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Ok , i'm up for a slagging

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Guest guest30038
I understand what you are saying – it is difficult to miss something you have never experienced, and just as difficult to feel deprived of something when you have no sense of what that ‘something’ is. And in answer to your question ‘is extended family essential for a child’ s well being?’ No – in all honesty I don’t think it is essential. But, do I believe that a loving extended family can enhance a child’s upbringing, providing a richness and a depth that two parents alone cannot deliver (and not through any failure on their part)? ……Yes. :yes::smile::

 

So then we move on to "what is family"?

 

My boys never experienced extended family but I actually feel that they have been "enriched" just as much, if not more, by their experience of the other folk who came into our lives.

 

They have had experience of numerous foster siblings and developed an understanding of "what ails others". They have learned to be non-judgemental via our dealings with the natural parents of kids in our care................sat in on "family meets" involving ourselves and counsellors (who became staunch family friends) from the Department of child safety. We have friends who have become "family", if not through blood but through shared experiences of laughter, love and sorrow.

 

I suppose that I can't grasp that some parents think that what an extended family (in blood) can give their kids, can't be obtained through close friends and acquaintances. I've never thought that "blood is thicker than water". Family is just "bloodline" in my book. Their attributes are no different than the attributes of any other human being other than they have the same blood. They get it right, they get it wrong............some show warmth and love......others are cold fish.............some impart knowledge, some have little to offer..............no different than any other human being.

 

I guess I've been cursed with bad/no family, and blessed with the other people that I've developed a relationship with?..............perhaps no family (other than my wife and kids) wasn't a curse.............it led me to the other people who made such a good impact on my life? I certainly don't feel deprived..............I did at one time............before I met the people who contributed to my 'growth"...........but not now.

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Kev,

 

An emotive post, and I agree with lots. My 'immediate family' takes priority, and we have blessings from all, but to be honest even if we didn't it then I would deal with it. This move is about my wife and children, and I would also be doing my family here(mum,dad,sister and inlaws) a major disservice by staying because of their 'perceived' need to have the grandkids around. That is my perception (potentially) but not the truth. What my kids need is their mum and dad and they will see grandparents etc. My family is small, and when my mum and dad emigrated to Spain I didn't see them giving me and my sister a second thought!! Any family member who stands in the way of emigration is doing it with a selfish motive in place. My friends don't want see me go, and I am sure my family will be sad, but they would never stand in my way.

 

No, they did it for them and themselves only and was their life, the same as it is my family's life. It isn't controversial what you propose, and I share the sentiment that people on forums such as these move back for the kids to see other family. That to me is very selfish, as i don't care what the age of the child is, it is the parents that want to go back and it is dressed up with all manner of reasons, one of whcih being what you describe. My twins are 18 months old and for me to remain in the UK just to see the grandparents every 3 weeks or so would be pointless. Our dream would be crushed, my parents don't want that and everyone would end up upset.......my life, my family, my choices

 

P.S. we arrive 12th August, still up for showing us round mate?

 

;-)


Arrived 10th August....loving it

Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right ~Dr Phil

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Guest guest30038
Love my nan and grandad and In-fact i love all of my family including cousins, would do anything for them as they would do for me, remember you have more blood and ties to a brother or sister or even a cousin than your own husband or wife,

 

Why would you think that? Because it's a "social norm"? You're the same blood but why the "blood tie"? In what way should you show/have more "ties" (which I guess means "allegiance") to blood family as opposed to your wife?

 

I just don't get it? I've seen families torn apart because blood family have interfered in marriages. I've seen spouses take the side of blood family at the expense of their spouse, just because "blood is thicker than water" What's the big deal with "blood"? What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong.............blood or not...............the number of times I've seen someone take the side of 'wrong" just because blood family were the wrongdoer beggars belief!

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Guest guest30038
I honestly feel sorry for people who never experienced the "feel and love" of a really close family including arnt's uncles cousin's etc,

 

Then that is patronising and presumptious IMHO. I believe I've led as full and as rich a life without.

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Guest guest30038

 

P.S. we arrive 12th August, still up for showing us round mate?

 

;-)

 

Gladly :yes:

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Why would you think that? Because it's a "social norm"? You're the same blood but why the "blood tie"? In what way should you show/have more "ties" (which I guess means "allegiance") to blood family as opposed to your wife?

