owensfamily

Mea culpa - I guess I was misled by the "how to convince your 81 yr old mother" title. My argument is that she shouldnt need convincing and if you need to convince her then that is tantamount to bullying. I dont know you, I'm sure you're a fabulous son but I do get angry (and bear in mind you are not the first, so you are copping some of the angst from previous posters!) when someone wants to "convince" an elderly relative to move to the other side of the world just because they want to go but cant face leaving their parent. I do think it is cruel to uproot someone from all that they have established over a very long lifetime and transplant them in a foreign (and alien) country - of course most doting children think they are doing it for the "best" - doesnt always turn out that way. Most old animals want to return to their roots to die and we are generally no exception I feel.

 

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and regrets are a waste of time so dont bother with them whichever way you jump.

To convince someone is not bullying, do lawyers bully a jury into a decision, no they present the facts and let them make their decision, I was looking for advice on how families had approached this, such as getting them involved in the decision making process etc as was constructively suggested by Leah1921. The fact that others have angered you should not have any bearing on my post, if you'd bothered to find out a bit more about my situation then maybe you too could have offered some valuable advice rather than accuse me of being a bully and how unreasonable I am to expect my mum to up sticks and move to the other side of the world which if you read my responses thats not actually what I'm expecting her to do, I'm actually expecting her to listen to my feelings, thoughts and ideas about moving to Australia, the life and opportunities that we would all have, how she could be involved in this adventure with the all the support we could give her, if she doesnt feel she can do that then as I have said several times then we will not go, so if you can't be bothered to read what I'm actually saying in my posts and wish to continue with your negativity feel free, I'll just ignore you. If however you can offer prudent advice based on what I'm asking and to be fair you have suggested some pertinent points I'd be happy to listen

At 81 my parents would have told me to mind my own business if I started organizing their lives and bullying them into doing something they had said they didn't want to do. I would be ropeable if in another 15 yrs my kids start trying to organize my life if I hadn't asked them. Bottom line - either go or don't and live with the consequences of your decision. Life's like that, sadly.

Quoll, it must be very hard caring for a parent with dementia and I have every respect for you that you doing that however please do not accuse me of trying to organise my mums life and I take particular offence that you suggest I'm trying to bully her! You know nothing about the relationship between myself and my mum, you know nothing about us as people - I always put my family first so don't you dare accuse me of bullying someone who means so much to me!

Also if my kids came to me in 15 years and said they wanted to move to Australia or Timbuk-bleeding-tu, whether I agreed with them or not I would do my upmost to help them achieve that even if it was at my detriment.

Bottom line is - we will go if its right for my family as a whole

Hi Im in QLD but also a Gym coach, my daughter does 12 hrs a week and is training for Level 6, she is hoping to go to States this year as Level 5 but Gym Qld havent released a qualifying score yet so we are competing 'blind' at the moment, her fee's are around $450 per term based on a 10 week term, Registration is $65 per year. Australia had big changes this year with the WAG programme and the whole curriculum changed, including routines,some skill execution and scoring etc.

 

Waverley is a good club and well heard of so you wouldnt go far wrong being there. This is the official gymnastics website for that area. It will give you access to all the clubs around there and also archived scores if you want to see who are bringing in the top scores at Sanctioned comps, http://vic.gymnastics.org.au/

Are you going to get your accreditation converted and coach over here?

 

Cal x

Hi Cal, appreciate the information. When we were in Sydney then assessed her and put her in the IDP for her age and overall it appeared gymnastics is taken far more professionally than back here in the UK especially for kids that want to do more than just rec gym. I think in Sydney it was working out to be around $700 per term so if the costs are anything like QLD in VIC then I'd be happy, although I did look at some of the comp leotards for Waverley $330!!! and I thought the £65 we paid for the last one here to be expensive.

I would love to carry on coaching but it depends on how it works with the employment I get, it works well know as my job is pretty flexible - how do the qualification converted, is it just praticals? or logbooks as well?

We maybe moving to Melbourne in Jan next year and I've been looking at activities for our two daughters, Ella is a 8 year old keen gymnast who currently trains 14 hours a week and competes at Regional level, Jess is a 10 year old who adores horse riding which she does at least once a week.

When we validated our visa's almost two years ago, we went to Sydney, Ella went to gymnastics for the three weeks we were in Sydney and the facilities were amazing. Jess went horse riding too and again great facilities. We loved Sydney but are looking at Melbourne as it seems more affordable and I think the climate would suit better.

