Have visas but 16yr old Son refuses to come - so despondent

[Lurkio]

So, I've read a similar thread starter to this several times. Like it says on the tin, my 16 yr old son refuses to come and says he has arranged to live with his 15 year old girlfriend and her family we leave. My god I am in pieces. He left school this year and has spent more time with them than with us since then. He is at college and has no job or means of income. To be honest, he never has been that keen, but we got his visa anyway and crossed our fingers. Now our dream is in ruins because there is no way on earth I can even consider leaving my child here on his own. We have family here, but we aren't close emotionally (albeit geographically quite close).

Today I had the conversation that I have been putting off for a while now. I've been trying to avoid backing him into a corner where he would actually say "NO" and then feel that he can't back down. I wanted to leave him room to manouvre and change his mind without having to admit to it. He sat there trying to be all hard and said "well you are the ones who are f..ing off over the over side of the world and leaving me on my own" he sounded so lost and young. I told him that I had never thought it would come to this. I always thought he would come. It never occurred to me that he wouldn't.

We have another son of 14 who is keen and had hoped to get over before January so he could start his final years of school over in WA. Well that's not going to happen is it?

So three of us do want to go and the other one is stamping his feet. Ok, why should he have to do something he doesn't want to? But why the hell should we have to give up our hopes? Dammit, he hasn't even given it a chance. We wanted to do this for their flippin benefit as well as ours. Why wont he try it for a few months and see if he might actually like it?

So now we've sort of decided that if we do get a buyer we will sell our house and downsize to a smaller one, maybe a fixer upper and free off much of our capital, so that when we are in a position to leave we wont have to wait for a buyer again. When second son finishes his high school education in two years we will look at it again and see what position number one Son is in. By then he will be nearly 19. Still not old enough to be left alone but maybe not so much of a child and he may have grown a little by then and have come to the same conclusions that we have about the prospects in England versus Aus. If not - well, he will be an adult and will have to make his own decision and still have another couple of years before the five are up.

[Guest guest36187]

Have you all validated your visas?

[Guest Bazinga]

I'd go. He can always join you later

[Lurkio]

Now planning a break over Christmas to validate get him over there Joanne, Once there I plan to lock him in the poolhouse - and then not come back (mwhhhha mwhhaaa). Now need to hope that he will come on holiday!! Oh lord our kids are the joy and worry of our lives.

Bazinga - his Dad says not to worry cos he will come - but I know my stubborn son better than that. Do you have any kids of that age? Would you leave your 16year old on his/her own on the other side of the world?

[Quoll]

See if you can get him to validate then let him return to UK with all the support and safeguards he may need. Dont try the blackmail or force him to stay there against his wishes - that may well lose him altogether.

 

No reason to think that your dream is his dream - might be his nightmare especially at the moment. However, our kids all fly the nest at some time, yours is just doing it a bit earlier than most so let him go and hope he will fly solo very effectively.

 

Would I leave a 16 year old on the other side of the world - sure, providing s/he had a very clear support network, a plan of what they are going to do for the next x months, etc

[Lurkio]

Wise words Quoll. However he has none of these things and no idea or experience of how to fend for himself in the big real world. ps.... Not really planning on locking him in the poolhouse x

[Guest Brokenhearted]

Well if you do go, he will quickly learn how to fend for himself! And this will stand him in good stead for the future.

 

A former colleague's parents emigrated without him years ago when he was in his early twenties. They too thought he would go with them or join them at some point. He has enjoyed lots of holidays there and now they are retired they come back a lot more too. I know he was a a few years older than your son but he still needed family and he became even closer to his grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc. Have you got relatives nearby who could help?

[Guest Bazinga]

Now planning a break over Christmas to validate get him over there Joanne, Once there I plan to lock him in the poolhouse - and then not come back (mwhhhha mwhhaaa). Now need to hope that he will come on holiday!! Oh lord our kids are the joy and worry of our lives.

