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Found 9 results

  1. Knock knock, Who is there? Banana Banana Who? Knock Knock Who is there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who is there? Orange. Orange WHO? Orange you glad its not that banana again!! My 4 years old non stop favourite joke for your delectation!!:wink:
  2. Guest51810

    any jokes or funny storys!?

    Im feeling a bit fed up today, not sure if its the fact that the lovely weather has disapeared or im just being a grumpy moo as usual lol. Has anybody got any jokes or funny storys that might cheer me up. Or just tell me to stop being crabbit lol that might work
  3. Guest

    Football Jokes

    Ok Guys, lets keep them clean! I'll start the ball rolling!!! Excuse the pun. Whats red and white and goes beep beep?......... Arsenals victory parade bus reversing back into the garage!
  4. gaz n family

    Some jokes to help everyone smile

    Got sent these today. thought they might help others to smile in all this sad news with the floods, and the frustration of most waiting for a CO >Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. > >Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy. >After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely. > >Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then." > >My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. > >Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…? > >I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. > >After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. > >A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part". > >2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses. > >An elderly couple were being interviewed recently here on TV and were asked how they keep so fit? The guy said, we have sex nearly every day … nearly on Monday…nearly on Tuesday etc > >I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady. Two minutes later she said "will you sod off. I'm trying to have a sh1t!!” > >Brought the missus some crotch-less knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick.. > >Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt... > >Due to the water shortage in Ireland, swimming baths in Dublin have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. > >I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. ** DELETED SOME IN FEAR OF FLACK FOR NOT BEING PC ** If they do offend, then sorry, it was certainly not my intention
  5. I think we need to look into the past to understand the present and plan for the future. Therefore it is good to know what was there in the past especially this kind of backlog, retrospective rule changes, chaos and confusion. The idea here is to dig as much information as possible regarding the Immigration Blunders and Jokes. It should be noted that the migration lawers won a case against the Canadian Govt some 5 years ago, i m not sure but ! and won the case in favour of massive applicants there. So we need to know the history. Please cut paste or share the information regarding the ruthless immigration history and some jokes,,,,waiting and waiting after paying and passing the trick to no anvil. Cheers guys!! The POM cricket team are 'wombles' Never noted for understatement, Rupert Murdoch's Sun newspaper has found a new term for England's Ashes cricket team: Wombles. "ENGLAND’S bunch of Wombles had to face up to a nightmare Ashes scoreline last night — two Tests down, just three to play. After seeing his men somehow blow the Second Test, skipper Andrew Flintoff said: “I never want to feel like this again.” Freddie and his men gave a second innings display about as menacing as Great Uncle Bulgaria and Co as they lost nine wickets for 60 runs in a dire six-wicket defeat. And the Ashes, won so spectacularly last year, have effectively now been surrendered. " :biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:
  6. Joke of the Day - Tourism Australia Responds to Stupid Questions I cant say for sure that these are real responses to tourist questions, but they are amusing. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, but take lots of water... Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? A: No. What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Australia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is north in Australia? A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? A: No, we don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? A: Only at Christmas. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. A: Rattlesnakes live in America which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
  7. Guest


    Morning All, Please remember when you are posting on the forum , that you post in the correct section!! Jokes for example should really be posted in "chewing the fat" rather than in News. Thank you!
  8. gilliantay

    Jokes for a rainy Saturday Night

    A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi. ================================================= The love story of Ralph and Edna. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were bothpatients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past thehospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. Hesank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulledhim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic actshe immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as shenow considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good newsand bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you wereable to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the lifeof the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with hisbathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How sooncan I go home?' Happy Mental Health day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend. I just did!! =================================================== 12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 2. New ZealandRugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.' 10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts' 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' ===================================================== The Koala and the Little Lizard A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks pastand looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrk n hell mate.......how much water did you drink?!!" There are pictures to go with the Koala and the little lizard but I can't seem to get them to come up on the screen ????? Gill
  9. paulhug

    Boat Jokes for Eddie

    I thought we might have a bit of a light hearted bank holiday weekend. I'll start with these. Why are boats better than women? 1. Boats last longer. 2. Boats don't have parents. 3. Boats never get headaches. 4. Boat's curves never sag. 5. Boats don't care if you have a beer while you ride them. 6. Boats never ask "Does this make me look fat?" 7. Your boat doesn't get mad at you if you look at other boats. 8. You don't have to deal with preachers and blood tests to register your boat. 9. If you say bad things to your boat you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. no offence meant to the women...... Paul