Leaving family behind

[Shiney]

Hi Everyone, I'm new here so please bear with

 

My partner and I are set on beginning the route to emigration; I've visited Australia a number of times and when I was 19 my Dad and Brother emigrated. In 2011 I spent a year on a working visa, living for the most part with Dad in Perth, it was the best time of my life. I returned to the UK and met my other half, who had always had an idea he'd like to live in Australia.

 

We recently came back from two weeks in Perth and my OH fell in love, and I was reminded of how amazing Perth can be, it was my first time back since my year out. We're very lucky in having my Dad there, as well as my Brother I have an aunt and various cousins near too. Dad has said we could live with him for minimal rent whilst we settle, get jobs, and save for a house; we are so, so lucky and can't believe we could potentially have such an opportunity.

 

My one problem is my Mum. When Dad emigrated she was asked to sign some paperwork which would have given me the option to join Dad (I don't know the full ins-and-outs) at any time. She refused and at the time it didn't bother me. We have mentioned our potential plans and she's reacted very badly. She's told me she's had sleepless nights; she's asked my other brother here in the UK to dissuade me, and she's said she would be devastated if we go. We've decided to keep things quiet for the time being, but we are going to an expo at the end of the month and provided we find out if we have a good chance of being able to emigrate, will set the wheels in motion. I feel bad that I am determined to go despite knowing I'll break Mum's heart, we're really close and I'd miss her terribly, but I know this is right for my OH and I.

 

I'm sure others here have had an equally bad reaction from family members; how did you manage? Did you keep things quiet for a while? And did the relative ever accept your decision? And do you still see your family as much as you hoped you would? Experiences and advice much appreciated x

[wozzie2202]

I can understand your dilemma. We are due to fly in 8 weeks, leaving behind my dad (my mum passed away 2 years ago).I can see he's devastated as we are also taking his grandchildren away as well and it's like the elephant in the room when we talk. However, as he said to me, he would never stand in the way of us leading our lives and we have always made our intentions to leave the UK clear, and this is something we need to do for ourselves. Call me selfish, but you get one shot at life and if there are things you want/need to do, then you may not get another chance. I don't think relatives will ever truly accept/ embrace what you are doing but you would hope that they could see if from your perspective and understand your reasoning. Unfortunately not everyone views life as such and will only ever consider themselves. You are at the start of what is an emotional rollercoaster and the closer you get to leaving, unfortunately the harder it also gets knowing the hole you are about to leave in someone's life. Unfortunately, there is no magic solution to this (other than your mum going across as well!), but go with your heart.

[Shiney]

Thanks Wozzie, I think once we tell Mum we are serious then it will be the elephant in the room too, just not mentioned, I would hope Mum will understand though. I agree we only have one shot at life, I don't think it's selfish if the opportunity you're taking is too good to miss. I definitely need to go with my heart, my OH is very good at encouraging me to think like that, he's going to miss his family too but as he's from the north and moved down south for work, we only see them 4/5 times a year as it is. We'll probably see his family MORE if they come to see us in Oz! I think we will just wait til we know if we have a good chance of success and then start breaking the news to family. I can imagine it's becoming very real for you now at this stage, I hope it all goes well!

[Quoll]

Of course it's selfish and there would be few of us that don't experience some sort of guilt but if you are going to succeed then you will have to be very selfish and self reliant. Don't burn any bridges just in case it all goes pear shaped and you may want to return but not to acrimony. What we think may be fabulous on holiday sometimes loses its lustre when you actually live there.

 

Dont expect people to le to come all that way to visit you - and why should they? It's expensive and takes a lot of time and money and people often promise but never deliver. You leave it behoves you to do the travelling to keep in touch and you might have to plan for that financially.

 

Expect the the grief that the leavees will experience might lead them to behave in ways that might hurt - put yourself in their shoes and see that it is grief driving their behaviour even if it doesn't seem "nice" to you. They may even cut you out emotionally before you leave - not nice and not necessarily rational but their self survival strategy and right for them. Lots of threads on this and other boards of the sort of behaviour that those grieving left behind exhibit.

[Tulip1]

That's a good reply Quoll.