Bazinga - his Dad says not to worry cos he will come - but I know my stubborn son better than that. Do you have any kids of that age? Would you leave your 16year old on his/her own on the other side of the world?

 

Mine are younger but yes at that age I would. I'd get him to validate it so Nr had options but at that age yes I would leave him but make sure he knew be could come over at any time and that staying was his decision.

[2tigers]

I am guessing he is refusing to go because of his girlfriend...... have you thought to maybe pay for his girlfriend to come over for a holiday once your settled? To just bring her spends for the month and she can stay with you? She might like the idea of that! Seeing as they are both so young if probably wouldn't take long for one or both to meet someone new anyway..... just a thought!

[3FatCats]

I agree with 2tigers, and think the girlfriend thing may be intervening quite a bit. What also struck me was when you explained he had "arranged to live with his girlfriends' family". Have you spoken to these parents about the situation at all? Is it even true? One thing is sleepovers, another is having someone else's 16 year old in your house and under your responsibility, with no financial support! I would suggest a meeting between you and your DH, and the girlfriends' family, just to understand where things stand.... It is not right that he thinks there is an automatic solution out there for him if he doesn't want to come with you. He is still only 16 and you are his family...

[JoandJon]

I agree with 2tigers, and think the girlfriend thing may be intervening quite a bit. What also struck me was when you explained he had "arranged to live with his girlfriends' family". Have you spoken to these parents about the situation at all? Is it even true? One thing is sleepovers, another is having someone else's 16 year old in your house and under your responsibility, with no financial support! I would suggest a meeting between you and your DH, and the girlfriends' family, just to understand where things stand.... It is not right that he thinks there is an automatic solution out there for him if he doesn't want to come with you. He is still only 16 and you are his family...

 

Great idea - I'd go one step further and make sure the meeting is without the aforementioned kids around so you can all be brutally honest. Maybe go out (or have them over) for dinner while kids go to movies?

[AndyW]

Personally I wouldnt bother having a meeting with t'other family. Anyone that is prepared to move their 15yr old daughters boyfriend in with them aint too bright.

It will end in tears,pregnancy or probably both anyway.

Take him on holiday to oz and let him see for himself.

 

Good luck

[shirleyt]

I have a 19 year old boy that didn't want to go to Australia when we first suggested the idea, at the time he was 16 and madly in love with his girlfriend of 3 years. Before we started the process my husband asked me if we start this process and he still doesnt want to come are you prepared to leave him, I said yes but knew if it came to it I wouldn't. 16 is far too young to leave. The good news is the diffrence between a 16 year old and 19 year old lad is huge, once all his friends start Uni and move away, go on gap years etc, your son will see it for the great opportunity it is. I think if you all go on holiday and take the pressure off and leave it until your son matures a little more, the only snag being if you leave it too long your 14 year old will the start going off the idea. Good luck with what you decide!

[shirleyt]

Personally I wouldnt bother having a meeting with t'other family. Anyone that is prepared to move their 15yr old daughters boyfriend in with them aint too bright.

It will end in tears,pregnancy or probably both anyway.

Take him on holiday to oz and let him see for himself.

 

Good luck

How very judgemental, who are you Jeremy Kyle. Perhaps here parents are just scared of losing their daughter to the other side of the world.

[Lurkio]

Well I thought I was the only one who had issues with my 16 year old moving in with his 15 year old girlfriend! Today we had another conversation that ended (I think) with him agreeing to come on holiday at end October to validate. He seems to have taken on board that he may feel completely differently in 4 years and may have lost his chance. As I said, we are going to leave it until our youngest has left school after GCSE and try again. And Shirley - from your lips to mine - please god don't let it happen all over again in 2 years. The 14 year old at least is keen.

Thanks for all your replies. I've read them all and taken it all in. I hope we will all be in Mandhura in a few weeks, and I hope eldest will come round again.

Shirley - what's the situation with your 19 year old now?

