FeelingStuck

2 hours ago, bug family said:

Thanks feeling stuck, rather apt name by the way lol......i know this feeling well, what part of Perth do you live in if you don't mind me asking?

We're near Joondalup. 

Hi RoundInCircles,

Congratulations on your decision to move home, and I am very excited for you.   I've had two recent trips back home, after 30 years in Oz, and still hanker to return one day.

I'm very much looking forward to reading about your adventures, and wish you all the very best !

On 09/12/2019 at 07:40, Chortlepuss said:

Some great advice here especially re: waiting till you’re settled to have kids. I’d be tempted to give it a little more time but beware that you could get yourself into a tricky situation. I came over to Brisbane in my 40’s over 12 years ago. If you’re used to the vibrancy of British cities it is very dull, albeit improving. My kids were young and personally I think if you have a young family, and are not so into the social side of things you can make it work. The flora and fauna are fantastic but like you, I find it wearing to drive for hours to get anywhere decent. My kids are grown up now and have had fabulous opportunities here (one is a nurse and about to buy her own house aged 25!).  I now feel stuck. I have had a great time but never stopped missing the British countryside, European travel, the weather (!) that enables you to be outside most days of the year with correct clothing. I have met a lot of nice people here through work and activities but no close friends. If I retire here, it is likely to be just me and my husband and we get on well thankfully but I miss our friends and family and the company of others.
I am so tired now of the heat and the climate has changed notably even in a decade here. I find solace in my trips home and the prospect of spending at least  part of my retirement back home. If I was alone and child free I’d be on the plane tomorrow, grateful for the experience but excited about moving on with my life! Sorry to ramble - but you need to completely enthusiastic about making it work in Australia before you commit completely - and I suspect that moving your partner over with you to the UK may not be the best outcome for him. 

Gosh, this is EXACTLY how I feel!! 

What a fantastic update!!  (The holiday bit I mean, not so much the relationship issues of course).    So glad you and your son had such an incredibly exciting and memorable trip home. 

I've managed two trips home, both in December/January, and cried when I arrived in the UK (happiness) and cried when I came back to Perth (despair).     Like you, I loved the cold weather, the buildings, the friendliness, the feeling of 'being home', etc, etc.     However my husband is Australian and my two now-almost-adult kids are Aussie born, so I can't see me returning for good unfortunately.  

I hope you can talk things through with your wife.  It's so very hard when you're both pulled in different directions. 

18 hours ago, Phoenix16 said:

This is such an interesting thread because firstly I had never ever thought about the points #marisawright has raised. Important basically. We came here living the dream and oh so niaive, we have loved every single minute up to recent points! My graduating as a Registered Nurse and actually not being able to get a job, anywhere, whatsoever, has been a blow and didn’t expect that given so many nurses still want to come out here??? Then, hubby hitting a massive health crisis, I’m not sure we do want to go home but trying times have made us truly reflect on the fact that we are all alone here. Hubby now has an auto immune disease that has a not great outlook, we get amazing treatment here (thank you HBF), but every single treatment we go through that is outpatient costs us, last month we spent over 1500 dollars on Mri’s, bone scans and xrays, it is all worth it to get seen and results so quickly, it is frustrating the results don’t lead to a resolution, we get the answers we really don’t want! I am so thankful we are able to access health treatment so quickly it’s just unfortunate for us the treatment isn’t the cure we  hoped for!! We are at a little bit of a crisis point in terms of the future, it would seem easy to go ‘home’, I’m sure with a permanent move we could easily prove our permanent residency intention in the Uk, but I don’t believe he could get the treatment he gets here and the accessibility to health care and his specialist team that we have here.  It Is the fact that we live here with no family support network that is making me reflect back on the UK, it’s not really that I miss it at all, it’s that it does feel very lonely trying to cope with all of this.  If I do really reflect, I doubt we would get anymore help in the UK, both sets of parents are elderly and coping with their own health issues, that tends to be highlighted when we call them and we end up saying ‘everything’s wonderful here, just a little auto immune thing, nothing to worry about’ but how’s  your hip, knee, leg, other body parts!!! It’s the choice we made, it’s the price we pay, but not sure if we were in the Uk we’d be getting anymore sympathy!!! Hey ho, onwards and upwards, just wanted to share, hopefully it helps with perspectives xxxxx

I'm sorry your husband has ongoing health issues   Phoenix. 

