Aprilfool Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Hi I am just wondering if anyone can offer some advice! We are moving to Brisbane next July (I am a PR and my 2 eldest children are Aus Citizens). We are currently in the process of my husband and daughter getting their visas. When the initial talks about moving to Australia began (18 months ago) all the kids were very up for going, especially my eldest son (who has aspergers) he is very proud of his Aussie roots and would like to return (not live there since he was almost 4, now 16). Teachers told me he would light up when talking about it and was super enthusiastic about all things Australian. However... he now has a girlfriend of 5 months and is stating he doesn't want to go and he is going to move in with a friend! As I am sure you can imagine its causing a great deal of stress to us all! We are still 14 months of moving so I am not taking all of it too seriously as relationships tend to come and go at that age. He is getting very stressed and anxious about it all which is part of his aspergers also. I have asked his to come for 6 months and see what he thinks as then he will be 18 (6 months after we move) and he can decide what he wants to do after that. Has anyone got an advice surrounding legalities with that age group? He will be 17 when we go and I currently receive PIP payments on his behalf as it is highlighted he needs additional support. I can't really make decisions based on him being a typical 17 year old. Am I right in thinking that I am still legally responsible for him until he is 18? I have said this to him but I don't want to come across all heavy handed and make him feel I am forcing him to go. Sorry for the rant it has just all come to a massive head and I could really do with some advice!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Would he be able to look after himself and live comfortably if he stayed behind? Is he capable of working, or does he have plans for further education? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aprilfool Posted April 21, 2016 Author Share Posted April 21, 2016 Would he be able to look after himself and live comfortably if he stayed behind? Is he capable of working, or does he have plans for further education? I don't think he is ready to live independently just yet. We encourage independence with him but he still needs support. Perfect example... We went away over night so allowed him to stay home (my parents were only a couple of minutes away and we have good neighbours who knew he was there) we came home to a fridge full of off food as he had unplugged the fridge to charge his phone the night before! He would have not even registered and continued to eat the off food if we had not spotted it. On another occasion our toaster defaulted and he didn't pop it up even though it was smoking and smelt he just stood waiting for it to pop! He is starting a level 2 course in computer games development this September, his grades would allow him level 3 but as we leave in a years time there was no point in him applying for level 3. We had previously looked in to the next stage of his education at TAFE in Brisbane. He will be fine in the right job when he is older but he wouldn't cope say at McDonald's while he is studying. He is a fantastic boy and copes amazingly well but he does need support (sometime more than he realises!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 A very tricky situation, I think your suggestion of 6 months is very sensible - what is his girlfriends situation, could she maybe come over on a WHV? As you say at that age 14 months is a long time but if there was a plan that didn't involve being separated from her the draw of Australia may return. He can legally leave home so you cannot force him to go to Australia but he would not be able to rent anywhere or be entitled to any benefits so essentially he would need someone willing to take him in and be able to work to support himself. At 17 I would have probably left home if my parents had wanted to move me away from my boyfriend and I expect with Aspergers he will feel things even more intensely. I have no idea why you want to move to Australia and there may be pressing reasons but given he is an Australia citizen already there is no urgency to go before he is 18, could you possibly delay a year or two? Ultimately as an adult he will need to decide whether he wants to live near the support of his family or not and as a dual citizen then luckily that can be wherever you are. If he wants to work in the gaming industry he is far better off in the UK - we are world leaders, it is one of the minor reasons we moved back as that is my son's desire and Dundee University is rated in the top 5 in the world - the other 4 being in the US. I am not saying there is no industry in Australia but it would definitely be a harder career to pursue there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aprilfool Posted April 21, 2016 Author Share Posted April 21, 2016 I don't think he is ready to live independently just yet. We encourage independence with him but he still needs support. Perfect example... We went away over night so allowed him to stay home (my parents were only a couple of minutes away and we have good neighbours who knew he was there) we came home to a fridge full of off food as he had unplugged the fridge to charge his phone the night before! He would have not even registered and continued to eat the off food if we had not spotted it. On another occasion our toaster defaulted and he didn't pop it up even though it was smoking and smelt he just stood waiting for it to pop! He is starting a level 2 course in computer games development this September, his grades would allow him level 3 but as we leave in a years time there was no point in him applying for level 3. We had previously looked in to the next stage of his education at TAFE in Brisbane. He will be fine in the right job when he is older but he wouldn't cope say at McDonald's while he is studying. He is a fantastic boy and copes amazingly well but he does need support (sometime more than he realises!). Thank