Australia Day Email

[Guest Nicole Page]

Hi guys --

 

Some of you may have seen this.

 

This email does the rounds each and every Australia Day. There are slightly different versions of it, and each year it seems to get a few tweaks and upgrades.

 

Nonetheless, no Australia Day is complete without finding one of these in your inbox!

 

Thought you guys might like it!

 

Cheers

 

Nicole

 

 

 

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!

 

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the

occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few

too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live

in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to

bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

 

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

 

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't

believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo

turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse

races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch

is that "it's livable". At least that's what they think. The

rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

 

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato

with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing

queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other

city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi

lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep

the left and right sides of their brains separate.

 

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion

that the family that bonks together stays together. In

Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.

Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It

holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the

Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

 

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a

festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the

state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse

country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of

Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand

Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the

Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

 

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant.

It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight

saving because if it did all the men would get erections on

the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop

importing convicts and many of them still work there in the

government and business.

 

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback

plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos,

Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It

also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the

planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content

of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece

of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest

prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

 

And there's Queensland... While any mention of God seems

silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed

sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made

Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the next.

Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

 

Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the

better.

 

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose

treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than

murderers. We are united in our lust for international

recognition.

 

Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie

immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national

phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and

"Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.

 

(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits

suicide??)

 

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death

toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that

count, like cricket, netball, rugby,AFL, roo-shooting, two-

up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the

tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed

Olympians in the known universe.

 

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by

lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-

minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel

better for it.

 

I am, you are, we are Australian.