One for us blokes!!!

[Guest Scarletfever]

 

Grow your own dope

 

 

Plant a woman

[Guest KP Nuts]

Cant post a joke as Mrs KP is limiting me to 1 a day (not gonna last much longer, but looks like the girlies are slipping out) ( aliens and there thread is getting as many views as ours).

 

Maybe should'nt have said that last bit as we all know what they do all day, ( here ).

 

But there again maybe all those choc's ......................

Nah not gonna say it my life is pretty miserable at the mo anyway.

 

Mr KP Nut.

 

Wish she'd let me Scarlet

[Guest Scarletfever]

Cant post a joke as Mrs KP is limiting me to 1 a day (not gonna last much longer, but looks like the girlies are slipping out) ( aliens and there thread is getting as many views as ours).

 

Maybe should'nt have said that last bit as we all know what they do all day, ( here ).

 

But there again maybe all those choc's ......................

Nah not gonna say it my life is pretty miserable at the mo anyway.

 

Mr KP Nut.

 

Wish she'd let me Scarlet

 

Don't worry matey.....them gurlies cheat anyway. :jiggy:

 

anyways..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I GOT LOADS IN RESERVE!!!!:biglaugh:

[Guest Scarletfever]

Okay.....Now the legend, who is also called the VOD, has returned to these parts...it's gonna take a monumental push to get one over on them girlies. :twitcy:

 

Its gonna be tough lads............Its gonna be tougher than the toughest test you've ever taken.

 

Its gonna get dirty, its gonna get serious......don't leave me down guys....they've brought their secret weapon out to play....and she's mean, she moody, she's lovely....I mean NASTY! yeah...nasty thats it! She is the VOD!!! and she mightier than the mightiest...Halleluleah...praise be..:notworthy:

 

Its gonna be a rough ride guys...bring yer cushions and strap them to your undercarriage..

 

For all things blokey......FORWARD!!!!:unsure:

[Guest Scarletfever]

NUN OTHER

 

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.

 

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

 

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

 

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

 

Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

 

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

 

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

 

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

 

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

[Guest Working to fish]

I can see this joke is just insignificant as i've just checked and its 75/80, in favour of the guys, so another one for the boys.

 

In the beginning God created the earth and rested

Then God created man and rested

Then God created woman and rested

Since then neither God nor man has rested

 

 

KP Nuts - joke no. 2

Why do woman fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

 

 

What should you do if your partner starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

 

I was dying to put that joke about smoking on thread running tonight about the smoking ban but i thought as i'd been taking this p**s all week i thought better of it.

[Guest KP Nuts]

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

8. Hangovers go away.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle can be recycled and used by orhters, without a second thought.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. A beer always goes down easy.

16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

26. Good beer costs less than good women.

27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.

28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.

29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.

30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.

31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.

32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.

33. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.

34. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.

35. A beer doesn't make you sleep on the couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.

36. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"

37. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.

38. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.

39. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.

40. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.

 

Ok i admit i pinched this from ( somewhere else ) could'nt resist though.

 

Mr KP Nut.

[Guest Scarletfever]

POTENTIAL AND REALITY

 

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

 

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

 

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

 

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.

 

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

 

She replies, "OH MY GOD! Definitely!"

 

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[Guest Working to fish]

3 men sat at a bar discussing xmas presents they had bought their wives. The 1st man said that he had bought a vacation home in the Bahamas and also one in Jamacia that way if she doesnt like one she could use the other.

 

The 2nd man said he bought his wife a Mercedes sports car and a Rolls Royce for exactly the same reason.

 

The 3rd man said "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator that way if she doesn't like the negligee she can go and screw herself."

[Guest KP Nuts]

A guy walks into a bar an order's a beer.

 

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be a penny".

 

"A penny? thought the guy".

 

He looked at the menu and asked,

 

"How much for a nice big juicy steak and a good bottle of red to compliment it".

 

"5 pence," the barman replied.

