Guest Guest63690 Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 . It's kind of stating the obvious to me as a parent anyways. Our sons future and well being has been at the forefront of our minds when deciding to up sticks to Aus. It's not a decision he ultimately has a say in as he is 4 but please don't think we've not thought about the future in Aus and what it might entail or how it might impact on him and us. Snifter, I am sure you have thought about what a move to oz entails, and are thinking of your son. You are also fortunate in that he is so young. But not all parents give it enough thought. They are so excited and sure they are making a move that will benefit their children, they have not considered what happens if their children are unhappy after the move. The young lady I was referring to in my op moved when she was nine. She said her parents were convinced she did not remember anything about her old life, but she said she did, vividly. It is that type of 'brushing off' of a child's feelings, that makes the child feel invalidated, and that truly worries me. Homesickness is a terrible feeling, made even more terrible if it cannot be shared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deelydog Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I was 13, sister 11, and a younger brother. We just did as we were told and got on the plane. Wasn't happy, none of us were, but 45 years later still here and couldn't be happier. Parents these days seem to have forgotten what being a parent means, and that's making the hard decisions Wow...this is lovely to hear....in process of dragging my boy and girl aged 8 and 5.....worried they will hate me for it in a few years....but feel better reading your post...thx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairystar32 Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I Totally agree. We spend time discussing it with our children, still often as their opinions, thoughts, dreams, worries and life are the most important thing to us and whils't we as their parents, never want to go back, we would have to think about it and maybe accept it, if our kids was so upset and unsettled and it weas causing huge emotional distress which was not getting any better, for their sake. I would initially try to change things and help them accept and talk, support and engage them first but if they were really unhappy it would be a choice we would have to make. We moved here for ALL of us, for us all to have a better life. I could not be happy if my kids were so unhappy. Whilst I would not be on the next plane home after a short time and would give it at least 3-4 yrs (thasts how long it has taken my eldest to settle) I would return if they were long term unhappy and really wanted to go back. Its very important to accept that your child may feel differently to you, they have had their whole life changed, friends, family, lifestyle. Its a huge deal and one which some kids will enjoy and accept and embrace, but others will not and it can have a deep impact on them, mentally and physically. . It is that type of 'brushing off' of a child's feelings, that makes the child feel invalidated, and that truly worries me. Homesickness is a terrible feeling, made even more terrible if it cannot be shared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Fairystar, your kids are incredibly lucky. I wish you all well in your new lives now that you have all settled. That must be a huge weight off your shoulders. Homesickness is a very profound phenomena, not just for children, for adults too. Brushing it under the carpet does not help anyone. I found this interesting artical that I thought was worth read if anyone is interested in the subject of homesickness. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/22/opinion/many-still-live-with-homesickness.html?pagewanted=all It raises the point that Skype etc, can actually make homesickness worse, as it keeps 'home' more fresh in peoples minds. Its an interesting suggestion, and not one I had considered before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Fairystar, your kids are incredibly lucky. I wish you all well in your new lives now that you have all settled. That must be a huge weight off your shoulders. Homesickness is a very profound phenomena, not just for children, for adults too. Brushing it under the carpet does not help anyone. I found this interesting artical that I thought was worth read if anyone is interested in the subject of homesickness. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/22/opinion/many-still-live-with-homesickness.html?pagewanted=all It raises the point that Skype etc, can actually make homesickness worse, as it keeps 'home' more fresh in peoples minds. Its an interesting suggestion, and not one I had considered before. I would agree with that, it was much easier 30 years ago when, if you were lucky, you got an aerogramme every 6 months - you werent constantly picking at the scab of the life you had left behind and just got on with it. Doesnt mean to say that you didnt get homesick but it wasnt constantly in your face like it is now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I would agree with that, it was much easier 30 years ago when, if you were lucky, you got an aerogramme every 6 months - you werent constantly picking at the scab of the life you had left behind and just got on with it. Doesnt mean to say that you didnt get homesick but it wasnt constantly in your face like it is now. That is interesting Quoll. It's ironic that new technology, that many assume, will make emigration easier and less painful, may actually make it more painful in the long run. This is very hard for children who are separated from loved ones/friends/ who they have to leave behind, as they naturally will want that type of contact