Guest Working to fish Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Blondes first time A guy asks a young blonde woman he just slept with "Am i the first guy you've ever made love to?" The blonde stubs out her cigarette and replies, "You might be. Your face looks familiar." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, so did I, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool, but I worked ...both sides of the river." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still t rying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f#####g putt, didn't you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Femalve lawyer vs pitbull Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitball? Lipstick What do you call a fat woman who likes men and woman? A bisexual built for two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy the time while they were incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The other pulled out a box of paints and said, "With these I can paint anything. I`ll be the Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he returned the question. "What did you bring?" he asked. The first pulled out a deck of cards, smiled and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, rummy, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said said, "I brought these." Puzzled, the other two asked, "What can you do with those?" He pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to what it says here, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh sh!t, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Ryanair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So,KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... You fancy comin' along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Forever Young Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we made love." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and we can love one last time." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this-not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jonseywife Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MEN !!!!!!!!! You have all just won the weight of your brain's in sweets !!!!!!!!!! To collect your Tic-Tac you must contact us on-line @ ThickasSh*t.com. :biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 jonseywife , jo,n,paul , lou , mrs kp nuts (no offense Mr KP Nuts) all on tour down under. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 O,F,G,S if thats all there is to offer down in OZ i'm not goin!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mr KP Nut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Hmmmmmmmmmmmm....... I don't know....I kinda LIKE IT!!!!!:biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 All i wanna do is chuck...... MR KP Nut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 OOO right now i've got that outta my system, Ya musta heard about this, Little blonde come running in to the house looking for her dad tears streaming down her face an cries to her dad,,,, " Dad you gave me some terrible financial advice, " " I did, did i, what did i tell you, " " You told me to put my money in that BIG bank, an now that BIG bank is in trouble, " " What are you talking about? that's 1 of the largest banks in the country, there must be some mistake.!!!! " " I dont think so, " she sniffed, " they keep returning my cheque's with a note saying, ' insufficient funds '. " Mr KP Nut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 theres no way i am nameing her ...........!!!!!! IT WAS FINE UNTIL THE BEER RAN OUT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 EDDIE, for god's sake please, please, STOP, Iv'e now eaten Four times today, the 1 meal going in was ok, but not the rest. Mr KP Nut. An i Think Dan has gone a bit of a turncoat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 An i Think Dan has gone a bit of a turncoat. Its just my way of coming in from behind.....getting ready for the kill...fear not, the battle is afoot!!! Or in the case of Eddies last post....a fat afoot:err: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 EDDIE, for god's sake please, please, STOP,Iv'e now eaten Four times today, the 1 meal going in was ok, but not the rest. Mr KP Nut. An i Think Dan has gone a bit of a turncoat. yep i cant take any more of pictures like that ,my food is now ready. know what u mean about dan ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Apologies for the picture of the big girl This story is not really a joke, its 100% true, its what happened to me today, so if you find it amusing its worthy of a point for our thread. It you may have read from previous threads im a carpenter/joiner by trade, so for my job i drive round in a transit van (the cab is separate from back). anyway got to my workshop this morning, which is in the middle of nowhere, happily working away, then realised i needed some sandpaper which was in the back of the transit. so, i went out to the van, opened one of the back doors and jumped in. At that point a gust of wind slammed shut the bloody door right behind me, leaving me locked in, in total darkness. so i was fumbling around looking for the handle inside, which is a flimsy round handle. Believe it or not the bloody thing come off in my hand. I was then left in the van for around 35 minutes shoulder barging the doors from the inside. I managed to get one of the doors semi-open which meant i'd completely knackered the lock. As both doors were jamming against each other i couldn't get either one to open enough so i could get out. I sat there for a further 15 minutes until luckily a bloke came along, peed himself laughing and thankfully got me out. Now i've got to pay out for a new lock. 100% true story. What a day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Now i know the reason that i've always prefered pick up's. Mr KP Nut. Now for the soppy bit, the best pick up i've ever got is Mrs KP.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Quite for got i had this pic, amazing scenery trouble is Mrs kp got in the way...... Mr KP Nut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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