 

"5 pence?" exclaimed the man, "where's the fella that owns this place?"

 

The barman replied, "upstairs with my wife."

 

The guy asked "Whats he doin upstairs with your wife."

 

The barman replied, "the same thing i'm doin with his business down here."

 

Mr KP Nut.

[Guest Scarletfever]

There was a guy and he had a blonde girlfriend.

 

She called him at work one morning and told him that she couldn't get any of the jigsaw puzzle pieces to fit together and could he come home so that he could help her finish it.

 

He asked her what the picture was to which she replied that it was a rooster.

 

He came home and walked into the kitchen.

 

"Oh god honey, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

[Guest Working to fish]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

 

After several unsuccessful years of searching she decided to take out a personal ad.

 

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. And after a long distance courtship, they decide to get married.

 

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities, when she returns to the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in the corner.

 

"What happened?" she asks.

 

"I've never been with a woman" he says "But if its anything like screwing a kangeroo i'm going to need all the room i can get."

[Guest Scarletfever]

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

 

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

[Guest Scarletfever]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

 

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

 

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

 

"Yes it is," the man replies.

 

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

 

"No thanks," the man replies.

 

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

 

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.

 

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

 

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

 

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

 

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

 

"Yes it is," replies the man.

 

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

 

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

 

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

 

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

 

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

 

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

 

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

 

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"

the father explains as he hauls the child away.

 

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

 

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[Guest Scarletfever]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.

 

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem."

 

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

 

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

 

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures are circling overhead.

 

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself."

 

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they’re getting closer....."

[Guest Scarletfever]

I'm gonna regret this one.......:err:

 

 

 

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

 

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"

 

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English git"

 

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

 

Dog: "Doin' alright"

 

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

 

Dog: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"

 

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I don't think"

 

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Cool"

 

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

 

Horse: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often

 

and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

 

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar"

 

 

Course....I didn't get the joke at all....:twitcy:

[Guest Scarletfever]

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.

 

 

He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between them, it's worked for your

arse'.

[Guest Scarletfever]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". "I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Welsh". Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man replied... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Dai."

[Guest jonseywife]

OOOOOOooo... Me thinks the boys have all been to the library and cleared out the "Joke book" section - eh girls !!!!!!!!!! :yes:

[Guest Scarletfever]

Just keep adding to the counter Sal!!! :biglaugh:

[Guest Working to fish]

Hey Jonseywife what you doing, have you girls really given up the battle. What are you doing on our thread,you know you're only giving us extra points and now KP nuts and scarletfever are going to be mad at me as i've left no joke, so get back to your own thread.

[Guest jonseywife]

Arrrr... But us girls go for QUALITY & not QUANTITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest Scarletfever]

Arrrr... But us girls go for QUALITY & not QUANTITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Yeah...fair play...that lot that have been added today have been good Sal.. (he says noticing that shes added to the total .....AGAIN!!! ):biglaugh:

[Guest Working to fish]

Pinocchio and splinters

 

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

 

"Every time i have sex with my girlfriend she gets splinters. What can i do about this?"

 

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't so he went to try it.

 

"Pinocchio" said Gepetto a few weeks later, "How has the problem worked out with your girlfriend?"

 

Pinocchio said "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper."

[Guest KP Nuts]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband pull up outside,

 

"Hurry " She said, "Stand in the corner"

 

She rubbed baby oil over him an then threw talcom powder all over him,

 

"Dont move until i tell you," She said, "Pretend your a Statue"

 

"What's this," The husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh It' a statue," she replied, "The jonesy's got 1 i liked it so much i bought 1 for us."

 

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich an a beer.

 

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this, i stood like that for 2 days at the jonsey's and nobody offered me a damned thing"

 

 

Mr KP Nut.

 

 

Any names used in this gag are purely fictional and are not meant to be taken with any seriousness, any comments that are made over this gag about walnuts, peanuts, (salted or roasted) hazelnuts or even hard nuts will be taken in offence........