So gymnastics first - what are the best clubs - not just facilities but how the club is run, coaching (I'm actually a qualified Gym coach too), costs? I've looked at Waverley and they look really good does anybody have any kids there?

Horse riding - Valley Park Riding - anybody use them or other options in Melbourne? Again feedback if you have used them would be great

How keen is your hubby? Would he be a bit teed off if you suddenly decided you didn't want to go 'cos you couldn't leave your Mum?

LOL...I'm the husband but my wife is of the same opinion as me, living in Australia is something she'd like to experience but its not the end of the world if we don't go, she certainly doesn't think we should leave without my mum agreeing that she would come and visit. However we both agree we'd probably regret not taking the opportunity buy that's life sometimes it doesn't work out as you want.

You'd probably get 20 days annual leave,so it wouldn't be that restricted to visit the UK.

Thanks, that's good to know. It would certainly be something we would do, perhaps not every year but at least every other.

Have you thought about visiting your mum rather than her visiting you ?

I'm sure that would happen but we would both be working so holidays are restricted around that, for when we are apart my mum does have an iPad (which initially she didnt want, said she'd never be able to use and was a waste of money - she now uses it everyday playing scrabble, surfing the net, face timing her granddaughters) so we also have that means of communication when we are apart.

I'm sure you could fly with your Mum to make it easier and see how she manages to give you all an idea

I really hope you can solve this dilema for your family to be all happy wherever you end up

Thanks Howard, I think that is definitely an option although I'd make sure mum was in Business, part of her issue is the practicalities about finding her gate, the transfer etc... If she flew with us then they go away, the alternative being engaging the airport or who you are flying to provide assistance or another option would be to fly out with my wife's parents who are much younger

I'm sure all of you have responded with statements around my mum is too old, should you really be making her do this, etc... are just trying to be realistic and offer genuine advice about the issues but there appears a real agenda of negativity from some. I'm simply looking for others who have had similar experiences with their parent(s) and how they approached/ resolved or didnt resolve the issue of them not wanting to come and visit, maybe if I hadn't mentioned her age I would have received a response to my OP rather than a list of reasons why I shouldn't be trying to "persuade" her because she is too old. I appreciate she is getting on in life, I appreciate the journey is not the greatest, I appreciate the difficulties if events back in England result in having to fly back - my father died suddenly when I was 25, I was on holiday in Ibiza at the time and it wasn't fun and it took me two days before the insurance could find me a flight home and that was only Ibiza!

However one thing life has taught me is make the best of what you have, if we go to Australia it will only be with the support of my mum and fact that she will visit, if we don't go I have a great life in the UK and long may it continue - I personally think if you go to Australia in the hope all your problems will be solved your setting yourself up for a shock, as I said in and earlier post its an opportunity, an adventure and something we'd like to try

My post offered a practical trip to make the journey more palatable for an 81 year old and great to hear that this is an option.

 

As to the rest, I have made no comment on what your mother would prefer or what is better for her, so stop being so defensive, it is you that said she didn't want to visit, not me!

 

Or are you implying your mother is too old to have her own mind now? I wonder if you are trying to sooth your guilty conscience about leaving her and are struggling with that, well I am afraid every migrant has to leave people behind. If you can't stand the heat...

Bungo, a lot of what I wrote was in response to Quoll - I also addressed it to you as you had quite rightly mentioned travelling Business maybe more suitable, however your final paragraph in your response above is quite frankly unnecessary and inflammatory - my mother is more than capable of making up her mind, I'm not guilty about leaving her because as I've stated several times Australia or any location is not as important to me as my mum hence I won't be leaving her

That's ok,Im over the worse of it now (Mum died last Aug).So let me get this right?You want to move to Australia,but won't unless your Mum visits you for extended periods?Thats a lot of pressure on your Mum isn't it?If you are that close to your Mum,it might be best to re think this move,because in between her visits,are you going to cope ok?Or be worried sick?From my own experience,as time went on,and Mum got older,being 10,000 miles away was quite difficult.

Your points are all valid and I don't have the answers because I can't predict the future, I'm just trying to do what is best for my family i.e. my wife and daughters and my mum, Australia is not the be all and end all - its an opportunity, and adventure a chance to try something different, we may hate it and be back after a year but equally my mum if I could convince her to visit it may come over, love it and never want to return....and the problems around contributory visa occur!

