Stay or go

[emmasarah1990]

Hi everyone

I have been in Perth for coming on four years now I migrated when my mum and dad did I have never been truly settled my partner also moved since being here we have had a beautiful boy. It's always been in my mind to move back home in May my partner son and I went back for a visit I LOVED it I came back here to Perth and fell into a dark place I was adamant on moving back but my partner said he wouldn't so I stayed I booked up and went back for another holiday in September just me and my son this time and again I'm back and falling back to how I was before.. When I wanted to move before my parents talked me out of it as well stating my son won't have an as good life there so I stayed as I think it's better too keep everyone else happy than myself... Since coming back again I spoke to my partner and he still thinks he will be depressed there but seems more open to the idea but I don't want to feel guilty for ruining his dreams... But I don't no how I can live like this... My heart is in England please help.....?

[jen85]

Maybe your partner should go and at least see if he likes it for your sake before just saying no, you never know if you pick a nice spot he might love it! It is very important that BOTH parents are happy because your kids will pick up on it if you aren't, you can't go through life to please everyone else sometimes you have to be selfish for your own sanity. Good luck

[Chortlepuss]

Difficult situation when one wants to stay and one wants to go to UK! We are in that situation, and I found that by reminding hubby of what there was to miss (family, friends, affordability, holidays) he gradually came round to the idea of considering returning. We actually can't stay here long term anyhow as Australia has become too expensive for us, and I struggle to get work. FWIW I can't imagine why anyone would think a child would have a better life in Australia than in the UK - We were in the UK when our kids were young and they loved the countryside, seaside, holidays - younger one even preferred the weather!

[Quoll]

My husband refused to leave Aus to live in England because, he said, he would be depressed living there. No matter that I was depressed to billy oh in Australia. Fast forward and we have been back just over two years and he gives the impression of being as happy as a pig in mud.

 

However, you might have a few more hurdles in your way if you decide to go it alone - he can stop you taking your child out of Australia for starters! Secondly - and probably more of an issue, is he a UK citizen (hope so for your sake) because if you have to go down the new spouse visa route you are going to have to show that you have a well paying job to support him. If he isn't a UK national and you don't have pots of money then see if he has access to any EU passport/visa through ancestry.

 

Your son will be just fine with the usual first world opportunities and advantages and, perhaps more importantly, he will have a happy mum which will be more to him than a day at the beach. Around here I see a lot of happy kids, more playing outside than I ever saw in Aus! The kids in schools seem quite happy and engaged too. I'd think the UK has far more to offer than Perth!

 

i can vouch for the impact of situational depression - I didn't believe it until I didn't have it any more although of course I knew about it in theory! Being in that situation drains the very life out of you and you feel like you are battling against the world to live a half life every bloody day. There are tips and tricks to get you through every day and if you find that you are forced to stay there, may I suggest a visit to your GP to get a mental health plan with a good CBT or ACT psych. I can also vouch for the happiness factor in removing yourself from the situation and I still walk around with a huge grin on my face.

 

Good luck! Oh and BTW your parents don't get a say in your decision - it's you and your husband that make the decision about your little family.

[emmasarah1990]

Thanks so much guys for replying yeah he is a uk citizen I know I could pick up and go myself but I want my son to have a mum and dad

[Guest]

It sounds like you are quite young, under 30?? Not that it really matters but I'm just thinking that plenty of people for both countries go and spend a year or two in the other - okay usually not with a son but as someone who missed out on doing a 'gap year' and plunged straight into a career I found having my son the perfect time to take some time out and travel, we did a round the world trip with a 5 year old Anywhere where I am leading with that is would your partner consider a year or two in the UK? No big decision just making the most of dual citizenship (are you a citizen?? If not, you really should do that before thinking of moving anywhere - your son obviously is and you don't want to end up holding out for parent visa's in your dotage if your son decides to settle in Australia...it happens too often)

 

I feel like I am repeating what I have just wrote on another thread but early parenthood is a vulnerable period and depression is not necessarily related to living in a particular place - of course you were happier in the UK, you were on holiday - that's very different from everyday life. Lots of people do prefer the UK though - we moved back after 5 years in Perth and couldn't be happier

 

Just a thought but could a compromise be trying somewhere else in Australia - it is a diverse place, what is it you like about the UK? There may be places in Australia that offer you that lifestyle without moving quite so far from your parents.

 

Whatever you decide your son will have a good life because he has parents that care, I absolutely agree with Quoll though my son never played outside in Australia unless we took him somewhere and now our door bell never stops ringing with other kids inviting him out to play It just fills my heart with joy.

 

I am so glad I'm easy going and never suffered the one partner wants to stay the other partner wants to go scenario - I just followed my OH in both directions and was happy to do so There is no easy compromise, the important thing is TALK, TALK, TALK, I am sure my relationship is better because we did have to talk and it brought us closer together. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say.