[Guest thehoe5]

So, I've read a similar thread starter to this several times. Like it says on the tin, my 16 yr old son refuses to come and says he has arranged to live with his 15 year old girlfriend and her family we leave. My god I am in pieces. He left school this year and has spent more time with them than with us since then. He is at college and has no job or means of income. To be honest, he never has been that keen, but we got his visa anyway and crossed our fingers. Now our dream is in ruins because there is no way on earth I can even consider leaving my child here on his own. We have family here, but we aren't close emotionally (albeit geographically quite close).

Today I had the conversation that I have been putting off for a while now. I've been trying to avoid backing him into a corner where he would actually say "NO" and then feel that he can't back down. I wanted to leave him room to manouvre and change his mind without having to admit to it. He sat there trying to be all hard and said "well you are the ones who are f..ing off over the over side of the world and leaving me on my own" he sounded so lost and young. I told him that I had never thought it would come to this. I always thought he would come. It never occurred to me that he wouldn't.

We have another son of 14 who is keen and had hoped to get over before January so he could start his final years of school over in WA. Well that's not going to happen is it?

So three of us do want to go and the other one is stamping his feet. Ok, why should he have to do something he doesn't want to? But why the hell should we have to give up our hopes? Dammit, he hasn't even given it a chance. We wanted to do this for their flippin benefit as well as ours. Why wont he try it for a few months and see if he might actually like it?

So now we've sort of decided that if we do get a buyer we will sell our house and downsize to a smaller one, maybe a fixer upper and free off much of our capital, so that when we are in a position to leave we wont have to wait for a buyer again. When second son finishes his high school education in two years we will look at it again and see what position number one Son is in. By then he will be nearly 19. Still not old enough to be left alone but maybe not so much of a child and he may have grown a little by then and have come to the same conclusions that we have about the prospects in England versus Aus. If not - well, he will be an adult and will have to make his own decision and still have another couple of years before the five are up.

Hi just read your post and I thought we would be in your situation as we have a 16yr old daughter. We have just been with her to Oz and before we left she was saying " it's your dream not mine!" I asked her to just come and look and have an open mind and if she didn't want to go we wouldn't go....all the time thinking please like it!!! Anyway she loved it and even cried when we left...dramatic I know but that's teenage girls for you!!! Has your son been to Oz yet? he needs to see for himself how fantasic it is and he may fall for a beach babe!! teenagers can't see past their nose ( especially loved up ones!!) I'm sure it will work its self out I'm a believer in fate...what will be will be!!

Hope it works out for you :hug:

[shirleyt]

Well I thought I was the only one who had issues with my 16 year old moving in with his 15 year old girlfriend! Today we had another conversation that ended (I think) with him agreeing to come on holiday at end October to validate. He seems to have taken on board that he may feel completely differently in 4 years and may have lost his chance. As I said, we are going to leave it until our youngest has left school after GCSE and try again. And Shirley - from your lips to mine - please god don't let it happen all over again in 2 years. The 14 year old at least is keen.

Thanks for all your replies. I've read them all and taken it all in. I hope we will all be in Mandhura in a few weeks, and I hope eldest will come round again.

Shirley - what's the situation with your 19 year old now?

Hope it all works out for you, teenagers are very fickle. Our son cant wait for us all to go now, just got to keep him away from the girls here and falling in love. His visa actually says 'visa holder must not marry before entering Australia' which we found quite funny. We were fortunate to get a visa for him as when your dependants are passed 18 it gets a lot more complicated. We are validating in February and hoping to move in the October.

[boganbear]

I was reading your post when my dad phoned so I mentioned your situation to him and we both asked the question - whatever happened to do as you are told? At 16 they are still legally kids and parents are responsible for them. If I was in the same situation as your 16 year old (and I spent most of my childhood abroad), there would be no choice and I would be going. You are the parents so act like parents.

