Jokes for a rainy Saturday Night

[gilliantay]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

 

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

 

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

 

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

 

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

 

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

 

She said, 'That was incredible!'

 

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

 

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

 

After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

 

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

 

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

 

 

 

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The love story of Ralph and Edna.

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't

mean they don't love you with all they have.

 

Ralph and Edna were bothpatients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past thehospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. Hesank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulledhim out.

 

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic actshe immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as shenow considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good newsand bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you wereable to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the lifeof the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with hisbathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How sooncan I go home?'

 

Happy Mental Health day!

 

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.

 

I just did!!

 

 

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12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

 

 

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

 

2. New ZealandRugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

 

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

 

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

 

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

 

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

 

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts'

 

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

 

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The Koala and the Little Lizard

 

 

 

 

 

 

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks pastand looks up and says

 

"HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"

 

The koala says:

 

"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

 

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

 

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

 

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

 

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

 

"What's the matter with you?"

 

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

 

"Hey you!"

 

So the koala looks down at him and says:

 

"Faaaaarrrrk n hell mate.......how much water did you drink?!!"

 

 

 

There are pictures to go with the Koala and the little lizard but I can't seem to get them to come up on the screen ?????

 

Gill