if it is available. Though I geuss on a good note, it shows that this type of communication, while it may feel wholly inadequate, does actually keep that emotional connection alive to some extent. But the cost is to the child who has emigrated, as they become less likely to embrace their new life. The bottom line is the skype geni is out of the bottle now. I wonder if that played a part in why an unprecedented number of brits left oz in 2009/2010, despite the UK economy not looking overly rosey. Maybe Skype is getting better/clearer/more lifelike. I have been researching tv's that have a skype facility, so your loved ones sit in front of you almost life sized for example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairystar32 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Thank you.. I always feel worse when we use messenger, especially when they are having a family get together... However, the kids like it, as it keeps them connected with their auntie and grandparents etc.... But yes I get that it probably then also keeps the fact they miss her so much, going as strongly. Fairystar, your kids are incredibly lucky. I wish you all well in your new lives now that you have all settled. That must be a huge weight off your shoulders. Homesickness is a very profound phenomena, not just for children, for adults too. Brushing it under the carpet does not help anyone. I found this interesting artical that I thought was worth read if anyone is interested in the subject of homesickness. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/22/opinion/many-still-live-with-homesickness.html?pagewanted=all It raises the point that Skype etc, can actually make homesickness worse, as it keeps 'home' more fresh in peoples minds. Its an interesting suggestion, and not one I had considered before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wanna b warm Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 We have only been in Australia for a few months. We did discuss it fully with the children aged 14 12 and 5,more so with the older 2 as obviously they understand alot more. The eldest was dead set against it for along time the middle one wasnt overjoyed at the idea of leaving his mates behind but could see after looking into Australia himself that it perhaps had a fair bit to offer him. The little one was heartbroken at leaving our pets behind and leaving the only home he had ever really known. We all have our down days if a few of us are having a homesick day it can be really really hard. If the youngest wants to speak to grandad he stays up until its an ok time to call,the eldest is on facebook alot but i can happily say already she is talking just as much with the new australian friends she has made at school as to the old ones back in the uk and the middle one..well he has practically moved into the skate park down the road and is fitting in with the locals pretty well. I am so proud of all three of them they come and say when they are struggleing and when they arent trying to bash each other they are holding each other up, i think they are doing better that we are lol. Having moved from cambridgeshire to n yorks as a teenager I can relate to how they feel. Homesickness is not something that just goes, its abit like greiving espechially as for the child it isnt their decision to make. We are an open family theres not alot thats not discussed and i hope that they will come to fully appreciate what we are here for and why we have done it. As a parent i have had to make many difficult decisions that have affected their lives, I have always done so with the best of intentions and with wanting the best future for them always being at the forefront. I know that we dont always get things right we are only human after all and whats right for one of them will not be right for all three. There will be times when they will hate us for bringing them here, xmas and new years is going to be really hard but I know there wil also be times when they too will look up at the blue sky and look at the amazing view out to the ocean in this beautiful place that we now call home and they will get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest OnlyMe Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I'm the girl who was mentioned when Wronged started this topic. Hello! Fortunately, I have sorted my life out since I made that post. I never did tell my parents, but I've changed things around a bit (I'm now going on student exchange for a year) and plan to go to university back in England when I finish Year Twelve. I have something to look forward to and that's making me feel quite a lot better. I think that all children cope differently and what might work for one may not work for another. Some children (my brother, for instance) adjust quickly and completely and are happy to belong to two worlds for the rest of their life. I'm not like that; I have never thought of myself as Australian in the slightest. I'm a Brit in Australia and will be until I move. That's just how it is for me. I still think Australia is a lovely place and anyone who does feel at home here is very lucky, but I'm just not one of those people. If my brother was unhappy as well then it might have been more openly discussed and I know my parents would have considered moving back if both of us felt homesick after so long, but since everyone but me was completely fine the last thing I wanted to do was bring them down with problems that I knew I had no real reason for having. I was doing well at school, I had friends, I wasn't being teased (beyond the usual accent-related stuff, of course), but I was still sad, while my brother was thriving in almost exactly the same situation. I can imagine that having one child wanting to stay and the other wanting to go home would be incredibly difficult. I