Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

[Guest Tim]

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first

Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,

went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,

"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

 

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we

discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact

there is no mention of wrapping paper.

 

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And

lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the

paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And

Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,

she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next

year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was

more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

 

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the

very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the

people giving those gifts had two important characteristics

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

 

Men are not big gift wrappers.

 

Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so

somebody else can tear it off.

 

This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a

statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the

only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I

don't want to be there when the person opens it."

 

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter

of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one

ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"

Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous

spitballs."

 

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills,

I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a

deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping

paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am

done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift

peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking

pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,

the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by

Scotch tape.

 

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping

paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.

 

My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she

gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries

separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental

illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual

volt.

 

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having

babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why

today I am presenting:

 

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

 

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when

the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,

you can claim that it's myrrh.

 

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how

to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with

an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of

food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

 

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!

Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive

bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to

delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

 

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

 

You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

 

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

 

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

 

Your wife: I want a divorce.

 

You: I also got you some myrrh.

 

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you

give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very

special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

 

-- Author Unknown (but definitely male)