Shifting the goalposts....again

[SKW]

I'm not a big poster but a regular lurker so I hope it's ok to post this here.

 

DH and I have been here almost 4 years. I have known from early on that Aus wasn't for me. He felt similar but wanted to give it "a fair go". We eventually agreed that we would get citizenship and then move back. We will be able to apply for this is Nov, not sure how long it would take before the ceremony but we thought it would prob be Australia Day so would look to move back Feb/March.

 

DH's last contract ended in mid-March and he has been out of work since then. I only work part-time and we manage but it's not comfortable. I kept pointing out that we would be no worse off if we moved home but he wanted to stay for citizenship. So I agreed as there was an end in sight.

 

The last 2 months or so he decided to try and start a business with some old colleagues. Obviously, by Feb/March it is not going to be at a stage where he would have made any money on it and would then have to sell his part in it. He has now said he wants to give the business a chance to flourish, he doesn't think he will have the same opportunities in the UK etc. I've had enough. I feel like I am constantly living in limbo and putting my life on hold for him (this seems to be a recurring pattern). We also have a 5 year old who is due to start school here in Feb, I thought if we were moving back I wouldn't bother with school here, just wait until we got home.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to stand in DH's way if he feels that this is a good career move for him but I also feel done with Aus. I know no one can make this decision for me but I am considering moving back myself with my son. I don't know how I would do this financially and there isn't anywhere for us to live the other end (family not an option). I don't want to end my marriage but I feel if I tell DH that I am thinking of moving back anyway he will join me but always resent me for forcing the decision. I feel so trapped.

[Guest]

Oh my what a difficult situation. It's not uncommon though to find one partner wants to stay and the other doesn't and hopefully someone will be along that can give some personal insight into how they negotiated it.

 

My personal view is that returning with your son and hoping your OH will return too isn't the way to go. A marriage is about making joint decisions and at the moment it doesn't sound like you are in entrenched positions and you don't want to do anything that takes you down that path - presumably you know your OH could stop you leaving with your son anyway?

 

It's stating the obvious but you need to talk, talk, talk! It's not like your OH loves Australia so you need to find out what is REALLY behind this change of heart about leaving. I am wondering if he is afraid of not finding work in the UK? Men are expected to be the 'provider' and being out of work is hard on their egos Seriously if he couldn't find work for a while in Australia, he may not be feeling too confident about his prospects. What is the realistic picture? Maybe do a deal where he continues with the business here but pursues opportunities in the UK (& maybe you go back and get home set up ready for him securing that plumb job - a different spin on going back without him and shows you have confidence in his abilities )

[Chortlepuss]

Your OH has been out of work and has now found what he sees as viable employment. I totally understand where he's coming from, but it doesn't make it any easier for you. I struggled with getting work in Oz, took a break to UK where I found high quality work really easily and am now returning to Oz to be with my family. One thing I've got out is a confidence that I'm employable somewhere even if it isn't Brisbane and this has really helped me, although I'm worried about being out of work again as I love what I do. If you can bear to stay another year or so just to get your hubby more confident, I think it will reap rewards for all of you. It will be tough to be apart and the UK isn't going anywhere. I am going to have to go back for at least a year to see my youngest complete school - a bit easier with older kids! I don't want to go back but the deal is my hubby will consider returning once son is at uni. Your child will be fine starting school a bit later so in your place I'd grit my teeth and stick it out. But make sure you agree on a definite return date in a year or so and let him know you are compromising on the basis that this is fixed

[SKW]

Thanks for your replies.

Lady Rainicorn - You are totally right, it is about being the provider. When he has been working here DH has earned a lot more money than he did in the UK. He believes that he will be able to provide better for us here and that his prospects of a job are better here than they are in the UK. Even if he gets a great job or this business takes off I still feel the same about living here. We do need to talk some more.

Chortlepuss - I want to support my DH, I have seen him change in the time we have been here and yes his confidence isn't as high as it once was. I totally understand that this could be an amazing opportunity for him, but I don't know how much more I can give. I knew from early on that Aus wasn't for me, each time we've talked about moving back he has found a reason to stay. I think I've just reached my limit, as much as I want to support him I don't want to keep putting my life/happiness on hold. Your idea of a fixed return date is what I have tried in the past and he has changed the dates at least 3 times. I worry that if I agree to another year then I will have the same thing happen again.

[Sapphire]

Its a tough one!

I know how you feel,My Hubby wanted to stay for a long time, and in someways I do understand what he was saying >

If we had turned around and gone home ,like I wanted to, which was pretty much straight away, we would of been in a lot of trouble moneywise,and would not of been able to afford to get anywhere to live, as we had used everything we had getting out to Aus.

But having said that,we are still "stuck" here, property to sell, and the market is just awful.Everything has dragged on, and on, and theres no end in sight.

I have had so many days, where I could easily book my own ticket and just leave him to it.

Sounds so selfish, and I know in some respects he was right, but the first 2 years where he was so adament that he wanted to stay and would not even contemplate going home,giving it a "go" here, killed me inside

I do resent him for it, and even now, I wonder if he truely wants to leave, or if he is just doing it to "shut me up"....I dont know.

We dont talk like we used to,,,,theres something gone now, from our realationship, its not the same, and I dont know if it ever will be.

