Guest scubabud Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 just had my daughter come and tell us she's decided not to come with us after all, I'm totally deverstated as we fly to Perth on Saturday, can't beleive she has waited till now to say she's not coming, everything we have is already out there as we sent out container 6 weeks ago so we would have all our belongings as soon as we arrive, not going now is not an option but how do I leave her here. sorry for any mistakes cant see throught the tears Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SHANO7 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 How sad. How old is your daughter ? Maybe its just last minute wobbles . Fingers crossed she will be fine. Try and remind her about all the things she thought would be exciting Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scubabud Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 thanks Shan, she's 21 and got a new bf said she doesn't want to leave him, what happens 6 months down the line when they break up and she's stuck here and we're half way around the world Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JTD Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Maybe it is just cold feet and she needs some reassurance? What did she say her reasons are for not wanting to go? I hope it all works out for you. Can you convince her, considering everything is already packed and sent and paid for, to come out and give it a try? Tell her not to make any decisions until she gives it a go...... Good luck :hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole Eire Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Gosh I really feel for you, it's an emotional time preparing for the big move without unexpected events like this....:hug: I would explain to her that it's too late for sudden decisions, and she has to come with you for 2-3 months at least. I know it's hard at that age, because it feels like true love. If it is...he'll follow and maybe you could offer to pay for a holiday for him after the 2/3 months (which should hopefully sort itself out:wink:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sioban Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 You poor thing - things are stressful enough without this. What about saying that as all your things are on there way to Australia she will have to come with you so that she can get them? Hopefully once she gets there she will see how great it is and not want to come home. I agree that offering to have the boyfriend come over is also a ploy which I would try - once she is in Oz there is a greater chance of her changing her mind. I would reckon that the softly, softly approach would be best (I know emotional blackmail always worked for my mum)! All the best - fingers crossed for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scubabud Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 thanks for the replies guys, we've tried all that asked her to just come and think of it as a holiday so she can see for herself that we are settled and we're we are living, even offered to pay for him to come over for a holiday after a month or so and if she feels the same she can fly home with him, she said she needs to think about it and will give us her decision later today but in my heart of hearts I know she won't be coming with us Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 She's 21 so she can do what she wants. Has she validated her visa? If not, then I would gently try and get her to validate so she keeps all her options open - even if you pay for an immediate turn around ticket for her. She's an adult so she can make her own decisions and TBH it's your dream it may not be hers! No reason to expect her to be going with you at all really. I wouldnt be engaging in blackmail or anything else - it's her life and she can do with it what she wants. Kudos to you for raising an independent and free thinking adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest59177 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 She's 21 so she can do what she wants. Has she validated her visa? If not, then I would gently try and get her to validate so she keeps all her options open - even if you pay for an immediate turn around ticket for her. She's an adult so she can make her own decisions and TBH it's your dream it may not be hers! No reason to expect her to be going with you at all really. I wouldnt be engaging in blackmail or anything else - it's her life and she can do with it what she wants. Kudos to you for raising an independent and free thinking adult. Actually, while her being an adult means she can make her own decisions, it also means she has to pay for her own upkeep. It's an ageless rule really. If you want to flaunt your independence, you find your own place and make your own money. Otherwise the parent IS the boss... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewebweazel Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 She's 21 so she can do what she wants. Has she validated her visa? If not, then I would gently try and get her to validate so she keeps all her options open - even if you pay for an immediate turn around ticket for her. She's an adult so she can make her own decisions and TBH it's your dream it may not be hers! No reason to expect her to be going with you at all really. I wouldnt be engaging in blackmail or anything else - it's her life and she can do with it what she wants. Kudos to you for raising an independent and free thinking adult. Although I agree with your first paragraph and that she is an adult and can make her own decisions, I don't agree that Scubabud should not expect her daughter to go with her. To wait until 2 days before leaving to drop a bombshell like that is not acting like a responsible adult, clearly she is not thinking about the cost of the visa + Airfare that has already been forked out as well as her parents expectations. She should have piped up at the beginning of the process that she didn't want to go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scubabud Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 thanks Weazel, we never forced any of our kids to come with us we gave them both the opportunity to stay in the UK as they are both over 18, it was their decision to come with us and at every stage of the process including booking the flights we asked are you sure you want to come with us and she has always said yes I just cant beleive she has waited till 2 days before travelling to say I'm not coming, all I would like is for her to at least come and see what its like is she wants to then come back here I have no problem. We all know our own kids and I know her, I cant even go the shops without her phoning me to see how long I'm gonna be and she went on her 1st holiday without us earlier in the year and was phoning every day she wanted to come home coz she missed us. She is independant in a lot of ways and very strong willed but also is very close to me and her dad and gets upset if she doesnt see us every day. I just worry that within a week she will realise she has made a mistake and like idiots we'll be the one to have to fork out for another flight for her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moldec1999 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 It's a difficult decision and I feel for both of you . I was faced with something similar 15 years ago except I was in your daughters situation. Everyone was leaving for oz and I had met a new man... Ok I didn't leave it till last min to decide not to go more like 6 months. I am now married to that man for 10 years and we have 2 wonderful children and we are only now making the move!! I don't regret any decision I made and while I was only 20 I knew straight away the relationship was different . I did agree however to holiday for a month but thought I'd never get back home ... Can her flight be hanged for a months time?? It really is an awful decision and heartbreaking for u both but if u try force her she may well dig in her heels and refuse to go . Not even sure if any of this helps just wanted to share and let you know we're thinking of you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest59177 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 If there is still 2 days to go then I think you can change the schedule for minimal cost. Try contacting the agency you booked with and see what they have to say. Good luck!