 I wonder about whether the treatment are waiting times are in fact better in Aus or not.  Everyone seems to say "oh you couldn't get in this fast to a specialist back in the UK" etc etc, don't they...., but then my dad's recently had 2 knee replacements in his 80s back in the UK, and he said the level of care he got was second to none, and didn't have a long wait time.  Obviously depends on the area of the UK you're in I guess.        And I have had to wait months to get in to see a neurosurgeon when I had bells palsy here in Perth - by the time I got in, the symptoms had cleared up!  

15 hours ago, LKC said:

The bits I've highlighted in your post are how I felt. I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly I felt, but it was a sort of deep sadness, or I suppose feelings that my feet were walking on earth they didn't belong to or something. I became disengaged, because no matter what I did, I couldn't shake those feelings. We came back to the UK for a holiday, and getting on that plane back to Australia was one of the hardest things I've ever done. So, we decided to move back. However, we didn't move 'back' exactly, because we decided that we didn't just want to end up somewhere. In the end we looked at several areas of the UK, and are now living very happily in Scotland, somewhere we've not lived before. Sadly, OH and I have separated, but every day I am thankful for the fact I live here. My feet finally feel like they are walking on earth they belong to, and I feel this weird sort of inner peace or something, that I've not felt before.

I think people sometimes underestimate the inner voice/needs/wants/desires or whatever it is inside that ties you to a place.

"Feet walking on earth where they didn't belong" - that's what I think every day.   Like I'm a visitor and somewhat unwelcome, or irrelevant or something, in what is supposed to be my home town.      And yes, the feeling of inner peace when you're back where you belong!   I'm reading a book, by Philip Marsden I think, about having a sense of belonging to a place and it's making me quite emotional!   

16 hours ago, VERYSTORMY said:

 

My wife has had on going long term dental issues. Spent over 10k in Oz after insurance. Pretty much resolved here at a cost of about 100. 

:0 :0   Gosh!  Dental/orthodontic work is eye-wateringly expensive here; private health insurance hardly makes a dent in the bill.  

2 hours ago, thinker78 said:

We swim in the sea in the UK in summer...there are plenty of places you can do that  

Well yes, I have to, I was trying to think of something you can only do here,.... and was struggling  

4 hours ago, Toots said:

Here we have oak, elm, yew, silver birch, ash, chestnut, lilacs and rhododendrons.    Love a proper tree I do.

 

That sounds lovely; I really miss the cooler climate trees. 

4 hours ago, proud preston said:

my solace is that we are not alone - many, many feel as we do. I envy Aussie’s who are born here and catch up with family. I get on with my siblings really well and miss catching up with them. Also my lovely mum has dementia and is in an aged care home - guilt and -again - grieving. Yes, I feel very guilty when I whinge about missing home as we made the choice to come here (hubby keen to  migrate - I was desperate to get out of child protection social work!) Someone mentioned CBT - and whilst not my preferred way of working in my job - the basic principles probably help.