[emmasarah1990]

It sounds like you are quite young, under 30?? Not that it really matters but I'm just thinking that plenty of people for both countries go and spend a year or two in the other - okay usually not with a son but as someone who missed out on doing a 'gap year' and plunged straight into a career I found having my son the perfect time to take some time out and travel, we did a round the world trip with a 5 year old Anywhere where I am leading with that is would your partner consider a year or two in the UK? No big decision just making the most of dual citizenship (are you a citizen?? If not, you really should do that before thinking of moving anywhere - your son obviously is and you don't want to end up holding out for parent visa's in your dotage if your son decides to settle in Australia...it happens too often)

 

I feel like I am repeating what I have just wrote on another thread but early parenthood is a vulnerable period and depression is not necessarily related to living in a particular place - of course you were happier in the UK, you were on holiday - that's very different from everyday life. Lots of people do prefer the UK though - we moved back after 5 years in Perth and couldn't be happier

 

Just a thought but could a compromise be trying somewhere else in Australia - it is a diverse place, what is it you like about the UK? There may be places in Australia that offer you that lifestyle without moving quite so far from your parents.

 

Whatever you decide your son will have a good life because he has parents that care, I absolutely agree with Quoll though my son never played outside in Australia unless we took him somewhere and now our door bell never stops ringing with other kids inviting him out to play It just fills my heart with joy.

 

I am so glad I'm easy going and never suffered the one partner wants to stay the other partner wants to go scenario - I just followed my OH in both directions and was happy to do so There is no easy compromise, the important thing is TALK, TALK, TALK, I am sure my relationship is better because we did have to talk and it brought us closer together. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say.

 

 

Thank you for your help. Yeah we are a young couple 23 and 26 the things I like the most about the uk is having my extended family and friends there.. ive made a few friends here but find it very lonely. When talking to my OH he gets very upset about the situation which I do completely understand as he wants a life here. He hasn't not agreed to go but will make me feel guilty for wanting to saying things like I will just be grumpy there I dont no if we will last ect ect... maybe its because he is upset about the whole thing and he will more than likely get over it.. His mumum and family is also in the uk so its not like he will get there and not know anyone its just hard trying to find a happy medium between us both

[jen85]

Sounds like a compromise needs to be made by someone, you can't both go on unhappy its not way to live and your son will pick up on it. Maybe you could try the UK and if it doesn't work out you can always return. Costly exercise I know, believe me but I think it helps to solidify your needs and wants in life.

[Quoll]

It's all about compromise - or at least the illusion of compromise! Would you agree to wait until you both have citizenship for starters and then maybe he would agree to give the UK a go for as long as he could get a career break for. One or other is going to have resentment no question! Even the most rational and pragmatic of us gets resentful when we perceive that we are giving everything. Our compromise situation was that we wouldn't go and live a self sufficient lifestyle in the bush but would stay in Canberra and he would earn enough to fund my sanity hits whenever required. Now we are in UK our compromise is that we expect to move back when we are no longer needed by the olds and our savings fund his sanity hit back to Aus each year. No compromise is 100% perfect but you do go with the least worst option and it seems to work.

[bryng67]

With us it was my hubby who wanted to go home in the beginning but that has changed it is me driving the move back home now. I hate the lonliness of this country difficulty making friends and being on my own for most of the time. But we both deep down know it is for the best. I am really looking forward to it also. Just had quote from builder to do some alterations to our little house when thats done get a painter and decorator in bobs your uncle all ready to move back to. Then soon as we are all moved in and our container arrives put it up for sale to move back to our real home. Happy days.

[hartneytrio]

We are going back my husband loves it but I have always missed my family and friends as I loved my life in the UK before we came here which is nearly 8 years now, we return in May mainly for my son who has learning difficulties and they dont have the resources here to help him which reading lots of forums seems to be the main reason for brits returning for the kids education, home is where the heart is and I am lucky that my husband has agreed that we need family support, it sounds a bit different for you as your parents are in OZ mine are in UK and I miss that madly.

 

It was my husbands dream and we have a lovely life here, but I really dont care about the pool in the garden and the big house as we wont have that when we get back but family is far more important that materialistic things and I know we are doing the right thing.

 

I really hope things work out for you what ever your decision go with your heart.

 

x

[hartneytrio]

I totally agree now its taken a while for us to realise but you are so right x

[Petals]

So you need to discuss, your oh needs to see if its possible for him to live there and if you are still in the same place, one of you is going to be unhappy in their life. Not a place I would like to be. Fortunately I always have looked for the things I like about a place and not dwelt on the things I did not like.

 

I mean there is no certainty in this, visiting a place is so much different to living in a place, hence the people who have holidays here or in some other country and decide they must move, when they do they find, life is very similar we go to work, we come home etc etc etc.

 

I have a friend who lives in another State and has wanted to return to Vic every day for 15 years, still where she is because her oh always has a reason not to move. He promised her 2 years in the beginning. Hard hard hard.

 

What is happiness that is the thing?

[Wellers and Whitehead]

Thanks so much guys for replying yeah he is a uk citizen I know I could pick up and go myself but I want my son to have a mum and dad

 

 

Im sure you looked into The Hague convention before having a child, but once in Australia if you wish to return back to the UK without your partner, your partner would need to give his consent for you to return.