FeelingStuck

We're near Joondalup.

Hi RoundInCircles, Congratulations on your decision to move home, and I am very excited for you. I've had two recent trips back home, after 30 years in Oz, and still hanker to return one day. I'm very much looking forward to reading about your adventures, and wish you all the very best !

Gosh, this is EXACTLY how I feel!!

What a fantastic update!! (The holiday bit I mean, not so much the relationship issues of course). So glad you and your son had such an incredibly exciting and memorable trip home. I've managed two trips home, both in December/January, and cried when I arrived in the UK (happiness) and cried when I came back to Perth (despair). Like you, I loved the cold weather, the buildings, the friendliness, the feeling of 'being home', etc, etc. However my husband is Australian and my two now-almost-adult kids are Aussie born, so I can't see me returning for good unfortunately. I hope you can talk things through with your wife. It's so very hard when you're both pulled in different directions.

I'm sorry your husband has ongoing health issues Phoenix. I wonder about whether the treatment are waiting times are in fact better in Aus or not. Everyone seems to say "oh you couldn't get in this fast to a specialist back in the UK" etc etc, don't they...., but then my dad's recently had 2 knee replacements in his 80s back in the UK, and he said the level of care he got was second to none, and didn't have a long wait time. Obviously depends on the area of the UK you're in I guess. And I have had to wait months to get in to see a neurosurgeon when I had bells palsy here in Perth - by the time I got in, the symptoms had cleared up! "Feet walking on earth where they didn't belong" - that's what I think every day. Like I'm a visitor and somewhat unwelcome, or irrelevant or something, in what is supposed to be my home town. And yes, the feeling of inner peace when you're back where you belong! I'm reading a book, by Philip Marsden I think, about having a sense of belonging to a place and it's making me quite emotional! :0 :0 Gosh! Dental/orthodontic work is eye-wateringly expensive here; private health insurance hardly makes a dent in the bill.

Well yes, I have to, I was trying to think of something you can only do here,.... and was struggling That sounds lovely; I really miss the cooler climate trees. I understand about missing friends & family, although I do have my mum here, so I'm fortunate in that regard. Dad's still in the UK. I had a very close friend here in Perth but she returned home, and hasn't been replaced I am going to start counselling & CBT for myself, to try and change my thought processes and help see the positives. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to winter lol

I am definitely surprised that Tassie gets hot in the summer, Toots. And yes, I can see that employment would be an issue. I am in the healthcare sector so, with the aging population in Tassie, I was thinking I might be ok in regards to work. Really need to get to Tas for a holiday!

Proud Preston, a continued undercurrent of sadness is an excellent description. It just won't go away. Even if I'm having fun at a dinner, or watching a comedy, even playing with my crazy ratgbag of a dog, - part of me is still somewhat disengaged and deeply sad. I just can't shake it. I feel ungrateful and guilty when so many people want to move here. I know what you mean about not wanting to live in a bland suburb back in the UK either. I don't want to swap one boring existence for another. I dream of a cozy character-filled stone cottage in a village somewhere. I am really really trying to engage with life here. I started a new role Monday and it's extremely demanding and busy - the advantage of that being it does keep me focussed and stops me obsessing over moving. I'm lucky enough to be working with some lovely ladies around the same age (I'm 50 too) and think I will enjoy the job. I do get out as much as possible and try to take advantage of all the things I won't have back in the UK - swimming in the sea for example. I do agree that life is bloody short, and I definitely don't want to be still feeling this way at 70 either.

Thanks Newstart - my husband has suggested the same thing: why don't we move states. I appreciate his efforts but I have lived in Melbourne and, well, it's not the UK. I haven't been to Tasmania and would certainly love to visit. I feel that if I absolutely can't return, I might have to try Tasmania - at least it would get me away from the heat. I know I won't make friends straight away, wherever we go, it does get harder, especially as you get older, and definitely don't want to just hang around my daughter and be a burden I am planning another trip at the end of this year, and depending how that goes, will be thinking of a "trial run" in a few years time when the kids are more independant - ie getting a job for 6-12 months and seeing how I feel.

