Telling the parents

[excitedbutterrified]

Im sure this is a common theme but we have now told both sets of our parents that we have job offers in oz and are planning to accept them and move for 1 or 2 years to see how things go, then come back to the uk, or stay if its awesome.

 

My folks are being mostly good about it, dad seems almost excited and is researching the places we are going to and very interested,already planning a visit. mum is a little sad but said she has been expecting it for a while and wouldnt want to stand in our way, not entirely pleased, but not anti either.

 

OH's parents a different kettle of fish. Dad (usually very placid) wrote a big email about how we will be giving up financial security / taking large risks by moving, (all probably correct - we are risk takers!) but has since been quite calm about it. Mum has gone mental, swinging from extreme sadness to rage to not speaking to us at all. Mainly saying she thinks we are totally selfish taking her grandkids away from her (she may have a point?) she doesnt know what she will do with all her time if she cant see them (she looks after them for a couple of days each fortnight). She also thinks we are lying when we say the plan is to just try it for a year, thinks we are not coming back.

 

Not trying to belittle her obvious grief and genuine emotion, but we need her to move on from this, wife is preggers and doesn't need this stress. We have been laying the ground work for a couple of years (dropping hints, visiting oz, telling her we were looking for jobs...) so it isn't a big surprise for her.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this? At the moment her reaction is driving us away from her, which is the last thing we want.

[Alaska]

I think it is important to recognise the grief and let them vent their feelings a bit.

It is really hard though as my sister, in particular (who doesn't even live in the UK herself) said some almost unforgiveable things when we broke the news.

 

My parents took it hard but they have slowly accepted it and have been to visit several times already. Is this an option for them - to give them something to look forward to?

 

It's a massive thing for everyone involved and you might find yourself (and wife) find things quite difficult yourself occasionally after you move - there is little time to take it all in initially. I LOVE Australia but have had some hard moments when things happen to people you love back home, and at some point you might understand a little of how they feel.

 

I don't think there is much chance of anyone "moving on" for a while and it is a case of riding it out and trying to find options for them to spend time with you and the grandchildren - before and after you go.

 

The reality of you going is a massive thing and I probably didn't appreciate that as much as I could in the rush of the move and because of their lack of support at such an important time in our lives.

[tina0101]

You need to be selfish and think of you. We were in a similar situation - OH parents were marvelous and, although sad, were really excited (his mum texts him every day with how many sleeps we've got til we go!). She's starting to have the odd 'wobble' of sadness, which is hard, but overall they have been nothing but supportive of us.

My parents have been slightly different. My dad has been enthusiastic and I have spoken to him lots about it. It's now 7 weeks until we go and I still haven't had a proper chat with my mum. She said some horrid things when we told them we were moving - that she wouldn't come and visit, that we were ruining our son's education etc. Over the last few months, we have attempted to speak to her about it - the first time she left the room upset and disappeared upstairs, so we went home. The next time, she looked at some of the schools/areas we have been looking at but still cried. My dad has been drip feeding her information, so she knows where we are at, but I do not feel that we have had any support.

 

It's not that we are going, it's because we are taking the only grandchild away. We lived with them for a long time after he was born, so they have a slightly different bond to most grandparents. I can see her grief and understand it, but we can't stay just to keep her happy. I'm dreading having to say goodbye to everyone, but probably her the most as I'm not sure how it will go.

 

But I will only resent her if we do not go. I'm fully aware that the move may or may not work out, but I want the opportunity to find out myself and not put it on hold - there is always going to be a reason to not move, but you have to put your family unit first.

 

Good luck - I know how hard it is and what you are going through.

x

[excitedbutterrified]

We are being pretty hard about it with her, saying it like it is, i.e. we are definitely going, we will miss them, we will come home for a visit, we are both scared about going and we wont be changing our minds no matter what she says. Maybe this is the wrong approach, but I'm all up for being completely honest about everything, and not sugar coating it.

 

As i said, we have planned this in detail for the past few months, and fantasised about moving for several years. All out in the open without hiding it from her. It seems like the reality of it has suddenly hit home. Perversely, I actually think she may end up spending more time with our little-uns if we do move than now, she is retired, pretty well off and well travelled so could spend an extended holiday with us / live with us for part of the year, we will also spend a few weeks in the UK mid-trip

 

My OH is also going to be spending a lot of time with her over the next 6 months on the Mat leave. (which may make the moment of separation even worse!!)

