Apologies for depressing post - death in family in UK and need advice

[Louwarren]

Hi there, I've not been on here for years but Poms in Oz was a massive help when I moved over here in 2009 and I'm needing help again

Had a really up and down year (had baby  had to have surgery quite soon after on same day as husband having back surgery, money troubles from being on mat leave and medical bills and husband being off work after surgery - the usual ups and downs) and my nan in the UK just died.  Anyone else had a family member who they love very much die and feel totally detached from it and unable to feel as sad as you think you should?  I honesty feel I will not be able to properly grieve her until I go to UK and not be able to see her... which won't happen for a while. 

I can't go to funeral as my baby doesn't have a passport, I also have a 4 year old and we can't afford for us to go.  Plus I was incredibly homesick before this year and I know I won't want to come back if I go to UK (but also I would not be able to stay as pretty sure husband won't let me take kids to live in UK.... he won't move back because his parents are here).

I feel bad talking to my family about it as they are all going through enough.  Talking to my Aussie friends doesn't help because they didn't know her.  Feeling incredibly lonely.  

Has anyone felt like this?  Sorry for depressing post

 

 

[Quoll]

Sort of - my grandmother died 3 days before my second son was born. I guess I’m a bit of an insensitive tough chook though and out of sight was out of mind to a degree. I didn’t see any point in wallowing in something I could do nothing about - it was very much a frame of mind thing for me and I can imagine that there might have been other things which would have kicked me over the edge.  Rationally, your going to the funeral means very little, you wouldn’t be able to do anything to change the outcome. You can farewell her in your heart just as easily on the other side of the world. You can write something so your voice can be heard at her funeral. She knew that you loved her and she is beyond caring now. I lost lots of family over 30+ years in Aus but I reckoned it was how I treated them in life that mattered not so much how I treated them after death. 

Its quite normal to be confused after bereavement but if it goes on for months and interferes with every day living then go to your GP and ask for support for counselling. Being sad is rational behaviour for the now.

I would suggest Marriage Counselling for the longer term though, it sounds like you are still teetering on the brink with your capacity to live happily in Australia. You and your DH need to be on the same page there so that both your aspirations are met. Just because his parents are in Aus doesn’t mean he couldn’t leave.

i am very sorry for your loss, it’s an unenviable time for you.

edited to say, if you just want to talk about her with someone who will listen, a call to Lifeline 13 11 14 might be a good idea. They will always listen

Edited December 13, 2017 by Quoll

[Guest]

20 hours ago, Louwarren said:

Hi there, I've not been on here for years but Poms in Oz was a massive help when I moved over here in 2009 and I'm needing help again

Had a really up and down year (had baby  had to have surgery quite soon after on same day as husband having back surgery, money troubles from being on mat leave and medical bills and husband being off work after surgery - the usual ups and downs) and my nan in the UK just died.  Anyone else had a family member who they love very much die and feel totally detached from it and unable to feel as sad as you think you should?  I honesty feel I will not be able to properly grieve her until I go to UK and not be able to see her... which won't happen for a while. 

I can't go to funeral as my baby doesn't have a passport, I also have a 4 year old and we can't afford for us to go.  Plus I was incredibly homesick before this year and I know I won't want to come back if I go to UK (but also I would not be able to stay as pretty sure husband won't let me take kids to live in UK.... he won't move back because his parents are here).

I feel bad talking to my family about it as they are all going through enough.  Talking to my Aussie friends doesn't help because they didn't know her.  Feeling incredibly lonely.  

Has anyone felt like this?  Sorry for depressing post

 

 

I'm not sure I can offer any words of wisdom, however, just that I wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan @Louwarren and sending a big virtual hug. Also sorry to hear it sounds like you've not had a smooth road over the past few years. It's very natural and normal to feel sad/depressed when something like this happens, especially when you've been through a lot and not near by to family or supportive friends. Sometimes the feelings of detachment when an event like this occurs can be due to you having been through a lot and your mind/body just trying to protect yourself. I have felt the same in the past, I (think) I understand where you are coming from, although I don't pretend to know exactly of course. Just about anyone, who has had to deal with an international move, having a child (massive thing!), surgery for both yourself and your husband,  possibly feeling isolated from mat leave and money issues (etc!) plus a relative passing would not be dancing on the ceiling I can assure you! You're not alone. You've been through a lot. It's ok to not be ok.

Don't ever feel the need to apologise about a 'depressing post', it's not  - you're simply writing about your feelings, many many of us on here have written posts, whilst feeling down, asking for advice. It's normal and human to share problems. There are some amazing people here on PIO who go over and above to help others. I'm sure others will be past soon with some great advice.

I will say I don't think this is the time to be making big life decisions about moving back or not. You're grieving, you're feeling low. The most important thing is for you to have someone to talk to, to help you along your current path. To unload your feelings and have good advice in return. Can you see your GP? Do you have any counseling services at work or otherwise? Also know there are always excellent people to talk to (suggestion only of course) via Lifeline Australia 13 11 14. Just sometimes talking things through with an impartial trained person can make such a difference. The first step is to talk it out - get it all out and then along the way slowly find your 'happy' moments. They are there I promise you!

Have you fully discussed how you feel with your husband? Would he be open to just discussing options? Maybe you would find it easier to write down your feelings first? As mentioned, I don't think this is a good time to be making massive life decisions or putting any big plans into action, but having a conversation or two or ten is a good start. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, just discussions. Just deal with each minute, hour and day as it comes. You need proper support just now for your grieving and dealing with what you've been through.

Do you think you could manage to go back just for a visit, spending some time with your family and grieving for your nan - with a view to returning back with a refreshed mind and body and then deal with the bigger issues as you see them?

I wish you all the best with a difficult situation. Just remember that 'this too shall pass', brighter days can be ahead. x

[Louwarren]

Thank you for the replies.  I really appreciate it.  I spoke to a friend last night on facebook messanger and it was so therapeutic. Also i was asked to write a passage for my nans funeral and that opened the floodgates.  I think I just need a little time to let it sink in, reflect and then decide how to move on.  You're right though... no decisions should be made at the moment.