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rikyuu

does your family help when they visit from the UK?

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Bit hard to post this without feeling guilty of taking our children all the way to Oz away from their other family (Grans, aunts etc), but it does nark me a bit.

 

We have 2 young kids 3 and 4.5 years. As you can imagine, bringing them up with no other family around to help is hard work and my wife an I are never able to go out together by ourselves or have any time together without the kids (apart from an hour or two in the evening when we sit down in front of the TV exhausted!). Now I know we chose this and in fact it was very similar in the UK as my wife's family were in another country and mine lived 200k's away. We've also considered a house sitter, but it would have to be someone we could trust and when you pay $100+ just for that, the few hours we would get together would have to be pretty special, I'd be annoyed if we went somewhere and had rubbish food and service. So to my point;

 

When my family visit us once a year, they are primarily coming to see the kids (and us) and secondarily coming for a holiday. They have no intention of helping out what-so-ever. We are treated as a hotel, so my poor exhausted wife has to cook an extra 3 (or 6) meals a day to cater for them (they don't eat what we do), then take them on tours of Melbourne whilst trying to fit in the daily kids routine (whilst I'm at work). Last time a family member visited, my wife and I spent one night out together for less than 24 hours, pre-prepared food for them and the kids and we never heard the last of it. Another member is visiting at Xmas, I mentioned to them that it would be nice if my wife an I could go out together for the night as it will be 12 months since we last had chance. I just got a straight 'no way, this is our holiday'.

 

So are we asking too much? Should we expect this as we were the one's that moved away and it's my family who are making the effort to visit? Does anyone else experience this?

 

ps. when we lived in the UK it was the same. Had to wait on them hand and foot when they visited and only ever got the chance to go out together for a few hours every few months.


READ FIRST: please note that my posts are my own personal opinions based on my experiences. These are MY OPINIONS pure and simple, NOT a statement of fact.

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Guest Guest16631

...................its easy to become the hotel........:mad:..........been there and done that................but learnt this...................send over well in advance..................car hire prices...................coach trips.............places to visit.................restaurant guides ect...................and make it plain that while it would be great to do all this together all the time.................sometimes you will have to take it in turns...........:yes:............we used to supply our car and for that our family used to watch the kids while we had some time to do things on our own....................we also let them know where the washing machine was....incase they would like to use it...:wideeyed:......and if I cooked dinner someone else could prepare lunch..................makeing sure everyone knows the ground rules....................which are needed in a household................especially one with kids...........................makes for a pleasent time for all........................good luck !!:biggrin:

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Not quite in the same situation as we have family here for babysitting but only 3-4 times a year. We have had offers from friends to babysit for us but never taken them up on it.

 

My brother in-law was over about 2 years ago for 3-4 months and lived with us, he looked after our son anytime we asked. The in-laws were over at the start of this year and told us to go out anytime we wanted, we had a 4 week old baby so we didnt go far or get to stay out for the night because of that but we could have. They helped non-stop, father-in-law done some jobs around the house that I didnt have time to do and it was a big help for us. We made sure they had a good time and took them to all the major places but it was good for us and them. The first thing any of my wifes family say when they talk about coming over is we will be able to give you two a break for a night or two.

 

I think anyone visiting and staying with you should do something to help you out. I would be very annoyed if that wasnt the case for us. Also on the babysitting problem, in our area there are a lot of young families, they have setup a babysitting club, you get points or credits for babysitting and use these when you need a babysitter so no money changes hands. It can be good if you have a few neighbours that you know and trust.

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Also on the babysitting problem, in our area there are a lot of young families, they have setup a babysitting club, you get points or credits for babysitting and use these when you need a babysitter so no money changes hands. It can be good if you have a few neighbours that you know and trust.

 

That is a very good idea. My wife knows a few mothers, maybe she could suggest it.


READ FIRST: please note that my posts are my own personal opinions based on my experiences. These are MY OPINIONS pure and simple, NOT a statement of fact.

