arrumac Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Hi there, here is our story so far - looking for any advice or similar situation! Moved to Melbourne 9 months ago me, my other half and our two kids 5 and 3 and we ve had one disaster after another. Husband got a job quite quickly which was lucky albeit he has a two hour commute each way (4 hrs in total) and found a rental that was OK mad would do for now. The house turned out to be a house of horrors literally one thing wrong after another - had no tv or cooker for nearly a month due to delays in agent getting it fixed, and it was absolutely freezing all winter and the utility bills were astronomical due to old efficient boiler and gas fires. A month after we arrived my only surviving grandparent died which I didn't go home for as couldn't afford it and kind of expected this situation would arise, and that we would miss out on such things although it was hard. Around the same time we had a letter from the CSA in Australia (husbands two other kids moved SA two years ago) and based on incorrect tax returns filed by his ex we were ordered to start paying $1600 a month in payments, absolute total shock and no where near could afford this - but we were told tough and sent begging letters to his ex and CSA stating our situation but to know avail. this completely cleared us out of everything and even had to lend money from other halfs sister in UK as couldn't find our rent money one month. My husband filed a tax return in October which has brought the payments down but his ex has put in for a re assessment so the payments will shoot back up in no time (going to be high payments as he can't see them regularly as they live SA and we have sponsorship for VIC only) i cannot get a job for love nor money have tried absolutely everything from cafe jobs to temporary shop work (was a customer service manager in UK) have had a handful of interviews but the ones that bother getting back to me say they had 50 applicants for the position and others were more suitable. The financial strain on living on one wage is massive - and due to this my nearly 4 yr old can't go to any form of structured childcare as we can't afford it. He was going to kinder for 2 hrs a week which was $15 but they now can't stay on their own and parents have to stay which is pointless. He is really struggling at home and we have been to every park and mothers group going but they are all far too young for him, his behaviour is getting worse which I genuinely believe is down to not being stimulated and having some formal routine out of the house - he has also got ridiculously clingy. Then the new year came and with this I tried to shrug off all of the hardwork 2013 brought and look forward to 2014 - the hard part was over so now to give emigrating our best shot and plug away at finding a new job - then on 19th January our beautiful 16 yr old niece contracted meningitis and died. My youngest sisters only child - to say we are devastated is an understatement - we flew home immediately and spent a month comforting my absolutely distraught sister. Aside from the trauma at home - we absolutely loved being at home and felt instantly comfortable and an incredible sense of belonging - the weather was shocking! So now I am adamant I want to go home ( we were originally going to wait for a year before making a decision to stay another year or go home) I have felt so unbelievably low the past 6 months but was told by other ex pats they went through the same thing. My old job said they would welcome me back with open arms and we rented our house out so no worries there. I love where we live now and my little ones school but these reasons alone aren't enough to stay, I want to be at home helping my sister and amongst my family and friends but am trying to be rational and not give up too early but honestly don't know how much I can take. I'm not a whinger usually but feel like I've aged 10 yrs since being here and just not me anymore. People see to say you absolutely have to give it 2 years before going home and I am so worried about having any regrets on leaving Aus. Originally wanted to stay at least 4 yrs to get citizenship for kids mainly - any help or advice is appreciated! Alice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss, your family must be in bits. I do think 9 months isn't long enough to get a true picture of life in Oz as you still need time to make good friends and find work etc. but sometimes major events like a death in the family shine a spotlight on our feelings and make everything clearer. BUT, what about your OH's children in SA? I'm guessing they would rarely see their Dad if you moved back. How does he feel about that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulRaynor Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 My goodness, and I thought my life was bad. Go home arrumac to where you belong. I know I am. So sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss, your family must be in bits. I do think 9 months isn't long enough to get a true picture of life in Oz as you still need time to make good friends and find work etc. but sometimes major events like a death in the family shine a spotlight on our feelings and make everything clearer. BUT, what about your OH's children in SA? I'm guessing they would rarely see their Dad if you moved back. How does he feel about that? Hi, Thanks for the reply, my OH is quite philosophical about not seeing them. We ve seen the children once since we ve been here and his Mum was over from the UK and had to pay for their flights - was $800 to fly them over for a week as they live in rural SA so needed to get two flights. His eldest is 18 and off to uni so unlikely to see much of her regardless. We re obviously a lot nearer than being in the UK but sad as it is it's not regular enough to make us want to stay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarahelle Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm so sorry to hear about your niece, that's truly awful, and that you're having such a hard time. There's no rule that says you have to give it two years and in light of your circumstances, I think it's understandable that you would want to go home - I've heard of people going home after 3 months and there's no shame in it. Speaking from experience, it's difficult to live on one income at the best of times without having to pay such a huge amount to the CSA every month. What are your husband's thoughts on returning? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm so sorry to hear about your niece, that's truly awful, and that you're having such a hard time. There's no rule that says you have to give it two years and in light of your circumstances, I think it's understandable that you would want to go home - I've heard of people going home after 3 months and there's no shame in it. Speaking from experience, it's difficult to live on one income at the best of times without having to pay such a huge amount to the CSA every month.What are your husband's thoughts on returning? x thanks for your reply sarahelle, OH is happier than me here but not happy if that makes sense, he loves his new job and his manager has been really good to him. BUT he feels we should go home to support our family after our nieces death and has said this is reason alone to return. So add in all the other factors against us he is 100% wanting to go home too - I can't help but think though it's because of me and seeing me so miserable that he doesn't want to say - but I know he can't be completely happy as our lives in UK were much better than we have here. He hates his commute and moving nearer the city where he works isn't an option so he's pretty fed up too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 In this life I would say - people first then stuff/location. If you have people who are important to you and you need to be with them for your and their mental health and well being then go! It sounds like you have a nice safety buffer there of job and home - pragmatically that sounds a whole lot better than what you've got at the moment. Good luck with your decision! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Flippin eck, you've been through the ringer! Shocking, shocking set of circumstances. If I were you I would not hesitate in going home and trying to make life better again, surrounded by people who you can rely on. Good luck and lots of hugs x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynne78 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 So sorry for your loss, you really have had a hard time of it. I'd say go home. Things might get better if you stay, but equally you could spend the next two years being miserable before you move back. We've been in Perth for just over 3 years and have decided to move back - giving it up to 18 months to save some money (we have no pressing family issues or would go sooner). We have made virtually no friends so have pretty much no social life and my husband (an electrician) has spent most of the time unemployed (similar to you, hundreds of applications but no luck, or else a casual job that ends when work dries up). He started his own business at the end of last year but it's slow going. Fortunately I am pretty well paid so no financial struggle, but one income does not allow for much saving toward a house. Our time here has been very stressful, with both of us being pretty depressed at times. I've spent the last 18 months telling myself it'll get better when he gets a permanent full-time job, but enough is enough. I wish we'd made the decision to move back a year ago. Don't dwell on how long you said you'd give it before thinking about moving back. If you felt more at home in the UK and you believe your family will be happier back there then go for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickinqld Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Hi Alice, My heart goes out to you with all that's you've described. I'm always very wary about giving life-changing advice to people whos own situation you done really know, but in your case, if you did the old, tried and tested test of writing pros and cons on each side of a piece of paper - I think youd have a pretty one sided piece of paper. Some things can be fixed after a while - others, the longer they are left broken, the more it is to fix them, if attall. I think some of the aspects you describe need that immediate attention back in the UK. I'm been back in the UK now on a trial return for 2 months so can appreciate how much personal life type things are easier here than on the other side of the world. My own on-going story is for another day. All the very, very best my dear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Hi, Thanks for the reply, my OH is quite philosophical about not seeing them. We ve seen the children once since we ve been here and his Mum was over from the UK and had to pay for their flights - was $800 to fly them over for a week as they live in rural SA so needed to get two flights. His eldest is 18 and off to uni so unlikely to see much of her regardless. We re obviously a lot nearer than being in the UK but sad as it is it's not regular enough to make us want to stay [/] At 18 and close to it they'll hopefully be able to come and visit you in the UK in the near future. Maybe you could buy them a flight when you're in a better financial position. Best of luck with the move, I agree that people are what matter