emotional dilemma- how do you do it?

[jaxcooper]

Hubby and I are coming over for a visit in November with a view to a move in the near future.

My problem is my family. My mother is alone, has no friends and doesn't work at present. She relies completely on me and my children to keep her sane (in her words) and although I have a fantastic sister it has always been me looking after my mother.

 

I am turning 35 tomorrow- I have a wonderful husband and 2 gorgeous children and I really really want us to move over there to have a happier life.

 

How do I leave my mother? She says she understands but wants to come over too as she'll not cope being stuck in this country without us. She has no money and seems to think it's my husbands responsibility to provide for her too- she is a very strong woman.

 

My mother is great in so many ways, she is fantastic with the children too and they adore her. I am racked with guilt over wanting to leave her behind! Has anyone else dealt with something similar? How do you do it? Am I doing the right thing wanting to leave or am I being selfish?

 

Help please!!!:arghh:

[Guest caza75]

hi i know how you feel as we have already been over this year to validate visas an wer hoping to be back over by now but my mum has dementia an has since taken a stroke.. she not to bad with the stroke an dementia is early stages although it has got worse since stroke. at present she is in hospital but doc has advised her to go to nursin care home, my heart is breakin cos i feel like i am lettin her down an just like you i have a sister here who is great but i was the main one with mum an so was my kids. i think we have to think of our own family an i know its hard but hopefully you will sort it out xo

[Guest nomad]

Hi,

 

We had a similar situation.. My mum is a young 69, she is active with lots of friends and although not happy about us going, supported our move. My mother-in-law is an old 61. She had few friends and it was my wife that provided the support in her life.

 

It was a difficult move for us as we felt obliged to stay and provide support, but there is a great post on this site (which I can't find now), that talked about the fact the you have to recognise that you are now a family unit and therefore it needs to come first. It sound cruel, but for us, we made the decision that come hell or high-water we are going !!..

 

With the momentous decision taken, we spend the next two years preparing the emotional ground work, plus practical things like my wife started to encourage my mum-in-law to start crafting and got her involved in a club. She went a few time with her and she started to make friends.. You get the idea.. As i said it took us two years. We also put other steps like getting her a laptop and teaching her to send email etc..

 

I'm not saying this is easy, as I said i took 2 years of work from my wife (who is a saint) and on the day we left, we all cried.

 

But we were absolutely thrilled to hear that since leaving, the mum-in-law is going shopping with her new friends, going to the Gym, helping with the scouts, helping at the Church..

 

Decide what is best for your family unit and put a plan into place.

 

Sorry about the long message.. Good luck.. God Bless..

[Guest r17ych]

Oh my heart goes out to the first two posts, I hope things work out for the best for all concerned.

 

Love,

 

Raych x

[Peach]

you have to recognise that you are now a family unit and therefore it needs to come first.

 

I think you say it all in one short sentence here. As much as I know it's going to be an emotional upheaval from my family, I know that I absolutely have to do what's right for my son and partner.

[jaxcooper]

Thank you! My mother has always made it clear that she gave up her life for us ( Dad left when I was 4 so 31 years ago) and it's like we owe her now. I love the idea of focusing on getting her socialised again. She doesn't help herself at all but if I focus, you are right, I can do something to make it easier or at least feel less guilty! I am new to this site really appreciate the time and advice you've given.

[Guest bonefish13]

I begin this post with a little trepidation, if truth were known an awful lot of trepidation. I have an inkling that this is one post is going to have a huge impact. It is going to come across as extremely harsh, and to some extent you will either end up castigating me, or seeing my point completely. However it is one post that has to be included if I am to be true in what I set out to achieve, so please bear this in mind when you read the following words.

 

I like to think that there is some degree of humanity in all of us, sometimes I have been let down on a huge scale, but nonetheless I am forever the eternal optimist and like to think the best of people if at all possible, and this could not be more true when it is used with relation to our families, those that we love dearly and care about immensely.

 

Hopefully, if you are like me you have the love and support of all those around you that we hold dear. Of course human relationships can be at times very difficult and this can be found in any number of relationships. But I would like to think that at the very least those around us are supportive and caring.

