy. The mother slaps him round the ear and says, "don't you ever say that again." She then turns to the second little boy and asks, "Now, what would you like for breakfast?" "I dunno," says the second boy, "but I definitely don't want a f***ing boiled egg!":biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 The Polite Way to Pee During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."the teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table. "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest fairbloodydinkum Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Another lone Ranger... Tonto and TLR (short version) out in the desert and surrounded by ten thousand screaming indians... TLR looks at Tonto and ses "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TONTO? WERE SURROUNDED BY TEN THOUSAND SCREAMING INDIANS!" Tonto looks back at TLR and ses "WHAT YOU MEAN 'WE' PALEFACE?":twitcy: -------------------------------------------------- ahh dear...so much time on ones hands what.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 The Captain & The Camel A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No. Not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tracy123 Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 A man was running late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them. My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Broughtons Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 A fella is walking through the jungle when he sees a Lion , lying dead, blood everywhere , guts spilling out , head bashed in , a terrible state, he thinks " Oh hell what happened here?" then he sees a pygmy standing next to it . "what the heck happened to the Lion , says the man?" " I killed it" says the pygmy, looking all happy with himself. "how the hell did you do that?" says the man "with my club " says the pygmy "Jesus, how big is it?" says the man "theres about 25 of us " says the pygmy :twitcy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mongrel Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 A woman out ona date with a black guy She says Hey honey show me its true what they say about black men So he stabs her and nicks her purse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me" "Oh, yes, Bruce", she says. Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me." "Oh yes, Bruce" she says. "Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm." "Oh, yes, Bruce", she says. "The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me." "Oh yes, Bruce," "Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me." "Yes Bruce." "Shirl." "Yes, Bruce?" "You're bloody bad luck" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest melissa Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 What's the difference between a JCB and a giraff? One's got hydrolics, the other's got highbollox. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 Melissa, that is so rude. And your speling is atrosious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest melissa Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Melissa, that is so rude. And your speling is atrosious! My name is Darren and i have drunked five red stripes, I'll have you know i'm an interlect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 Darren...do us all a favour and go to bed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koalakids Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 This will make you chuckle. I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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