Both kids returned to the Uk, now what?

[tillyd]

Well we have been her 8 years and over the last couple of years both kids have returned to the uk. My husband works away so I am very much alone. I have no other family here. Now grandchildren are in the picture too.

 

I am sooo lonely. Yes I have friends but not the kind of friend I have back in the uk. I am at a point now where I feel my life is at a fork in the road. Stay or go.

 

i would go tomorrow but my husband likes the lifestyle, his dream is acreage, big shed, camping etc. he earns good money. He has never been close to his family. I love my husband but if I mention retuning he sort of sweeps it under the carpet.

 

i am so torn, I feel like it's my marriage, or my sanity and my family. I haven't had my family in one place for 4 years and I'm not sure I can do this for much longer.

[Jacaranda]

Hi tillyd,I read your post and really feel for you actually.Yes you must be feeling very lonely with your husband working away and both kids not in the same country.Do you work?Two reasons I'm asking this.Firstly if you're not working,would you consider finding a job,atleast part time so that you are out of the house,and mixing with other people.This could help abit of the loneliness you are feeling,and although you might not make best buds with anyone atleast you are conversing with people.Secondly if you're not working,have you considered spending some time back in the UK with your kids/family for say 3 mths at a time?I'm not sure moving back to the UK would be an answer for you hon,because what would happen if you convinced your husband to give up everything there,you return to the UK and in the future your kids decided to move back to Oz?I'm thinking if you don't work and can go back every year say,it might just make you feel more settled,and I'm guessing too that your kids will want to come over to stay with you for holidays?Not an easy situation hon and I hope you find some peace of mind soon xxxxx

[Marisawright]

I think Melza makes a good point. There's always the chance the kids will get disillusioned with the UK and move back, and then where would you be if you'd moved back there?

 

I second the idea of getting a job if you don't have one already. For one thing, if you do decide to go back on your own, you'll need money - moving countries is not cheap. Do it for six months to a year, then make your decision.

[Quoll]

You can't really be chasing your kids all over the world, unfortunately - you never know where they might end up! I can relate though - I never "belonged" in Australia but the DH had aspirations of the self sufficient acreage out in the bush which I definitely did not share! We came to a compromise - he endured we had enough money for me to go home whenever I wanted and I stayed in Aus, albeit not on a bush block. It was a compromise we could both live with but, still, being essentially trapped did for my physical and mental health in the end. I've got grand kids on the other side of the world - it's ok but I'm not an enmeshed grandma kinda gal. I will always have grand kids on the other side of the world from where I am! (One kid UK and one in Aus and neither are going to move)

 

if he continues to sweep it under the carpet, may I suggest marriage counselling? You both need to hear and be heard!

 

Good luck!

[tillyd]

Thanks everyone. I do work full time so it's not as if I don't have anyone to talk to during the day. However, I have been asking myself, is this it? This is not how we thought it would be. Yes, I do want to be a nanna that is close to her grandchildren, just like my mum is and my grandmother was to me. Both had the grandkids over all the time and my grandmother was my inspiration, from whom I learnt a great deal from.

 

I have suggested marriage counselling in the past but he wasn't into it unfortunately. He's a good man but his dream isn't mine anymore. I feel a bit resentful that he is off all over the place working in a job he likes, whilst I'm stuck here alone taking care of the animals, the house and all of it really.

 

Im not depressed yet .... But I know I can feel it lurking and I have to try damn hard not to fall although I am very emotional.

 

I have tried to make a life here but for what? What's the point anymore - the only think keeping me here is my marriage.

[Marisawright]

I have suggested marriage counselling in the past but he wasn't into it unfortunately.

 

You sound a bit like me - brought up not to "make a scene". The trouble is, unless you can be assertive enough to say, "We need to discuss this and you're not leaving this table until we've resolved something" - and be prepared to yell at him to get results - this is just going to drift on until you have a breakdown or walk out.

 

If you can't get him to sit down and actually pay attention to you, why not write him a letter? Don't hold back - tell him how desperately you want to be close to the children, how lonely you feel, how much you dislike the life. Make it clear that if things go on like this, one day you're going to walk out. Next time he's heading off to another job, put it in his hand and say, "read this when you get a minute". Seeing it in black and white will force him to face it.

 

Alternatively, ask him about counselling again. If he says he's "not into it", tell him you're leaving. If he doesn't think it's worth making an effort to save your marriage, he obviously values it a lot less than you do.

[Aunt Agatha]

I think wanting to be close to your children is a very good reason for moving to the UK. If they one day want to move back to Oz (or anywhere) you could reassess then but at least you'd have had some time with them and built a relationship with your grandchildren. I confess though that I am a fully enmeshed in my kids (who are still tiny) kind of person!!

 

You can't put your own dreams to the side forever, you'll just feel more and more resentful until it eats you up. I like Marisawright's suggestion of a letter. If he still doesn't take you seriously you might have to tell him you are considering leaving him and force him to face the situation.

[Jacaranda]

hi tillyD,after reading your second post I am going to change my first post slightly.Firstly ok you're working fulltime which is good news because imagine if you were home full time?Can I ask you hon,if your husband worked closer to home,and was home every night,would it make a difference to how you feel?So difficult when you both want different things.Someone has to compromise,and that can be a hard decision to make.I believe if it were me,I would ask my boss if I could take either my AL all in one go,so for example 4-5 weeks,or ask about unpaid leave for say 3-6 mths and return to the UK to spend time with your kids and hopefully work out exactly where you want to be.Don't put any pressure on yourself trying to make a hasty decision whilst there.Just take each day as it comes.I know exactly how you feel.You go to work and people are talking about their kids visits,what they're doing with the grandkids and so on,and its just a reminder that yours are'nt close by.If you are aware of depression setting in,I think I would make a firm decision hon,because if and when it does?Some people feel paralised by it and you could possibly end up staying where you are for literally years not being able to make a decision.Your happiness is the most important thing.Good luck hon,like the lion in The Wizard of Oz lol You just need to get your courage back!xxxx

[tillyd]

Thank you, I started to feel like what I am feeling is unreasonable. I can't really see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I didn't feel like I had to make a choice, my husband or my sanity. I am waiting for my citizenship to be finalised before any major decisions are made. It will give me some time to think things through. I like it here never truly settled and now that I spend most of my time alone it's sort of coming to a head.

[Quoll]

Thank you, I started to feel like what I am feeling is unreasonable. I can't really see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I didn't feel like I had to make a choice, my husband or my sanity. I am waiting for my citizenship to be finalised before any major decisions are made. It will give me some time to think things through. I like it here never truly settled and now that I spend most of my time alone it's sort of coming to a head.

 

Your sanity is important if you are to keep your husband! May I suggest you check out a CBT or ACT therapist (if you are depressed your GP can facilitate a mental health plan). It isnt going to change the situation but it might help you with managing the thinking which is making you unhappy. There are tricks to get you through every day but it may well be that you dont feel right until you are in the right place. It really is a bugger when you feel like you dont belong. I hope you can see some way forward in all this

[Marisawright]

Thank you, I started to feel like what I am feeling is unreasonable. I can't really see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I didn't feel like I had to make a choice, my husband or my sanity. I am waiting for my citizenship to be finalised before any major decisions are made. It will give me some time to think things through. I like it here never truly settled and now that I spend most of my time alone it's sort of coming to a head.

 

Very sensible decision to get your citizenship finalized first, that gives you so much more freedom. I second the idea that you should see a counsellor of some kind, even if you feel you don't need one yet. It's much harder to get out of depression once you're in it, so I think a bit of preventative action would be a very wise move.