Although we should probably pay our mortgage down we have had some great trips back to the UK - and made it a holiday. Can you do that whilst you are here? Great to be a tourist in the UK and Europe.  We live a split life - but embrace (that word again) the best of both worlds. I fell in love with Australia as a 24 year old back packer -  I felt so excited in that year I travelled this vast continent. I am determined to recapture that excitement about this sunburnt country whilst still heading toward my eventual goal of a little stone house in Lancashire, Yorkshire or Cumbria. Phew - apologies for such a long post! Find things that give you a good old belly laugh - even if it’s watching UK Live at the Apollo - and remain curious about what Aus has to offer - away from all the Americanised crap that’s crept in. All the best. You’re not alone x 

I understand about missing friends & family, although I do have my mum here, so I'm fortunate in that regard.  Dad's still in the UK.   I had a very close friend here in Perth but she returned home, and hasn't been replaced  

I am going to start counselling & CBT for myself, to try and change my thought processes and help see the positives.     In the meantime, I'm looking forward to winter lol 

20 minutes ago, Toots said:

I enjoy life in Tasmania but finding employment here isn't as easy as it is on the mainland.  Also as you don't like hot weather be careful here in the summertime.  It can get really hot in some areas of Tassie.  People are often surprised by that.  We are on the north west coast and it is a bit more temperate here.  I even enjoy the frosty, blustery and wet days during the winter here.  We came here 5 years ago and I have been lucky to make very nice friends who share the same interests.  Very glad we moved here from Sydney.  My sister from Edinburgh is staying with us for a while - escaping the Scottish winter - and she is having a lovely time but she is a city person and couldn't live here. 

I am definitely surprised that Tassie gets hot in the summer, Toots.     And yes, I can see that employment would be an issue.   I am in the healthcare sector so, with the aging population in Tassie, I was thinking I might be ok in regards to work.   

Really need to get to Tas for a holiday!

8 hours ago, proud preston said:

‘Feeling stuck’ completely empathise with your dilemma. I too seem to have been living for the last 12 years with a continued undercurrent of sadness. I remember part of my uni course -looking at grief and loss - many migrants experience ambiguous loss. Not grieving a death of a person etc but grieving something that is still there but not there (similar to the grieving when a loved one has dementia) Anyway- it’s bloody tough. I  am ok here and on the surface have a great life but deeply miss the cold, the seasons, Europe, family, trees, hills, buildings, villages etc etc. We have gone back so many times in the last 12 years to visit family and that probably hasn’t helped us at all to settle here (and I hate the heat and constant blue sky- every. single. day.) Our son is just about to start a 5 year uni course here (yikes!) I am determined that when he finishes (I will be 55!!) to go back - he and my other son may not feel the same but I think my husband does. In that  time I hope to make enough money to safely sell up here and not have to struggle in the UK and live a life we both want for our older years - not burning to a crisp! I would not want to return to the uk if it meant living in some non descript box in a bland suburb. My only suggestions (that I have to try and take up - otherwise I’m wasting my life) is to try and find some joy in the here and now - take advantage of the weather and grow veggies that we wouldn’t be able to in the uk, holiday to different states -and marvel at what Aus does have - once we are gone we may wish we’d seen Kakadu, Uluru etc. North of Perth and the country is just magnificent in it’s vastness and unique landscape. Become involved in something -uni, sport - learn a European language?! It is so hard when you both don’t have the same desire to live in the same  place. We got stuck in a rut and fear prevented us from going back. I now starkly realise (at 50 ) that life is bloody short. Good luck, trust your gut and find something that you enjoy here -whilst you’re here. Through work I have met far too many ex pats who -in their 70’s- still pine for the UK. Determined that I won’t be that older person living with longing and regret. 

  

Proud Preston, a continued undercurrent of sadness is an excellent description.  It just won't go away.  Even if I'm having fun at a dinner, or watching a comedy,  even playing with my crazy ratgbag of a dog, -  part of me is still somewhat disengaged and deeply sad.  I just can't shake it.   I feel ungrateful and guilty when so many people want to move here.

I know what you mean about not wanting to live in a bland suburb back in the UK either.  I don't want to swap one boring existence for another.  I dream of a cozy character-filled stone cottage in a village somewhere.  

