Guest marriedtoanaussie Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 New to this I had the pleasure of meeting an Aussie in port Douglas marrying him and raising 3 children in UK over the last 10 yrs. We had(still have as rented out) a nice house in a nice area.Life was good although, I always had a niggle that maybe life could be even better-this was fuelled by the large number of people who would say the words "you are married to an aussie!!!!, what are you doing here?" "I would go in a heart beat ...your children will thank you for it etc......" So, after holidaying every 2 years over 10 yrs to Brisbane ( to see family,sight see and show off the children etc) we made the jump. Arrived March 09. I honestly felt flattered when my spouse visa was approved. I should add that my Uk family are very close, both geographically and emotionally. Renting a house, Kids in school, work is sporadic but hopeful. The sunshine (although sometimes too hot), watching the kids play in the surf, the fabulous parks,swimming pools are all good, I just cant let go. An ex pat said to me " if you want a good life here in Oz, you have to let go off everything/everyone in the UK. You have to accept a completely different relationship with your sisters, neices, nephews, mum, dad,brother, sisters........and this is when it hit me.....I dont want our relationship to change...the odd flight home, skpe, email, phone calls..its just not enough. I am lucky as my husband has agreed to go back (he was always happy there). I know some people will say I havent given it enough time and thats their opinion but I know, if I cant let go, it will never work. We have no jobs in the (recession hit)Uk to go back to, our house is rented out, the local school has filled my children's places but .......to see my sister's new baby, to watch my mum read to my toddler, to spend evenings in the pub beer garden with my brother and sisters and their other halves...it will all be worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest22466 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I understand where you are at and it is homesickness for your family and friends. Who ever gave you the advice about the relationship will never be the same is true to a point and you do give up alot. Many come to Australia who have family and friends already here which does make it easier for them. I have no choice as my sons father and I are now divorced so I remain in Australia to be with my son. No one knows how you will feel they say give it 2 years at least and then see. I know the feelings that your feeling and I have had to deal with many emotions but I have no choice. In the meantime just think at least you can go back maybe not to what you left but back to your family and friends. Good luck what ever you decide Im sure many on this site have felt the same as yourself at some stage and still do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoanneHattersley Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 To the original poster, I realise this is not your quote but thought that it needed addressing " if you want a good life here in Oz, you have to let go off everything/everyone in the UK. You have to accept a completely different relationship with your sisters, neices, nephews, mum, dad,brother, sisters You do NOT have to let go of everything. What a bunch of crap! Yes, you will have a different relationship but thats only to be expected when you move to the other side of the world! Let go............no way! Why should you let go of everything that you know or have known in your life! I have a good life here in Oz. It all depends on what you determine as a good life! I have more time with my OH, I earn the same, my parents are here....that to me is a good life. - Calling my parents and saying "I`ll be over in an hour with some wine" Thats a good life! - Planning a day out and knowing the weather is good, thats a good life! - Being with my OH - thats a good life! All depends what you are looking for I guess, moving here does not mean you cut off everything you left there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest funkymonkey Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 To the original poster, I realise this is not your quote but thought that it needed addressing You do NOT have to let go of everything. What a bunch of crap! Yes, you will have a different relationship but thats only to be expected when you move to the other side of the world! Let go............no way! Why should you let go of everything that you know or have known in your life! I have a good life here in Oz. It all depends on what you determine as a good life! I have more time with my OH, I earn the same, my parents are here....that to me is a good life. - Calling my parents and saying "I`ll be over in an hour with some wine" Thats a good life! - Planning a day out and knowing the weather is good, thats a good life! - Being with my OH - thats a good life! All depends what you are looking for I guess, moving here does not mean you cut off everything you left there! I Disagree with this, you say you have your parents here, so you haven't given up your relationship with them, you still see them and they are close to where you live. I know a lot of expats who say exactly the same thing, you must forget about your life back home if you want to make a life here in Australia. I know so many who have never been back for a holiday because they won't be able to come back here afterwards. You have to accept that your relationship with the people you love at home will be through email, the telephone and a trip back every couple of years if you can afford it, and thats not just this year and next year and the year after....that's for the rest of your life..and theirs! Do not play down or underestimate the fact that you have to let go of your previous life and people to survive...it makes sense if you live so far away from them you just cannot keep thinking about them in the same way as you did day after day. The relationship is different to say the least...through a camera in your laptop or the end of a phone. Your lucky, your parents have been able to come here and live near to you..for most this is not possible and is the worst and hardest thing to come to terms with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I think its hard to the original poster you do have family here just not your immediate family and the family here probably feel the same when grandchildren, nieces and nephews back return to the UK. It comes down to the fact that children need all their family not just part of it and whose family should have the benefit. As a Mum with a son I would be unhappy inside that my son had chosen to go away and live overseas but would not let him know that. It would still be hard though. I fail to understand if people have such close relationships with family are happy with their lifestyle why they emigrate to Australia which is about as far away as people can go, apart from NZ and Antarctica. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest22466 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 Johatts do you have any family in Australia? If so life will be easier for you here too. Petals people move to OZ hoping to give their children a better life which is not always the case and under estimate how much they will miss their own family and friends once here as it can be lonely for the people you love . As everyone keeps saying you dont know till YOU try it , what one persons situatuion in OZ is not someone elses. Just because it is for you it does not mean to say it is for everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoanneHattersley Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I Disagree with this, you say you have your parents here, so you haven't given up your relationship with them, you still see them and they are close to where you live. Fair enough to disagree! We`re not all the same and this is what PIO is for...debate! I would never give up my relationship with my parents, whether they were in UK or here! I see them about every 4-5 weeks. They are not really close to me but closer than UK I`ll grant you that! lol! I know a lot of expats who say exactly the same thing, you must forget about your life back home if you want to make a life here in Australia. I know so many who have never been back for a holiday because they won't be able to come back here afterwards. I can understand people thinking that way, I just dont agree. How can you forget about life back home? That is you, your make up, those people raised you! I have never been back for a holiday and I have no desire to. Not because I wouldnt come back, but because I know at the moment, I really just dont want to go to UK! You have to accept that your relationship with the people you love at home will be through email, the telephone and a trip back every couple of years if you can afford it, and thats not just this year and next year and the year after....that's for the rest of your life..and theirs! I accept that completely! Emails etc all filter out after a few years and you hear from people less and less. I understand that completely. However I can say Im not the one that stopped emailing! I always am the one that makes the effort. One ofm y aunts has not sent me a birthday or christmas card since we left. HOwever I always send her one, Do not play down or underestimate the fact that you have to let go of your previous life and people to survive...it makes sense if you live so far away from them you just cannot keep thinking about them in the same way as you did day after day. The relationship is different to say the least...through a camera in your laptop or the end of a phone. I agree you let go to a degree but I couldnt let go completely. Maybe that is just me???? Your lucky, your parents have been able to come here and live near to you..for most this is not possible and is the worst and hardest thing to come to terms with This has been my Mums dream to live here since I was 2 (35 years ago). That was scuppered back then by other family members. I consider it a priveledge that I was able to be in a position to make her ultimate dream come true. It is hard being without parents. I went from seeing them every few days to not seeing them for a few years! That was the hardest thing in the world. I am lucky...I know that and REALLY appreciate that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoanneHattersley Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 Johatts do you have any family in Australia? If so life will be easier for you here too. . My parents are here through me being a sponsor. My Mums cousins are here. All teh rest of my family are in the UK and all my inlaws are in teh UK. My parents arrivwed last October. i miss the family that is not here dreadfully. Apologies to the OP , we seem to have deviated a bit here!! Lets get back on track Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marriedtoanaussie Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I think its hard to the original poster you do have family here just not your immediate family and the family here probably feel the same when grandchildren, nieces and nephews back return to the UK. It comes down to the fact that children need all their family not just part of it and whose family should have the benefit. As a Mum with a son I would be unhappy inside that my son had chosen to go away and live overseas but would not let him know that. It would still be hard though. I fail to understand if people have such close relationships with family are happy with their lifestyle why they emigrate to Australia which is about as far away as people can go, apart from NZ and Antarctica. I felt I had to try to live In Aus for my family's sake. We have visited for 5 weeks each time 5 times over the last 10 yrs, so a reccie would not have sorted this out. I believe, that until I was actually here, saw the prices of flights, worked out the cost of living, husbands potential salary etc....I didnt really know how real the pain of leaving family really is. Call me naive, and I salute all of you that have done it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest22466 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 Yes johatts your lucky to have family here as it does make a difference. Your friends become your family here in OZ but its just not the same somehow. I too wish all my family were here and we were not split up but this is what happens when you migrate thats why its not always as easy for others. Im not saying dont move to OZ as its a beautiful country with great people but homesickness for your people is a hard one and you either deal with it or end up going home. I think we have to appreciate on this site that everyone is going to have a different outlook on migration as each outcome is different as we are all different people and our wants and needs are different. Unless your in someone elses shoes you have no idea how they feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoanneHattersley Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I didnt really know how real the pain of leaving family really is. Call me naive No-one will ever call you naive! Homesickness and "peoplesickness" is something that I think everyone goes through. I know people that have been here 40 odd years and they still miss the UK! My OH always thought that I would not settl, would miss family adn want to go back. In reality I actually settled quicker and easier than him! I miss people, i dont miss the place. I think when you start seeing kids grow up, or friends change/pass away etc...you realise how far away you are . You are definately not naive! you are human and having human , normal emotions! Nowt wrong with that !:wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Not easy being in a mixed marriage is it? There are a couple of things here that