QUOTE]

 

I have friends who are TOO close to direct family. They speak up to 3 times a day! That just co-dependant!! The thought of being still tied to apron strings makes me gag. Each to their own, but the idea of the regular daily phone calls to mum, the thrice weekly meals, the Sunday roast EVERY week,.....too much for me. I am adopted so may feel differently, but my parents are still my parents and I love them dearly. It is a social norm the blood tie.......

 

Most of the patients I see have very unhelpful relationships caused by this 'blood tie'.....nonsense, sense of perceived responsibility and expectations put on us.


Arrived 10th August....loving it

Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right ~Dr Phil

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Gladly :yes:

 

Roger that, will get in touch when we land

 

:biggrin::jiggy:


Arrived 10th August....loving it

Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right ~Dr Phil

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My allegiance is to my wife!! I only ever made vows to my wife? On our wedding day. I never remember making vows to my parents to 'live by the parent, die by the parent'......ooops sorry I meant 'sword'.


Arrived 10th August....loving it

Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right ~Dr Phil

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I agree with you Kev, that close friends can have a similar effect as extended family on a child. But I will point out that newly arrived immgrants have left their close friends behind as well as their family. It can take some years to build up friendships that close again, and during that time, the children are missing out. Close friends also tend to be of the same generation as the parents, so in many cases, the children are also missing out on interacting with the older generation.

 

Obviously the children will not know what they are missing, but they are missing out on enriching experiences and interactions. They are also gaining enriching experiences by living in another culture. This will shape their character and outlook, and they will become slightly different people than they would have if their parents had stayed at home. Is this a bad thing? We can't really ever know. It's the big "what if?"

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Guest guest30038
They are also gaining enriching experiences by living in another culture. This will shape their character and outlook, and they will become slightly different people than they would have if their parents had stayed at home. Is this a bad thing? We can't really ever know. It's the big "what if?"

 

TBH, I wouldn't have wanted any of my family around my kids anyway. Bridget comes from a naval family................moved around lots and dad always at sea, so her family wouldn't have influenced our kids either.

 

We made the decision (rightly or wrongly) that we didn't want our kids in the care of others............... family or day care. We wanted them to grow via our influences and even discussed things that in retrospect seem strange now, such as mannerisms as we'd seen some kids with mannerisms and behaviours more like their grandparents than their parents............were we delving too deep? :unsure:

 

We questioned ourselves often as to whether our boys should be interacting with others and as to what they were missing out on, so despite me being a stay at home carer, we eventually agreed to have the boys in day care for just one day a week so they could interact with other kids prior to schooling. It was through that one day, that I met other parents who eventually became friends and who further enhanced our boys' experiences of others. Even though only one day, we would often hear inappropriate things from the boys that they picked up at kindy, but that's all part of the "growing" experience, I suppose.

 

One thing I know for sure, despite them barely knowing my 3 older boys, their visits back to the UK have always been a joy to behold................instant warmth and affection and "knowing"..........as if somehow they'd been raised together...............perhaps there is something in the "blood thing" even though they're only half blood related...............the thought of the first time they met since leaving the UK always brings a smile to my face................Josh at 10yr old calling Heath at 32yrs...... "Bruv" :laugh:

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TBH, I wouldn't have wanted any of my family around my kids anyway. Bridget comes from a naval family................moved around lots and dad always at sea, so her family wouldn't have influenced our kids either.

 

One thing I know for sure, despite them barely knowing my 3 older boys, their visits back to the UK have always been a joy to behold................instant warmth and affection and "knowing"..........as if somehow they'd been raised together...............perhaps there is something in the "blood thing" even though they're only half blood related...............the thought of the first time they met since leaving the UK always brings a smile to my face................Josh at 10yr old calling Heath at 32yrs...... "Bruv" :laugh:

 

I think it depends on the family. Some people you just don't want to be around, whether they are family or not. But if they're good people, that blood tie really enhances a good thing.

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Guest guest36187

What is family? Different for everyone really!

 

Speaking from my own family point of view.....

 

When I was younger, well from the age of 3-14, I basically lived with my maternal grandparents. My grandad would collect me from school every friday and drop me home at 7pm on a Sunday night. I was home, said hello to my parents, had a bath and went to bed! EVery school holiday i spent with my grandparents. My mum always says she never saw me grow up BUT it never bothered her as she knew I was ok, I was well cared for, I was happy and I was loved deeply in return. Because I had all that time with them, I got to know my Mums sister very well and we developed a relationship.

 

I never had the same relationship when I was younger with my paternal grandparents. We didnt see them as often as they both worked when we were younger. I used to (as I got older) go and meet my Nan for lunch at her work. I used to go to Grandads and help him collect the veg in his garden. As I got older and was dating my husband I got to `really know` my paternal grandparents. We would have them over for dinner, go out for dinner, etc. I went away with my Nan.

 

From a very young age i developed a perfect relationship with my Dads youngest sister who was nine when I was born. She and I grew up together and she was my `big sister`. WHen she go older and went off to work I used to go to London with my Nan and meet her and we would go off to Hamleys etc as a treat.

 

As she got older and married , I knew her husband (now of over 25 years) and was gifted three cousins who are now beatiful young men. They STILL keep in constant contact with me and always have done. One is talking of coming out to see me.

 

I have always been close to my parents. Mum and me are the image of each other. Dad and I have always been close but got to know each other much, much more in recent years. You gain a respect for your parents as you get older. I have one brother who is heading back for his second trip. We dont always talk but the good thing is we dont have to. in 2010 he visited, we hadnt seen each other in 5 years and it was if it had been 5 days! We slotted straight back into where we left off!!!

 

Without all or indeed any of these expereinces, I would not be the person I am today. Everyone of these people has given me memories that I will treasure forever. Every one has made me who I am. I know that everyone of them is there for me if I need them. I know I am a better person for these people.

 

That`s family.

 

Addit: I am not lucky enough to have been granted the gift of motherhood but I would be happy for my `children` to be with any of my family. My step children know my family extremely well!

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Guest Hatton
Why would you think that? Because it's a "social norm"? You're the same blood but why the "blood tie"? In what way should you show/have more "ties" (which I guess means "allegiance") to blood family as opposed to your wife?

 

I just don't get it? I've seen families torn apart because blood family have interfered in marriages. I've seen spouses take the side of blood family at the expense of their spouse, just because "blood is thicker than water" What's the big deal with "blood"? What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong.............blood or not...............the number of times I've seen someone take the side of 'wrong" just because blood family were the wrongdoer beggars belief!

It is not the social norm today as it was 50 60 70 years ago, maggie helped make it a selfish nation.

Families get torn apart even if they are not blood relatives. I love my family even including cousins etc and we are all very close, you move in your own circles and I cannot comment on your situation as you cannot comment on mine, that's life and every family is different.

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I've wondered the same thing myself Kev.

 

People moving to Australia for their kids, then a few months later returning back to the UK for their kids......... When really, do the kids honestly care where they lived to begin with?

 

Hand on heart, I think kids do have a better life in Australia, but at the end of the day as long as they have loving parents does it matter where they are brought up?

 

Family do play a huge part in peoples life, and it's only when they are taken away do we truely know how much they are missed, some cope, some don't. No one is the same, but I feel that kids mirror our feelings and actions, if they see us upset, they get upset, they want to please us (even though we may not see this when they are a pain the backside :biglaugh:)

I don't think we give our kids enough credit and in all honesty I think they adapt quicker than us adults


Kind Regards

 

Geoffrey (32, an aussie!!), Tracy (35), Jake (7), Jessica (2) & Joseph (1) :jiggy:

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I have not read all the posts just the first, so sorry if this is out of tune with the thread ( I'm on my break in that biscuit factory across the crem?) my family are the ones who live behind my front door, I have never used a baby sitter or gran and grandad to pick um up from school. I had my kids to be my family. I love my mum dad and sisters to bits but I don't need them to live my life. My family is my world as long as the four of us are together we will be happy.


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Guest guest36187

Families got torn apart by rising costs of living and need to work! I was lucky. My mum was at home from the day I was born until I was 15! I was very lucky! She was there to get us up, take us to school and was there for dinner every night. My Dad was a shift worker so it was so nice to have that `constant` in our life.

My brother and I used to go to my Nan and Grandads every thursday while Mum and Dad had a night out. BUT that one night a week with Nan was a `treat` to us!

Im sure if I had been farmed out to every babysitter available that my family relationships would nto have been the same!

 

I feel I have exceptionally close relationships with my mum and Dad and that is something I am immensively proud of x

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Guest Hatton
Why would you think that? Because it's a "social norm"? You're the same blood but why the "blood tie"? In what way should you show/have more "ties" (which I guess means "allegiance") to blood family as opposed to your wife?

QUOTE]

 

I have friends who are TOO close to direct family. They speak up to 3 times a day! That just co-dependant!! The thought of being still tied to apron strings makes me gag. Each to their own, but the idea of the regular daily phone calls to mum, the thrice weekly meals, the Sunday roast EVERY week,.....too much for me. I am adopted so may feel differently, but my parents are still my parents and I love them dearly. It is a social norm the blood tie.......

 

Most of the patients I see have very unhelpful relationships caused by this 'blood tie'.....nonsense, sense of perceived responsibility and expectations put on us.

 

 

How can you speak for another person :eek: how can you say that they are to close to their families? it is their lives and they live it like you live yours, just because you do not feel the same love does not really give you the right to say it makes you "gag"

We have a lot to learn from the way Italians and Spanish people care and look after their elderly relatives. In the UK a lot old people are dumped in a home to rot, to be forgotten and to be abused. In Italy they are looked after by the extended family and treated with the respect they deserve in their old age.

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Guest guest36187

I look after fifty elderly dementia residents and we have "hypocrit's day! Mothers day, fathers day......everyone comes out of the woodwork! W don't see them all year round! I can agree with your statement people being "dumped"

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Id love to have my Grandparents back here ( sadly they are long departed) , i do feel we all ( our household ) miss out on my parents being the other side of the world .. but i feel some family's and there members can enhance their children/granchildrens lives and some don't !.. it all depends on you and yours doesn't it really :) my daughters getting the nanny and gramps for a month tonight for the first time in nearly 3 years ( she is nearly 5 ) i can't wait for her to have that interaction and learn and love from them ... not as a babysitting service , just for her to just BE with them ..


to much partying to much booze gives you spots and makes you snooze!

sharon.

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Id love to have my Grandparents back here ( sadly they are long departed) , i do feel we all ( our household ) miss out on my parents being the other side of the world .. but i feel some familys and there members can enhance their chidren/granchildrens lives and some don't !.. it all depends on you and yours doesn't it really :) my daughters getting the nanny and gramps for a month tonight for the first time in nearly 3 years ( she is nearly 5 ) i can't wait for her to have that interaction and learn and love from them ... not as a babysitting service , just for her to just BE with them ..

 

Have a brilliant time - so excited for you all ... enjoy - Oh and take your tissues to the airport

 

xx


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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Thanks Ali , ill be even worse when they leave :) can't sleep im so excited !


to much partying to much booze gives you spots and makes you snooze!

sharon.

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How can you speak for another person :eek: how can you say that they are to close to their families? it is their lives and they live it like you live yours, just because you do not feel the same love does not really give you the right to say it makes you "gag"

We have a lot to learn from the way Italians and Spanish people care and look after their elderly relatives. In the UK a lot old people are dumped in a home to rot, to be forgotten and to be abused. In Italy they are looked after by the extended family and treated with the respect they deserve in their old age.

 

Sorry if you took offence, probably wrong choice of words to say 'gag'. I agree with your post, and I believe that other European nations have family at the heart of things which is certainly something that may well be missing from UK family life. I am a nurse and have looked after the old patients whose family have dumped them there. Sometimes families struggle with ongoing care such as those who have Alzheimers and a decision to 'place' them, not 'dump' them may have to be made. Sure as hell the UK government doens't invest in our old people and it is disgusting I agree.

 

As far as family being too close, if you revert to my original point I made at the bottom of the post i have seen families place soooo much importance on their nearest and dearest that it has made them ill and ended up in a psych ward with anxiety, so also place unrealistic expectations on them because they are 'family'........I wasn't speaking for another person, merely giving my opinion which is also my right.

 

P.S. I haven't seen the UK heatlthcare system learn anything from Italy and Spain....i see them slashing budgets!


Arrived 10th August....loving it

Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right ~Dr Phil

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How can you speak for another person :eek: how can you say that they are to close to their families? it is their lives and they live it like you live yours, just because you do not feel the same love does not really give you the right to say it makes you "gag"

We have a lot to learn from the way Italians and Spanish people care and look after their elderly relatives. In the UK a lot old people are dumped in a home to rot, to be forgotten and to be abused. In Italy they are looked after by the extended family and treated with the respect they deserve in their old age.

 

Also, do not make assumptions that 'i do not feel the same love'.....that is speaking for another person


Arrived 10th August....loving it

Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right ~Dr Phil

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