I am really really trying to engage with life here.  I started a new role Monday and it's extremely demanding and busy - the advantage of that being it does keep me focussed and stops me obsessing over moving.  I'm lucky enough to be working with some lovely ladies around the same age (I'm 50 too) and think I will enjoy the job.   I do get out as much as possible and try to take advantage of all the things I won't have back in the UK - swimming in the sea for example.  

I do agree that life is bloody short, and I definitely don't want to be still feeling this way at 70 either.  

On 09/02/2019 at 05:56, Newstart said:

I could never live in Perth for the same reasons you hate. I think you do need to get out of Perth. However, I don’t think you should leave Australia just yet. Could you convience your husband to move to a different Australian state? What about Tasmania for greenery or Melbourne for the “ English type weather” .  Places in NSW like Southern Highlands has a lovely country feel. After living in the English Countryside, it’s a place I hope to have a house one day. 

You say you wouldn’t like to break up with your hubby and so I think that would be tragic,  as if you did, I think you’d find you be rather lonely in the UK and not as happy as you imagine without him. Even if your daughter returned with you, she will need her own life. It’s also not that easy to make friends right away here and you have been gone 30 years. A holiday or two is not like day to day life here.

Have a think about what kind of activities you would like to do and look into other areas in OZ that seem more exciting to you. 

 

Thanks Newstart - my husband has suggested the same thing: why don't we move states.  I appreciate his efforts but I have lived in Melbourne and, well, it's not the UK.   I haven't been to Tasmania and would certainly love to visit.  I feel that if I absolutely can't return, I might have to try Tasmania - at least it would get me away from the heat. 

I know I won't make friends straight away, wherever we go, it does get harder, especially as you get older, and definitely don't want to just hang around my daughter and be a burden  

I am planning another trip at the end of this year, and depending how that goes, will be thinking of a "trial run" in a few years time when the kids are more independant - ie getting a job for 6-12 months and seeing how I feel.  
 

On 07/02/2019 at 06:52, TazG said:

I go home to Scotland in 77 days.  It has been 11,062 days since I left Scotland and was brought to Australia by my parents.  11,062 days I have longed to be back on Scottish soil.  I am the same as you,  I hate the heat.  I am over it!  This summer especially has been insufferable for me.  My children all want to go to live in Scotland and so does my partner.  We are planning on moving later this year after my eldest has graduated grade 12.  My dad passed away in 2006 but always wanted to go home.  He never settled here.  I don't want to die with those feelings inside me also.  The yearning never goes away.  I call it displacement.    

My eldest wants to go to Uni also, I heard from a lady on FB that her daughter moved over and was accepted as a resident after a year of being back in the country.  We are hoping that happens for my daughter also.  She is going to have a gap year then apply.  My other two will slot into 2nd and 3rd year.  My only issue with it all is their father and I are divorced.  he has not seen the kids in over a year... he sends them a text once a month.  I hope he can see the move as something positive for them and not try to stop me.  

We are going to be spending 3 weeks there at Easter.  Its not really going to give us full understanding of how life will be, but it will give us some idea.  Then we will know if the move back is on or not.

 

TazG, I am so happy for you that you are finally going back to Scotland!   That's great that you're going back for the 3 weeks at Easter and I hope the trip back brings you clarity of mind. 

On 01/02/2019 at 21:28, thinker78 said:

hello. just my 2 cents/pence worth. Re your daughter- someone on here also hit that issue with their kids residency re uni -  some unis offer a bit of flexibility but in her case, her child ended up going to uni in Holland at a fraction of the cost (about 3000 quid per year as opposed to 9000)- courses taught in english etc. worth looking into although Brexit may possibly alter some things. always worth contacting unis direct re international fees. 

Thank you for that info, Thinker78.   Uni in Holland would be lovely (actually have a friend from Holland too). 

We are looking at all options for interstate / international uni fees at the moment, and will definitely contact direct for exact amounts. 

Thank you for your replies Ali, Quoll and Captain Tor    I can't figure out how to quote posts, so will reply individually.

Ali, my daughter is looking at unis in the UK, but it seems she would need to be resident in the UK for three years prior to commencement, otherwise she'd be classed as an international student.  Fair enough of course, I wouldn't expect she could just waltz up and expect a free or subsidized education.   She's just entering Yr 11 this year, so we are trying to get an idea of what international student fees would actually be.  She could possibly live with my father in the UK to avoid accommodation costs, but I believe the uni tuition fees are pretty hefty.  More research to do on that front....

Quoll, I will enquire regarding CBT.  It sounds more constructive than just talking to a therapist - in my experience I sit there wallowing and moaning, and they murmur sympathetically (and probably think what an ungrateful whinging pom I am..),  and it's all totally exhausting and non-productive.   Crying in the shower is a regular hobby lol.   

I think I'll try and sort out my own therapy and thoughts first, before I broach the idea of marriage guidance.  I'm always telling my husband he's the world's worst communicator and he won't relish the thought of speaking his heart to a therapist - heck, he hardly speaks his heart to me!  He is definitely unaware of the depth of my unhappiness - a combination of being spectacularly unaware of my feelings, and I suspect probably not wanting to acknowledge the problem.   (I'm very glad to say that my 17 yr old Aussie born son is totally different in this regard - a sensitive male - so some do exist!  )         

I'm not sure regarding the birthplace of my husband's grandparents.    His parents were definitely born in NSW, so no luck there.  I had previously looked into the spouse visa idea, but as you say, it's $$$$$ and I didn't bother reading on, as the thought of him even entertaining such an idea seems so far-fetched. 

Captain Tor, you are exactly right - having a holiday and living in a country are definitely not the same!  I'd come out here twice on holiday before actually moving, and of course when you're on holiday you do all the touristy stuff.  Wherever you live, you've got to deal with the day to day nitty gritty living stuff.  I plan to go back to the UK this year, preferably alone or just with my daughter.  When we all went in 2017, I was taking my family to all the tourist places in London, we had a week in the beautiful Cotswolds, etc, etc - so I really want to go back and just "pretend to live there"; be realistic and think about places I could actually afford to live, look into job possibilities, talk to my dad.  And see how I feel being away from my husband too I guess.   

Thank you again for the replies x

Hi Quoll, thanks for your reply.    

How lovely that your husband decided he could live in the UK - and for 7 years!!   I can only imagine the dramatic improvement in your mental/physical health.  I can see that having a decent break from Australia would indeed enable you to view a return with at least some level of equanimity. 

I have been on medication/counselling for the anxiety and depression, but not currently.   I haven't tried CBT but can see that may be helpful in trying to be more positive.  I do try and tell myself to look at the good things - notice the sun sparkling on the water, listen to the magpie carolling, that sort of thing, but I have more days when I just obsessively focus on how miserable and stuck I am.  I definitely need to stop doing this.  I am starting a busier role at work on Monday and quite honestly, I think the extra load will hopefully keep my brain too busy to obsess over things.

Marriage guidance - maybe that's an option.  Would he go.... gosh, I don't know.  Could I get my feelings across to the counselor clearly enough so that they in turn can reflect that back to him?  When I go to the doctor I tend to end up a blubbering mess lol.  Maybe I should write it down instead....

I have dual citizenship (mum was born here), but my husband was born in Sydney.  I think his grandparents are British but not 100% on that.  I haven't looked into the possiblity of him being able to live in the UK as I just can't even imagine that coming to fruition. 

The kids - well yeah, I know they could indeed end up living anywhere.  My daughter's adamant that Brighton (the UK one, not the Perth one  ) is her spiritual home.  My son is pretty happy in Perth, but did mention America as a possibility.   

And as for not being able to cuddle a country - that did make me laugh becuase do you know, I was so HAPPY to be back, I was actually hugging trees and lampposts, no joke!  I looked like a crazy woman, but didn't care!