other folk may not understand because they dont apply to them. First off, you had a good life and were close to your family. I think if you have family of your own here in Australia that does make it a heck of a lot easier for you. Even the prospect that they will be here eventually is enough to make it liveable. Secondly, one of the issues besetting mixed marriages is that one of you has it all by way of family, friends, heritage etc and the other has nothing but potential isolation and a hard job to get back into as supportive a social structure. I really do think these are special difficulties for mixed marriages - in the normal scheme of emigration you are both separated from parents and friends, both have to start again with new jobs, new social networks etc and that makes it much easier to handle IMHO. I have been in Australia for 30 years now as part of a mixed marriage and have never "belonged" here. I have lived here and quite happily too for about 20 of those years but at the core of it all was the knowledge that I didnt belong here, my people were not here and the country has none of my heritage and, unfortunately for me, not much that I value. My DH did apparently tell my mum that if I didnt like it he would take me home but he seems to have conveniently forgotten that promise and he wont leave Australia. You are really lucky that you not only have a DH who will go back with you but that you have a home to go home to! If I could have turned back the clock even 10 or 15 years I would do that and I would have gone home in a heartbeat. Australia is not a magical land and good parents can give their kids just as good opportunities and experiences in UK as they can in Aus they are just going to be different experiences. Good luck with whatever you and your family decide to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest22466 Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Quoll I agree and even if both of you are British and migrated with your British children to Australia unless BOTH of you agree to return to the UK your children remain in Australia. If you try to take your children home to the UK you would be charged with child abduction through the Hague Convention Laws and sent to the High Court in London and ordered to return your children back to Australia wether you go back with them or not which most people do not know about and happens more than everyone admits. This can leave the returning parent and children in Australia sometimes with no home no money and no family and friends here in Australia. So its not as simple as well if I /we dont like it I/we can come back unless you leave your children in Australia. WE does not matter once in the migrated country and the verbal agreement made in the UK is out of the window its does not mean anything, even if you still have a house back in the UK . Even when one parent comes on a temporary visa as the spouse this also applies so even the visa status does not matter. To apply for a relocation case in Australia to return your children to the UK costs $120,000 in legal fees , taking 18mths to get to court and most are unable to return back home to the UK anyway so its a waste of money, some legals will advise you not to bother wasting your money and just make a life here, however most will take your money for nothing. People do not think about these things as they are so into a new happy life and the grass is greener and for some it is and for some it is not. NO one knows what is around that corner no one. I know of a woman who had a great marriage before coming to Australia and then not too far down the track her OH met someone else here in Australia and left her alone with the children and she could not return home to the UK with her children as the father has the right to see his children, to which he should . So to migrate to another country with children is huge. As I always say everyones situation is different and KNOWLEDGE IS POWER that is why sites like this showing the positives and the negative posts are great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Comes down to the fact let the head rule the heart not the heart the head. I was always aware of the problem and made up my mind that I would marry a fellow Brit even though I lived overseas. This is what arranged marriage is about for some cultures, the parents know the pitfalls of marrying out of ones own culture. Someone always has to give up and some can but a lot cannot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest22466 Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Petals are you still married to your fellow brit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 Yes I am and its 36 years and we live here in Aus and love it. However if we had stayed in UK after we married we would have loved that too we are very easy to please and very happy together. If we had to move to another country for my oh work as he had more earning power than me then I would have gladly gone as he is my family. Children are on loan and ultimately if oh who we end up with and remain with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest22466 Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 Yes Petals thought you would still be with OH and I am glad you are and it has all worked out of you all here in Australia. That is how most people expect it to be but it does not always go that way through no fault of their own. That is why this site is good for the positive posts and the not so positive but also informational posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 For me having family here didn't make that much of a difference. My brother lives in QLD, I live in WA - his being in Aus had no baring on our decision to move to Aus, we exchange emails/phone calls on birthdays and xmas that hasn't changed. In fact our ethos was - if we're going to make this work we do it for us and not because my brother lived in Brisbane. The responsibility for our migration to succeed was down to us, so we took 'family' out of the equation and looked at places we wanted to live. We left all our relations (and I'll include close friends in the relations bit,), and arrived knowing no-one. We have not let go of any of our relationships in the UK, the essence of being my fathers daughter for example will never ever change despite the miles that seperate us. The way we communitate with our loved ones changes ... but the core of our relationships (and i'm speaking for my OH and I), haven't changed, we've not 'let go' of the people we love nor the emotionally attachments we have to them. Moving to a new country doesn't mean that you have to cut off everything that is important to you, people in the UK can still provide you with a supportive emotional network. It boils down to how 'you' as an individual feel, and the decisions you make are based on how 'you feel'. Good luck to the OP on your return to the UK Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.