Family from two continents

[Guest]

A thread on another forum got me thinking.

 

Those Brits (or from wherever else) among us married to an Aussie (or Aussie's married to a Brit/from elsewhere overseas) some families emigrating, moving to Australia (or elsewhere) face a dilemma of families on different continents.

 

We are one of those. My husband is an Aussie and we will be returning so our son can get to know his Australian family better and also as hubby and I both feel its the better place for us to bring our son up during his school years. Not based solely on education but also on family life, sporting/outdoor opportunities and so much more.

 

Here in the UK, while I have some family we are all scattered about and we only see my parents (mother and stepfather) on a regular basis about once or twice a month. The others its a couple of times a year or less. I have no contact with my father whatsoever for over a decade now and he is living overseas last I heard. In Aus my hubby has a large family and people all living in or around the city and some down the coast about 5 hours drive away. We'd see them far more often and it will also give our son a chance to build bonds with them and to know and experience growing up in Australia. Hubby's family are pretty close, all get on and there are lots cousins close to his age also. Here my (half) sister has a son who is 7 years older than my son and who we only see a few times a year. Other than that, we have no younger family members.

 

I don't feel great about moving away from my parents and taking their grandson away (as its often phrased, sounds terrible doesn't it). But I also don't want the family in Aus to be stranger to my son as he gets older nor for the country to be one he has no affinity for having not experienced it properly. I know how both sides of the coin work having grown up myself with family from two countries. For our family the more normal family life in Australia is a big pull and one I don't want to deny my son. Once my parents are gone there would be no one left here really. I feel my son needs to know his family as he grows up and he has already built up a good bond with my parents here, in a year or so it will be time for us to do the same in Aus. My parents here in the UK plan to visit as often as they can and to keep in regular contact with Skype, email and so on. Thankfully my parents are being wonderfully supportive of our decision. They always knew it was on the cards the day I married an Aussie they said :cute:

 

Where our son chooses to live once he is older will be up to him. We hope to make trips back to the UK every few years to enable him to be familiar with things here still and also so we can see family. We hope some of them at least will also come to Aus to visit. We hope to have more children also and while they won't have had those early years in the UK they will visit as often as we can manage it while they are growing up.

 

It won't be easy, we know this. Its already been hard knowing there is family in Aus that are missing hubby and wanting to know their grandson (most of them met him for the first time last year when we visited) better. And for the family we will be leaving behind we feel sad about also. Whichever way we go someone is hurting. But hubby and I are prepared for this. We talked about it before we married, afterwards and before we decided to have children and have kept the conversation going over the years. We knew one day we might decide to move to Aus (or elsewhere) and that we would have to be supportive of each other, do what is right for us. Otherwise we'll be living our lives to keep others happy and we won't please everyone, there is just no way we can do that. It was me who initiated this move to Aus, not hubby. He would have been happy to stay here for a few years longer but that is mainly for work reasons as he loves his job. For the rest of it he agrees with me, our quality of life in terms of our family would be better in Aus. And he is happy to make the move and so we are working toward it. We have also said that we won't rule out a move back to the UK if and when we feel it is the right thing for us as a family.

 

We embrace being a family from two countries and are doing what we feel is right for us. Luckily both of us, hubby and myself are happy in both countries and are both looking forward to our Aus move next year.

 

Er yeah, ramble over :yes:

[Conniebygaslight]

A thread on another forum got me thinking.

 

Those Brits (or from wherever else) among us married to an Aussie (or Aussie's married to a Brit/from elsewhere overseas) some families emigrating, moving to Australia (or elsewhere) face a dilemma of families on different continents.

 

We are one of those. My husband is an Aussie and we will be returning so our son can get to know his Australian family better and also as hubby and I both feel its the better place for us to bring our son up during his school years. Not based solely on education but also on family life, sporting/outdoor opportunities and so much more.

 

Here in the UK, while I have some family we are all scattered about and we only see my parents (mother and stepfather) on a regular basis about once or twice a month. The others its a couple of times a year or less. I have no contact with my father whatsoever for over a decade now and he is living overseas last I heard. In Aus my hubby has a large family and people all living in or around the city and some down the coast about 5 hours drive away. We'd see them far more often and it will also give our son a chance to build bonds with them and to know and experience growing up in Australia. Hubby's family are pretty close, all get on and there are lots cousins close to his age also. Here my (half) sister has a son who is 7 years older than my son and who we only see a few times a year. Other than that, we have no younger family members.