 

Maybe she is acting completely irrationally, but i cant see what she is hoping to gain from being so hostile. She isn't going to change our minds (and actually her reaction has steeled our resolve to make the move) it is only going to ruin the time we do have with her before the move.

 

We definitely aren't going to put off the trip for her. I would never forgive her if she managed to stop us going. - just realised how harsh that sounds but its true.

[tina0101]

Everything you are saying rings so true with me. It's been, and still is, very hard and our relationship has definitely suffered. But my husband and son come first. When I posted on here back in September about the negative response she had given lots of people said that to be successful in moving, you must be selfish. I now realise just how true that is.

 

Make sure you guys stay focused on your future and don't let anyone bring you down.

[Rachel Tilley]

You need to allow her this reaction. I suspect it is her way of grieving and she's not quite sure how to handle it, we all react in different ways to sad news - and it is a loss to her.

 

I felt dreadful telling my mum that I was moving. She had recently been widowed and I was now taking her only grandchild away - the only thing that had helped her get over my dad's death. The atmosphere was awful for a while and I did very feel selfish and mean. Once we did move the effect was like a second bereavement for her.

 

However, looking back, the waiting for us to leave once we'd told her was what was killing her inside. She was living on borrowed time with us and cherishing every moment whilst also dreading it because she knew time was running out with us. She did accept we were going eventually and we made plans before we left for her to come and stay. Having that flight booked and definite dates of when she could see us again helped with the acceptance.

 

She didn't come to the airport to see us off and we said goodbye at home. Driving off and seeing her standing on the drive waving us away brings tears to my eyes as I type this - it was a very sad moment.

 

Once we'd gone she started to cope a little bit better - like many things we often wonder how we will cope when faced with major life changes and think we never will, but life does go on and she had no choice but to cope. It wasn't easy for her I know, and I still feel sad that she had to experience those feelings and that loss, but at the time I put my partner and my son first too.

[Quoll]

Itll be easier for you than it will be for them - out of sight is out of mind for you but they will be reminded by all their friends who can proudly wheel the grandkids around and go to grandparents day at school blah blah. Dont let anyone tell you that grandparenting via Skype is just as good - it isnt, you cant cuddle via skype and even reading books requires some maturity at the other end. However, successful migrants have to be selfish and self sufficient and if you let it get to you then you will struggle. Perhaps you need to either write her a letter or somehow explain that if she continues to carry on like a pork chop then you will have to withdraw from her because her response is causing you stress which you absolutely dont need and you really dont want to do that.

 

Personally Ive not been guilted by my mob and I have not guilted my kids for their decisions but I do know that being a grandparent on the other side of the world sucks bigtime and, for me, the survival strategy is the one I used in the first place - out of sight and out of mind, I dont continually pick at the scab via Skype (maybe once a month if we are lucky). The only guilting I have had is from the daughter in law but she cant be bothered to get the kids to the computer to Skype even if we do do it so I am totally not enmeshed and plan on staying that way. Doesnt mean I love them any the less but it is the way I cope. Your MIL is doing her grieving in advance and it isnt pleasant, no, but its what she needs to do to grieve - if you have a return date for a visit planned then that may help ease her anxiety. Dont expect them to come to you for visits either, as the leaver it behoves you to do the visiting.

[Gbye grey sky]

Dont expect them to come to you for visits either, as the leaver it behoves you to do the visiting.

 

I agree should not be expected but important to have an open invite. After all it is far easier often for a retired couple who may be comfortably off to make an extended trip than for a young family often with one or both parents working. Even if they have less money it is cheaper to fund their visit. I know that we are having our first 2 week holiday in years next month for our recce to Oz and I imagine just as hard for many in reverse. And 2 weeks is short for such a long trip.

[excitedbutterrified]

Well it looks like she has calmed down for the time being. After spending 48 hours on a trip away with the OH, they talked it all through and made plans for an extended visit once we are settled down in oz.

 

By no means is she pleased with the situation, but (for now) the wild emotion and guilting has subsided, and last night we all talked about some of the practicalities of the move, and what the process involves from now.

 

I keep getting told off by my OH because when her mum asks me about some aspect of oz (the job, location etc...) i'm too enthusiastic and obviously excited. I'm going to have to work on not mentioning it when she is around and being more sensitive - not easy.

 

Offering to pay for at least some of their trip sounds like a good idea. We will be spending ~$1000 per week on childcare, and the flights look to be about £900 each, about $3300 for the two of them so if we can convince them take the kids for a couple of weeks it might work out for everyone.