Owensfamily,so how are you going to feel if your Mum decides she will never visit?I left my Mum in Oz,and came to the UK to live.At no point did I expect my Mum to visit us (I also brought over my aussie kids)and she never did visit us.I visited her though.Maybe that's something you might need to accept.Last year I took a career break to spend time with my then 83 yr old Mum,and 2 mths into the break,she died suddenly.What have I learnt about all this?That people are more important than places.

Sorry you have lost your mum but as I said in my first post "going and my mum not visiting for extended periods is not an option." and in my second post "my mum is more important to me than living in Australia" i.e. we would not go to Australia if my mum says she won't come and visit its as simple as that. I agree with you completely people are more important than places, thats why I want constructive advice from people who have been in a similar situation and how they dealt with trying to get across why you want to go to Australia and why you want them to still be a very important part of your life

Bungo, Quoll I appreciate what you are saying and my mum is more important to me that living in Australia however equally IMHO I'm not actually asking that much of her, she would have to "endure" an uncomfortable trip once in 3 months, she is in the fortunate position to be able to travel business class or even a 45 day cruise on the Queen Elizabeth to get to Oz. The life she has here revolves around my family and in particular her grand daughters, why you think being able to spend more time with the family she cares about so much in a climate far more conducive to good health as opposed to stuck in her house in the UK on her own would be classed as comparative penury I have no idea.

hi, sorry to hear of your dilema. Our situation is similar and here's how we are dealing with it, but it's not been easy....

 

We validated in August 2014, and plan to move May 2016 to Perth. Mum had always said that she would spend 6 months here in the UK and six months with us in Oz. My brother is in the UK and no plans to follow us. (he's not got kids) we have two kids, 12 and 14 who see my mum almost every day and have a great relationship with her she lives on the next road to us and eats with us most nights unless she is out with friends, she has a good circle of friends, she is 67.

 

Anyway, after lots of talks about the practicality of leaving her house for 6 months at a time and not having us on hand each day, I call her every morning on my way to work just to make sure she is alive!!!! She agreed to move, so she is in the process of buying a two bed retirement apartment in our town, great location (bus routes etc) lots of people her own age, lots of activities going on, and her home will be safe whilst she is gone visiting us. Plus it givs me peace of mind that she wont be on her own while she in the UK. (My brother sees her once a week).

 

So, we have sold our house and will be moving into my mums and renting that from her, to give her an income and also gives us the flexibility to leave when we are ready rather than being tied into a bond.

 

I've kept her up to date with all our house hunting on line, showing her all the options of houses, the suburbs we like and the high school we want the kids to go to so that she feels part of the process. I'm trying to make this just as much about her potenttial future as it is about ours. We hope to buy after about 6 months and are looking at houses with either built in granny flats or with enough land we can build a log cabin type unit for her.

 

So, thinking ahead, she now plans to visit every 6 months until she can apply for a Contributory Parent Visa and ultimately move with us, again we have been looking on line for retirement village appartments for her as I need to know that she will be able to have an independant life with access to an instant social life and friends etc. We have also been talking to her friends so that they are all looking forward to holidays to visit her.

 

I guess what I'm doing / have done is the same as I had to do with my husband and kids, and that's sell her my dream until it has become her own. Clearly anything can happe between now and then, but I think I am about as planned as I can be.

 

Hope this helps

 

Laura xxx

Thanks Laura, sounds like you have it well and truly planned...I just need to get the ball rolling with her and start to introduce the ideas

It's crunch time....we validated in November 2013 and have until November 2017 to get to Oz, a window of opportunity has come up and leaving Jan 2016 would be a good option, however I have a very big sticking point....my mum. If we go now she will be on her own, we will be taking her two grandchildren away from her and they are basically her life, when we came back from our validation trip at the end of 2013, she wouldn't really talk about us leaving and although she would never stop us I know leaving her would be devastating for her, but at the time she had said she would come out and visit plus she had my older sister back here, unfortunately my sister passed away suddenly in January this year and my mum is now point blank refusing to travel.

Our Australian adventure was something we always wanted to do and we worked very hard to be in a position to get a PR visa, taking over 4 years to be granted and at this moment a lot of things such as work, finances, school ages for kids etc have lined up that going in the next 6-8 months would work very well but going and my mum not visiting for extended periods is not an option.

I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone been in a similar situation, how did you handle it? I'm thinking I need to sit down with her and run through everything with her and make her understand what it means to us and how we work around her fears about coming to visit, the plane journey etc.. but at the moment I'm dreading that conversation