twopassports

Thanks Bob, I like your "old school". Good on you for doing what needed to be done for yourself and your family.

No your comments weren't rude at all, just accurate. Many thanks for all the concern and advice; it is much appreciated and has helped me through a rather trying day.

That's a scary thought but leaving without me would certainly say a lot.

Yes I would say in some situations I think he's not mentally tough enough and despairs too easily. A bit if a drama queen at times! It can make him a bit selfish; very sensitive to his own feelings but not enough to mine. That said, I could probably emote more rather than trying to hold it in so much. I just see things that need to be dealt with, so I'd rather get on with it and be all 'feely' later, if it's even necessary by then. Good point about the money spemt getting here; I'll tuck that away for later. A friend had a good suggestion tonight: when the timing is right I should sit down with my husband and ask him where he wants to be in life in 2 years time. That way we can be clear on what we both want and if it's the same things, then discuss the best way to achieve that. He might come to see that some, if not all, of those things would be achievable here. If they aren't I guess we find another solution. I've always understood that despite our very different personalities we've essentially wanted the same things in life, that's why we've lasted this long through tough times. He's just not a very good planner and tends to 'wobble' on decisions more than I do.

I've nothing bad to say about Heidelberg or Ivanhoe - I don't know Doncaster East so can't comment. Yes the skilled visa situation does sound a bit misleading. I'm glad you've found a job and a city that floats your boat.

Thank you, I hope your husband finds work soon. As someone commented before, my husband has migrated once already, so I don't know why he thought it would be a walk in the park. What was he expecting? Still, we are in a much better position than the last time, and I think he should keep that in mind.

We moved because I always wanted to try being back in my home country and to be closer to my parents, at least for a few years. My husband was more excited about moving than me at one point. There was also the fact that we weren't really getting anywhere with life in London and want to start a family - something that felt more difficult over there. After ten years of running to stand still we felt a change was needed. I'm definitely aware of the upsides- space, more sunshine, family, friends, the fresh air etc., I just think my husband has got himself into an emotional funk and so all he can see at the moment are negatives. He's not a planner or a big picture thinker, which I am, so it can be hard to relate at times. He can't really enjoy anything unless certain basic living requirements are in place, i.e. job and house. Yes the weather isn't great at the moment but I wouldn't call this the middle of winter - it's nearly September after all. Coming later wasn't a choice as his visa required first entry by mid August. Hopefully once the weather picks up it'll cheer him up a bit.

thanks Bobj. I know he's stressed out but I often wish he'd grow up just a little bit!

Haha gee thanks for that! Yes I am quite aware time is ticking - hence my stress at the prospect of being alone aged 35! My Mum lives in Canberra. My husband can't stand that city and frankly neither can I, except for a short visit. Also, the security restrictions on his job are difficult in the ACT and there aren't many jobs going in that field there.

Thanks Pom Queen. He does feel that he needs to provide and is terribly frustrated when he can't. Truth is, he did have some work on last week and this week is undertaking a training course, so I am optimistic about his chances. I'm not sure the initial jobs will be paying what he was getting before of course, but it will be work at least and keep him occupied and money coming in. I can work and am currently looking myself, so I am definitely not expecting him to support me. He has never had to do so in the past anyway - it has only ever been the other way around!

Thanks for all the replies. It is certainly giving me something to think about. I think regardless of Melbourne or London, we need our own space, so flat-sharing is definitely out. We can afford to rent in an inner suburb like Thornbury/Brunswick/Coburg. Renting a 1-bed flat in a decent area of north London is around the same price as renting a 2-3 bed house here in a similar area. In terms of getting on the property ladder, that felt pretty impossible in London, whereas we might just be able to do it here in a couple of years, depending on how much more the market goes up and what we can save. The starting prices are about the same I guess, but instead of a 1-bed shoebox with no garden in London you might get a 2-bed flat or house with outside space in Melbourne for a comparable area, so I'd feel a lot less resentful paying a mortgage in Australia. Bungo, in terms of upheaval, I guess what my husband was saying is that he doesn't want to move to Brisbane or similar for work only to have to move again in a year's time and have to get to know a new city all over again. It's true we might enjoy Brisbane and want to stay, but I can't guarantee that either. I was born there and spent a lot of my childhood there visiting relatives, so I know it quite well and, whilst I like it in some ways, I don't think it's right for me long term, and I can't see it being bustling enough for him either. He liked Melbourne last time he was here and preferred it to Sydney or Canberra (not hard I guess!); I think it's mainly the situation he's not dealing with at the moment. I guess I'll just have to do what I can to improve the situation as it stands and hopefully, if we get a few things sorted out, he'll be in a calmer frame of mind and able to discuss a more realistic timetable. At one point he said he'd prefer to stay in Melbourne and get some rubbish job for 12 months than move to another state to work in his field (he's in security installation). I'm just getting whiplash from him saying one thing one day, another thing the next. I can't keep up with it and find it emotionally exhausting and hard to concentrate on making plans. The reality as I see it is that moving back to London won't improve a thing for us financially and although he would have better job prospects right at this moment, I'm not sure it would be better long term anyway. We certainly wouldn't be able to save any more money there as we've committed to the idea of no more flat-sharing. If we tried to buy a flat/house there we'd still be pushed further into the suburbs or have to leave London altogether, and the expense of commuting for work is horrendous.