[cartertucker]

Now planning a break over Christmas to validate get him over there Joanne, Once there I plan to lock him in the poolhouse - and then not come back (mwhhhha mwhhaaa). Now need to hope that he will come on holiday!! Oh lord our kids are the joy and worry of our lives.

Bazinga - his Dad says not to worry cos he will come - but I know my stubborn son better than that. Do you have any kids of that age? Would you leave your 16year old on his/her own on the other side of the world?

 

Really feel for you :hug: This is something I have worried about since starting the process, my Son is now 18 & although he has doubts, he has agreed to give it a try, however I am very lucky that he doesnt like the Uk

 

I wouldnt leave him here, just couldnt do it. :nah:

 

How about asking for him to give it a year, just to try & then if he really isnt happy he can come back....Mayby even suggest you will try & get his Girlfriend over there too, bit of bribery :wink:

[Guest]

Well I thought I was the only one who had issues with my 16 year old moving in with his 15 year old girlfriend! Today we had another conversation that ended (I think) with him agreeing to come on holiday at end October to validate. He seems to have taken on board that he may feel completely differently in 4 years and may have lost his chance. As I said, we are going to leave it until our youngest has left school after GCSE and try again. And Shirley - from your lips to mine - please god don't let it happen all over again in 2 years. The 14 year old at least is keen.

Thanks for all your replies. I've read them all and taken it all in. I hope we will all be in Mandhura in a few weeks, and I hope eldest will come round again.

Shirley - what's the situation with your 19 year old now?

 

A good step forward for everyone I think. That he is happy to go on holiday to activate his visa is a good thing for all of you. It means you all have options open to you in the future and can give both your boys a chance in Aus if they want to take it.

 

Don't oversell Aus while you are over on holiday, as in trying to bang home how fantastic life will be if you move there. Because it may not be that in reality and could leave him feeling very let down in the future. Be realistic, talk about the good and not so good points to it all and leave off asking any of you to make any decisions till you are all back in the UK and have had time to mull it over for a few weeks. Let the holiday rush pass and being back home sink in.

 

The GF aspect is probably what is making him want to stay. I know it can be the be all and end all when you are 15, 16 or so, but not many of these relationships last long term (as in more than a few years and into Uni or life beyond college etc). Some do, but most don't once people want to spread their wings and experience life a little more.

 

If all of you agree, staying for your son to finish his GCSE's might be a good thing all round. Just agree that regardless then, if the 3 of you then still want to go and your oldest, who at 19 will be big enough to fend for himself doesn't, then don't stay put in the UK on his account. 3 of you want to go, go live your lives and make the most of it. Otherwise you'll have another son who may be resentful and also yourselves.

 

Chances are at 19 your oldest will have grown up a bit, matured and may be ready for a bit of adventure overseas. Even if he comes out to Aus for a year then and travels round a bit also, it may be what he needs to decide one way or the other then.

 

Our son is a long way from senior school and teenage years. This is why we have decided to return to Aus in the next year or so rather than our original idea of returning when he was ready to start senior school. We realised he'd be much to settled into life in the UK once he is older and we would rather go when he is younger and has less affinity with a place or people. We are lucky that hubby is an Aussie so family and friends already await us there but leaving it till our son is older would make it so much harder to leave the UK.

 

Good luck with your holiday to Aus and fingers crossed you may all decide to give it a go after that, if not in a couple of years.

 

:smile:

[shirleyt]

I was reading your post when my dad phoned so I mentioned your situation to him and we both asked the question - whatever happened to do as you are told? At 16 they are still legally kids and parents are responsible for them. If I was in the same situation as your 16 year old (and I spent most of my childhood abroad), there would be no choice and I would be going. You are the parents so act like parents.

 

Just a stab in the dark but I'm guessing you haven't got teenagers yet?

:biglaugh:

[flybyknight]

i have only read the op so sorry if this has already been written.

 

we are in the same situation, our middle son (16) is digging his heels in as well.

