Shmisa7220 Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Hi Bezza - I definately feel your pain! I think its unfair that your husband won't even discuss the subject though, you have to have open communication with this issue (even if you do go round in circles like we do!). You have a child so you need your family around you more than ever, you are the Mother & you need support. One thing I have learnt in our situation is that you have to take care of your own mental health & state of mind because no one else can do it for you so be careful that the feeling of isolation doesn't go on for too long. How old is your child? I think the best time for you to go back to the UK is before they start school. Can your partner compromise on your child doing school in UK then moving back to Oz after that? as you said you'd be happy to live in Oz at a later stage? That's the only fair thing to do. I know what you mean about the half a year here & there - it would never work, the logistics of finding work all the time & kids going to school. We've not come to any decisions yet, its been a very hard couple of months for us discussing it (although we have many times over the years) we've come to a bit of a dead end with discussions at the moment, as I'm sure you know too well. I skyped the women in my family last night (Mum, cousin, Aunty) they were all together having lunch and it was nice to have a laugh over the phone but I just couldn't help feeling how ridiculous it was that I wasn't there & was here, feeling lonely - it felt very wrong! I hope that you can have some more dialogue with your husband soon, its VERY important that you do. If you don't feel like talking, write it all down in a letter, as silly as that sounds it can be a great way of expressing how you feel without your emotions getting in the way of your side of things. Sometimes I do think it's unreasonable that our partners don't offer to come to the UK for the sake of our relationships and at the same time what can you do? you love them & don't want the relationship to break up because they are the person you intend spending your life with - I feel like scrunching up our situation and throwing it in the "too hard basket"..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolvesaussie Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 At what point in your relationships did you discuss Australia? I would say after 4 weeks of dating I made it clear to my girlfriend that I was heading back to Australia within 5 years and if we were to have a future together it would be in Australia. So basically me and Australia were/are a package deal. Shes been here a year now, settled in well made lots of new friends and so far touch wood is very happy here. But this ship is not for turning she knew what she signed up for I was very honest and upfront about it. if she didnt think she could live in Australia she should not have agreed to marry me . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 WolvesAussie that seems very unfair. Thinking you can live in Australia (or any country not your own) is one thing and actually doing it is something else. What about leaving room for changing feelings and/or circumstances? No partner knows 100% "what they signed up for" and surely your wife also signed up for a loving, supportive partner who would says take her - possibly evolving - needs into consideration? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolvesaussie Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I will be supportive, making sure she can fly back every year for 6 weeks (shes a teacher) will be number one purchase every year. And I have paid for her parents to come out to visit this year as well. Hopefully that will be enough, shes never been one to be around the family all the time... She has actually seen more of her parents first year in Australia than she did in the last two YEARS in the UK, even though we were only 15miles away. People are busy and lead their own lives... I just never understand this "pull" of family business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 At what point in your relationships did you discuss Australia? I would say after 4 weeks of dating I made it clear to my girlfriend that I was heading back to Australia within 5 years and if we were to have a future together it would be in Australia. So basically me and Australia were/are a package deal. Shes been here a year now, settled in well made lots of new friends and so far touch wood is very happy here. But this ship is not for turning she knew what she signed up for I was very honest and upfront about it. if she didnt think she could live in Australia she should not have agreed to marry me . The thing there is its fine to think you can cope for the rest of your life in another country away from many you love and things familiar. And its all to easy to say it will be fine and its what you want and can cope with. And when you are in love with someone its all to easy to think it will conquer all and make everything else alright. Its the reality for many some years later when they start to get homesick or feel something is missing from their life or when children arrive that can really throw a spanner in the works and change things. Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 It's great that your wife will be able to spend six weeks every year in the UK, she must really miss it to want to spend all that time there. I agree with you to some extent and am not someone who needs/wants to be around family all the time and do not suffer from that debilitating homesickness that strikes some migrants. But, now that our parents are getting older and are facing some serious health issues, I can see that they would love to have me and my little family around (though to their credit they have never expressed this with any emotional blackmail involved) and that our kids would benefit from that too. I'm happy to move to be able to spend more time with them (though admit some nervousness at the responsibility!) and that, combined with our love of UK culture and European travel is the driver behind our move back to the UK next year. Luckily my DH and I are both British and both in agreement about the move (in fact he wants it more than me) but if he refused to move back to the UK because of a decision I made years ago, even though circumstances have changed considerably, I'd find it hard to forgive him. Hopefully that won't happen to you and your wife but maybe just allow a slim possibility of a future return to the UK, just in case. Never say never and all that jazz! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Not being funny here but I (personally) don't understand those who feel that they need family help to raise their kids.....................yes, it's nice to have them around but is it just for help or is it for the "feel" of family? For those married to Aussies who say similar............what's wrong with the having the partner's family around? Do you need both sets of family or is it more about you needing yours? Like I say, I'm not being funny but I just don't get it? I have talked about this often with ex servicemen (including my 3 grown sons) and they feel the same as I do. As long as I know they are alright, then that's enough and I don't need them around nor they me., although we do skype. Dunno if it's peculiar to servicemen/women though or if there are exceptions (for ex/ service personnel) but I haven't yet met one...........perhaps lack of strong family ties/need is an "attribute" of service people? No its not just service people . My family are the same. We all know we love each other but we don't need to live in eachothers pockets. Our Father died young though so maybe that'swhy we are how we are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 WolvesAussie that seems very unfair. Thinking you can live in Australia (or any country not your own) is one thing and actually doing it is something else. What about leaving room for changing feelings and/or circumstances? No partner knows 100% "what they signed up for" and surely your wife also signed up for a loving, supportive partner who would says take her - possibly evolving - needs into consideration? I disagree he's been upfront and honest and she knew where the land lay. I feel the same and have told my OH I will not consider a return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apaul Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Hi All,This is my first time posting here - I have found others posts incredibly interesting & helpful, mostly it's nice to hear that my feelings are shared by so many others. I met my Ozzie partner in England & after 9 months together I decided to move to Oz to be with him after having loved the place while travelling. I have been in Oz for 11 years now & we have a fantastic relationship - except for one gigantic hurdle - he wants to live here where he grew up & I NEED to be at home with family & friends where I grew up. I have had many lovely times here in Australia but I have always struggled here for many reasons. There are differences between Australia & England of course & at times I've tried to convince myself that it's Australia I don't like but that simply isn't true, this is a great country with SO much to offer but after thinking about it for the last few years I'm just plain sad not living in England with my family & friends. Mostly I'm lonely (despite having a couple of friends here). It is particularly hard now that we are at the stage we'd like to have children together. I feel his family would not support my suggestion that we move back, so I don't feel all that supported here, apart from by him, he is amazing. I have suggested that we go back to England & put simply he doesn't want to live there due to work (outside in the winter in the UK! eek!)/lifestyle/surfing/fishing reasons. I don't want to have children here & be completely isolated from any help from my parents/friends - it makes me so sad to think of doing that without them, its nearly unbareable. Splitting up feels like such a waste of a beautiful relationship too - we're not prepared to do that at this stage. I would appreciate any help that anyone could give, particularly if you've been in this situation. Thanks for reading my long post! Much appreciated Hi Shmisa7220, Its truly a private matter which has to be decided mutually . Not a public matter that you would discuss with entire world. Anybody can give their opinion based on your posing not seeing other person's TRUE concerns. Sometimes he mightbe afraid that you will be more closer to your families than him. Typically that happens when he loves you more. If you guys truly love each other then discuss the TRUE concerns and come to a common agreement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 It's great to be upfront and honest from the start Que Sera Sera but there are circumstances where our strong stance on things has to give in the face of exceptional (or possibly just changing) circumstances. A "my way or the highway" approach is unfair in any relationship. They can be no equality where one partner has to accept the other's decision regardless. You could make a case for not getting together with someone whose opinion was so immovable but love is often blind! As many have said in PIO, you can intend/want/be determined/expect/believe you will settle in another country but the reality of it can be a challenge for some. It's seems unfair to hold them to a promise they could not possibly have truly understood at the time it was made. Likewise that person can't just insist the other move back, it's an awful situation for those caught up in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzybangs Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 You are choosing a relationship over a lifestyle you want so whatever you do, do not have a baby! If you nave one in Oz you will HAVE to stay as the Geneva convention could stop you from leaving if your partner objects. Committing to a relationship and children is for life. Please take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bezza Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 When I agreed to move to oz I had said to my husband that it would be a case of 'giving it a go' for a couple of years to see if we liked it. Also, things change when you have a baby. In my case, I was at home alone with a little baby and you do end up feeling very isolated. I didn't feel I could just pop in to my in laws when I was feeling lonely as I would do with my parents in the UK. I agree with aunt agatha, feelings change due to circumstances and don't think you can hold someone down to staying in one country, think you have to keep your options open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melstra Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I understand where you are at its 11years in Feb for us & we are planning kids & seem to want to go back now which has never happened before, but with kids in the picture it's changed what's important & growing up here is nicer but it's not the same not having family around your children & also for support as it's a scary time having your first I love the back & forth idea maybe we can do that come back before they hit school age Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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