bunbury61 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Don't get me wrong because I applaud your self-sacrifice, and others who have done the same but if it was in the DNA then why are your siblings not there, do they not share the DNA? Clearly you felt obligation whereas others clearly saw choices. We are all different and life is complicated. We all only have the one shot at life. I too am in my 50s and my priority is to start thinking about having a life for myself and not one ruled by obligation. Perhaps it is because you have at least been there and done it and I have not. I should have said its in my DNA .....one of the traits I look for in people is .....are they a giver or a taker ? ....if I suss you as a taker , you are kept at arms length ....I cant stand selfishness ....that's not directed at you or anyone else by the way . In relation to my mom ....she is 80 odd now , living on her own ......who is going to put their hand up and take the responsibility ?.......could you really expect her to go through her last days ,completely on her own ? ....really . Doing what we have done , takes a huge sacrifice , only a few on here would ever understand ...Quoll being one of them ... When mom has passed on , we may go back ......there again my wife has said no way , its past , its done , finished ....feet up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 We cared for my MIL at our home for the last two years of her life while she deteriorated with cancer and she was over 80. It wasn't a great time, juggling work and having a needy 5/6 year old at the time but we got through it and it was undoubtedly better than the alternative of her being in a nursing home or hospice, for her certainly. I think you should view it as a choice though and be proud of the choice you made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmab1995 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Bunbury61 i know what you mean i am an only child ...... and when we first moved over my mum n dad said they would move over to aus a few yrs after us .... well they cant move my dad would lose 47% of his pension so they couldnt afford to ..... but at the very very begining when we first started the process i did say to hubby if mum n dad cant move over then i will come back , because the thought of something happening to one of them and the other being on there own is just to much i would hate it and it upsets me even thinking about it ..... And yes we do have other reasons for going home as i have wrote in other posts but just wanted to let you know that i agree with you 100% , we have been lucky to have great parents xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I've got no real chance of ever getting home due to family commitments, but to echo the sentiments of many on this thread, I've never felt at home here. Essentially I think it's fine, but it's not my home, which England, for all of it's infuriating traits most definitely is. If I do ever make it back it'll be for the sense of familiarity and belonging that I feel whenever I go back there on holiday. "Heaven take my soul, England keep my bones" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 "Heaven take my soul, England keep my bones" Like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Apologies on reflection my post was a little insensitive. Many people move over to give their families better lives and as hard as leaving parents is shouldn't feel guilty Everyone's opinions are valid and each post should not pull at the heart strings of others who have different relationships with family and different circumstances. My family and my oh family have always been all about the children having their lives and getting on with them wherever they are and that the older members are fine, we life in first world countries where there is help. As we age often long term friendships are more what we want than actual family and I am happy to say I have those. These people are my peers have the same memories and we do not feel old together. My mum and I get on but not well enough to move across the world, she lives not far from me and I would not have her come and live in my house for any reason. It would be a nightmare. We are too strong women and it would end in tears. So take each post on merit and do not think, oh perhaps I should do that, oh I feel guilty now because so and so is doing that. We are all different. I do not want my children to have to look after me I have put a medical power of attorney in place. I do not want to waste time in a nursing home waiting for my doting family to come see me once in a blue moon if they live far away, once a week out of duty when they are so busy with their own lives. I want them to remember me as a vibrant person who could do things and not a drooling sick old lady. That is just me. I think its evolution and we cannot live in the past. So get on with your lives and expect nothing from children, they have their lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Everyone's opinions are valid and each post should not pull at the heart strings of others who have different relationships with family and different circumstances. My family and my oh family have always been all about the children having their lives and getting on with them wherever they are and that the older members are fine, we life in first world countries where there is help. As we age often long term friendships are more what we want than actual family and I am happy to say I have those. These people are my peers have the same memories and we do not feel old together. My mum and I get on but not well enough to move across the world, she lives not far from me and I would not have her come and live in my house for any reason. It would be a nightmare. We are too strong women and it would end in tears. So take each post on merit and do not think, oh perhaps I should do that, oh I feel guilty now because so and so is doing that. We are all different. I do not want my children to have to look after me I have put a medical power of attorney in place. I do not want to waste time in a nursing home waiting for my doting family to come see me once in a blue moon if they live far away, once a week out of duty when they are so busy with their own lives. I want them to remember me as a vibrant person who could do things and not a drooling sick old lady. That is just me. I think its evolution and we cannot live in the past. So get on with your lives and expect nothing from children, they have their lives. In theory I agree 100% but in practice it's turned out 100% different for us - and though matricide often flits across my brain (two strong women in conflict LOL) it seems to be working! My parents never ever asked us to be there for them but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I would never expect my kids to do what we are doing but who knows, down the track, what the circumstances will be. I'm sure I wouldn't be as hell fire determined as my mum is not to go into a nursing home. Whilst we've been back we've also slipped into a defacto caring role for a childless aunt and uncle who can no longer drive so I take them to their appointments etc. I guess there must have been guilt at the back of my brain but really our decisions were based more on the pragmatic at the time. The one I feel sorry for in all this is my DH whose own mum lingers in a nursing home on the other side of the world, chugging her way steadily to 100 (97 next week!) but he has 3 brothers within cooee who can keep an eye on her. Getting old is not for pussies, don't they say?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 In theory I agree 100% but in practice it's turned out 100% different for us - and though matricide often flits across my brain (two strong women in conflict LOL) it seems to be working! My parents never ever asked us to be there for them but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I would never expect my kids to do what we are doing but who knows, down the track, what the circumstances will be. I'm sure I wouldn't be as hell fire determined as my mum is not to go into a nursing home. Whilst we've been back we've also slipped into a defacto caring role for a childless aunt and uncle who can no longer drive so I take them to their appointments etc. I guess there must have been guilt at the back of my brain but really our decisions were based more on the pragmatic at the time. The one I feel sorry for in all this is my DH whose own mum lingers in a nursing home on the other side of the world, chugging her way steadily to 100 (97 next week!) but he has 3 brothers within cooee who can keep an eye on her. Getting old is not for pussies, don't they say?! I certainly agree Quoll. Problem with my mum is that she is a young woman in an old body and tries to act like one, good in one way, not feasible in another. My best friend said that she will not allow me to have her come to live with me, she and my other friends know her so well lol. Fortunately she is able to live alone with help and go out every day which is a blessing. However I hope that I do not live as long as Mum and a quick hear attack would be me fine. No nursing home though, its the way the system works more than the actual homes that I dislike. Should not come down to how much cash someone has etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 I had the big house , with hindsight I probably worked harder in oz .....I had someone say to me on this site ,last week , that it was my choice to come back to the u.k , and keep an eye on my parents .its not a choice , its an obligation , its in your DNA .......I value my parents , more than a bloody 4x2 with a pool . The reason I get on my high horse , is that family in oz , have left me and my wife to it , they get a restful nights sleep every night , knowing that the youngest is looking after mom ......without any of the responsibility. My issue is not with Australia , or anyone on this forum , but if having a bigger house is the top priority for you , then you are a different person to me . Its probably an age thing ...in my 20s , I wanted the beach ....30c ...and a few beers , and only weekly thought of my parents , who were still in good health ...although I still kept in touch regularly . Iam in 50s now , I couldn't give a monkeys about the beach , the big house or 30c, PRIORITIES CHANGE AS YOU GET OLDER ,I probably have 5 years left with mom ....thank god iam here in the u.k ....I would be climbing the walls if I was in oz . that's exactly it- so many of my parents friends have already died in their 50s and early 60s- you just never know! heading back this year to make the most of the time with mine. Australia will still be here when they are gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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