and it sounds like your sister really needs you. There is absolutely NO shame in changing your plans because circumstances and/or feelings change, being flexible is a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Oh my, and I thought we'd been dealt a tough hand in Australia. After a 'honeymoon' 9 months we went through a series of difficulties and we battled on and battled on - 'Australia' wasn't the problem and when we had migrated it was with the attitude it was a one way trip and we would make it work 'come what may' - it was actually when the roller coaster stopped and things were looking up that we realised we'd achieved nothing by moving and were in a position to move home - like you we had a house rented out so we did. I would be a bit wary of returning whilst you're still on the roller coaster just because you may look back in 12 months and wonder if it could have worked out differently and have to live with 'what if's?' What did you hope for from Australia? Do you think that has been (or can be) achieved? If the answer is an emphatic 'yes' then perhaps give it another 12 months. Or return for 12 months, if your sister needs you NOW, with a view to returning later down the line - I would try not to make any 'forever' decisions right now whilst you are still in the throes of grief. My heart goes out to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 In this life I would say - people first then stuff/location. If you have people who are important to you and you need to be with them for your and their mental health and well being then go! It sounds like you have a nice safety buffer there of job and home - pragmatically that sounds a whole lot better than what you've got at the moment. Good luck with your decision! Thanks for your reply QUOLL - totally agree with what you're saying I guess because we are so desperate to make a go of it we need some sort of reassurance that's it's ok to go home. Have found our friends here a bit unsupportive as I suppose they selfishly want us to stay and have all said we need to give it more time - BUT not one of them has had the problems we have faced and on the contrary Australia has been good to them. We expected it to be hard but not quite like this. Thanks again for your reply x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Oh my, and I thought we'd been dealt a tough hand in Australia. After a 'honeymoon' 9 months we went through a series of difficulties and we battled on and battled on - 'Australia' wasn't the problem and when we had migrated it was with the attitude it was a one way trip and we would make it work 'come what may' - it was actually when the roller coaster stopped and things were looking up that we realised we'd achieved nothing by moving and were in a position to move home - like you we had a house rented out so we did. I would be a bit wary of returning whilst you're still on the roller coaster just because you may look back in 12 months and wonder if it could have worked out differently and have to live with 'what if's?' What did you hope for from Australia? Do you think that has been (or can be) achieved? If the answer is an emphatic 'yes' then perhaps give it another 12 months. Or return for 12 months, if your sister needs you NOW, with a view to returning later down the line - I would try not to make any 'forever' decisions right now whilst you are still in the throes of grief. My heart goes out to you and your family. Thanks Lady Rainicorn that is sound advice - you ve made me look at how I really feel at the moment and after my niece died I suppose I have just given up. The turn of the new year I was no where near "happy" but looked at what a good opportunity it was and throw myself into finding work and just get on with it. I totally agree with what you're saying about making decisions when you are in the throws of grief but I suppose I was desperately unhappy before my niece passed and this I feel is the final straw and in a weird way one of my beautiful nieces many parting gifts was to give me a final reason to go. I do not want to feel any regret and it's so hard to know what decision to make for the best. I guess we will just have to see what pans out over the next few months xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Flippin eck, you've been through the ringer! Shocking, shocking set of circumstances. If I were you I would not hesitate in going home and trying to make life better again, surrounded by people who you can rely on. Good luck and lots of hugs x Thank you for your lovely and supportive message - it does help so much! X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Hi Alice, My heart goes out to you with all that's you've described. I'm always very wary about giving life-changing advice to people whos own situation you done really know, but in your case, if you did the old, tried and tested test of writing pros and cons on each side of a piece of paper - I think youd have a pretty one sided piece of paper. Some things can be fixed after a while - others, the longer they are left broken, the more it is to fix them, if attall. I think some of the aspects you describe need that immediate attention back in the UK. I'm been back in the UK now on a trial return for 2 months so can appreciate how much personal life type things are easier here than on the other side of the world. My own on-going story is for another day. All the very, very best my dear. Thank you mikinqld my OH and I funnily enough did a list of pros and cons back in October! And you are right it was very one sided! Our obvious concern is "giving up" to early and regretting it but I also think Australia may be the right place but the wrong time. I hate having to make such life changing major