 

I don't feel great about moving away from my parents and taking their grandson away (as its often phrased, sounds terrible doesn't it). But I also don't want the family in Aus to be stranger to my son as he gets older nor for the country to be one he has no affinity for having not experienced it properly. I know how both sides of the coin work having grown up myself with family from two countries. For our family the more normal family life in Australia is a big pull and one I don't want to deny my son. Once my parents are gone there would be no one left here really. I feel my son needs to know his family as he grows up and he has already built up a good bond with my parents here, in a year or so it will be time for us to do the same in Aus. My parents here in the UK plan to visit as often as they can and to keep in regular contact with Skype, email and so on. Thankfully my parents are being wonderfully supportive of our decision. They always knew it was on the cards the day I married an Aussie they said :cute:

 

Where our son chooses to live once he is older will be up to him. We hope to make trips back to the UK every few years to enable him to be familiar with things here still and also so we can see family. We hope some of them at least will also come to Aus to visit. We hope to have more children also and while they won't have had those early years in the UK they will visit as often as we can manage it while they are growing up.

 

It won't be easy, we know this. Its already been hard knowing there is family in Aus that are missing hubby and wanting to know their grandson (most of them met him for the first time last year when we visited) better. And for the family we will be leaving behind we feel sad about also. Whichever way we go someone is hurting. But hubby and I are prepared for this. We talked about it before we married, afterwards and before we decided to have children and have kept the conversation going over the years. We knew one day we might decide to move to Aus (or elsewhere) and that we would have to be supportive of each other, do what is right for us. Otherwise we'll be living our lives to keep others happy and we won't please everyone, there is just no way we can do that. It was me who initiated this move to Aus, not hubby. He would have been happy to stay here for a few years longer but that is mainly for work reasons as he loves his job. For the rest of it he agrees with me, our quality of life in terms of our family would be better in Aus. And he is happy to make the move and so we are working toward it. We have also said that we won't rule out a move back to the UK if and when we feel it is the right thing for us as a family.

 

We embrace being a family from two countries and are doing what we feel is right for us. Luckily both of us, hubby and myself are happy in both countries and are both looking forward to our Aus move next year.

 

Er yeah, ramble over :yes:

 

 

Hi Snifter, hope it all goes well with you..please make sure though that you also WANT to live in Australia for other reasons than family (I know that family is very important). We were given this advice and didn't understand as the pull to be near family was huge...in the end no amount of love and support from the family in Australia made us want to live there. This is our story and I'm sure yours will be different good luck to you and yours x

[Quoll]

Another mixed marriage here too.

 

Dont underestimate the resentment factor - I reckon inlaws should be at least 4 hours away (which ever side of the world) because it is so easy for the resentment to set in if you arent feeling on top of the world and you see "his" lot getting to see and be with your kids and your family have to rely on Skype and miss all the nice little things that grandkids do. Also, when he knows everything about the place and you have no idea where to go to get good bananas and no one tells you, when he has all his friends around him and you have none of your own. Dont underestimate the isolation, no matter how fabulous the inlaws are. I reckon you are better to be your own little family against the world in a new place - dont let the power in the relationship become skewed (I have had correspondence with too many women who find this is a real issue once they get here)

 

Also be wary that you come and bring the kids but if it all goes pear shaped, you are unlikely to be given permission to leave with the kids - Aus is much harder than UK in this regard.

 

You may be lucky and your parents may do what mine did - 6 months here and 6 months there for 15 years when they retired. That worked for them and they said the last time I saw them, that they were happy that they got to see the boys growing up - they have one in UK now who based himself with them originally but doesnt get much of a chance to see them these days as he is so busy and about to get married.

 

There's nothing magically better about Aus, it's just another first world country with the same first world problems as UK. OTOH a kid growing up here wouldnt be disadvantaged in the world once they have their degree or training.

 

At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and follow the best opportunities life offers you.

[Guest]

Quoll - I am aware of some of the things you mention. It is good to read such varying viewpoints though. Your way of looking at things is very different from mine. It could be said hindsight and all that but I/we don't have that and so have to do what we feel is right at this point in time.

 

There is no power tussle between my husband and I, never has been. We've both made sacrifices during our time together. We both accept that at certain points in our relationship, our marriage, something the other one does may well need to take priority and result in something as life changing as a move to a new area. Each time we've discussed it and have worked hard together to ensure we do the right thing for all of us.

 

Each move here has taken us further from friends and my family. I can live with this fine as can hubby but admit on occasion it is hard not having anyone nearby who I am close to be it family or friends. Its not like I'd be living in their pockets if we were closer, we never did that, but just knowing there is someone you can share your thoughts with goes a long way. But we get through it. We are very much equal in terms of our partnership and its give and take on both sides.

 

However, neither of us feel this is where our long term future is. I have no massive attachment to the UK. I love the south west but its not the be all and end all for me. I don't *need* to be here. I spent most of my 20's living overseas and was just as at home elsewhere as here and homesickness wasn't an issue. We have no pressing desire to live elsewhere in the UK so moving again here isn't really an option we will consider. Moving back to our old home area isn't on the cards as the salaries no way match the cost of living. I am sorry for that but its the way it is. And as its not just us two any longer, we have a young child, we need to consider so much more now.

 

I also tire of the us against the world sort of thing. I've experienced it here, setting up a new home in a new town with a young child. Months of never having a bit of time to myself, no social life as trying to find a babysitter was nigh on impossible, just going through the days without any real friendships or anyone to talk to. I felt more isolated living in an active busy town than I did living rural on the edge of Exmoor.