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moldec1999 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Either way u have another flight to pay for ... Either her coming in a month or her going back home in a month ???! At least if she doesn't go she can see what life is like without u any by what u describe she'll be following on in a week!! But if she goes she may well always be wondering what she missed out on with this new man... You may just have to let her decide and hope she makes the right decision?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I'm with Quoll on that at 21, she is old enough to decide. However it is a great shame she left it till the very last minute to tell you her change of heart. I do feel for you. So long as she has validated, or will at least fly out with you, stay a week or two to have a bit of a holiday and then fly back, she at least has options in the future for a few years doesn't she? I think if she is changing her mind then this is the least she could do, after going through the entire process for it to enable her to be able to change her mind again in the future if she wants to (or even if she wants to come over with her BF it gives them more options). Seems daft to slam the door in her face and your's at this point. As for you guys, I'd go and let her make her own choices and find her own way if she remains in the UK. I know its far from easy and a real wrench, but you can't live her life for her. She is living her's and you need to go live your own. Perhaps once you are gone and she is (back) in the UK she will find things are not as she imagined and may want to come out to Aus. Or it may be good and she'll be happy in the UK. Either way, hopefully she is sensible enough to give herself options for both countries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AndyH78 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 It may be that the boy in question, knowing that she was moving to Oz, thought the idea of a fun short term relationship was a good one. When it turns out she is staying in the UK and things suddenly become a lot more serious, he may, make her decision for her. Boys will be boys........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scubabud Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I also agree with you guys, she is 21 and old enough to make her own decisions but at this late stage the very least she owes us is to come an validate the visa then she can come back and take a few years to decide what she really wants to do, I just think everything has got to me this week I was all excited about moveing to OZ then my mum got rushed into hosptial last weekend so I've been having a bad week as it is then she hits us with this bombshell, I've asked her to come just for a 2 week holiday to validate then she can fly back, most 21yr olds would kill for a free holiday she just seems totally againt the idea of even doing that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terry & Melanie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Awwww Babe....:hug: You sure don't need this right now, with everything else that you are going through. If she really has made up her mind and really won't come then you have no choice but to leave without her and hope that she sees sense and follows on later. I would try and see if you can postpone her flight till a months time and see how she feels then, at least that way if she does decide to follow on you are not forking out for another flight. i really feel for you hun, can't believe she would drop this on you at such short notice when she knows what you have been through...fair enough if she changed her mind but so last minute???? Big hugs Darl.....:hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest china Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Oh you poor things, I'm really sorry for you. I'm just guessing that if she's 21 her boyfriend is probably under 30, so could get a WHV? If she's willing to stay in the UK for him, he must be willing to consider a year in Oz? Might be a way of suggesting it to her? Good luck, and lots of hugs x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I agree with weazel, hopefully its just a case of cold feet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewebweazel Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I'm with Quoll on that at 21, she is old enough to decide. However it is a great shame she left it till the very last minute to tell you her change of heart. I do feel for you. So long as she has validated, or will at least fly out with you, stay a week or two to have a bit of a holiday and then fly back, she at least has options in the future for a few years doesn't she? I think if she is changing her mind then this is the least she could do, after going through the entire process for it to enable her to be able to change her mind again in the future if she wants to (or even if she wants to come over with her BF it gives them more options). Seems daft to slam the door in her face and your's at this point. As for you guys, I'd go and let her make her own choices and find her own way if she remains in the UK. I know its far from easy and a real wrench, but you can't live her life for her. She is living her's and you need to go live your own. Perhaps once you are gone and she is (back) in the UK she will find things are not as she imagined and may want to come out to Aus. Or it may be good and she'll be happy in the UK. Either way, hopefully she is sensible enough to give herself options for both countries. I think that you have hit the nail on the head (highlighted part), being an adult means that you have responsibilities and commitments. She has committed to going until now! Nobody is talking about slamming the door in her face what we are talking about is holding her to account for a decisions that she has made, I believe that is what a responsible parent would do! Reimbursing her parents for the money spent would be the Adult thing to do. When I was young my old man held me to account for the decisions that I made and sometimes I hated him for that but in the end he did it to teach me to stand on my own and now I know that he was Right and I was Wrong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scubabud Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Awwww Babe....:hug: You sure don't need this right now, with everything else that you are going through. If she really has made up her mind and really won't come then you have no choice but to leave without her and hope that she sees sense and follows on later. I would try and see if you can postpone her flight till a months time and see how she feels then, at least that way if she does decide to follow on you are not forking out for another flight. i really feel for you hun, can't believe she would drop this on you at such short notice when she knows what you have been through...fair enough if she changed her mind but so last minute????Big hugs Darl.....:hug: Thanks Mel, could really do with one of our coffee mornings right about now xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewebweazel Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Oh you poor things, I'm really sorry for you. I'm just guessing that if she's 21 her boyfriend is probably under 30, so could get a WHV? If she's willing to stay in the UK for him, he must be willing to consider a year in Oz? Might be a way of suggesting it to her? Good luck, and lots of hugs x Good Idea! Maybe an adult chat with the BF might also help to see his intentions........................................maybe not:') Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terry & Melanie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thanks Mel, could really do with one of our coffee mornings right about now xxxx Me too Darl....wish I could be there for you.xoxoxox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SHANO7 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 thanks Shan, she's 21 and got a new bf said she doesn't want to leave him, what happens 6 months down the line when they break up and she's stuck here and we're half way around the world Our Daughter is 18 Her chap is going to finsish his printing apprenticeship and then he is going to try and get over for 2 years on WHV . Perhaps your daughters chap can look into that. It will prove his commitment if he says no then at least your daughter knows wher she stands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.