don't know if my advice is worth anything (I'm only sixteen and God knows I haven't been having all the success in the world at this) but just keep an open mind about that. If a kid feels like they're the only unhappy one, it's extremely tempting to suffer in silence and fake being content to avoid ruining it for everyone else. Another thing worth mentioning is that homesickness isn't necessarily just something that happens at the beginning. I was overjoyed to move to Australia. It was new and exciting and I was having some problems with my school in England, so I was happy to get away from that. My parents were surprised at how enthusiastic I was when they first suggested moving. It was like a massive adventure. Everything was new and fun and interesting in the first year or so. After that I settled down into a routine and was for all intents and purposes completely adapted. I still felt English but I was fine with being in Australia. In a perfect world, that would be the end of it and I'd live the rest of my life in perfect happiness. But it was only after I'd settled in that I got homesick. I'm still not sure why, but I have a theory that it was the settling in that unsettled me, if that makes any sense at all. It might be worth mentioning that when we first moved, we only expected to stay for a year. As you can tell, we're still here. It was about then that I started to realise that we were never going home. I felt like I was stuck in a place I liked but didn't really belong in and losing my connection to the place I did. Until then it'd just felt like a great long extended holiday, but at that point I was expected to put England behind me and I didn't want to do that. The reason I couldn't say anything wasn't because my parents guilt-tripped me (we're usually all very open about our feelings and they encourage us to speak to them if we're ever upset) but because I guilt-tripped myself. I was experiencing homesickness after the accepted window in which homesickness can be felt (i.e. just after leaving), so I was worried they would think I was just being stupid. It didn't help that people at school were sort of exasperated with me. For some reason I've never even slightly lost my accent and I can't shake the habit of using English words and pronunciations (plaster, YOG-urt, ketchup, trousers, etc.), which they took as just me being deliberately anti-Australian. The school system here is very patriotic (I've written about five essays on how proud I am to be an Australian since starting high school and the history curriculum is more than a little biased) so it was always at the forefront of everyone's mind. I've never been bullied or had trouble making friends and everyone's nothing if not nice to me, but there is an underlying sentiment there. I just felt like I was being awkward and feeling the wrong things so I didn't say anything about them. So if you're moving to Australia with your kids, maybe keep an eye out for any late homesickness. Just because we've settled in doesn't necessarily mean we're entirely assimilated and won't have problems later. This post is getting stupidly long and I'm probably just rambling now, but that's my experience. Please don't let it discourage you from moving to Australia if you're thinking of doing so. For every awkward malcontent like me there's plenty of kids who love it here and will never even consider going back to England. Just be aware that it isn't always smooth sailing and might not be for everyone. Also, please do me a favour and don't let homesickness become a taboo subject in your family. One of the reasons I couldn't talk about it was because I knew my mother had a really hard time moving out here but struggled through it because she believed Australia would give us a better childhood. She never held that over us or guilt-tripped us with it, but I always knew that it would really hurt her if I wasn't grateful for what she did for us. Just don't let the topic get so heavy and let your kids know you won't be upset if they're having a hard time. Other than that, I don't have much else to say. I just thought you might like some observations from a child's perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Onlyme, thank you so much for your wonderful post, which I am sure will open many eyes to the possibility that even if a child seems to have settled post emigration, they may not have. That awareness can only be a good thing, and may prevent other young people suffering in silence the way you did. You may only be 16, but you write with more insight and eloquence than many adults. You are clearly the type of person that sees things from everyones points of view, and that is both a strength and a burden. You felt your own pain, but sensed the pain of your mother when she first emigrated, despite the fact she did not deliberately burden you with it, and therefore did not want to burden her with any more pain. I am sure many parents will read that and ask themselves if they have ever inadvertantly led their children to keep their feelings of homesickness to themselves. I know from your post in the young persons section, that you ultimately plan to try out life in the UK. Please pop in from time to time with an update of how things turn out for you. I wish you all the luck in the world for the future, and thank you for the time you have taken to write such thought provoking posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Recently I have read several posters state they are moving to oz for their kids benefit. As this was a risk factor in why onlyme (the brave young poster who inspired this thread), suffered in silence with her homesickness for five years, I thought it might be worth bumping this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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