 

Even if you do not have a loving family around you the majority of us will have friends, and some very dear friends. I guess what I am trying to say here is this, and this sounds very harsh, but this is after all your life and you have to live it how you see fit. With one proviso, that you do not go out of your way, or intentionally hurt anyone around you.

 

Simply by making the decision to emigrate you are no doubt going to upset someone around you. This is an inevitable facet of the migration process. It is one that is no good shying away from, or worse, pretending it does not exist.

 

Whilst those that we love and care about will all have their reasons for offering their opinions, and they may be very understandable, at some point in time as the migrant you are going to have to listen to things that you may find somewhat unpalatable from those that we hold dear.

 

I would like to think that the majority of these opinions will be well balanced and fair. After all, these people love you dearly, and to be confronted with the possibility that they may not see you as regularly as they used to will come as a huge shock and surprise to them.

 

The decision that you have thought long and hard about, (hopefully), is one that you realise will not only have a huge impact on your life but also those around us. That is a point worth reiterating. Even though this is a decision you have made, it WILL impact on all those around you.

 

I would like to think that the majority of your family and friends will be wholly behind you, and support you in your decision. However hard this may be for them they will do all they can to show that you have their support. It may be an extremely difficult pill to swallow for them, but when you love someone as they do I would hope that the opinions offered will be positive.

 

However some relatives and friends will I dare say use all types of emotional blackmail to make you feel not only guilty, but try to put you in an impossible position. I have heard some horror stories about what has been said to prospective migrants before their departure, and to migrants who have already arrived in Australia.

 

They may have been in Australia for many months or even years but that does not stop family and friends from airing their views that at times can be extremely hurtful and if truth were known spiteful in the extreme.

 

Sometimes this has worked and many a good person has decided to stay in the UK or not to emigrate to Australia. Its all very well being blasé and to a certain degree arrogant. But when a family member or dear friend is bereft at the thought of you emigrating the whole scenario can change very quickly indeed.

 

One example was a lady who on the eve of her departure decided that she would not go. On the very eve of her departure she had taken the life changing decision not to board the flight to Australia the very next day.

 

The reason for this was at first glance was very simple. Her brother, who had never been particularly supportive anyway had said to her that very evening that their mother would one day need caring for. That she would come to the point in her life where she needed her family around her.

 

Bearing in mind that this had never been said before it does open up some rather distasteful possibilities. The brother had always said he did not agree with his sisters decision to emigrate, but these opinions were always in the vain of, 'I will miss you'. A sentiment we can all agree with. But now the comments had become somewhat cruel and vindictive.

 

Bearing in mind that the mother in question was still only 48, in perfect health, and fully supportive of her daughter this could be viewed as not only a vicious and calculated attack, but one that was extremely cruel and selfish. It would be easy to say that the young lady in question already had doubts about her departure. And these doubts were only magnified tenfold by her brother's rather severe attack, but this was far from the truth.

 

She was adamant in her decision. I knew, and know her well. She had done everything that was required to facilitate a successful transition from one country to another. The research and dedication she had shown was indeed admirable. She thought that she had done all she could, but she had forgotten that at times peoples motives can be somewhat suspect.

 

Of course she was upset that the move to Australia would mean that she was many thousands of miles away from her loved ones, both family and friends. But her mind was made up, or so she thought.

 

Her brothers last comment was, if you like the straw that broke the camels back. Even though her mind had been made up, this final, spiteful statement was more than she could bear and she decided to stay here in the UK.

 

She even spoke to her mother about her brothers 'valid' comments. No matter the words of reassurance from her mum, the daughter would hear little of it. Her mother pleaded with her to go. Reassured her that she was in fine fettle. Said that she would visit her daughter at least once a year, and would even pay for her daughter to come back to the UK whenever she wanted for a holiday.

 

It goes without saying that the young lady concerned already knew that her mum was getting older, unfortunately a fact of life that we all have to accept. But she had considered this at all times when she contemplated her move and plans had been put into place to negate any undue stress and worry from both parties concerned.

 

But she would hear little of it. She was going to stay in the UK and come what may, nothing anybody said would change her mind, at all.

 

To this day I know she is still in the UK. She has unfortunately lost her chance of emigrating because her initial entry only allowed her to go to Australia before June 2007. Even though she has tried, explored every avenue possible, it looks as if her chance has gone. Indeed a tragic and very sad scenario.