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Guest Guest16631

.......................we have had both kinds...................those who thought nothing of helping out and helping us and..........................those who only wanted a holiday.....................so by being frank and open things are easier all round.....................one family member when asked by OH to perhaps be more helpful to me.......................said sorry but they thought I would think them interfereing.................often staying in someone elses house....................knowing what you can do ...............helps put all at their ease.....................

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If they want a holiday there are plenty of good hotels around!! It is very unfair of them to use the excuse of "visiting you" and have free accommodation and board into the bargain.... Next time get wise dear Rikyuu, make it very clear what you can and cannot afford to cater to. People making the trip over to Oz generally do so for a 3-4 week holiday owing to the distance, which isn't exactly a long weekend!! this means blending in with the host family, doing your bit and not expecting to waited on hand and foot. I also agree with Tink, sometimes people don't know what to do and it is helpful if you can take the lead. Emails leading up to the trip are very helpful in this respect, letting people know what your daily routine will be like and what they too can expect.

We have family in Italy who insist we stay with them when we go over. TBH we would much rather prefer to stay in a hotel, pay for it and be more independent, but they won't hear of it. Everyone is different. But the "oh no this is our holiday" line is really cheeky!!!


And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive at where we started, and know the place for the first time.

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At least your families visit. My parents (bless 'em) have been over twice but no other members of my family. The best we can expect is nieces and nephews dropping in when they are on their gap year!


My Brain Hurts!

 

 

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Guest JK2510

We stayed with family when we came to oz on a holiday and when we moved out earlier this year. We found it very difficult in trying to help as they were being polite and insisting they could cater for 7 by themselves! It is awkward in knowing what to do without having it seem that your interfering!! So a set of guidelines would sound great. I think it's difficult on both sides of the fence-the guests and the home owners.

 

We found out last night that OHs mum and dad will be staying for 3 wks next sept/oct time! So it's a great thread that I will continue to moniter.

 

We stayed with family for 4 months upon arrival on oz and I would now say that all of the upheaval and living with family has ruined our relationship. So I think that a time limit should also be taken into consideration!

 

Were lucky to have family here but I will not ask them for help. Were lucky our kids are a little older so we have a live in babysitter.

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The first visit my parents did, in 1980, they were into our flat in Cammeray (I lived with my two brothers) and cleaning/organising. Boxes (instead of the floor) for socks,pants,vests, some kind of rack built out of broomsticks to hang shirts from, rubbish taken out in plastic bags to be dumped in various litter bins (for some reason the garbos refused to pick up our rubbish.)

 

In later years they would stay with my married brother's family for a while, causing him untold grief with his wife 'how come your parents do more jobs in a month than you do in a year?', before moving in with me in the City. I must admit they did look after me but they liked being able to get around much easier from where I lived - bus at door, train 10 mins away.

 

Happy days! I suppose I did manage to pay them back a little by looking after them in their final years.

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I feel the opposite :)

I would love family to visit more and have no issue with me and my hubby cooking, cleaning and catering for them. My sister and BIL have been over with the kids, we gave them our room with onsuite and did the same when my hubbys parents came.

I am so excited to see them, It doesnt bother me.

Although saying that, we did eat out a lot and they did wash up etc..

My sister and BIL ate out, hired a car for the second week and cooked meals too.

 

But nope, does not worry me at all, we rarely had babysitters in the UK and like taking the kids out with us anyway (we have 4), Us time will come soon enough..

 

this is of course my personal opinion and I am sure my husband would LOVE a babysitter so we could go out, but doesn't bother me..

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Guest littlesarah

The joy of families, eh?!!

 

My hubby's nephew is over here at the moment, luckily for us he's very independent and makes a good houseguest. I like cooking, so that's not really an issue, but he and his girlfriend have been great at clearing up after themselves and generally lending a hand.

 

I think you have to just be honest at the outset - I know that I would love looking after my parents if they came to stay (they'll eat pretty much anything), and I'd probably make heaps of work for myself; but then the chances of them coming to visit are very small and the excitement of them being here would be enough to help me do anything they wanted while they were here!!

