Newbie- in a right royal mess!

[Guest Ausram]

Hi fellow poms! I'm a new member who just registered after finding this helpful little site thanks to the wonders of Google. I thought I might share my current situation with you so you may perhaps shed some light on my terrible circumstance.

Seven years ago I left the UK and my family behind to start a new life with the woman I loved who resided in Aus, I was 18 at the time. We eventually married and had a son.

Fast-forward seven years to today and I am now separated from her and I suddenly realized I was very alone! At christmas I took a holiday back home to the UK and had a great time with family and friends inc a girl I dated when I was in sixth form. The chemistry was electric just like old times but now I have a problem.

Because of a combination of (in no particular order) missing England family and friends, that girl, and my loneliness in Aus mostly caused by the social life robbing job- I decided to return to the UK. The decision has been a terribly hard one as moving back will mean I dont get to see my son everyday whereas staying will prolong my unhappiness. Am I a bad father if I leave Aus to where I know I will be happy? I wont be involved in his life as much but theres still telephones, weebcams and aircraft right? I love my son dearly but I'm unhappy and alone now I lost my partner.

Sorry to ramble on... some members of my family back in the UK have now started to disown me saying Im not welcome there but they will never know my situation. You have to follow your heart right? Thanks in advance for any support,

 

Ausram

[Guest siamsusie]

Hi fellow poms! I'm a new member who just registered after finding this helpful little site thanks to the wonders of Google. I thought I might share my current situation with you so you may perhaps shed some light on my terrible circumstance.

Seven years ago I left the UK and my family behind to start a new life with the woman I loved who resided in Aus, I was 18 at the time. We eventually married and had a son.

Fast-forward seven years to today and I am now separated from her and I suddenly realized I was very alone! At christmas I took a holiday back home to the UK and had a great time with family and friends inc a girl I dated when I was in sixth form. The chemistry was electric just like old times but now I have a problem.

Because of a combination of (in no particular order) missing England family and friends, that girl, and my loneliness in Aus mostly caused by the social life robbing job- I decided to return to the UK. The decision has been a terribly hard one as moving back will mean I dont get to see my son everyday whereas staying will prolong my unhappiness. Am I a bad father if I leave Aus to where I know I will be happy? I wont be involved in his life as much but theres still telephones, weebcams and aircraft right? I love my son dearly but I'm unhappy and alone now I lost my partner.

Sorry to ramble on... some members of my family back in the UK have now started to disown me saying Im not welcome there but they will never know my situation. You have to follow your heart right? Thanks in advance for any support,

 

Ausram

:hug: a heart rendering decision and I hope you find a solution. If you were my son, you would be given all the help and support possible. Having a family ie. your son over here will never be easy but I think if you and your ex partner work together to find a healthy solution for the mutual benefit of your child, many difficulties can be overcome. An active role i.e. maintenance, communication is the way to go...maybe even consult a lawyer to draw up amicable papers regarding shared custody of your "wee man" so that he can see you havent abandoned him in the future. very best wishes Susie

[Guest Guest31881]

Hi

Hi Ausram,

 

No you are not a bad father, you obviously care for your son and love them him much.

 

Life has to move on, unfortunately life is not fair and people do get hurt. Its impossible to give you real advice because only you know your true feelings. if it was me I think I would consider doing the following. talk to your son(and ex if possible) and explain that you are thinking about going back to the UK and you do not yet know if it will be permanent or temporary. (You don’t know how things will pan out, so there can be no definite plans). Try to arrange to speak to your son at a certain time and day each week, and make sure you never miss that weekly chat. It is most important that they realise you will not forget him and will stay in touch. Depending on how your finances go visit him if possible on a regular basis, yearly or two yearly, so he will know when to expect to see you again. Then go home and get your life sorted out there, you never know in 12 months your new girl may ask about moving to Australia. Don’t be swayed by your family in the UK. Follow your heart and see how things go, there are only two things that matter in your life.

 

1,Your son know you love him and why you have to move

2,Your own sanity, if living here is that bad for you, get back to UK, you can always return to Australia later if you want.

[Guest sunseekers]

Hi Ausram

 

Your circumstances sound awful...poor you...your between a rock and a hard place so to speak...

 

is there no chance of sorting out your relationship .....sounds a bit like a seven year itch. not nice but can usually be worked through, i feel there is a much better chance of a recconsilliation if you are in the same country. she would prob never forgive you if you left and went back to the UK !

However saying that, You really do only live once and if you are trually miserable and see no hope of a happy ever after with your wife then you might as well go where you are happiest, your son will get by without you...millions do ! I would consider you should at the very least be as generous as you can afford to be financially.

Your family members are quite rightly snubbing you but lets face it, the next drama will come along and they will forget about you and get over it eventually.

It is a selfish thing, going back to the Uk and you know it, cant help but wonder though what i would do in your shoes......prob the selfish choice too, so enjoy yourself but the price you will pay will be guilt guilt guilt.