TazG, I am so happy for you that you are finally going back to Scotland! That's great that you're going back for the 3 weeks at Easter and I hope the trip back brings you clarity of mind.

Thank you for that info, Thinker78. Uni in Holland would be lovely (actually have a friend from Holland too). We are looking at all options for interstate / international uni fees at the moment, and will definitely contact direct for exact amounts.

Thank you for your replies Ali, Quoll and Captain Tor I can't figure out how to quote posts, so will reply individually. Ali, my daughter is looking at unis in the UK, but it seems she would need to be resident in the UK for three years prior to commencement, otherwise she'd be classed as an international student. Fair enough of course, I wouldn't expect she could just waltz up and expect a free or subsidized education. She's just entering Yr 11 this year, so we are trying to get an idea of what international student fees would actually be. She could possibly live with my father in the UK to avoid accommodation costs, but I believe the uni tuition fees are pretty hefty. More research to do on that front.... Quoll, I will enquire regarding CBT. It sounds more constructive than just talking to a therapist - in my experience I sit there wallowing and moaning, and they murmur sympathetically (and probably think what an ungrateful whinging pom I am..), and it's all totally exhausting and non-productive. Crying in the shower is a regular hobby lol. I think I'll try and sort out my own therapy and thoughts first, before I broach the idea of marriage guidance. I'm always telling my husband he's the world's worst communicator and he won't relish the thought of speaking his heart to a therapist - heck, he hardly speaks his heart to me! He is definitely unaware of the depth of my unhappiness - a combination of being spectacularly unaware of my feelings, and I suspect probably not wanting to acknowledge the problem. (I'm very glad to say that my 17 yr old Aussie born son is totally different in this regard - a sensitive male - so some do exist! ) I'm not sure regarding the birthplace of my husband's grandparents. His parents were definitely born in NSW, so no luck there. I had previously looked into the spouse visa idea, but as you say, it's $$$$$ and I didn't bother reading on, as the thought of him even entertaining such an idea seems so far-fetched. Captain Tor, you are exactly right - having a holiday and living in a country are definitely not the same! I'd come out here twice on holiday before actually moving, and of course when you're on holiday you do all the touristy stuff. Wherever you live, you've got to deal with the day to day nitty gritty living stuff. I plan to go back to the UK this year, preferably alone or just with my daughter. When we all went in 2017, I was taking my family to all the tourist places in London, we had a week in the beautiful Cotswolds, etc, etc - so I really want to go back and just "pretend to live there"; be realistic and think about places I could actually afford to live, look into job possibilities, talk to my dad. And see how I feel being away from my husband too I guess. Thank you again for the replies x

Hi Quoll, thanks for your reply. How lovely that your husband decided he could live in the UK - and for 7 years!! I can only imagine the dramatic improvement in your mental/physical health. I can see that having a decent break from Australia would indeed enable you to view a return with at least some level of equanimity. I have been on medication/counselling for the anxiety and depression, but not currently. I haven't tried CBT but can see that may be helpful in trying to be more positive. I do try and tell myself to look at the good things - notice the sun sparkling on the water, listen to the magpie carolling, that sort of thing, but I have more days when I just obsessively focus on how miserable and stuck I am. I definitely need to stop doing this. I am starting a busier role at work on Monday and quite honestly, I think the extra load will hopefully keep my brain too busy to obsess over things. Marriage guidance - maybe that's an option. Would he go.... gosh, I don't know. Could I get my feelings across to the counselor clearly enough so that they in turn can reflect that back to him? When I go to the doctor I tend to end up a blubbering mess lol. Maybe I should write it down instead.... I have dual citizenship (mum was born here), but my husband was born in Sydney. I think his grandparents are British but not 100% on that. I haven't looked into the possiblity of him being able to live in the UK as I just can't even imagine that coming to fruition. The kids - well yeah, I know they could indeed end up living anywhere. My daughter's adamant that Brighton (the UK one, not the Perth one ) is her spiritual home. My son is pretty happy in Perth, but did mention America as a possibility. And as for not being able to cuddle a country - that did make me laugh becuase do you know, I was so HAPPY to be back, I was actually hugging trees and lampposts, no joke! I looked like a crazy woman, but didn't care! Thanks again, and enjoy your time with your husband and parents in the UK

