TheOptimist Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Yup, in that situation myself - married to an Aussie makes it very complicated! Best idea in that situation is not to be close to either family - so maybe 10 hours away is about right! If one of you is enmeshed with their family whilst the other has no one of theirs around it is very easy for the resentment to set in. I hate having to go to Christmas with my inlaws - lovely people though they are - because it just reinforces how alone my parents are at that time of year. However, to balance that, my parents have seen more of their great granddaughter than has my mother in law because when we go to UK, we go for weeks whereas when we go to the inlaws we only go for a few days (get more emotional blackmail from the m-i-l too although she now has serious dementia and isnt at all constrained about what she says). I can see the issues in my crystal ball waiting for me already. Yes, I can see how that would be pretty hard for both sets of parents. I am going to have to make extra extra efforts to call/skype etc so that my family in the UK don't feel left out. I guess even little things such as emailing them photos will help them to feel more part of my life. Though at the moment its a case of treading on eggshells when even talking about moving. Photos and emails won't make up for being so far away. I am just living in hope that my folks accept my decision to leave and don't resent me for it long term as then you get into the realms of resentment both ways which would be awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Flakey, This was a great thread mate. Something I have tried to gauge opinion on before. When we left we had every possile comment made by every member of the family. One aunt said (before we had our VISA!) "GOodbye, wont see you again I guess, have a nice life!" Other aunt said "Cant understand why you are going, you know we will never come out there dont you" Brother said "Really????" My Mum was dreadfully upset. Mum and Dad were going to emigrate here when I was 2 years old (38 years ago). Due to my Nanna and some of the things that she said at the time they changed their mind. Do you know what tho? My Mum always regretted it! WHen I `announced` we were moving to Oz, my mum was beside herself as we were living her dream! We were doing exactly what she wanted to do and couldnt. It took a while before Mum was able to talk about what our plans were etc etc Nothing was going to stop me though. I am a ` i have one life and am going to give it a go` kinda person so I did. Ironically......me being here then enabled Mum to live her dream! Parents are losing the thing that they love the most. They suddenly cannot just pick up the phone and call you when they want. They cant say `see you for a cuppa in ten minutes`. We all need to remember what they are loosing as well as what we are going to gain! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I can see the issues in my crystal ball waiting for me already. Yes, I can see how that would be pretty hard for both sets of parents. I am going to have to make extra extra efforts to call/skype etc so that my family in the UK don't feel left out. I guess even little things such as emailing them photos will help them to feel more part of my life. Though at the moment its a case of treading on eggshells when even talking about moving. Photos and emails won't make up for being so far away. I am just living in hope that my folks accept my decision to leave and don't resent me for it long term as then you get into the realms of resentment both ways which would be awful. I think (I hope) that your parents will come around to it Kat... it has been said before, its a form of grieving but hopefully this will enrich their own life/lives eventually. You are also being embraced by a new family and this is of course hard for some parents to handle.. give it time.. ultimately we as parents should just want "happy children" wherever in the world they may be. Having Australian partners I find brings so many emotions and joys, but one thing I have always been firm on is that I am able to enjoy my family (finances permitting) as and when I wish... and finances are an extremely important part of a successful mixed marriage as shallow as that may sound! There is the dreaded phone call of sickness or death... New births on both sides of the world etc etc.. and we find it works for us have substantial funds to either fly over or contribute towards fares etc. My husband has been exceptionally generous towards myself and family, with great empathy placed upon those special occasions like birthdays and Christmases which are always hard being away from loved ones... I would hate to end up a bitter old crow:laugh: primarily for my husband's sake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salma Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 This is a subject near to my heart, I will be moving in November next yr the process started a longtime a ago but it was stop start due to various reasons. My mum has never said don't go as she knows I am an independent sort and cannot be swayed, I think being from an immigrant family it helps as many of us have been apart from grand parents etc so it will be nothing new. Being married to an aussie it was always the long term plan. I would prefer to stay near my in laws as I feel it would be important for my child/children (don't have any yet but expecting first one in May). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chalkyhill Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I used to see my parents for a weekend every 2 months roughly when we were in the UK, my mother encouraged me to come over and I probably speak to them more using skype and the webcam. I am still young so we and they don't know if we will stay here permanently so there is no need for them to really be upset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin jc Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Hey All I seem fortunate in a way with, My Farther inlaw does nothing but encourage us to go (and i think he does like me, a bit) He has a pure Hatred of the UK it seems, dont go near him when he is reading the paper or watching the news, victor meldrew is cotten candy by comparison. The Mother inlaw I guess would rather we and her two grandaughter's ( and another on the way) stay but has never said anything to try to put us off. We have also told them we will always have a spare room waiting for them and the welcome matt out all year and this made it seem like an adventure for them also. My parents are long gone from this world so my only negative is an older sister who when i mention the visa progress goes into attack mode,,,,I get the,,,I have a friend who just came back and said they would never step foot in Aus again. Apparently all the things i dislike about the UK are ten times worse in Oz and theres a good chance i will die when i step off the plane and on a spider ( if i make it past the Crocs that wait in the arrivale lounge) Snakes hang around schools for the morning snack, BBQ's for lunch, and the pub when they want a bite with a few beers on the side. Dont get her started with swimming, if you swim in the sea it is standard that every third time you will be eaten by a shark, if you make it past the jelly fish that is. maybe if you are really unlucky you get eaten by a shark the had just eaten a jelly fish so once you are eaten you get killed again once you get in thier bellys....providing of course you get to the water, those dingo's like to hang around at the beach apparently. Now i might seem like an un caring fella when i say I LOVE IT, If she wants to put her feelings above ours (she will miss my kids) then so be it. I wont let it get in the way and again she will always be welcome to visit. My Brother??? He has just cut himself off from us all together, not spoken to him now in almost a year when he said,,,well we wont ever see eachother again as im not going to Oz, So the only two poeple left in my immediate family have gone awol on me. I say hey ho what can you do, they might come round in the end, Is funny, I started this reply to say how lucky we are with our inlaws being understanding but now when i read back i guess its my family side being negative. I know one thing for sure, If i stayed in UK to keep them onside i know once the window has gone i will resent them for holding me back and where would we be then? You cant make an omlet without cracking a few eggs, and i like omlet. Taxi All the best Kev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DannyCoyles Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 My in-laws arrived on Tuesday night so had a nice day off yesterday with them. They hadnt seen around much at all but after seeing us, how happy we are, the house we have and the area we live in they said we should forget about coming home. Nothing has changed, we would have no chance of getting a job etc. Hearing that was harder than them saying "come home". We are doing it for ourselvs and the kids, 1 very active 3 1/2 year old boy and a 4 week old boy. They have the chance to become anything here and their grandparents know that. They see all whats on offer and say they would have done the same thing as us and have told my sister-in-law to come here to. With holidays we will see them every 2 years. I know some people that live opposite sides of the UK and dont see their parents much more that that. I know its easier if you need to see them and the distance makes it feel worse than it is. We left when our son was 11 months old. He sees his grand parents every week on skype. As soon as they walked in the door he was up in their arms, took them on a tour of the house. At bed time he took his granny into his room to read his stories and fell asleep. I had a tear in my eye but was so proud of him. So good to know that skype helped keep their relationship alive and that they dont forget their grand parents no matter how young they are. It is very hard for them but we plan to bring them out for months at a time when they retire and lots of holidays in between. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cmorris Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 We also have this same issue, as I assume that most families do. We aren't too close to our family in the UK, don't take that the wrong way we love them dearly, but have never needed them for anything apart from a chat. They are not a source of child care, babysitting or a bank to us. We have decided to stage the move to Australia and move away from the area we grew up in first, but have still stayed in the UK. This seems a bit strange, but it gets us all used to being further away and using tools such as Skype to communicate, but also not being so close means that people still have to make the effort on both sides to communicate. This has worked really well and we are now in the habit of communicating via Skype and email etc. We have always had a better relationship with my wife’s parents than mine, which has not really changed since the move, but with both of them we actually have better conversations as we are not so 'on hand' so to speak. We are moving to Australia for a number of reasons and have always been very honest with all our friends and relatives, which I believe is the key. Even if they don't agree with your conclusions, they should have respect in your own ability to choose the life you want for yourself and your family, as they have raised you after all. We are moving to Australia (Melbourne) in November and are now just looking forward to the new adventures it will bring us. :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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