I just hope that by being back home, things will get better,between us, but it has put a huge void between us.

I hope it all works out for you.You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family.

Good Luck with it all xx

[SKW]

Hi Sapphire,

 

Thanks for your reply. So sorry that you have gone through something similar. Like you I understood we had to give it a try even though my instinct told me it wasn't for me from the start. Now almost 4 years on, I don't hate it, I'm more used to it and I can manage it but I'm not happy. I guess in my case I also feel a bit selfish but I also feel like I am the only one compromising/ sacrificing and that is an issue for me. I love my husband and I don't want to end up resenting him and being unhappy here for years to come.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel something has changed in your relationship. What stage are you at now in terms of moving home? Are you waiting for the house to sell and then moving back? I hope for you also that once DH is back at home things will improve between you. Good luck with your plans too xxx

[Sapphire]

Hi Sapphire,

 

Thanks for your reply. So sorry that you have gone through something similar. Like you I understood we had to give it a try even though my instinct told me it wasn't for me from the start. Now almost 4 years on, I don't hate it, I'm more used to it and I can manage it but I'm not happy. I guess in my case I also feel a bit selfish but I also feel like I am the only one compromising/ sacrificing and that is an issue for me. I love my husband and I don't want to end up resenting him and being unhappy here for years to come.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel something has changed in your relationship. What stage are you at now in terms of moving home? Are you waiting for the house to sell and then moving back? I hope for you also that once DH is back at home things will improve between you. Good luck with your plans too xxx

 

 

Hi SKW,

We are waiting for a sale on property and then Im booking the first flight home:)

The market down here is shocking and we have reduced the price , so we just hope someone comes along

We hoped to leave around April , this year, but needless to say, it has not happened.

I hope everyday, that it will be the day, we get an offer and can move on.

Im sure it will happen,as we would love to be home for Christmas,but unless a miracle happens and we get a really quick settlemnt, I cant see it,but fingers crossed.

I dont know how things will pan out once we get home, I hope we can put all of this behind us, and be like we used to be.It has been a learning curb for me . I am a far stronger person than I once was, and maybe I am selfish, but it has made me realise that I have to do what makes me happy and not try to make everyone else happy and end up miserable myself.

xxx

[fizzybangs]

I haven't read all the replies yet so forgive me if this has already been said but if you have decided to return to the UK, for goodness sake do it before your child becomes an Aussie citizen.

[Sapphire]

I haven't read all the replies yet so forgive me if this has already been said but if you have decided to return to the UK, for goodness sake do it before your child becomes an Aussie citizen.

 

Does that make things more difficult in the UK FB?

I always was releuctant to become a Citizen here

1; Because I dont want to

and

2; Because I do wonder of it affects entitlements/pensions etc later in life

[SKW]

Sapphire, I hope you get home before Christmas. Good luck with it all x

 

Fizzybangs, DH wants to stay for citizenship. I couldn't care less either way. Would there be issues for my son if he had dual citizenship?

[Guest]

I would say the opposite, for goodness sake stay until your son has citizenship so I'm interested in why FB thinks otherwise.

 

We made sure our son had citizenship before he left, why? So that the opportunity to return would always be open to him. At the point we left he had spent half his life in Australia and who knows how he will feel (how any of us will feel!) in years to come. I think dual nationality is an incredible gift to bestow and British and Australian nationality opens up not just the UK and Australia but all of the EU and NZ too! And not just to him but to and partner he may have and any children too should he have them.

 

My son could easily live another 80+ years and his children could be living 130+ years from now who knows what the world will be like then, politically, economically,climatically, in terms of war and terrorism and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that my son and future generations may benefit from the time I spent in Australia (someone has to!! )

 

I can see no downside but maybe I am missing something?? A friend did say 'why make it easy for him to leave you?' but what's the saying - if you love someone set them free? In any case, if Australia has got under his skin there is no reason why he couldn't migrate there independently as an adult anyway and having citizenship means I do have the option to follow him or at least visit unrestricted. I might actually make a country I can visit easily more appealing than one he has to jump through hoops to get a visa for like the US or Canada.

 

I am not aware of any legal differences with regards to children being allowed to leave Australia between permanent residents and citizens but maybe FB does??

[fizzybangs]

Sorry, don't get alerts about posts so only just found these responses. All I know is that Quoll is always mentioning the Geneva Convention and that if the child is an Australian citizen and the mother wants to return with a child before the father, he has the right to block her move. We have heard some very sad stories on this site before where a mother is stuck in absolute misery as she obviously doesn't want to leave her child behind! Ergo, you can lose freedom of choice and if you are separated or divorced in Oz and all alone and cannot return to your family in the UK it is - well, I have no words for what that must be like - it would tear me apart. Any child when they grow up can apply to travel to Oz just like all of us did - they don't need citizenship and if they like it they can get it themselves. However, for adults, if they are unsure and think they might wish to return to Oz one day they yes, get it before returning so you have choices.

[SKW]

Thanks for clarifying FB, but as PR's My understanding is that we still fall under the Geneva Convention and I would still need DH's permission to take my son home. I really don't think it will come to that for us, we're still talking and he knows how I feel. Hopefully I'll be able to update at some point and let you all know I'm going home.