 

I am in no way saying people shouldn't emigrate, quite the opposite. You do only have one life and it is your life, not your mums life. However, what Quoll says is quite true. You may get the odd visitors but it is unlikely to be often unless they are all retired and rich. Also, many say they will return to the UK to visit family often and it rarely turns out as often as planned. For good reason too, there is so much to see and explore in your new life why would you spend most of your annual holiday and money coming back every year. As for the selfish bit, I too believe there has to be an element of that in the decision. For the most part, you are leaving people in a very sad position, often devastated. I guess it can hardly be called being kind and caring instead. But..... as a mum of two grown up children in Australia I say this... our children are only ever on loan to us and they are not possessions. They are people that we nurture into adults that can and should make their own decisions in life. I have never, nor would I ever, try to make them feel guilty. In contrast, I wouldn't change the way things are. My children have grown into lovely, independent adults and have a wonderful life. They haven't gone because they don't love me, they very much do and put so much effort into keeping our relationship alive. They have gone because they found a better life for themselves and who am I to try to stop that. I miss them, my hearts aches for when the time comes I have grandchildren that I will see once a year but still I wouldn't change a thing. My children's happiness will always come a million miles ahead of mine. I am happy because they are happy.

 

I am sure your mum doesn't mean to make you feel bad, she is just hurting. That shouldn't stop you for-filling your dream. I think it is just important to make more of an effort when you are that far away. There isn't many days I don't get a viber message or email from my kids and we speak every weekend. I assume you can get visas? not easy these days and having your family there will not make any difference. Very best of luck.

[Que Sera Sera]

First things first, can you get a visa? Does either of you have a skill on the skills list?

[Guest]

Thanks Wozzie, I think once we tell Mum we are serious then it will be the elephant in the room too, just not mentioned, I would hope Mum will understand though. I agree we only have one shot at life, I don't think it's selfish if the opportunity you're taking is too good to miss. I definitely need to go with my heart, my OH is very good at encouraging me to think like that, he's going to miss his family too but as he's from the north and moved down south for work, we only see them 4/5 times a year as it is. We'll probably see his family MORE if they come to see us in Oz! I think we will just wait til we know if we have a good chance of success and then start breaking the news to family. I can imagine it's becoming very real for you now at this stage, I hope it all goes well!

 

I'd perhaps consider holding off telling people till you have gotten to the point of knowing you stand an excellent chance of being granted a visa and have actually lodged the application. But that is me. Until you are actually in the process and going through it, the rest is hot air and may never happen. Why cause upset when there is no ball actually even being rolled at the time.

 

I think perhaps also you need to be prepared for how tough it may be in terms of how some might react and behave. And that you feel confident enough that you are going to be ok to be able to shoulder and deal with that and no let it deter or spoil things for you. There is no right and wrong in how people will behave, some will be crushed you are leaving but put on a brave face, others will show their feelings and not hold back. Thick skin required, ability to cope with it all and not retaliate to spoil things further if that is the case and being rather determined with a fair dollop of selfishness is the way forward if you really intend to migrate.

 

I agree with Quoll re the don't expect people to come all the way to Aus to visit. Seeing family 4 or 5 times a year is going to be more than you will see them if they come to Aus every few years. The sheer cost of it all and needing a good few weeks each time to make it worthwhile and get over the jet lag etc means its often not possible for people to visit often. Sure some do but its a big expense and time out. Same as you going the other way back to the UK for holidays. At a certain point, keep on using vacation time for UK trips will lose its appeal for many because of cost and also they want to vacation somewhere else and not do the visiting people thing over and over. We've been back here almost 2.5 years now. My mother has visited once for a few weeks and was meant to come over this coming spring but because of ill health isn't able to visit at all this year. I've had one friend come to stay for a few days while they went backpacking round Aus for 3 months. And husband had one friend and her new husband visit us for a few days as part of their honeymoon trip to NZ and Aus. Other than that, no one. My son and I have had one trip to the UK in July last year for 3.5 weeks. After 10 days there I'd had enough and wished I could nip over to France for the rest of the holiday. It was far too long and I don't plan to go again for a year or two and when we do, it will be the whole family and we'll only go see my parents for a week and a couple of good friends in that time and then head to the continent somewhere for a proper holiday. Or if I can wangle it, getting my parents over to France also for a week so we can holiday with them, then we head off elsewhere. I would love to spend some time in the Netherlands again, Italy and elsewhere.