 

Luckily I get on great with my hubby's family. I consider some of them good friends also. Its not just 'his lot' or the in laws for me. Perhaps it is the age gap between hubby and myself (I'm 11 years older) that I am also not an entire generation apart from them either. I sit in the middle and it works really well. Hubby doesn't feel the need to live in their pockets and that certainly isn't the plan for us, but we do hope to let our son experience the joys of having family around. Growing up in a household where my parents came from two different countries I know how hard it can be to get to know those living elsewhere. The odd couple of weeks holiday never quite cut it and I certainly don't want to deprive my son the chance to know his family in Aus. They are lovely people, warm, generous and they deserve the opportunity to see him grow as much as anyone else. Also the things you say about Skype and resentment, surely I need to consider how my husband feels in all this, not just myself. The shoe is on the other foot at the moment for him as we live in the UK. So all the things you say about his family could be said to apply to mine here for him. Thankfully he gets on well with my parents.

 

Our move isn't only about family. Its about our life overall. Yes, family and friends in Aus play their part, but are not the only reason. I love the city we'll be living in luckily so am not worried about that. I will enjoy exploring on my own more. Its something I am used to doing. Hubby wants to take on the challenge of some more triathlons and cycling events once back home. He is doing them here also but is looking forward to getting into these things back in Aus also. Our life here is good. But in the long term, we honestly feel there is more for us in Aus than the UK. For all of us. It even means I can seriously look to going back to study, something I cannot do here no matter how hard we try to balance the books.

 

With regard to the taking children out of Aus if the relationship broke down. Hubby and I have talked about this. I think at the end of the day you just have to trust you know your own relationship, the person, know them well enough to know how they might behave in such a situation. If I were happy in Aus, if my son was, I'd want to remain there regardless if my marriage ended. I'd not feel that coming back to the UK was going to improve my life if I was actually happy with my life in Aus.

 

I think it takes enormous strength in so many areas when you marry someone from overseas. Its accepting their culture, their roots, their differences and also ensuring you can find a happy balance to embrace both if its what you both want. I think the fact we realised this going in, the potential pitfalls and problems that might arise, the possibility one or the other of us would need to be prepared to move overseas, we knew going in what this meant and luckily we both like each others countries, adapt well to them and know we can be happy in both. I loved the time I've spent in Aus and always felt very at home there. This was before hubby and I married, during our dating days and since then. I take it as a positive my feelings for the place haven't changed, in fact each time I've visited I've thought more and more positive about eventually living there. Hubby is looking forward to returning home though he has said there are a few things he'll miss about his life here in the UK. But he stands to gain other things back being back in Aus and feels its worth the move.

 

And we've said we would always consider a return to the UK if it was what we wanted. However we both feel and hope that once we are in Aus that we remain living there till our son finishes school. Of course, crystal ball and all that but that is where we are right now

[Guest]

I'd be interested to read how others married to an Aussie (or those Aussie's married to Brits) cope with things and how they felt about moving to their partners country. My moving to Aus isn't me stepping into the unknown like it might be for some. All experiences and POV's welcome

[Petals]

We are both Brits but I can relate to what you are saying and I say live near the family that feels like family. My family is large but not close and I had limited access to my side of the family growing up. My oh family on the other hand was/is completely different, close and so different from mine.

 

Go with your feelings.

[Guest siamsusie]

I'd be interested to read how others married to an Aussie (or those Aussie's married to Brits) cope with things and how they felt about moving to their partners country. My moving to Aus isn't me stepping into the unknown like it might be for some. All experiences and POV's welcome

 

Met and married an Australian .. we share the same sense of values and direction and actually enjoy supporting each other.

He isnt an "ocker" or a " bogan" :biggrin:.. he has travelled the world a fair bit himself, so he is more than aware of the hardships/loneliness that can arise being away from home.

Moving here was a doddle, having been brought up in an army environment and living abroad most of my life... Australia has exceeded my expectations and I am exceptionally happy here.

 

My husband comes from an exceptionally large family all of whom have been terrific and unintentionally have become my friends but making my own set of friends has been important to me rather than following like a sheep. We dont live out of each others pockets and I have carved very successfully a life of my own here which for me is one of the key ingredients to our relationship working.

 

From the other perspective, it must be hard on the Australian who comes home at the end of the day to be confronted by a sad, miserable partner for whatever the reason.. it takes time to settle and damned hard work on many occasions.

I came straight from the green fields to the red dirt of the Pilbara, and I too had my moments of sadness and frustration but I married the man, I made the choice therefore it was upto me to make it work.... and make it work I did.

 

I do realise that having children can be an entirely different ball game, coupled with lack of resources to afford the trips home but ours have flown the nest so our situation differs from some.

 

For me to wake up bitter would be soul destroying .. we are here for such a short time!

 

Yep, loads of love, laughter and giggles in this household and definately no regrets:laugh:

 

Susie x