 

It later transpired that the 'concerned' brother (unmarried), has since taken a job in the middle east and his plans are to eventually settle in Dubai. Obviously these plans had been in full swing many months ago, so his motives now seem somewhat suspect.

 

I will leave it open to your interpretation as to why he should have said such a thing, but to me it is obvious. This story of course is not the norm, in fact, a very rare case, but it does go to show what can at times happen when we consider migrating to a different country.

 

The vast majority of us will never be faced with such an issue. For the most part our family and friends will be totally supportive. Of course there will be tears and heartache. Not only from you, but all those that we are leaving behind.

 

At the end of the day no matter what, the vast majority of us will end up feeling some pangs of guilt when we announce to the world that we plan to emigrate to the other side of the world.

 

I hesitate to use the 'selfish' in relation to emigration, but to some degree this is an inevitable facet of our decision. After all, the decision you have made will impact hugely on all those that we care and love. So in essence it could be viewed as a selfish decision to arrive at.

 

One of the best ways I have found to approach this is quite simply put yourself in the position of the loved one/friend that you have just told about your plans. I know it is difficult to do so, but please try nonetheless. As with most situations it is impossible to empathise or sympathise with any given scenario unless you have been in exactly the same position as the person in question.

 

But try to imagine how you would feel if you were told the same thing. The feelings and emotions would be overwhelming. Thoughts about all and sundry would race through your head and state of confusion would entail. Your mind would be filled with every conceivable emotion. Memories of loved ones that normally would be at the back of your mind are now at the very forefront.

 

Birthdays spent together, family holidays, the list goes on and on. For all intense purposes you would become somewhat of an emotional wreck. After all, as I have said, this is part of being a member of the human race.

 

But here is the crux of the matter. Unless it is a life or death scenario you simply have to go to Australia. As harsh and hard that this seems it is a fact. Whilst you may love all those around dearly and you will no doubt miss them immensely, your mind has to be made up and the decision you have made is one that you have to try and assimilate as quickly as possible.

 

There will be times when the feelings of guilt and negativity seem all encompassing. There will be times that all you want to do is curl up and give into these feelings and stay in the UK or return from Australia because someone is going to miss you very much. There will be times when all you want to do is give in to these feelings and refuse to go to Australia.

 

But these thoughts and feelings must be fought against with all of your might. Please understand that I know exactly what I am speaking about here. I am not speaking out of turn at all. As I previously said, it is very difficult to empathise or sympathise unless you have been in the exactly the same situation, but I can assure you that on many occasions I have been in the situation we are speaking of now.

 

I have on many an occasion lived and breathed what you will have to overcome. The feelings I felt were horrible in the extreme, and I would be lying to you if at times I said to myself that the easiest thing to do would be to stay here and make EVERYONE ELSE happy.

 

Don't get me wrong. No one I knew at that time ever said to me 'Don't go,' but they made it very obvious that they would miss us all greatly. And of course they had every right to say these things. I would have been very upset if they had not made their feelings very clear. I would have been most upset if everyone I told just nodded in agreement and for all intense purposes not cared less. But at that time these thoughts did not make me feel any better.

 

But what you have to remember is this. That you have made the decision to emigrate for YOU, and if your lucky, YOUR FAMILY. You are doing the very best for those that you love dearly, and for this reason alone you have every right to make a new start in a new country. Again that sounds harsh, but it is the truth, and there is no other way of saying it.

As I said to use the word 'selfish' can seem very harsh, but in the cold light of day this is a fact of life. If you are any kind of decent human being then obviously you will be feeling guilty about your decision. Unfortunately it goes with he territory.

 

It is very hard to see someone you care about getting upset and emotional when they hear of your decision. All you can possibly do is talk it through with them calmly, and with care. Hopefully this will help the situation somewhat, and maybe all those involved can eventually come to terms with your decision.

 

This is all you can do, talk to them. At times they will not see the reasoning behind your decision. At times they will refuse to accept the decision, and at times I am sorry to say, their will be conflict. But at other times there will be congratulations and hand shakes all around.

 

Some of the very same people who were only the other day congratulating you on your decision will in the next breath criticise and question your plans, and vise versa. Such is the migration process. It is indeed a very emotional time for all concerned, not just the migrants.

