Perplexed Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Our move to oz is still a long way off so we've not said anything to OH's family about our plans as yet. We had planned to move back in 2011 and told his family (I'm Australian so have no family here in the UK) at the outset and it was the worst experience of my life. His mum basically threw us out of the house and didn't speak to us for a long time. She refused to see our kids as we were "ripping them away from her" and she wanted to sever her ties with us then and there. I was blamed for taking her son and it was just awful :sad: Anyway, our move got pushed aside and for a while we left the idea alone. Family "forgave" us and it was all forgotten. There was a lot of "I knew my son would never leave me" talk too! We recently decided that we do really want to move to Australia but this time we aren't saying anything until all is basically sorted. I am already dreading the day we have to tell them that we're going. I worry that my husband will ruin his relationship with his mum over it (his parents are divorced and his dad was very pleased for us and said it was a great idea). Knowing that we will have to tell them is putting a downer on the whole thing really. I guess I was just wondering how did your family react to the news when you told them you were moving to Australia? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memmymooch Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 My mum who I have very little contact with like once a year if that was very much into trying to lay a guilt trip on me oh I won't see you etc etc just left it after that and not much else has been said have a family meal later in the month for my birthday fairly large gathering so it will no doubt be raised and it will be a bit of a balancing act not too appear too enthusiastic about leaving UK and them behind but to be honest what I really want to say is why are you bothered you never see me now so what's the difference! But of course it is my mum so I won't be that disrespectful. I have an adult daughter who I am certain is not ok with it all but she hasn't said anything either way. Other friends and extended family have all been positive but its those that I am dreading the goodbyes with its all so hard this side of things Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perplexed Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Thanks for the reply memmymooch. I just don't understand people who make you feel bad for living the life you want. My parents were very free with me and never tried to stop me doing anything or guilt tripping me, for example, when I moved over here 9 years or so ago. The goodbyes I can't even think about yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonnaC Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I really feel for you. my family and friends have been great. What Ive said to them is that I dont expect them to be thrilled that Im leaving, but to just appreciate why I want to do it. (Plus my sister discovering shes preg has eased the blow for my mam at least) Pauls son has been great about it, hes 18 on Sat and weve explained we want him to go to uni here, but he can come out whenever he wants, and hopefully will want to do a working holiday at a later date. The rest of Pauls family dont know yet tho. His mam made his sisters life hell when she wanted to emigrate. but we are in the similar situation, rarely see her, but she will be the one to make the biggest fuss. Paul reckons hes gonna ring her from the airport Not really got any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that your not on your own. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 However hard it is, I would advise not to leave telling anyone until it is "all sorted". I think that is the kind of thing that really could break the relationship and however frustrating it is, I am sure that your OH does not really wish to be estranged from his mother. Tell them what you are doing, clearly and firmly, but give them time to come to terms with it at their own pace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigyboy Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Our move to oz is still a long way off so we've not said anything to OH's family about our plans as yet. We had planned to move back in 2011 and told his family (I'm Australian so have no family here in the UK) at the outset and it was the worst experience of my life. His mum basically threw us out of the house and didn't speak to us for a long time. She refused to see our kids as we were "ripping them away from her" and she wanted to sever her ties with us then and there. I was blamed for taking her son and it was just awful :sad: Anyway, our move got pushed aside and for a while we left the idea alone. Family "forgave" us and it was all forgotten. There was a lot of "I knew my son would never leave me" talk too! We recently decided that we do really want to move to Australia but this time we aren't saying anything until all is basically sorted. I am already dreading the day we have to tell them that we're going. I worry that my husband will ruin his relationship with his mum over it (his parents are divorced and his dad was very pleased for us and said it was a great idea). Knowing that we will have to tell them is putting a downer on the whole thing really. I guess I was just wondering how did your family react to the news when you told them you were moving to Australia? sounds to me that the women has narcissistic tendency, and to be honest your partner needs to stand up to her and protect you and the kids. Not speaking to you is awful, the women is a control freak. I have had the exact same issue with a couple we were friendly with and my daughter was best friends with their little girl. Her first words were I am going to stop our daughter playing with yours to protect her from your leaving. Her mum has the now Progressed to Facebook bullying my wife, my wife has decided to rise above it, despite not speaking to her for 6 months. This women's obsession with our family and our move continues to this day by trying to ask about our move to anyone who may know. In short the women's behaviour, like your mother in laws, is total narcism!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candygirl Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I think it is really sad when people are made to feel guilty for wanting a different/better life for their children and themselves. We have only told our parents and very close friends and we won't be telling anyone else until we know we are definitely going (as the months roll on it still feels like something I really want to do and not reality at the moment). Anyhow, I told my Dad first and he broached the subject with my Mum. She was very upset to begin with, but has since told me how proud she is of me and knows in her heart that we are doing the right thing for us and just cannot wait for us to go. Our parents have been incredibly supportive and I honestly think if we had waited until we had the visas and they knew that we had been planning and completing skills assessments and paperwork for the last 18 months without saying a word, then I think it would have been a very different story. If so called friends are not happy for you, then they are not friends. As Rupert has said, you do have to tell people, let them think about it and come to terms with it in their own way and time. People deal with things in very different ways when they are just "having to deal with the situation. They won't have the same excitement, they will just think how far way you will be and