 

The older I get, the more I realise that setting out expectations early on is the best way to avoid problems later. In this case, I suppose you could run the risk of the family deciding not to visit, but you also have to consider how far you guys are willing/able to disrupt your day-to-day life. Alternatively, have you visited them? Maybe you should, and take with you the expectation that you will receive the same treatment they do!

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My mum often visits for 3 months a year but she is always saying if you and Rob want to go out I'll watch the boys. In fact as we have had a crap year this year she is coming over in November and is watching them for a week whilst we have a break together.

If your guests can't allow you one night out together then I would be making excuses as to why they can't visit.


If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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It sounds like your family need to learn some manners and be grateful for you putting them up. Just because they are your family doesn't give them the right to treat you like dirt. In my family we expect each other to help out in some way, even if it is doing the washing up or paying for a meal if going out or getting the booze in.

 

When we first came to Oz we stayed with the OH's family for 2 months but we made sure we paid our way with food shopping, booze, cooking, petrol and then paid for them to have a luxury weekend away as a thank you which they were not expecting and really appreciated.

 

If my parents or friends had a "we are coming on holiday and expect to be waited on attitude" I'd not hesitate in telling them not to come or book a hotel for their visit.

 

I don't understand why you should feel guilty about "talking the kids away" from them either. I grew up abroad so rarely saw any of my extended family and never felt that I missed out on grandparents, cousins etc. In fact, it was probably better not being near them!

 

Having said that, it good to see them come, better to see them go!

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I don't think you are asking too much and should not be ashamed to make it clearer that you expect something back for providing all that you provide to your visitors. I think whoever told you that 'no way, this is our holiday' is the one who should be ashamed. It's not like you are asking them to re-decorate your house while they are around or something big like that! One night out for you in return for a few weeks of being looked after is more then fair and frankly I don't quite understand how can they even open their mouth to say that!!

 

We haven't had a chance to host anyone yet over here, but my in-laws are coming over in October for 4 weeks. I know it will be quite different from the visits while we were in UK, because of the length of time they will stay, but I know I won't have to worry much as they have always been helping with anything even when they were visiting us for a long weekend in UK. From tiding up the garden to helping with washing up. And also, when our daughter was only few months old, my husband needed to attend important work 'do' where it would show him in unfavourable light if he didn't come or came unaccompanied. As we didn't feel confident with paid babysitter for such a small baby, they came over to do the babysitting for us even though they lived over 5hrs drive away.

 

Precisely because it's your family they should be the first to offer helping hand while they are over because you are not holiday hotel and as much as you might enjoy them to come over, they should never take for granted what you do for them. If they wanted holiday where everything will be done just for them without expecting anything in return (well, except for a cheque maybe!), they can go to Spain or Greece!

 

Oh and if they don't eat what you eat, I'm sure they can cook it themselves or go out and buy it, but not expect you to be cooking two different meals just because they are gracing you with their presence!!!

 

Good luck, strong nerves and as it has been said already... lay the ground rules before they come out so that they know what to expect and send it over with the prices of the hotels, restaurants, car hires, tour operators and anything else they might think of using on their 'holidays' and then either they will be more grateful for what they are getting from you or they can sort it out at their own expense!

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Guest littlesarah

I think there's an irony in some ways. When we have guests who offer to help out, and who want to 'do their bit', I'm far more likely to cook their favourite meal and tell them to take it easy than if I felt like they were expecting me to wait on them!!

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Bit hard to post this without feeling guilty of taking our children all the way to Oz away from their other family (Grans, aunts etc), but it does nark me a bit.

 

We have 2 young kids 3 and 4.5 years. As you can imagine, bringing them up with no other family around to help is hard work and my wife an I are never able to go out together by ourselves or have any time together without the kids (apart from an hour or two in the evening when we sit down in front of the TV exhausted!). Now I know we chose this and in fact it was very similar in the UK as my wife's family were in another country and mine lived 200k's away. We've also considered a house sitter, but it would have to be someone we could trust and when you pay $100+ just for that, the few hours we would get together would have to be pretty special, I'd be annoyed if we went somewhere and had rubbish food and service. So to my point;

 