Yes I do think he feels the reality of life here was 'oversold', i.e. too many people saying he'll find a job easily, blah blah blah. He feels we've been jinxed somehow. You managed write perfectly how I feel about it being 'unreasonable' to give up so soon. It certainly has been a great deal of stress, money and time involved in getting here and seems such a waste to throw it away. My husband is not a great communicator, and I honestly can't recall him ever stating a timeframe himself. Whenever we talked about it, either together or with others, I would mention that if we don't like it we can come back - after a couple of years! So that was the minimum timeframe I always had in mind, and he never contradicted it. If he thought otherwise it would have been nice to know beforehand, as I might have had second thoughts about shipping all our stuff!

I agree, and hope we are both right about that!

Thanks rosiew. I agree about a timeframe. I talked to my husband about this last week and he upped his cut-off from 3 months to 4 months, but we didn't really get a chance to discuss it properly as he was feeling unwell and definitely not in the right frame of mind, so I didn't want to push. I would feel a lot better about 6 months - even better about a year as I don't think it's realistic to expect to settle in a new place so quickly. If he had a decent job within 6 months and we had a place to live I suppose I would be quite annoyed if he still wanted to call it quits so soon. I've been away from my country for a long time and in some ways I guess I feel he owes it to me/our marriage to make a go of things. At least in London he was able to visit his parents twice a year - not so easy for me! Who knows, maybe in a year or two I'll have the "moving back to Australia" idea out of my system anyway - I just don't know if he'll give me the time to get there anyway. I love this country but there are plenty of things I don't like about it, and I can agree with some of my husband's views on that. At the moment though, I just feel like it's what I need and I can see us having a brighter future here, at least for the next few years. At the moment he can't see that though. Hopefully we will find a rental soon. Shared housing is out of the question, as that's part of the problem at the moment and was a promise we made upon moving here that we wouldn't end up in that situation again. Staying with our friend is only temporary but even with that my husband finds it difficult - he needs is own space and freedom and hates to be in someone else's house, which I can understand to a degree. He's also very conscious of being a 35 year old man without a house of his own etc. I have thought about getting some counselling, but I'm not sure he'd be willing (very stubborn!) and I fear it just might add to the weight of problems to deal with at the moment, like I'm putting some further demand on him.

Thanks FlagOfConvenience. We are in Melbourne and I'm looking at renting in the inner city suburbs, but just not sure it'll be possible to get all the ducks in a row by my partner's 3-4 month deadline, or even if he'll like it if I do. I'm trying to find my own work and build a life for us, but it's hard for me to channel my energy into that when I've got this monkey on my shoulder! It feels really hard to make commitments to jobs or leases when the possibility of it all collapsing in a few months is hanging over my head. But if I don't try it seems our life here is doomed anyway. I too prefer to live somewhere were I can walk to the shops etc. For me the car is really only something I want for weekends away etc. We were in Zone 2 north London before so of course this is a bit of a shock - I have always hated the 'burbs too. I wouldn't want to live in the CBD though; I prefer inner suburbs with a 'village' atmosphere. Moving to Morocco is not an option for me, but I don't think that would be my husband's choice either - he has probably changed too much to fit back in there. I love visiting and I love my husband's family, but it's not the most comfortable place for a european woman; I would always stick out like a sore thumb (red hair!) and would also have to learn the language properly. Probably next to 0% chance of my finding a decent job there and there is little intellectual/artistic life to be had (I'm an artist so that's a priority).