that they won't be seeing you as often. My Mum had a real thing about the time difference. She got upset with my OH as she thought she would not be able to pick up the phone when she wanted:err: We have since got her a clock which we will set to Aussie time if we ever get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chall77 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I really wish you all the best with this. I have had some very different reactions from friends. I hope I get my visa but I have had some friends being jealous, some saying they'd miss me and some saying that I should do it and make the most of things. As others have said, it sucks when people make you feel bad for wanting to live your dreams but the world is a smaller place these days due to skype and social network sites. It's a massive move but good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 My mum is quite upset about it but she's remaining positive for me. I had to be very careful when telling her; at first it was 'We're thinking we might move to Aus in the next five years or so.', then it was 'We're thinking we might move a bit sooner so Mark can study out there, possibly a year after the wedding.' and that's what's happened, we're due to go out about a year after we got married here. She took a lot of soothing, I didn't bring it up and made sure I put down Australia a bit too to make her feel better about it. Eventually she's now able to talk about it. My husband will know what you're going through, he moved over to the UK a few years ago to be with me and his mum was really cut up about it. But she came round and now she's happy we're returning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyman Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 my Mum and dad were all for us to better our lives , of course they miss us .......mother in law NEVER spoke about it untill the last day or so , was too late by then ...and she is here now on a PR...! Mrs tonymans dad was good with it too and actually brought them closer together , they talk more now on the phone that they ever did in the uk...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maruska Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 However hard it is, I would advise not to leave telling anyone until it is "all sorted". I think that is the kind of thing that really could break the relationship and however frustrating it is, I am sure that your OH does not really wish to be estranged from his mother. Tell them what you are doing, clearly and firmly, but give them time to come to terms with it at their own pace. I am not sure if that would help in this situation, sounds like it didn`t work the first time. My family knows since the early planning stages, my husband`s family doesn`t know except for his brother who supports us. My husband said he isn`t willing to put up with a full year of scenes and will just tell his mum once we are ready to go ( she lives abroad, we haven`t seen her for the last 4 years). I am afraid that for the OP there isn`t easy way out of it. Mom might come to terms with it after your move or she might not. Good luck with your move , hope everything works for you, it`s very difficult indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diana P Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 sounds to me that the women has narcissistic tendency, and to be honest your partner needs to stand up to her and protect you and the kids. Not speaking to you is awful, the women is a control freak. I have had the exact same issue with a couple we were friendly with and my daughter was best friends with their little girl. Her first words were I am going to stop our daughter playing with yours to protect her from your leaving. Her mum has the now Progressed to Facebook bullying my wife, my wife has decided to rise above it, despite not speaking to her for 6 months. This women's obsession with our family and our move continues to this day by trying to ask about our move to anyone who may know. In short the women's behaviour, like your mother in laws, is total narcism!!!! Craigyboy that sounds awful for you and your family. I had a similar experience with a friend a few years ago and it nearly sent me over the edge!! Do you know you can report bullying on facebook. The only way to put and end to it. Has the woman been sending messages to your wife? Has she blocked her? Honestly there are ways round this. I managed to get the person removed from facebook. I found that mutual friends were actually stirring up trouble so just watch that is not happening. Sounds like you are really hurting :frown: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diana P Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 If they love you they will be happy. If not then they will lose you and its their loss. Hope you get them onside xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 My mother didn't react too well at first when I told her of our plans, but with time she calmed down and we sorted things out. I think it helped that we stayed in the UK longer than planned when my sister was having some problems, & that I went back by myself for a visit last year (that allowed us to spend a lot of time together). What I'm trying to say is that your mother-in-law is ever likely to be upset at your leaving, which isn't to say that I condone hostile behaviour (my mother wasn't openly hostile, well apart from a couple of things she said about my now husband); but that it may be her way of expressing her sadness. Some people haven't progressed beyond tantrums and using negative behaviour to try to get their own way. All you can do is be open and honest, and be the 'bigger people', which it sounds like you have done. Maybe her son needs to explain to her that she will always be his mum, he will always appreciate everything she's done for him and his family, and that how she chooses to react is her choice; but won't affect your decision to move to Australia. I believe now that my mother was worried we'd leave and never visit (she's scared of flying, so coming here is close to impossible for her), but now that we're here and she'll be seeing me for the 3rd time in 4 years, I think she's realised that we will visit when we can, and that nothing has changed in terms of how I relate to her and my dad, & that I still value my family as much as ever I did when I lived in the UK. I wish you all the best in dealing with what is a horribly difficult situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I am not sure if that would help in this situation, sounds like it didn`t work the first time. My family knows since the early planning stages, my husband`s family doesn`t know except for his brother who supports us. My husband said he isn`t willing to put up with a full year of scenes and will just tell his mum once we are ready to go ( she lives abroad, we haven`t seen her for the last 4 years). I am afraid that for the OP there isn`t easy way out of it. Mom might come to terms with it after your move or she might not. Good luck with your move , hope everything works for you, it`s very difficult indeed. It obviously isn't going to be easy, I never said it would be easy. But it is a 'fair' thing to do. And more so, at least then OP knows that they are leaving after doing everything they could to help the relatives come to terms with it. Keeping it quiet and then doing a sudden bunk at the end, as well as being doubly stressful for the relatives, could bring feelings of regret for the OP down the line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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