Thanks again, and enjoy your time with your husband and parents in the UK  

Thank you for your replies, Marisa and Toots

Part of me thinks that I may just end up having to do that; choose marriage or sanity.   I will look into the pension issue mentioned, thank you.  

I plan to go back for another trip towards the end of this year.  My daughter's keen to come too, in which case I'll have to wait for the long Christmas school break; otherwise I'll try for earlier.  I will use the time to really try and imagine myself living back there -  and as pointed out, without having to worry about my husband being bored!

You've jogged my memory: I remember Quoll from last time I joined up - stuck in my head because it's such a cute name. 

Hi all  

I joined PIO back in Jan 2017, after my first trip back to the UK in nearly 30 years.  I had felt desperately homesick and unhappy for a number of years here in Perth, and was really seriously hoping the long-awaited trip home would cure me of my longing to move back, because otherwise I knew I'd have a big problem.

Unfortunately, as soon as we cleared passport control and stepped on the tube at Heathrow, I was happy as Larry.  LOVED the cold crisp air, and the immediate feeling of 'welcome home'. 

Anyway, I had a good moan on PIO once we returned to Perth, and discovered to my great surprise just how many people feel the same.  In the 2 years since our holiday back, my feelings have not changed.  I just cannot settle back in Perth, I HATE the heat, and I HATE the bland boring northern suburb where we live.  I got myself so upset reading all the posts on here that I decided to step away and de-register, but now I find I'm torturing myself again, reading people's success stories/not so successful stories of moving back home. 

I read a post - on here I think - that started like this " A feeling deep in the core of my being that I need to return to my homeland. An ache that never goes away " .   It was about missing Scotland, and I don't wanted to potentially upset whoever originally wrote that, so won't quote the whole thing, but it completely and utterly sums up how I feel.  

It's not even family I miss, it really is the place itself.   (My mum and brother are out here as well; it's just my dad and stepmum left in the UK)

I have tried to explain to my husband how I feel, but I feel I'm either not doing a very good job of getting my point across; or he just can't/won't understand.  He is a died-in-the-wool Aussie through and through, LOVES Australia, thinks it's the best place on earth, etc.  If I say I miss the little British villages and pubs, his answer is "but there are country towns and pubs in Australia".  Agreed, there are, but it's just not what I'm after - and to be honest in my opinion if you've seen one little Australian town, you've seen them all.

I don't know if we'll stay together longterm, as his ideal future is retiring and travelling around Australia in a caravan.  That's my idea of hell. 

I feel like I'm marking time in Perth, and struggling to actually engage properly.  I go to work, and try to keep busy.  I haven't managed to make what I'd consider close friends, just acquaintances and 'work friends'.

I cry a hell of a lot and have anxiety and depression. 

We've got 2 Australian born children, aged 16 and 17.  My daughter would LOVE to live in England, and said she really felt at home there.  My son, whilst he enjoyed the holiday, definitely does not want to move.  And my husband would never leave his beloved Australia, plus his large extended Australian family. 

I wonder if you have to leave a place, to really appreciate it properly?  I mean I always did like the green countryside, the sound of the dawn chorus, church bells, lovely old buildings , the history, country walks, country pubs, the English sense of humour, etc, etc, etc, but I don't think I REALLY understood how deeply attached my soul was and is to all these things until I'd been gone a few years. 

So what do I do?   Wait until the kids are off my hands, leave my husband, and move back?  I don't want us to split up; but he'll never understand my deep unhappiness.  Could I leave my then adult kids in Australia and move back?  I think it'd be too much of a wrench.  So I'm stuck aren't I 

I understand that I chose to move out here, and my husband wasn't aware I would some day want to move back.  This is not what he signed up for, I realise that.   I just wish I wasn't so unhappy and homesick.  If I could take a pill to make me just forget the UK even exists, I think I'd take it. 

Sorry for the ramblings.  I just need to get it off my chest!