When my family visit us once a year, they are primarily coming to see the kids (and us) and secondarily coming for a holiday. They have no intention of helping out what-so-ever. We are treated as a hotel, so my poor exhausted wife has to cook an extra 3 (or 6) meals a day to cater for them (they don't eat what we do), then take them on tours of Melbourne whilst trying to fit in the daily kids routine (whilst I'm at work). Last time a family member visited, my wife and I spent one night out together for less than 24 hours, pre-prepared food for them and the kids and we never heard the last of it. Another member is visiting at Xmas, I mentioned to them that it would be nice if my wife an I could go out together for the night as it will be 12 months since we last had chance. I just got a straight 'no way, this is our holiday'.

 

So are we asking too much? Should we expect this as we were the one's that moved away and it's my family who are making the effort to visit? Does anyone else experience this?

 

ps. when we lived in the UK it was the same. Had to wait on them hand and foot when they visited and only ever got the chance to go out together for a few hours every few months.

 

Don't mention it to them - tell them it is part of the deal or they can pay $200 per night and stay at the local Novotel.:wubclub: But tell them nicely...


Best Newcomer 2013-14.

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I'd love someone to wait hand and foot on me as I'm sick of having to get up and make my own tea in the mornings. Coming back from the beach too, it's just TOO much that I have to make my own dinner.

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Our parents help out whenever they can, even though mine live 90 minutes drive away in the UK and hubby's live in Aus.

 

When hubby's family visit they are always happy to muck in, chip in toward food bills (if you are cooking for 3 extra adults it can get pricey), hire a car, do their own thing a fair bit and babysit for us a few times. And my mother is more than happy to come up on the train and stay overnight if ever we want a night out (which is rare, usually a few times a year it seems). Sometimes she'll visit for a weekend.

 

We tell those visiting from Aus that while we'll be able to have some days out with them they are on their own for a large part as hubby usually has to work and I have to also and do the nornal daily stuff. We don't drop everything to entertain them or take them out on daytrips all the time. And we always always ask them to babysit a couple of evenings.

 

I realise your family are coming to see you and have a holiday, but its a two way street. I'd tell them in advance you are planning a couple of evenings out, will put the kids to bed first and then leave them to cook for themselves also those nights. Tell them they can hit up the local take away or supermarket and fend for themselves. They are more than capable. And don't take no for an answer. And once they are at your house staying then tell them the nights you want to go out and again, don't take no for an answer. Or spring it on them at the last minute once the kids are in bed and they have their feet up on the sofa.

 

Personally I'd be offended if family came all the way to visit us and then did not babysit at least once or twice during their stay. I don't expect them to help out round the house (but they all do anyways) or cook evening meals but they do have to make their own breakfast and lunch (with food I get in or they go buy themselves). I also make it quite clear we don't entertain them every day with trips out. That we have a routine for our son and we try to stick to it in terms of he goes to pre school and so on and I am around doing the usual at home.

 

Sounds to me like your family are taking advantage and not being helpful houseguests in the least. Staying somewhere for a weekend is different than staying a few weeks or more and people on extended stays do need to pull their weight more and contribute. Make it clear that for future visits they need to contribute with babysitting and cooking their own meals from time to time, that your wife isn't going to jump through hoops to take them out all the time and they can hire a car or borrow your one. And that if they don't like that, they are more than welcome to go stay at a hotel. Yes you love them visiting, but the long term visits where your wife struggles to cope are not on anymore.

 

And yes, if there isn't one already, start one up. Babysitting clubs are brill!

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And the other relative you've got coming to stay who said it was his holiday. I'd point out its your house and he is always welcome to go elsewhere if he can't even be bothered to babysit one evening for you. And again, let him do his own thing once he is here. Sure, give him the tour of the city but let him fend for himself more. Make it clear he has to amuse himself and don't sway from that. And keep it going for any visits from any other family in the future.

 

Be firm, lay out the ground rules and get a little something back. Yes the thing about them paying to fly over and see you is a good argument, but doesn't mean they cannot babysit one evening and amuse themselves. If your family don't eat the same food you do, I'd also be saying to them they can cook for themselves also. Why should your wife do this every day. Sod that. Fine on a weekend or something but the weekdays, I'd be showing them the kitchen and letting them get familiar with it. Really, you are letting them walk all over you and its never nice to be a doormat.