you for your reply, I agree with everything you are saying it's just so difficult and we have 3 children not just one! My husband gets annoyed as he feels like our whole lives revolve around my oldest son and what he wants! The original reason I agreed to move back to Australia was because my son had been wanting to meet his biological father and get to know him (long complicated story!) and I felt if we went over as a family we could support him with this as I know it will be difficult! I had never entertained going back at all, my husband really wanted to move. My son is completely indecisive with everything! He's not 100% on the games industry he just likes games so decided he is going to try that as he doesn't know what he wants to do. I cannot pull the whole families dream to go just because he is kicking off! Also by not going next year will cause issues with our other children's education. I suggested his girlfriend coming over and his reply was that he couldn't ask her to leave her family for him! My reply was that he was willing to leave his for her! I just don't see that he could live in his own and I wouldn't want to put on family for him to stay with them as he can be really hard work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 I wouldn't stress about it too much at moment, tell him you'll support him in whatever decision he chooses to make as you respect him as a young adult and leave it at that...the relationship may end or he may just change his mind but if you are arguing over it he may force himself to stay even if he doesn't really want to just to prove he can... or it could ruin open communication between you both...it's while off yet, million things can happen so I say just support him and see how it goes....I've done that with fridge too and when our toaster didn't pop my mum just managed to stop me putting a knife in it to sort it out lol...live n learn n your less careful when you know mum n dad will pick up pieces!...sounds pretty normal to me lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aprilfool Posted April 21, 2016 Author Share Posted April 21, 2016 I wouldn't stress about it too much at moment, tell him you'll support him in whatever decision he chooses to make as you respect him as a young adult and leave it at that...the relationship may end or he may just change his mind but if you are arguing over it he may force himself to stay even if he doesn't really want to just to prove he can... or it could ruin open communication between you both...it's while off yet, million things can happen so I say just support him and see how it goes....I've done that with fridge too and when our toaster didn't pop my mum just managed to stop me putting a knife in it to sort it out lol...live n learn n your less careful when you know mum n dad will pick up pieces!...sounds pretty normal to me lol thanks Lorna xx I think everything has just come to a head now applications have gone in and things are becoming more real. He is also massively stressed about GCSE's and moving to college so think it all just impacting on his emotional state! I know what you mean on the toaster/fridge stuff we've all done it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 If he doesn't want to go, are there family members he could stay with? That might give him the prospect of stability while he heads toward a career but he can pull the plug at any moment because he has the passport. I wouldn't stress about the girlfriend, young loves tend not to last. It sounds like he is being quite rational about not asking her to leave her family - the difference is that he is choosing to remove from his family she's not asking him to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aprilfool Posted May 4, 2016 Author Share Posted May 4, 2016 If he doesn't want to go, are there family members he could stay with? That might give him the prospect of stability while he heads toward a career but he can pull the plug at any moment because he has the passport. I wouldn't stress about the girlfriend, young loves tend not to last. It sounds like he is being quite rational about not asking her to leave her family - the difference is that he is choosing to remove from his family she's not asking him to. Sorry for the late reply, yes he could stay with family but not sure he would cope with them and vice Versa. Things have moved on slightly since my post and he is now agreeing to come with us on a trial period. I also explained that the GF will be in her final year of A levels and will need to study lots so some time apart might be a good thing. Also suggested maybe once she's finished they could take a gap year and travel Australia together (this seemed to go down very well). In the meantime just have to take each day in the ever changing life of a teenager! Thanks for the advice and support! I'm sure it's not over yet but for now we at the calm after the storm x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Glad things have settled down for you April- one minute it is one thing and the next they change at that age, even without the aspergers. Hopefully he will now stay focussed on going. I would be hurrying it up in case he changes his mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aprilfool Posted May 4, 2016 Author Share Posted May 4, 2016 Glad things have settled down for you April- one minute it is one thing and the next they change at that age, even without the aspergers. Hopefully he will now stay focussed on going. I would be hurrying it up in case he changes his mind! Thanks starlight! I wish I could hurry things up! I think it's just such a stressful time for us all as I am finishing my degree this year and he is doing his GCSEs so we are all a little burnt out! Nice holiday to Lanzarote planned for the summer and a surprise trip to DLP just after Xmas should help chill us all out a bit!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pommy Jimbo Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Big decisions to make. Good luck with everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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