Neighbours 5 Yr old giving me nightmares.

[Sydneytina]

Hi all,

 

Here I'm in a bit of fix. I'm a mum of twin boys ( 2yrs old) working part time and hubby working full time. We live in an apartment and I'm facing trouble from our next door neighbours 5 year old son. The list is endless but just to mention a few:

 

He visits our house 5-6 times every day. Now, once he comes to play with my boys he doesn't want to leave so practically I'm left with taking care of three boys. His mother never seems to be concerned about his meals and snacks time. Whenever he's at our place he's always hungry and eats my kids food everyday. I tend to keep various fresh fruits and veggies in bowls on my kids table. So they can eat while playing and this way they get their daily 4-5 servings of fruits and veggies but from past few weeks this practice of mine has become a headache for us as this little boy will eat everything and anything that's kept for my boys and then will ask for more apples, banana, oranges or meals etc.

 

Now, if this was about once or twice a week I would be more than happy to feed him but here I'm stuck with someone who comes at least 5 times everyday and have got a pretty good appetite. From the past few weeks we are buying twice the amount of fruits & kids food than usual.

 

This is just part of the problem. Whenever I take my kids out in the garden (in front of our apartment) which is most of the time every second day if weather permits, he comes along and then again I'm left handling three boys. His mother never comes out to check on him and never actually tells me to take his son along. As soon as we open our apartment door to go out, he quickly pops his head out to see if we are going somewhere and before we even reach down, he's already standing with us ready to leave. When I insist he first gets his mother's consent, he says she has given him the permission to go outside and play with us. I find this very annoying as her mother is sitting inside and relaxing while I'm looking after his son in the garden too.

 

The same thing happens when I come home from work tired. As soon as I open my apartment door he'll open his door and quickly come inside with me. I'm already tired and away from my kids the whole day so I love spending some quality time with them after I return home but now it seems impossible as he's the first one to enter my house. His mother never even comes out to check where he's going as she can hear him say that he's coming to our house. His mother never tells him that I've just returned from work and I may be tired.

 

 

I already find myself over burdened with all the housework...cooking, cleaning, washing, handling my own twin toddlers and my job as well. So this has become too much for me. Now every night I feel I'm all the more tired and the stress is taking its toll on me :cry:.

 

I don't know if this even sounds like a problem to you all but I feel trapped. Please help me and give some advice as how to handle this. Also please ignore any of my mistakes as I needed to rant and rave.

 

EDIT: I've tried talking to his mother several times giving her hints as how inconvenient it is for me but she doesn't seems to understand. My hubby does not want me to bring up the issue upfront as he feels a good neighbour relation may be destroyed.

 

P.S: Sorry for the long post.

[Jurls]

I think I'd just tell her straight. Politely, but get right to the point. Just say you are tired after work and don't want visitors all the time and I'd also mention the amount of food as well. I know some will think it's only a couple of pieces of fruit and what does it matter, but when you're buying enough to feed another child almost full time that adds up to quite a lot of money! Perhaps you could turn it into a positive by suggesting set times for him to come and visit and play, like a playdate?

 

Seems odd his mother doesn't do more? I'd be mortified if my children spent so much time at someone elses house eating their food etc.

[fleabo]

As a working mother of twins, I think you are well within your rights to put your foot down and not be expected to bring someone elses kid up for them. I am sure it is hard enough as it is for you .

 

You will probably just have to be firm with him on a few occassions and tell him that it is not convenient to come in or play.

 

Good luck.

[Guest siamsusie]

I dislike situations like this, its extremely difficult to tread on ice the whole time and I can well imagine your are exceptionally tired.

 

Maybe create a "special time" once or twice a week for the lad to come over and play with the twins, explaining to the Mother that you have a rigid routine and this is being broken.

 

Being an unpaid baby sitter of someones child is not fair on you or your family.

 

Susie x

[Jurls]

Heh, so much more diplomatic than I would be Susie :biggrin:

 

I think the "routine card" is a good one to play actually being as you probably follow a pretty rigid routine anyway, I know I do with my twins. Good luck!

[Petals]

You have to say "no". When my children were young my neighbour at the time had a 2 years old same age as my daughter. She used to get her son 9 year old to ask me to babysit for her on the weekends so she could go out with her husband. The little girl used to stay over. I did it many many times and she never ever thanked me or said anything. Then one day I came home tired and a bit cranky and the son came around as usual and I just said "no". That was the last time I was asked.

 

I felt awful and my oh made me feel awful saying its not about the mum its about the child but I got over it and I was pleased I made the stand.

[3FatCats]

Next time he comes round, take the boy by the hand and go right back to his house, say to his Mum, Hi there!! your son has come round again and whilst we love seeing him it is not convenient right now, perhaps my boys could pop round for him sometime next week and stay at yours for a while? You could also send them round with a list of snacks your boys like to eat and see what happens..... don't worry if you fall out, you can't ruin your own emotions over this and I get the sneaking feeling someone is taking advantage of you. xx

[Guest jmahood]

Clearly there is something going wrong at home for this child for him to need to wait and watch for you. He's obviously hungry and is striving for some kind of attention from a Mother figure. He sounds like he is a very lonely child. However, you are not his mother and yes you should lay down boundaries. I would suggest to the Mother that she find a hobby or club for him to attend. IMO you need to get tough otherwise you'll find yourself raising 3 children.

[_shel]

I agree with Susie. Have play dates, arranged with his mum with her taking the kids on alternate occasions. At other times just dont let the kid in, send him home if he comes knocking reminding him nicely that you are all going to the park, read books or whatever on such a day. If necessary go with him and tell his mother the same!

 

You cant let his mother take advantage of you by dumping her kid on you, she is possibly the one actually sending him over. So she does not have to care for or feed him!

 

If you are really worried that she is not feeding him etc then you need to phone the authorities and report it, let them look into it.

[LKC]

Yikes, this sounds like a bit of a delicate situation!

 

To be honest, I'd be honest but polite and just tell the mother that although you love having her child over to play, you are also tired from work and would like to spend time alone with your own children because you feel they are missing out on time alone with their mum. I would then say that you are happy for the child to come over at pre-arranged and convenient times only.

 

Then, if for example you were playing outside with your children and the other child came out to play too, I would say that you are going in now and take him back to his mum.

 

I wouldn't ever consider putting anyone in that difficult position, and would be embarrassed if I thought that I might have.

[Rudi]

I think you need to be brave!!!

 

I think you need to be absolutely upfront and tell the mother that unless there is a pre-arranged playdate, at a time that is convenient to you, then her son will not be allowed to join you and your family.

 

I would also not be arranging reciprocal play dates - if this is how she is "caring" for her child, then I would certainly not be allowing your children to be spending time in her "care".

 

If the boy tries to push into your apartment, then you need to tell him, before you open the door that he may not come in. If he will not leave you, then he needs to be taken back to his apartment and left with his mother.

 

It's awful how stressful this is obviously becoming to you. Good luck - let us know how you go!!

 

Love

 

Rudi

x

[Taylors4]

You need to break the cycle of caring for this child. I know its hard I've been in a similar situation. I'm very easy going and a bit of a soft touch, but people will take advantage. At meal times instead of feeding one of our neighbours kids I got used to saying to the child, we are having lunch/dinner now, time to go home and see you another day etc, when child says mum won't mind, say you dont' know what plans his mum has for dinner etc and you don't want to ruin them . You just have to be firm, you don't have to be nasty or cruel (even though you will probably feel you are being so) as others have said, set a day when he is more than welcome to come and play. When you come in from work, say sorry love I've got jobs to do - not today mate.

 

With regards to playing out, can't you go to a local park on the pretence you are going to the shops, just make yourself unavailable to the child. They will get the message, and you will feel so much better when you feel you are in control of the situation not being manipultaed by a 5 year old and its mother. (I used to feel stalked, seemes you do too!) Good luck, but take a stand, while you can before you get too down.

[warren&liz]

Hi Sydneytina Sorry to hear of your uncomfortable situation. Have to agree with everyone else, you are going to have to be brave and tell the mother it is not convienient for you to babysit her child. It is unbelievable the way some people take advantage, and leave you feeling in the wrong. Don't put up with it.

PS Get hubby to give you more help around the house. Men don't always understand until their lives are disrupted.

 

Liz x

[Sydneytina]

Thanks heaps to all of you for your kind advice and support. I was feeling really miserable and thought I'm doing wrong by feeling bad about a little boy but as you all said, I really feel I'm being taken advantage of because I come across as a soft and care free person.

 

Yes Taylors4, I feel I'm being stalked and it feels crap.

 

I can't believe how some people can be so inconsiderate towards others and careless about their own child. I'm over burdened by taking care of a third child and will definitely follow some wonderful advice given by you all. Will keep you updated.

[Tulip]

As for when you go downstairs, just tell the child you're going out shopping to the supermarket and there isn't enough room for everyone in the car?

 

I know how you feel, I'm horribly awkward in situations like that, and never know how rude I can be to a child, but usually a swift 'Not today!' works wonders. Even saying 'Sorry, the kids need a nap now.' when he comes over could work.

 

As you can see, I'm quite apt at lying to small children! Two small dogs that attract oodles of them means I have to be stern sometimes!

[mrspotatohead]

I agree with Tulip. Talk directly to the child.

 

When he asks to come in just say 'not today sweetheart, I'm very busy, you can come over on saturday'.

 

Just make sure whatever day you say, you stick to, cause no doubt he'll be counting down. :laugh:

 

If his mother says anything (which i doubt she will), simply tell her your up to your eyeballs with work etc and having other children in the house makes the kids hyper!!

[ali]

Perhaps take the little one by the hand and return them to their own house explaining to mum that you can't have them to play at the moment

[newjez]

Australians don't do subtleties. Everything in English English is phased as a hint, so that there can be no suggestion of an affront if challenged. In Australian English - there is no possibility of interpretation.

 

The English say -

 

'Do you think you're mummy might be missing you?'

 

'Do you think you've had enough'

 

'Do you think it's time to go home?'

 

The child can answer no to these questions.

 

When you translate this to Australian - you phrase it as such,

 

'It's time to go home now. I won't see you until tomorrow. Goodbye.'

 

It's not rude, but it's direct and there can be no question as the the meaning.

[Guest NeilEB]

I'm struggling to see why this is such a delicate situation.

 

Just tell the child 'no' - simples. It's not like the mother can complain as it was never an agreed playdate or anything. The issue now is that you've been doing it so long that the boy might be confused, but frankly it's not your problem.

 

I wouldn't even take him back to his apartment. When he knocks, just tell him 'not today' and close the door. (I guess if you're being charitable then you could listen to make sure he gets back home safely).

 

He's not your son, so don't feel like you should look after him.

 

The garden is the only tricky one - how can you say "no you can't join in" when you are just playing in a garden - and what message does that give to your kids?

 

A question I have for you - does he play well with your boys? Reason I ask is in a few years you could find that he plays with your boys and gives you a break :-)

[Guest]

I think you've been given some great advice here

 

My line is he is 5 and you need to just be firm and tell him now isn't a good time and that he is welcome to visit at such and such a time on such and such a day. Set the boundries and be done with it. No real need to even say anything to his parents, just be firm with him in a nice way. Tell him you've been out all day, just got home and want to spend some time with your kids on their own. Same in the garden, just tell him now isn't a good time as you want to spend some time with your two but he is welcome to come back later for half an hour at such and such a time. And then keep it to half an hour and then go indoors and say bye bye to him to send him on his way home.

 

I do wonder of course about his home life and the parenting going on there. But if he appears happy, well and so on there is little to be done there. If you have concerns about his care or wellbeing then contact the proper people so they can look into things. You should be able to do this without the parents knowing who made the call.

[Guest gail2010]

Oh what a shame you must feel trapped!! I had a neighbour who watched our every move and I hated going out the house its horrible!

My neighbours kid used to come over and when playing, my son would come over and say can we get a sweetie and other stuff, I knew my son wouldnt normally ask so we put the baby monitors on and listened to the boy constantly ask my son to go and get him sweets. Im too soft so when he asked my boyfriend said to the boy if you want a sweetie why dont you go over and ask your mum for one, that put an end to it!!

Its really tough because you dont want to hurt anyones feelings and because you obviously live close to this neighbour, is the mother stressed with her own child or is she unable to pay to feed her child she maybe doesnt realise how much it bothers you.

Oh best of luck keep us posted how it goes maybe get your partner or a friend to do the hard bit for you.

[Guest Hatton]

Next time he comes round, take the boy by the hand and go right back to his house, say to his Mum, Hi there!! your son has come round again and whilst we love seeing him it is not convenient right now, perhaps my boys could pop round for him sometime next week and stay at yours for a while? You could also send them round with a list of snacks your boys like to eat and see what happens..... don't worry if you fall out, you can't ruin your own emotions over this and I get the sneaking feeling someone is taking advantage of you. xx

 

This is the best way to handle it :notworthy:

[Sydneytina]

 

The garden is the only tricky one - how can you say "no you can't join in" when you are just playing in a garden - and what message does that give to your kids?

 

A question I have for you - does he play well with your boys? Reason I ask is in a few years you could find that he plays with your boys and gives you a break :-)

 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, he plays well with my kids. I do not have a problem with that. Its just that it is getting too intrusive and he does not take " No" as an answer.

 

" What message it give to my kids"..... Forcing yourself on others and making them uncomfortable is not what I would like to teach my kids and moreover Neil his mother actually never comes and check on him when we are outside. Its like she dumps him on us and assumes we are taking care of him. This attitude bothers me the most rather than the kid himself.

[Sydneytina]

Oh what a shame you must feel trapped!! I had a neighbour who watched our every move and I hated going out the house its horrible!

My neighbours kid used to come over and when playing, my son would come over and say can we get a sweetie and other stuff, I knew my son wouldnt normally ask so we put the baby monitors on and listened to the boy constantly ask my son to go and get him sweets. Im too soft so when he asked my boyfriend said to the boy if you want a sweetie why dont you go over and ask your mum for one, that put an end to it!!

Its really tough because you dont want to hurt anyones feelings and because you obviously live close to this neighbour, is the mother stressed with her own child or is she unable to pay to feed her child she maybe doesnt realise how much it bothers you.

Oh best of luck keep us posted how it goes maybe get your partner or a friend to do the hard bit for you.

 

Exactly...I feel my every move is being watched..and likewise I also hate going outside most of the time. My hubby doesn't want me to talk to his mother about the issue directly coz he feels its too awkward a situation and moreover he doesn't wanna spoil his terms with the boys dad (Although, I know he's more concerned about hurting their feelings). And yes, the mother has a 1 yr old to take care as well so may be she enjoys having a break but in all this I feel as a victim coz I get over stressed and tired and I feel most of the time he's at our home. Its not once in a while. It's everyday several times a day. Phew...............

[mrspotatohead]

Exactly...I feel my every move is being watched..and likewise I also hate going outside most of the time. My hubby doesn't want me to talk to his mother about the issue directly coz he feels its too awkward a situation and moreover he doesn't wanna spoil his terms with the boys dad (Although, I know he's more concerned about hurting their feelings). And yes, the mother has a 1 yr old to take care as well so may be she enjoys having a break but in all this I feel as a victim coz I get over stressed and tired and I feel most of the time he's at our home. Its not once in a while. It's everyday several times a day. Phew...............

 

Did you get it sorted out?