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Guest guest37336

Must admit that my ma and pa when visiting me in OZ can never do enough around the house. Though I hate being served on hand and foot they will do what they can to help out, cooking, looking after Herbert's, cleaning, in fact I could very easily not do anything whilst they beaver about.

 

I remember the first time they visited in Cairns and my dad saw me mowing the lawn, it was a blazing hot summer, and as normal I had an oxygen tent and fluid available, but my dad bless him volunteered to do it.

 

So the rest of us sat indoors and watched as my dad went up and the lawn, as time went by he got slower and slower as exhaustion took over. At one point during the final laps a rather arrogant snail over took him on the last lap with a grin and twinkle in his eye, funnily enough my dad never offered again.:biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

 

Cheers Tony.:laugh:

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I'd get your own babysitting sorted out, but when whoever comes to stay I would give them a folder of places to go and do a planner of who's cooking when, so they know it's not a hotel and I would tell them that, or show alternatives nearby and the cost, also let them know they will need a car, give them car rentals sites before they come, also make it clear where the washer and cleaning stuff is and that they are responsible for their own room, personally I wudlnt leave my kids with such people, not acting like family are they?

suggest return reply is titled and this is my home and I pay the bills

Cal


Job offer April 2011, Reccie July 2011, 457 submitted 21/09/2011, my medical only 14/10/11, medical submitted 21/10/11 (IT issues), referred 21/10/11, approved 27/10/11, landed 24/4/12, PR submitted (decision ready) June 2012, PR granted August 2013

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What a depressing thread! I wouldnt dream of staying with anyone, anywhere, without doing my utmost to help and not cause extra work. What are your family thinking of? Having said that, sending a note entitled 'this is my home and I pay the bills' as suggested by Cal 2 is perhaps not the most tactful way to approach it ..... I think the idea of sending a folder of ideas for car hire and trips is a good one. As for the babysitting - I was never close enough to family to use them as regular babysitters when my daughter was young. We found babysitting circles with other parents worked well for us, also teenaged children of neighbours. Trust is a big issue though and I found it helpful to go for very short outings at first e.g. quick couple of hours in the pub, till I felt I knew and could trust the sitter. Good luck!


103 visa application lodged February 2013. 143 visa application submitted January 2016. Police checks and form 80 submitted February 29th 2016. Visa granted April 4th 2016.

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There should be a permanent thread on this subject. The stories I've heard from just about everyone who has family over are legendary.

 

We all have a laugh about it later but the number of people that come home from a days work to find the visitors lounging by the pool, pots not washed form lunchtime and then say "what times dinner" are the norm really. It's pretty stressful at the time, but most people can laugh about it later, usually after the relies have been back home a few weeks.

 

It's nice to see relies when they come but good to put them on the plane home, usually.

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I remember a psychotherapist saying to me once

People treat you the way you let them treat you!!

(I got mad,and said its not my fault they are taking advance!!- now I know it is, we teach people how to treat us).

 

So I would suggest to take the lead, but you dont have to be rude,/

 

I would say, we have this arranged this day and that day to do somethings together,

but otherwise you can decide what you would like to do, I have some brochures of activities you might be interested in.

 

getting the night out!!! I would say we would really appreciate grabbing the chance while your over here to go out one night on our own while ye babysit, as we dont have anyone here at the moment that we trust. It would be lovely!

 

Dont see how they could refuse when you ask so nice and they are coming to stay with you!!!! LOL.

 

Ahhh I know how it feels trying to get out together (we have 3 small ones).

We are hoping to move to Perth and my cousin is hoping to visit. She has already offered to babysit!!! LOL I have her well trained!!!!!

 

Hope you get your night out!!!

 

I like the idea of babysitting circle between friends (obviously ones you know well).

 

kind regards

Cazmayo

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Take them to the supermarket or bottle shop. Then they will see how expensive everything is!

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