 

All the best

 

Colette

[Guest SO,DIZZY]

Im sure that deep down you will do what is best for you people are inherantly selfish when it comes to pleasures of the heart.. The fact that you are asking this question is that you are wanting to be reasured that staying in the uk with your rekindled flame makes you not such a terrible person for leaving your son..

sorry to play devils advocate but here is my tanners worth id like to say that only you will live with the consiquences of leaving your son in oz and heading for the uk but the ultimate looser is the kidd.. sorry mate if it was me id try and find a way for rekindled to join you here and make an effort to be around for your son.. he wont be a kid forever and you are still a relatively young man..

[Quoll]

Sorry, disagree totally with some of the posters here - an unhappy dad is going to be no good to any child, nor a good role model. As long as you keep up the connections as best you can - and hopefully build into the agreement with his mum that you will have him for long holidays regularly, he will still know that you are his dad and hopefully realize that you and his mum breaking up were not caused by anything that he did. Just be the bigger person in terms of support and contact and hope that your ex doesnt harbour any vitriolic feelings towards you.

 

I would not wish being stuck in a place that you loathe on anyone if they had the capacity to move away and be fulfilled and that goes for mums and dads - we all have a lot of sympathy on here for the mums who are stuck in Australia against their will because of controlling ex-es and so I have total sympathy for a Dad who needs to escape, wouldnt be able to take his child but can make the break for his own sanity.

 

Go for it mate, if your folks wont give you the time of day they probably arent worth bothering about - they may fear losing their grandchild totally and you can sort of understand that. Perhaps you need to "leak" your side of the story to just one reliable family member and see if there can be a bit of softening of their opinion of you. You are still young enough to reclaim your life and make a good one in UK for you and your son. Hope it all works out for you.

[Guest macpom]

I too am a newbie to the sight - but unlike you I am trying my hardest to leave the shores of blighty for good.

Whilst things may look bleak at the moment you don't seem to have given a fresh start in Aus a chance.Aussie are the most friendly optimistic nation I have ever come across - give them another go!! Do you know things will work out with the new love? Can you afford to jump on a plane to see your son whenever you like? Can you really remember what life is like in the UK - it has changed alot in the last few years. Also what you might like to think about is that you have lived your adult life in Aus and not in the UK. As someone who spent a year living in QLD with family (4 kids) I can say with a little experince that over all your quality of life is far better.Living in the UK you will spend more money on :heating, clothes, recreation (most activities have to involve being indoors - or bloomin cold) and jobs are not that easy to come by. They might all seem like boring practicalities - but they do make up a significat portion of every day living.

I agree that you have family in the UK - but would you see them alot even if you lived there? All my familiy live here in the UK and I saw more of them when we lived in QLD than we ever do here!

I don't know if any of that was of any help - but remember you only get one chance to watch your kids grow up. Keep smiling and good luck with whatever path you choose.:smile:

[Guest SO,DIZZY]

Sorry, disagree totally with some of the posters here - an unhappy dad is going to be no good to any child, nor a good role model. As long as you keep up the connections as best you can - and hopefully build into the agreement with his mum that you will have him for long holidays regularly, he will still know that you are his dad and hopefully realize that you and his mum breaking up were not caused by anything that he did. Just be the bigger person in terms of support and contact and hope that your ex doesnt harbour any vitriolic feelings towards you.

 

I would not wish being stuck in a place that you loathe on anyone if they had the capacity to move away and be fulfilled and that goes for mums and dads - we all have a lot of sympathy on here for the mums who are stuck in Australia against their will because of controlling ex-es and so I have total sympathy for a Dad who needs to escape, wouldnt be able to take his child but can make the break for his own sanity.

 

Go for it mate, if your folks wont give you the time of day they probably arent worth bothering about - they may fear losing their grandchild totally and you can sort of understand that. Perhaps you need to "leak" your side of the story to just one reliable family member and see if there can be a bit of softening of their opinion of you. You are still young enough to reclaim your life and make a good one in UK for you and your son. Hope it all works out for you.

 

 

I totaly disagree with most of what you said.. your talking about parenthood as if it were optional and children as if they can be turned on and off like a light builb.. kids want there parents around regardless of how that parent feels most of the time parents are pretty unhappy about one thing or another I heard no mention of a controlling ex wife nor did he say he was desperately unhappy only lonely... so thats a bit random.... first and foremost the man is a father and with this comes a responsibility to his child a phisical relationship with your child can not be replaced by a web cam

there isnt a week that goes by that i wouldnt rather be childless for just an hour or two and on certain days husbandless for that matter.. but then i remember that my children are here because I made it so and therfore my responsibility and well the husband will never leave me he said he is staying with me forever as a punishment..