 

It is no good losing your temper in any way, shape or form. This will not help anyone, least of all you. I have known many people completely lose the plot with family and friends when even the most innocent comment may have been made. This has only led to further conflict, and in the long run was detrimental to all concerned.

 

But in the cold light of day it has to said that your decision to emigrate has to be yours and yours alone. It would be no good of me to say it will be any other way.

 

No matter what is said by all those around you this is a decision that you have arrived at after long and protracted thought. In the best interests of you and your family it is a decision that has been made with the best possible intentions.

 

Selfish, maybe. Cruel, possibly. But a decision nonetheless that you have made in order for your life to be better. And unfortunately it is a decision that those around you will have to accept, no matter how hard that may be.:wink:

[Happy Lass]

My parents spent the best years of their lives looking after Dad's Dad and then Mum's Mum. I have lovely Grandparents but both became very ill (Alzheimers and strokes in one, dementia, heart problems, thrombosis, arthritis in the other) after a few years and it was very hard on both of my parents in particular. My Dad died recently of cancer and I can tell you what my Mum would tell you without even needing to ask her. Live your life. If moving to Australia is your dream, you will find a way to make sure your Mum will be okay.

 

Best of luck and lots of it to you :hug:

[LojaChica]

Oh My Goodness...............A post so close to my heart:sad:

 

Our Mum came with us...............My Brother is resident here!

 

We are enjoying our experience BUT it's not where our heart is ultimately and we want to go back to Spain!

 

Our Mum won't come with us and she is desperately unhappy here BUT won't admit that to my Brother!

 

For me it's a "lose lose" situation!

 

I HAVE to leave her here............to pursue my own life!

 

It's not what we wanted at all!

 

SO............the message is clear

 

PLEASE do what you have to do for your OWN FAMILY............selfish maybe? BUT you have to think of Number 1 now!

 

IF I'd have known what I know now............Boy would I have done things differently!!!!

 

My Ideal for Mum..............6mths in Oz..............3mths Spain...........3mths UK...............She would have been fine I'm sure!

 

We've bent over backwards to "please" the Family............it's not the right thing to do because eventually you have to do what's right for you here and now!!!!!

 

AND we lose out not having Mum around......................feel like we've ruined her life even though it was her choice!

 

Good luck with everything and my thoughts are with you

[Guest Perth Princess]

Hubby and I are coming over for a visit in November with a view to a move in the near future.

My problem is my family. My mother is alone, has no friends and doesn't work at present. She relies completely on me and my children to keep her sane (in her words) and although I have a fantastic sister it has always been me looking after my mother.

 

I am turning 35 tomorrow- I have a wonderful husband and 2 gorgeous children and I really really want us to move over there to have a happier life.

 

How do I leave my mother? She says she understands but wants to come over too as she'll not cope being stuck in this country without us. She has no money and seems to think it's my husbands responsibility to provide for her too- she is a very strong woman.

 

My mother is great in so many ways, she is fantastic with the children too and they adore her. I am racked with guilt over wanting to leave her behind! Has anyone else dealt with something similar? How do you do it? Am I doing the right thing wanting to leave or am I being selfish?

 

Help please!!!:arghh:

Yes, we have all dealt with similar. No you are not unreasonably selfish if you go ahead, but yes it will be hard. Nobody can tell you what to do, you have to do what is right for you and live with the consequences. The fact that you worry about it indicates that you are a thoughful person, so don't allow anyone else to judge you. just do what you believe to be right:hug:

[Guest caza75]

My parents spent the best years of their lives looking after Dad's Dad and then Mum's Mum. I have lovely Grandparents but both became very ill (Alzheimers and strokes in one, dementia, heart problems, thrombosis, arthritis in the other) after a few years and it was very hard on both of my parents in particular. My Dad died recently of cancer and I can tell you what my Mum would tell you without even needing to ask her. Live your life. If moving to Australia is your dream, you will find a way to make sure your Mum will be okay.

 

Best of luck and lots of it to you :hug:

i know if i dont go back out i will have a lifetime of regret an end up bein so resentful , i began this process 2 years ago when none of the problems were apparant , but still i am beating myself up for wantin a better life for my 9yr old its the old irish guilt thing i find over here:arghh: