Why is it that I can't make friends...?

[mygirlies]

So I have recently moved to a new area. And although I didn't have any expectations with regards to making friends...(from past experiences). I didn't really expect to be so shut off again. Made a couple of 'friends'...acquaintances probably the better word, through buying and selling actually. And recently they have both given me the cold shoulder. First excuses and now no more contact has been had from either.

 

I bumped into one of them yesterday and barely a hello. I just don't understand. I didn't realise I was so unlikable. I never had this problem in the UK.

I haven't done anything untoward. I am friendly and caring. But maybe that is the problem.

I am reading all to often that its well known Aussie's abandon their friendship once they have got what they want out of it...once it has served them its purpose. But I haven't actually 'given' anything this time (I have learnt from past experiences as have be well and truly screwed)... and maybe thats the reason. I am not giving anything aside from me, friendship, time etc. And to them its pointless possibly?

Even my house mate has gone slightly off, no hello when she comes in, or a goodbye when she leaves (she is living in my house, I am renting out a room). I just think its polite to be friendly.

 

It shouldn't bother me really... I endured horrendous bullying where I was living previously but it does worry me. I am not planning to move back home any time soon. Although it does cross my mind considering my experience here. But is this what I am to expect for my stay here in Australia. Its a sad reality that I may face being completely on my own with no friends. I've even thought about seeking out only English expats as this seems to be the only safety net...but as of yet haven't found any here.

 

What are others experiences of this?

Am I missing the friendship memo?

Surely I can't be the only one?

 

Any advice? Thank you

[Quoll]

I always found Aussie friendships difficult - loads of acquaintances but few friends that I could call "friends" and even the best of those tended to be long term expats like myself. I really think they are so bound up in themselves that they don't even notice TBH. I once commented in a work group (it was a general discussion about friendships and kids) that I didn't feel I had any friends and they were all up in arms "we are your friends" they said - "thanks" I said, but fast forward to the day I was no longer part of that work group and how many "friends" did I have - zip, zero, none! I think of myself as quite a friendly person and I have made different friendships back here in UK but I don't want to live in anyone's pocket and that seems to work out.

 

I do think that friendships forged over times of developmental stress or critical issues are the strongest so I still have some Uni mates, some friends Ive worked with on disasters and some who have gone through retirement issues at the same time as I have. I don't think there is a magic recipe just be open to making connections but be content with your own self and company.

 

I hope you can connect with someone where you are!

[Jacaranda]

For one your housemate should not be causing any atmosphere's in your own home.If this continues I'd be asking them to leave.Ok the housemate is'nt obligated to be best mates with you,but there is nothing wrong with being polite,and once in a while having a cuppa with you.You sound like a nice person to me.Personally I think its harder these days to make friends. People are so caught up in their own lives,and with the internet,it seems to make people more insular. Are there any groups nearby you could think about joining?

[3FatCats]

I didn't make any friends in Aus in three years. I met and frequented other poms, and am in touch with a couple, but I never really fitted in. Same with work colleagues, in touch and we chat, but not the type of friendship I could open my heart to. I have pondered your same question many times over the years, I am a bit of a loner tbh and think my preference of time alone and space can put some people off. I am also picky, and I don't do that whole call for a chat thing or meet for coffee mornings....if I don't click with someone I'm not really interested in persuing a relationship for the sake of it, although in Aus I really had to because the alternative was to be completely alone.... Thinking of my handful of close friends, who all live abroad now so I sadly never see them, those relationships were formed during hard times, probably when I was quite vulnerable and maybe opened myself up more to sharing some of my more personal sides? With yourself, perhaps meeting other Mums who care for children with learning difficulties could give you a common point of contact? A shared concern can sometimes open conversation, you will be able to relate to each other's issues, look up some online support groups. As for those who shun you, don't dwell on it....not everyone is meant to be our friend, we just need to find those few precious ones who are. Lots of hugs xxxx

[mygirlies]

Thank you ladies..... makes me feel a little more normal.

 

Quoll... you are extremely precise when you mentioned your work group. That is exactly what its like. If they leave, or you do... there is no contact from them. And this doesn't just apply to work. I have found the same for toddler groups and the like. Its only ever brief and they may claim to be your friends. But my definition of friendship is clearly different.

I too agree with true friends often happen through hard times too. I find others superficial. Drinking buddies for example. I made some friends back in the town I was living but they only wanted to meet up (very occasionally) for drinks. I don't drink.

[mygirlies]

Thank you Melza, She isn't rude at all... just a little unfriendly. I have my child here so I do like to know if she is going to be home (so if there is any strange noises I know if it is her or not) I have high anxiety. And yes a quick hello and goodbye doesn't take much. She also brings her boyfriend round 4-5 nights out of 7. He seems nice but I didn't advertise for a couple to occupy the room. I sound rude here...I dont mean to be. But thats double the water usage etc. And coming in an out... Myself and my daughter are very quite, on our own and I do find it a bit strange.

I also don't know if she is in the house or out most of the time... So sometimes I think she's out when she's actually in her room as she has 'snuck' in whilst I was busy. Like just now for example. She wasn't in the house an hour ago... but I can now hear her talking on her phone in her room.

I'd like to know who is in my house at any given time....

 

I agree a cuppa every now and then would be nice!

 

I agree too that people are so caught up in there own thing... not much regard goes into friendships.

[mygirlies]

3FatCats... my ex's mum was here for 15 years and she's told me she hadnt made any friends. At the time I just couldnt understand it. Now 3 years into my journey I fully appreciate why and how and the reason she left for home that year. I like my own time too. But when it comes to friends I have all the time in the world for them if they need me. I buy thank you cards, flowers if they need cheering up, always tell them I am here if they need me. But it doesn't seem to make a difference. I make an effort with contact. But get ignored. I have looked at support groups but as Melza said everything is all internet. There are groups online. Even in my area but there are no meet ups. It is hard to meet people with neurotypical children as they often cant comprehend or understand my child. Which is awkward.

[Aunt Agatha]

Could you suggest a local meet up for some of those parents with non-neurotypical kids?

 

I think a lot of good friendships are dependent upon when we meet in life - my closest Aussie friends are women I met just as we were all about to get married and then we shared the ups and downs of getting pregnant, having children etc. so it brought us together. Funnily enough I met all bar one of my closest circle online! So real and lasting friendships can develop from online meetings, don't let it put you off.

 

I started a book group which was a nice way to build on friendships - some have dropped out and the rest of us remain a good bunch of friends. I'm also a member of a craft group and while they are acquaintances rather than friends (my doing really as in not a regular attendee) it's nice to chat to different people. You sound very nice and friendly and I'm sure you'll find your "people".

 

It it seems though that you really would be happier back in the UK - can I ask what is keeping you here?

[mygirlies]

Thanks Aunt Agatha... You sound like you have been able to accomplish the friendship issues. For me I wont be getting married any time soon. And wont be having any more children. They are great ways to meet others in similar situations. Even when I had my daughters... I was in a very controlling relationship with there dad so didnt have any friends. I have also moved around which doesn't help. My only real connection with people is my beliefs (non religious) but I live the freethinking, vegan lifestyle. And of course special needs parents. I may just put myself out there and see if people want to meet up in the online group.

Nothing is really keeping me here... but then I have nothing to go back to in the UK. I guess for me (although seemingly superficial) is the outdoor lifestyle, the weather and although this is not home it would be extremely scary starting all over again... again. Plus my daughter's father by law can stop us from leaving. Not that we have had any contact in 2 years.

[Aunt Agatha]

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting that you could make friends by getting married and having children, just that it might explain why people are already in their little friendship groups having shared that stuff together. If you can summon the courage I think putting yourself out there and organising a meetup with one of your online groups could be the way to go.

[3FatCats]

Thanks Aunt Agatha... You sound like you have been able to accomplish the friendship issues. For me I wont be getting married any time soon. And wont be having any more children. They are great ways to meet others in similar situations. Even when I had my daughters... I was in a very controlling relationship with there dad so didnt have any friends. I have also moved around which doesn't help. My only real connection with people is my beliefs (non religious) but I live the freethinking, vegan lifestyle. And of course special needs parents. I may just put myself out there and see if people want to meet up in the online group.

