One for us blokes!!!

[Guest jonseywife]

Dont laugh at them Abi, it'll just encourage them ........ they THINK there funny !!!!!!!!!! :nah:

 

Feel free Girls to contribute on men put downs, on "another one for the girls "thread !!!!!!!!

Now that's wot you call funny !!!!!! :biglaugh:

[Guest Scarletfever]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk as

to her Marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Guest KP Nuts]

Just thought " I HAD " better put something else here b4 it gets dropped off the bottom.

 

Something you all wanted to know,

We've all heard about guy's having the guts or balls,

But did you know the difference between them ? a couple of definitions are listed below.

 

GUTS- is arriving home after a late night out with your mate's an being met by your other half holding a broom and having the guts to ask,

 

"Are you still cleaning, or is your mother here". :skeptical:

 

BALLS- is arriving home after a late night out with your mate's smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping the other half on the butt and having the balls to say,

 

" You're Next ". :Randy-git:

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions..... :yes: :yes:

 

Mr KP Nut

[Guest Scarletfever]

Why we split up..............

 

 

 

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

 

 

 

Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up, £150 for a cut & color, £32

 

for a manicure, £40 for a pedicure, £50 on vitamins, £300 on clothes and

 

£600 for a gym membership.

 

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

 

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

 

 

 

I told her that was what the beer was for.

 

 

 

I don't think she's coming back.........

[Guest Working to fish]

whats the difference between a blonde and a 747

not everyone has been in a 747.

[Guest jonseywife]

Whats the difference between a man and a huge, smelly, useless, pile of poo ????

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

(I made that one up myself ......!!! :GEEK:)

[Guest Working to fish]

Fistly, apologies for my bad joke before, didn't want to offend you jonseywife. My wife didn't find it very amusing either.

 

I've got another one, so, no offence.

 

A woman goes into an ice-cream parlour and asks for a chocolate ice-cream cone.

 

The man behind the counter says they're out of chocolate and asks her if she would like to chose a different flavour.

 

The woman says 'Sure, just give me chocolate please.'

 

The man again apologises and thinking the woman didn't hear him says 'I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there a different flavour i can get you?'

 

The woman says 'Well i guess i'll just have the chocolate one'.

 

The man extremely stressed now tells th woman 'Can you spell V-A-N as in vanilla?'

 

She spells out V A N.

 

'Now ...' says the man 'spell S-T-R-A-W as in strawberry'

 

The woman spells out 'S T R A W'

 

'Ok' says the man 'Spell out **** as in chocolate'

 

The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims 'Wait - theres no **** in chocolate!'

 

And the man replies 'Thats what i've been trying to tell you.'

[Guest KP Nuts]

2 women are walking through the zoo .... they come across the gorilla enclosure and notice that the male gorilla has a huge erection.

The women are fascinated by this.

An 1 just cant bare it any longer and reaches out into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs her, drags her into the cage and has he's strong willed wicked way with her for 8 hours, non stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand there watching..........

 

When he's done, the gorilla just throws the woman back out of the cage.

 

An ambulance is called and the woman is taken away to the hospital, a few days later the womans friend turns up to see how she is an asks, " are you in pain ".

 

"Pain, pain" she shout's, "what do you think, He hasn't called, written or sent flowers"............. :arghh:

 

Mr KP Nut.

[Guest steve110]

Why do female skydivers wear tampons?

 

 

 

so they don"t whistle on the way down................

[Guest Scarletfever]

YAY!!! Steve is back...look out girls........you know its gonna get nasty now!!!

 

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy the time while they were incarcerated.

 

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

 

The other pulled out a box of paints and said, "With these I can paint anything. I`ll be the Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he returned the question. "What did you bring?" he asked.

 

The first pulled out a deck of cards, smiled and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, rummy, and any number of games."

 

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

 

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said said, "I brought these."

 

Puzzled, the other two asked, "What can you do with those?"

 

He pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to what it says here, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[Guest Scarletfever]

Ah, but did you hear the Japanese had invented the fastest camera in the world? It's reputed to have taken a photo of a women with her mouth shut, but so far that's only rumour..............

[Guest KP Nuts]

Hi steve glad to see a new name here, the gal's seem to think there ahead but if you check the two then we are ahead on views, i think some think it's just easier to get through to them on there thread............. Ooooop's

 

 

Mr KP Nut. :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

[Guest Working to fish]

ok i will stay on this thread to help get us way in front ,give me haft an hour .got to sort out my avatar ,had one of them takeing the mick out of it . she knows who she is .

[Guest KP Nuts]

Well sorry i gotta go my ' pooter ' as some epeople call it is above kids bedroom's so i'll catch up tmrw. :sad: :sad:

 

Mr KP Nut.

[Guest Scarletfever]

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes mad passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.

[Guest Working to fish]

best joke yet

[Guest Scarletfever]

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your widger is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy s**t!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"

[Guest Scarletfever]

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, (You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Asda and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[Guest Working to fish]

do you know why they call it the wonder bra.

because when she taks it off you wonder where here tits have gone.

[Guest Working to fish]

WHO,S THE BOSS.

as they were uhndressing for bed the husband,a big burly man tossed his trousers to his new wife,he said,here put these on.

she puts them on and the waist was twice the size of her body

i cnt wear your trousers she said.

 

thats right said the husband and dont ever for get it.

 

i,m the man who wears the trousers n this house.

[Guest Working to fish]

What the connection between a blonde and a halogen head lamp?

Both get screwed on the front of a Ford.

 

 

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A black box.

 

 

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio, DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned off the radio.

A mile down the road she saw another blonde out in a cornfield in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car and jumped out and yelled "You bimbo. Its blondes like you that give us a bad name. If i could swim id come out there and give you what for."

 

 

What the difference between a blonde and a guy?

The blonde has a high sperm count.

[Guest Scarletfever]

THINGS YOU'RE NOT GONNA HEAR A WOMAN SAY!

 

8. What do you mean it’s our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch tv.

6. ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5.Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being just friends.

4. Honey, does this outfit make my but look to small?

3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don’t care if it’s on sale $300 is way too much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger.

[Guest KP Nuts]

WHO,S THE BOSS.

as they were uhndressing for bed the husband,a big burly man tossed his trousers to his new wife,he said,here put these on.

she puts them on and the waist was twice the size of her body

i cnt wear your trousers she said.

 

thats right said the husband and dont ever for get it.

 

i,m the man who wears the trousers n this house.

 

 

Then she takes her tiny knickers off and says: 'ok, put these on.'

'I can't get into them,' the bloke says.

And she replies: 'Correct, unless you change your attitude.'

 

MRS KP NUTS:yes::yes::yes:

[Guest KP Nuts]

Sorry didn't know how to get that over to the girls thread, never mind one more for you!!!

 

MRS KP NUTS

[Guest Working to fish]

i should been reading a few more threads i think . didnt know there was two kp nuts on here. any way my wife has asked me to tone down my jokes , as my 12 year old will be useing the kids part on here soon .i will af to see what i can do. just looking for some cleaner jokes . still this is another thread for the blokes.