22B

21 hours ago, Jon the Hat said:

I think you are probably right to think you will feel more of a pull once you have children.  I think you need to be honest with your partner and tell him these are the facts, and while he might feel the same in Ireland that you do in Australia, you DO feel this way, and the crap about changing goalposts is not a fair response, it is in my view a little gaslighting.  I don't think he should expect you to live where you are unhappy.  This is not about facts, it is about feelings.

On 08/01/2024 at 11:09, ExpatAbroad94 said:

I’m Irish living in Australia, engaged to an Australian man who I adore. 

He made it clear that living in Australia was where he wanted to be which is also what I wanted when we started going out. 

My lifestyle is definitely better here but I am extremely close to my family and I go through bouts of homesickness.

We are due to get married next year and we are talking about buying our longer term home and it’s stirred up feelings and difficult conversations that I didn’t realise I had buried. 

Obviously we have discussed this before, but I feel now my subconscious feelings that I wasn’t admitting are coming to the surface. 

I really want to live in Ireland for a period if we have children. He is an only child and cites that his parents want their chance at being near grandchildren so it wouldn’t be fair for us to move away. 

I have three siblings, so the logic is my parents at home will get other opportunities, which is upsetting to me because it won’t be my children. 

We came to a compromise they we would live in Ireland for one year. My partner however has made it clear that he doesn’t want to live there longer term. 

My job and career and everything would be better here, but I fear that once I have children my pull to family will be even stronger. I’m struggling with the finality or the option of living there not being even an option. He feels like he has been cheated and the goal posts moved because I agreed to living here, which I can understand. 

But I guess now I feel a bit different, or might feel different in the future. 

After a year a home, I may hate it, I may love it, but I suppose the hard thing is it won’t be a trial it will be a temporary thing with a definite move back to Australia. 

I feel like I’m left with a terrible choice, stay with the man I love and envisioned a future with and be maybe homesick, with potential to get worse in the future, or cut it loose now before it gets complicated with children etc, but risk moving home and being miserable and alone and being filled with regret: 

 

I don’t know that I want him to move and be miserable either, which I think he thinks is what the outcome would be if he lived there/ 

 

He wants to do whatever he can for me, but feels like he can’t leave his parents here with no support. There has to be a loser in the situation and the compromise he feels is we live there for a year but I don’t feel totally satisfied with that, because ultimately I still feel like I have to sacrifice a lot more. But then again, I was the one who lived in Australia and thought I wanted to live here. 

 

It’s also a hard sell in terms of financials, weather, lifestyles and career goals, because the only benefit is my family and a larger support system. He has a step sibling who he doesn’t get on with and who doesn’t have children.  

Obviously my head says stay but my heart doesn’t know because it’s like choosing between the family I already have and the family I’m trying to build. 

 

It’s like I’m waiting for the moment for it to all become clear but it hasn’t happened. 

I know nobody can decide but me but any advice from people who have been through something similar would be appreciated and how you have navigated it. 

 

I wasn’t trying to move the goal post, I guess as time has gone on, my feelings are just changing. 

And that’s the hard part, everything is based on maybes and hypotheticals. 

 

Please be gentle, I’m homesick and torn! 

I feel for you. It's the hardest subject to broach, because, in the end, it could destroy what you have built and hoped for. I wish you success in coming to a decision.
 

On 08/09/2023 at 11:42, BritChickx said:

How lucky.

I have 3 children, a wife starting a new career path and I despise being here. I know that I will eventually leave them all, probably once the last child has formed their own life plan in around 10 years.

Quote

 

Thank you all for your replies and well wishes

I'm sure it has me that's changed but also I never really lived in Aus before, I only ever travelled. Obviously the usual daily grind exists and that's fine, but it's definitely made me think about what I want long term and it will eventually be to live close to family and keep to short term travel/holidays throughout the world. I have no regrets about coming and I won't be too hasty in returning.

There's a lot of things I like about Aus, and we are both on better wages so that helps too and will make the most of earning and saving more  .

We aren't sure on the area we are in either, it's gorgeous but we are after a bit more hustle and bustle so thinking about travelling for 2-3 months and then re-settling elsewhere if we decide to stick it out longer than 18 months.

At the moment we're just gonna see how things go. Now I've been working a couple of months I'm gonna make more of a conscious effort to meet people - going to meet up thing this weekend. We fully intend on making the most of being here though, have already booked an Aus holiday for next month  . 

PS not intending on starting a family, we don't want kids, so its just us which makes deciding what to do a bit easier as well. 

On 27/02/2023 at 10:15, jvb473 said:

I’ve been here 6 months and in the same boat.  I’m trying to stick it out and hope it gets better as my mrs (she’s an Australian and the reason I’m here ) does not want to go back to the UK so me going home would be the end of the relationship.

Feel your pain, and hope it gets a little better. We left for a job and life change, as some family members had moved over. You would have thought it would make it easier. But I can't bare it here, all I want to do is go home and after many years there's absolutely no chance my relationship would survive.

(Amazing….I can only describe that the feeling of being back where I belong has been like a weight lifted of my shoulders…like I have been released from a prison, like I had never left…really…I knew that somethings will have changed, the people I knew would have a few more wrinkles, houses and roads would now be in places that they where not in before, but on the whole ten years have not really changed that much, since being back I spend all my time when I am not working exploring…not only does it help to keep my mind occupied, it helps with mental health to have an interest outside of work, something totally separate...)

'Released from a prison'... really pleased you're back where you belong. I suspect I'll have to wait at least 10 more years for that moment, and I've already been here 12.

Good luck to you.