Nothing is really keeping me here... but then I have nothing to go back to in the UK. I guess for me (although seemingly superficial) is the outdoor lifestyle, the weather and although this is not home it would be extremely scary starting all over again... again. Plus my daughter's father by law can stop us from leaving. Not that we have had any contact in 2 years.

 

You sound so interesting! Not meaning to offend anyone, but your average run of the mill person won't "get you" if you know what I mean? It will take a like minded person with the curiosity and intelligence to be drawn to you and what you can offer that will become a friend....if I were closer I'd be round like a shot! Stay positive. Xxxxxx

[mygirlies]

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting that you could make friends by getting married and having children, just that it might explain why people are already in their little friendship groups having shared that stuff together. If you can summon the courage I think putting yourself out there and organising a meetup with one of your online groups could be the way to go.

 

Don't worry I knew what you meant... and I guess my answer was more self justification as to why I dont have those things

[mygirlies]

You sound so interesting! Not meaning to offend anyone, but your average run of the mill person won't "get you" if you know what I mean? It will take a like minded person with the curiosity and intelligence to be drawn to you and what you can offer that will become a friend....if I were closer I'd be round like a shot! Stay positive. Xxxxxx

 

Thank you!! I think you are right too. I am defiantly not your average run of the mill type. I am not really embracing the aussie lifestyle...No bbq, beer and fishing for me lol

I love volunteering, animal rights, ecology, Id live off grid if I could My current literature is 'Spontaneous evolution' and a Buddhism philosophy book. Just because I find them interesting. Not your celeb magazine type (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I suppose my conversations are directed towards political (anti), mythology, philosophy, and sometimes animal ethnical issues etc...those kinds of things, most don't care for it. I find being vegan is difficult at times too. I went to a charity event recently (was a fb event so didnt know anyone aside from talking with the organiser) and although the lady had said he was getting in some veggie sausages for the bbq (myself and my daughter were the only non meat eater attending)... when I got there the meat eaters had already eaten the veggie options... so my daughter bless her was left eating bread lol.

 

I have wondered if I am too alternative for the 'norm'. I don't fit in. I do have very passionate views about things. I definitely don't impose my thoughts...but do mention my points of view in conversation if there is a discussion. I think its healthy to share knowledge and gain perspective. I love hearing people's thoughts. But I think that may put people off. And then there is my wonderful child who very rarely acts like a normal kid and I can tell people find it a little awkward (she is also non verbal but will try have conversations with people... Im sure Id also feel a little embarrassed so I do understand)

 

I am sure there others out there with a similar mindset but they must be in a secret location. No wonder I am single haha

[Guest]

mygirlies, I have had similar problems throughout life - I'm just a little 'odd' LOL - I don't watch the same TV programmes, read the same books (my book of choice right now is the Geek Manifesto) or even want to do the same things as 'normal' people. I tend to find I get on better with men as they are often more interested in a good debate about current affairs rather than gossip which leaves me cold.

 

Whilst I was never Ms Popularity, wherever I lived in the UK, and we moved quite often, I always had friends but in Australia true friends eluded me - I understood it took time but 5 years?? I've been back 18 months now and as well as being welcomed back with open arms by the friends I'd had here (and known less than 5 years!) I've now got a couple of new friends I've met through my sons school. I'm off to London for a night with my OH this week and my son will be picked up from school, stay over night and taken to school the next day by one of my new friends - I never had friends I could rust to do that in Australia even though I met some nice people they would let you down in the blink of an eye.

 

I know it is hard for you being on your own with your daughter but I would seek to find people who are outside the mainstream like you are - is there a Buddhist centre or classes where you are? I found a lot of warmth and support by going to the Fremantle Buddhist Centre - I went to the general meditation classes and some of the Day Retreats, you don't need to be Buddhist, I definitely wasn't - there are different traditions in Buddhism and some may be heavier on the religion but I can totally recommend this one http://kadampa.org

 

I have also recently become involved in the Anti-Fracking Campaign in my area - I know my OH thinks I'm mad as I never had enough time to do the things (he thinks) I need to do but this is something for me, that isn't about being a wife or a mother or an employee.