Thank you for your replies, Marisa and Toots Part of me thinks that I may just end up having to do that; choose marriage or sanity. I will look into the pension issue mentioned, thank you. I plan to go back for another trip towards the end of this year. My daughter's keen to come too, in which case I'll have to wait for the long Christmas school break; otherwise I'll try for earlier. I will use the time to really try and imagine myself living back there - and as pointed out, without having to worry about my husband being bored! You've jogged my memory: I remember Quoll from last time I joined up - stuck in my head because it's such a cute name.

Hi all I joined PIO back in Jan 2017, after my first trip back to the UK in nearly 30 years. I had felt desperately homesick and unhappy for a number of years here in Perth, and was really seriously hoping the long-awaited trip home would cure me of my longing to move back, because otherwise I knew I'd have a big problem. Unfortunately, as soon as we cleared passport control and stepped on the tube at Heathrow, I was happy as Larry. LOVED the cold crisp air, and the immediate feeling of 'welcome home'. Anyway, I had a good moan on PIO once we returned to Perth, and discovered to my great surprise just how many people feel the same. In the 2 years since our holiday back, my feelings have not changed. I just cannot settle back in Perth, I HATE the heat, and I HATE the bland boring northern suburb where we live. I got myself so upset reading all the posts on here that I decided to step away and de-register, but now I find I'm torturing myself again, reading people's success stories/not so successful stories of moving back home. I read a post - on here I think - that started like this " A feeling deep in the core of my being that I need to return to my homeland. An ache that never goes away " . It was about missing Scotland, and I don't wanted to potentially upset whoever originally wrote that, so won't quote the whole thing, but it completely and utterly sums up how I feel. It's not even family I miss, it really is the place itself. (My mum and brother are out here as well; it's just my dad and stepmum left in the UK) I have tried to explain to my husband how I feel, but I feel I'm either not doing a very good job of getting my point across; or he just can't/won't understand. He is a died-in-the-wool Aussie through and through, LOVES Australia, thinks it's the best place on earth, etc. If I say I miss the little British villages and pubs, his answer is "but there are country towns and pubs in Australia". Agreed, there are, but it's just not what I'm after - and to be honest in my opinion if you've seen one little Australian town, you've seen them all. I don't know if we'll stay together longterm, as his ideal future is retiring and travelling around Australia in a caravan. That's my idea of hell. I feel like I'm marking time in Perth, and struggling to actually engage properly. I go to work, and try to keep busy. I haven't managed to make what I'd consider close friends, just acquaintances and 'work friends'. I cry a hell of a lot and have anxiety and depression. We've got 2 Australian born children, aged 16 and 17. My daughter would LOVE to live in England, and said she really felt at home there. My son, whilst he enjoyed the holiday, definitely does not want to move. And my husband would never leave his beloved Australia, plus his large extended Australian family. I wonder if you have to leave a place, to really appreciate it properly? I mean I always did like the green countryside, the sound of the dawn chorus, church bells, lovely old buildings , the history, country walks, country pubs, the English sense of humour, etc, etc, etc, but I don't think I REALLY understood how deeply attached my soul was and is to all these things until I'd been gone a few years. So what do I do? Wait until the kids are off my hands, leave my husband, and move back? I don't want us to split up; but he'll never understand my deep unhappiness. Could I leave my then adult kids in Australia and move back? I think it'd be too much of a wrench. So I'm stuck aren't I I understand that I chose to move out here, and my husband wasn't aware I would some day want to move back. This is not what he signed up for, I realise that. I just wish I wasn't so unhappy and homesick. If I could take a pill to make me just forget the UK even exists, I think I'd take it. Sorry for the ramblings. I just need to get it off my chest!