 

this man is realy quite young and will still have a life well after this child is raised to an age that he could understand being abandoned you are talking about him reclaiming his life like this child is a burden and something has been stolen from him.. sorry guys but as soon as you have kids you have to make sacrifices... the choice is easy leave and put himself first or stay and be a man and a father a child can respect and look up to and kick a ball with.

and as for mothers forced to stay here to keep there children well that says it all they stay regardless of how unhappy they are if this was a woman wanting to abandon there child in the same manner there would be less support for them believe me....

children are all too disposable these days

[Guest SO,DIZZY]

I too am a newbie to the sight - but unlike you I am trying my hardest to leave the shores of blighty for good.

Whilst things may look bleak at the moment you don't seem to have given a fresh start in Aus a chance.Aussie are the most friendly optimistic nation I have ever come across - give them another go!! Do you know things will work out with the new love? Can you afford to jump on a plane to see your son whenever you like? Can you really remember what life is like in the UK - it has changed alot in the last few years. Also what you might like to think about is that you have lived your adult life in Aus and not in the UK. As someone who spent a year living in QLD with family (4 kids) I can say with a little experince that over all your quality of life is far better.Living in the UK you will spend more money on :heating, clothes, recreation (most activities have to involve being indoors - or bloomin cold) and jobs are not that easy to come by. They might all seem like boring practicalities - but they do make up a significat portion of every day living.

I agree that you have family in the UK - but would you see them alot even if you lived there? All my familiy live here in the UK and I saw more of them when we lived in QLD than we ever do here!

I don't know if any of that was of any help - but remember you only get one chance to watch your kids grow up. Keep smiling and good luck with whatever path you choose.:smile:

 

 

there is no way you will spend more money on clothes and recreation in the uk:laugh:.. but your right when you say his quality of life will be much better in Australia....

[Guest guest36888]

Hi,

anything is possible! I have two sisters & one brother all divorced partners while their children were young. One sister lives in UK & ex in South Africa. The other sister lives in South Africa & her ex in Greece. Brother lives in Zambia & his ex in Canada! In each case their children continued to live with their mothers but had long & fabulous visits each year to the counry the fathers came to settle in. None were particularly well off but somehow througout their childrens young lives each parent contributed to the children visiting their fathers annually at least. They are now all grown & all of the children are nicely bonded to both parents including step parents & step siblings. In one case the son completed his school education with his dad in SA as mum couldn't cope with the teenage years! After finishing school, son returned to UK to settle. All happy! They are a good example of what can be achieved when parents put their children first & allow each other to move on after a divorce. The goal must be to provide a secure & unbreakable link with your son! Good luck & don't despair, things have a way of working themselves out!x

[Quoll]

I totaly disagree with most of what you said.. your talking about parenthood as if it were optional and children as if they can be turned on and off like a light builb.. kids want there parents around regardless of how that parent feels most of the time parents are pretty unhappy about one thing or another I heard no mention of a controlling ex wife nor did he say he was desperately unhappy only lonely... so thats a bit random.... first and foremost the man is a father and with this comes a responsibility to his child a phisical relationship with your child can not be replaced by a web cam

there isnt a week that goes by that i wouldnt rather be childless for just an hour or two and on certain days husbandless for that matter.. but then i remember that my children are here because I made it so and therfore my responsibility and well the husband will never leave me he said he is staying with me forever as a punishment..

 

this man is realy quite young and will still have a life well after this child is raised to an age that he could understand being abandoned you are talking about him reclaiming his life like this child is a burden and something has been stolen from him.. sorry guys but as soon as you have kids you have to make sacrifices... the choice is easy leave and put himself first or stay and be a man and a father a child can respect and look up to and kick a ball with.

and as for mothers forced to stay here to keep there children well that says it all they stay regardless of how unhappy they are if this was a woman wanting to abandon there child in the same manner there would be less support for them believe me....

children are all too disposable these days

 

How very sad that your OH sees staying with you as a punishment because you brought kids into the world together. You get less time for murder!

 

Of course raising a child with two happy parents is the best idea but sometimes adults decide they cannot live with each other. Nowhere did I say that parenthood was optional - if the OP does his best to remain in his child's life but models good happy behaviour far away he will be doing a better job than remaining and modelling unhappy behaviour no matter how hard he tries not to be unhappy. I seriously doubt that being raised by any parent with depression is a clue to a happy childhood and being stuck in a place you do not want to be is a key cause of depression. I think you need to read between the lines about loneliness and isolation there.

 

The OP isnt talking about absolving himself from parental responsibilities and if they play their cards right the child will get good quality time from his dad, just not on a daily basis - long holidays can still serve to maintain good relationships. It isnt abandonment if it is done well. Of course, if he buggered off to UK and never bothered with even a Christmas card then all bets are off.

 

There is a sort of double standard here too where people moving to Australia insist that they can keep good relationships going with extended family through skype etc so why not an extended fatherly relationship with long holidays. I think it can work and may be to the child's benefit in the long run.