 

we are in the process of applying for a full visa, the state sponsor one.

we have been told, if our son comes into the country with us when we arrive he can get his passport, or visa stamp, then can leave australia, even on the next flight. he can then re-enter australia as if he'd never left, as a citizen for up to 5 years.

as we all know, 5 years is forever when you're 16. the odds are stacked against him even being with the same girlfriend in that time.

at least he'll have the option this way. come for a holiday, and if you must go back then you shall.

buy him a return flight, they arent much more, so he has the power and choice.

if he must flew the coop, then let him. lessons shall be learnt!

[shirleyt]

i have only read the op so sorry if this has already been written.

 

we are in the same situation, our middle son (16) is digging his heels in as well.

 

we are in the process of applying for a full visa, the state sponsor one.

we have been told, if our son comes into the country with us when we arrive he can get his passport, or visa stamp, then can leave australia, even on the next flight. he can then re-enter australia as if he'd never left, as a citizen for up to 5 years.

as we all know, 5 years is forever when you're 16. the odds are stacked against him even being with the same girlfriend in that time.

at least he'll have the option this way. come for a holiday, and if you must go back then you shall.

buy him a return flight, they arent much more, so he has the power and choice.

if he must flew the coop, then let him. lessons shall be learnt!

 

There are big changes between the ages of 16 and 19 so yes he could come and validate but would need to be careful he didnt leave it too long to return as I believe it 5 years from the date on your visa and you would be perm residence not citizens. I'm not an expert, so it may be worth getting some answers from an agent. It would be dreadful if when he was 21 he wanted to join you but his visa had expired.

[Lurkio]

I was reading your post when my dad phoned so I mentioned your situation to him and we both asked the question - whatever happened to do as you are told? At 16 they are still legally kids and parents are responsible for them. If I was in the same situation as your 16 year old (and I spent most of my childhood abroad), there would be no choice and I would be going. You are the parents so act like parents.

 

Bless you Boganbear - you know what - I think exactly the same way.... But you can't actually make the little darlins do anything they don't want to anymore. Our wonderful society and government and schools have made it impossible for us to discipline our children now, they are told that they can do anything and if we dare to raise our voices or (gasp!) slap the back of their legs - they have the number for childline on autodial. Not that I am in the habit of being physical with my kids.

Last year my wonderful eldest called childline to complain that I had tried to strangle him and told all manner of lies. The police were at our home until 2am the following morning. Why? because I refused to allow his 14 year old girlfriend to stay the night and sleep in his bed with him.... Until he was 15 he was one of the best kids you could ever wish to meet. And then he discovered that rules only work when you agree to follow them....

Parents today have no recourse when children go off the rails. All you can do is keep on keeping on, and pray to the deity of your choice that you all come out the other end in one piece, and you still have some sort of relationship left. They do grow up eventually I understand!!

I don't know if children are an option for you - but good luck if you do have em. They try every ounce of patience you didn't even know you possessed, turn your hair grey and age you overnight. But you still love the little blighters no matter what. So what if my dream has to be put on hold for a while - I need to know that both my boys are ok - and disappearing off to the other side of the world and leaving a 16 year old to fend for himself aint quite the thing is it? A parent's love is unequivocable and you do whatever it takes.

Sorry to preach on, but I don't want anyone to think that I am a namby pamby liberal parent. My kids have always been well behaved, never truanted from school and are polite and well mannered. And then he caught a whiff of oestrogen ..... :wacko: and the world became a different place.

Tomorrow we hit the travel agents and book our holiday ...

[flybyknight]

i love your level aproach. wow!

 

always remember who's running the show though.

being an understanding parent, and letting your youngun's run the ship are very different things.

he could do a whole lot worse than you as a parent. sometimes however you have to disagree!

you can give them the power of choice, just dont let them run you and steer your decisions. if he chooses to stay, he needs to feel the ramifications of that. if he can steer you in probably one of the biggest moves of your life. he will be empowered and try to bend you to his will forever. be ready!