decisions! But do feel like someone is trying to tell us something - I'm just very sad it hasn't worked out but the positives are it's made me appreciate what I have in the UK so much more. Thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKW Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Big hugs to you Alice, so sorry to hear of your loss, terribly shocking when it is so sudden and someone so young. It sounds to me like you have an idea of what is the right thing for you and your family at this time, if that means going home then do what you need to do. You don't need to answer to anyone else, it doesn't matter if other people think you've "given up" too soon. They are not the one's walking in your shoes. If you feel Aus might be the right place but not the right time, then maybe you can come back one day. There is no rule to say that wherever you move to has to be forever. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is trust in ourselves and our feelings because the decisions seem so huge, would it help just to focus on what is most important to you now and where you need/want to be and go from there? I really hope you can find a solution that works for you. Where are you in Melbourne? I am also in Melbourne, so if you need a friendly ear drop me a line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Big hugs to you Alice, so sorry to hear of your loss, terribly shocking when it is so sudden and someone so young. It sounds to me like you have an idea of what is the right thing for you and your family at this time, if that means going home then do what you need to do. You don't need to answer to anyone else, it doesn't matter if other people think you've "given up" too soon. They are not the one's walking in your shoes. If you feel Aus might be the right place but not the right time, then maybe you can come back one day. There is no rule to say that wherever you move to has to be forever. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is trust in ourselves and our feelings because the decisions seem so huge, would it help just to focus on what is most important to you now and where you need/want to be and go from there? I really hope you can find a solution that works for you. Where are you in Melbourne? I am also in Melbourne, so if you need a friendly ear drop me a line. thanks so much SKW. I guess I get wrapped up in what people think or people passing judgment but you are right it doesn't matter and you never know how you are going to feel unless you are in this situation. Which I hope to god no one ever is! We have decided to make plans to go home so will see what happens over the next few weeks and coming months. I'm down on the mornington peninsula - what about you? Thanks so much for your reply x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 The ones that mind don't matter and the ones that matter don't mind. It is okay to move back, it really is. Good luck with making it happen over the next few months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrumac Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 Small update. Spoke to my old manager last week just asking career advice and his thoughts on applying for jobs from Aus. He said should be no issues and that he didn't have anything except some spare project money (as you do), he said he'd speak to finance to see what could be done, long story short he called me the next morning saying he had the OK for a 6 month contract for me. I got the formal offer email last night and I accepted. So happy . Told my current manger today, he fully understood, but much to my surprise the CIO pulled me into her office and asked if I'd consider a 6 month sabbatical with the option of a further 6 months. Which is nice. We have no idea what is around the corner so happy to accept that if we want to return. desperate to book flights but still waiting for a passport for our 5 year old. anyone any thoughts in breaking a lease 10 1/2 months in, am assuming not much they can do in terms of charging for advertising etc as contract is nearly over and we'd be leaving anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Sounds like a good belt and braces approach there! Can't help with the lease break unfortunately but hopefully it will be relatively pain free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 If you leave before your lease is up they can charge for marketing and "inconvenience" costs (we were quoted one week's rent plus a $130 admin fee) plus you'll have to pay rent until they let the property again. It might be better to either to give notice that you won't be renewing at the end of 12 months (and leave the lease to run its course) or try and come to an agreement with the agent/owners. Unfortunately, because they have your deposit they can make you pay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKW Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 thanks so much SKW. I guess I get wrapped up in what people think or people passing judgment but you are right it doesn't matter and you never know how you are going to feel unless you are in this situation. Which I hope to god no one ever is! We have decided to make plans to go home so will see what happens over the next few weeks and coming months. I'm down on the mornington peninsula - what about you? Thanks so much for your reply x Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Unfortunately I'm not near you, I live in the Western suburbs but happy to meet up half way. Or let me know if you want a night out, there is a group of ex-pat ladies I go out to dinner with occasionally, you'd be more than welcome to join us x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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