 

Oh and I get the veggie thing too - I was on a course recently and there was one tiny plate of vegetarian food and loads of other food and I felt each day i had to fight to get enough to eat. It's great that people embrace veggie food but please leave enough for those who don't want to eat meat. My son was brought uo vegetarian but at 11 has now chose to eat meat - proud that he is making his own decisions, sad it's not the one I would have liked him to make

[3FatCats]

Thank you!! I think you are right too. I am defiantly not your average run of the mill type. I am not really embracing the aussie lifestyle...No bbq, beer and fishing for me lol

I love volunteering, animal rights, ecology, Id live off grid if I could My current literature is 'Spontaneous evolution' and a Buddhism philosophy book. Just because I find them interesting. Not your celeb magazine type (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I suppose my conversations are directed towards political (anti), mythology, philosophy, and sometimes animal ethnical issues etc...those kinds of things, most don't care for it. I find being vegan is difficult at times too. I went to a charity event recently (was a fb event so didnt know anyone aside from talking with the organiser) and although the lady had said he was getting in some veggie sausages for the bbq (myself and my daughter were the only non meat eater attending)... when I got there the meat eaters had already eaten the veggie options... so my daughter bless her was left eating bread lol.

 

I have wondered if I am too alternative for the 'norm'. I don't fit in. I do have very passionate views about things. I definitely don't impose my thoughts...but do mention my points of view in conversation if there is a discussion. I think its healthy to share knowledge and gain perspective. I love hearing people's thoughts. But I think that may put people off. And then there is my wonderful child who very rarely acts like a normal kid and I can tell people find it a little awkward (she is also non verbal but will try have conversations with people... Im sure Id also feel a little embarrassed so I do understand)

 

I am sure there others out there with a similar mindset but they must be in a secret location. No wonder I am single haha

 

You sound amazing actually! Is there a Sea Shepherd group near you? I would deffo be making contact to do some volunteering and meet like minded people, it is a circle that has made me feel very welcome xxx

[mygirlies]

Thank you Lady Raincorn, you sound a lot like me. Glad to hear of others

Your new friend sounds like how I remember friendships to be back home... And I can guarantee this is no real bother to the mum and not a big deal. Which is also what I remember.

Over here everything seems such a big deal. One of the friends had offered to help me learn to drive (I have my own car)... she had made all these 'promises'. Of course I was extremely grateful for her time. Well it never happened. I am not expecting things from people but she's offered to take me out for an hour hear and there... I have been doing my proper lessons and my daughter has had to come with me in my lessons :-/ Anyway... enough complaining. Fingers crossed I pass next week!!

 

Also I am not Buddhist... I do find it very interesting and I have heard they well people into their sanctuaries. I have read they also have craft mornings for children. So that may be a good idea! There is one here where we are currently...but I only here temperately... we are moving for the final time later next year. Hopefully going to settle. Thank you for the link will have a look.

 

My daughter has already mentioned eating meat... I think its just curiosity. And its the norm, she see's it all the time...but I don't think she understands. I have explained why we dont eat meat. I have agreed that when she is 10, if she is still interested she can try some. But fingers crossed she doesn't. We do eat veggie sausages etc so I think she is a little confused...being that she is behind her age group anyway... but its not effecting her. She will understand in time.

 

Thanks again!

[mygirlies]

3FatCats.... There isn't I am a HUGE Sea Shepherd fan! We have been on the ships, meet the crew and I have personally meet Captain Paul Watson. Myself and my daughter can often be seen rocking our SS t-shirts out and about. She loves them too As mentioned above to Lady R, I am only here in this town temperately. We make our final move end of next year. I am already in contact with the Sea Shepherd onshore crew there and plan to join their volunteering team. I know there is is a bigger vegan circle up there too. So I am looking onward to making our final journey here in Aus! Maybe I will just sit tight and wait till I move... a year with no real adult conversation isn't going to be easy though...