Bereftmum

I don't know what I would have done without this forum over the last few weeks. When I was first told that my son was emigrating in August I just fell apart, but gradually through reading the replies and responses on here to my original post I have come to realise that first of all my feelings are normal, and secondly I will get through it! Most importantly, I have realised that immersing myself in my own grief was not helping my relationship with my son, who had stopped visiting so much, probably because he couldn't handle my emotions. Although it's really hard, I am doing my best to hide the worst of my feelings and most importantly, to be happy for him. I think Ali said something very profound in her post - that she was grateful to her Dad that he trusted her enough to make her own decisions (about emigrating). I know I have to trust my son to make his own decisions and I have to believe that they are the right ones for him.

As far as I, personally, am concerned, it's reassuring to know that so many Mums out there feel or have felt like me. Even if we believe our children are doing the right thing, there is nevertheless an element of grief in them going to live the other side of the world and however useful Skype is, it's not the same as a hug! All the same, so many of you are looking at the benefits and ignoring the downside - it's hard not to be influenced by all your optimism so I AM hopeful for the future and hope when my son actually does leave I will be able to be strong and positive.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to me - you have all given me something to think about, or some different angle on the situation. I hope as the months tick by to August I will continue to get support and insight from you all. It's so nice to know that you all understand.

Thank you so much for your reply , it is comforting to know i am not the only person feeling like this i have had a terrible day today trying to hold myself together and cant imagine what tomorrow will be like at the airport. I to will continue to post and let you know how i am doing as i hope you will to. The pain at the moment is intence but i am trying to put my bravest face on ( not easy at all) so as to help my son as he will feel worse seeing me keep crying. We are out for a meal tonight with my other two children and i dont even feel like food at the moment . I will let you know anything i can that will be of help like skype i am a novice at this to though i have used it before so between us we can muddle through we could message via facebook or e mail if that is any help other than that i will continue to use this thread . Take care xxx

Sandra I have PM'd you. My thoughts are with you today - try and be strong, for yourself and for your son. And take comfort from wherever it's offered. Be gentle on yourself today. xxx

I know how much my parents miss me but I really hope they never felt like this! Truth is that they probably do but hide it well as thats how they have always been wth me..they do what makes me happy...however if they sincerely said to me that it hurt too much me being so far away then I would go back...so I think its important to tell your son how you feel but not overload..he may still go as aus can be like an itch that needs scratched but at least you are all open wth each other...I hate that my parents never tell me how they really feel due to not wanting to upset me! Im trying to save for them to visit and me and my mum like old fashioned letters so we write to each other and it has brought us closer as we say things in letters we wouldn't face to face and really open up about our lives, hopes etc, its therapeutic! I think of them everyday, I feel like they are kind of here wth me, they equiped me wth the tools and values that got me here and resulted in me doing well here so I dnt feel apart from them. Your son may not stay forever either and when u do see him you will have so much to share and catch up on. How you feel is normal...i have been put off having kids incase they put me through the heartbreak of emigrating lol theirs nothing you can do as it can be such a life enriching experience for them. Well done for raising him to be brave and independent, how sad would it be to see your child have so much potential but have clipped wings?

I'm sure your parents DID feel devastated when you left. However we (as parents) have to try and hide our feelings to some extent so as not to make our kids feel guilty and thereby spoil the good relationship we have with them. You say you hate that your parents never told you how they really felt, yet maybe they were trying to spare you their pain. They have done brilliantly at letting you go, and as you say, you have done well out there, so I hope they feel happy for you. I agree that it would be awful to know that your child wanted to emigrate, yet did not go because of you. They have to do what they have to do! And much as it hurts me, I know that is true and when my son leaves for Oz in August I hope I can practice what I preach!.

He will have a better life. And it's his life, not yours

It's because of people like you that I have never posted on a forum before and may not again. Your comment was not helpful. I am well aware that it is my son's life - hence my post asking for help in dealing with MY feelings so as not to burden him with my emotions. Anyway fortunately there are many good people on here who have been incredibly supportive so I will keep posting, knowing that you are in a tiny minority.

Sandra - my heart goes out to you as I just can't imagine how I will feel when tomorrow is the d ay MY son leaves for Australia. It will be my turn in August and as each month goes by I feel my sense of panic rise. I know I have to let him go and live his own life ( as you know too) but it doesn't lessen the pain of loss. Please do keep posting how you are doing. People have told me it helps to think of things to do for you and to keep busy. For myself, I have applied to the Voluntary Service to see if I can be of help to anyone. Maybe I. Helping them I will also help myself. Please let us know if you find Skype helpful or if you have a cheap phone package (which one?) I'd love to private message you - not sure how as am new to this forum as well. Good luck my dear and be strong.

a

I can feel your pain ...This is the first time i have been on a forum so its all a bit new to me. My 27 year old son emigrates to Oz on Wednesday and my heart is breaking i am going to miss him so much i am holding it together at the moment but i can feel my emotions building . I feel like i am grieving and can feel my heart aching when i think of him not here anymore . I know it happens to lots of parents and just hope by reading others experiences that i may find some comfort . I want whats best for him and to be happy , but i will miss him so much i feel so miserable and down at the moment like i will never smile again

Having just said goodbye to my mum this made me cry.

I am so thankful to all who replied to me. I was feeling like I was the only person in the world to go through this but I see there are lots of you and most importantly, you have all survived! I am still very scared of the feelings I have to go through before I can accept this. To start with I have to get to August when he leaves and every day nearer to August feels like a bell tolling. Then once he has gone I have to get used to his absence. This seems to be overwhelming and all I can see ahead is a year full of pain.

As for the "guilt trip" - I hope I never make my son feel guilty because of my feelings, but isn't it important to be true to my feelings or do you have to shut them away and only cry when alone? Is it wrong for him to see that I'm upset? As you can see, I haven't really worked out how to handle this and really don't know how to deal with how I feel. The last two nights I have woken in the night crying and got into quite a state last night when whichever way I looked at the situation I couldn't see how I was going to cope. I do have 2 other children here which is a blessing, but I shan't miss the emigrant son any less because of them. They each have a place in my heart and my heart feels like it's breaking right now.

I'm still not sure how to use this forum - I have never used one before so I hope I don't lose this thread and all your replies. Thank you all for your help.

As I write this my heart is breaking as my dear son is moving to Australia in August. I would not stop him going but am struggling to know how to deal with the feelings I have - it feels like a bereavement. I don't have much money so visiting will not be possible. It feels like he is just walking away from my life. My friends will soon be fed up with me continually bursting into tears as I hear stories of THEIR offspring getting married and having babies and all not too far away. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself but want to know how I can feel better and therefore not be such a drudge to my son. Any other mums out there been through it and therefore with wise words of advice? Thanks