Now 2 eldest children being difficult!

[bennyboy]

Hi to all on PIO and Merry Christmas!

 

Well here we go again! Not only do I now have a problem with 18 year old daughter, but also my 21 year old son!!!

 

Both of them are saving so that when we do migrate, they will have saved enough money to sort out a place to rent, either with a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend etc etc.... BUT now my son is being really awkward and wants to buy a car on finance!

 

We have calculated the payments and all his outgoings etc and we think he is making a big mistake. He has been down this road before because he didn't take our advice into account! He is now wanting to cancel his savings account (of which he will be charged) so that he has more money in his bank account. He has got himself in financial difficulty in the past and history is about to repat itself!!

 

If he decides to go ahead with the car, he will not be able to save at all for Australia and so what do me and the o/h do? We want to migrate and are taking things steady, we can't just go and leave him or my daughter with no where to live when the time comes. They both know this is my dream and they are going to completely throw a spanner in the works. I am starting to think they are doing it deliberately.

 

Are they being selfish or are we? I am at my wits end and are starting to think that we should just forget it as maybe we should be thinking about there needs for the future and not ours?

 

They keep saying they will go when they are ready as they are Citizens by descent and there is no hurry. Me and the o/h don't want to wait indefinately because we don't know when my kids will be ready themselves. It's turning into a real nightmare.

I can't tell my kids what to do but i like to advise them because i care about them. I've always put other people first and now it's my turn to do something for me, they are adults now so surely they cant rely on me forever??

 

Sorry for the rant but i desperately need some good, sound advice and just to hear other people's dilemas that are similar.:cry: Cheers and many thanks for any advice.

[Guest guest33730]

You are not responsible for the decisions of your 21 yr old (or your 18 yr old for that matter). My guess is that if you stay in the UK your son will continue to make decisions based around his own desires - that's what young adults do.

 

Your decision therefore should not be based around your children's plans however you may still have to be prepared for the consequences if you don't consider them. For instance, my guess is that if you choose to go it may be some time before your 21 yr old chooses to join you especially if his finances are in a bad way - are you prepared for that? what if he never emigrates and settles in the UK?

 

Personally, I would make the decisions based on what I felt was best for myself and my wife, experience tells me that young adults will make there own decisions without too much regard for others and if you don't go now you will probably find your life will remain in limbo waiting for the fickle whims of your children.

 

Daniel

 

 

 

Daniel

[Pumpkin]

I think at 21 he is old enough to stand on his own two feet. It is no longer your responsibility to house him, clothe him or feed him. Plenty of 21 year olds manage just fine by themselves, they rent a room in a shared house, go to work and manage perfectly well. I know I was doing this by the time I was 22 anyway. You are being too kind. If you leave him to it, I am sure he will work it out for himself, like most people.

 

I would be a bit more concerned about the 18 year old, still seems a bit young to be on her own, but she has the option of coming with you if she feels she is not ready to go it alone.

 

You have done your job. It is your time now.

[Guest Noodle]

I lived on my own at the age of 18! A hard one as a parent but, your dream could disappear.... All the best Leila x

[Guest Guest31881]

Kids of that age are really a pain, prior to moving to Australia i left the West Midlands and moved to the Isle of Wight. My daughter moved with us but my 20 yr old son decided he did not want to move.

 

I found a house share for him to live in arranged to cover his deposit and first months rent. we went through all the various emotional blackmail you could think of. He accused us of abandoning him, throwing him out of his home plus many other accusations because he felt we were ignoring his feelings.

 

6 months after we moved to the Isle of wight he moved down to visit and when we spoke about how he was getting on he told me that he should have left home years ago and he loved being independent. You cannot win with kids. but you still have to live your own life. Both my kids still live in the UK and I do miss them, but they are old enough to make their own choices and they are happy with what they are doing.

[Quoll]

Let them do their own thing, stand on their own two feet and take responsibility for their own actions - that's probably the best thing you will ever do for them. If they come to Australia then OK that's their choice, if they decide to stay in UK then OK that's their choice. Just because it is your dream doesnt mean that it is theirs too. It's hard being a parent but sometimes we just have to do the hard stuff and let them get on with it.

[Guest flip]

What a mess. Don't know how you're going to make the decision - even if you put money away for their flights, when they decide to come they can't be leaving debts behind.

 

Doesn't your son need a guarantor to get a car on finance especially if he's had bad debts before?

 

Good luck, and if you do decide to leave them hope Australia is everything you dream it will be.

[Petals]

I left home at 17 good learning curve.

[Quinkla]

It seems to me that they have a choice of coming with you or staying behind. Staying behind has costs attached to it. When you move away they will have to find somewhere to live by hook or by crook – and if they’re not sufficiently independent then they’ll have to come with you. As long as you keep enough money aside for one way tickets to join you and make it clear that you’ll always have a bed for them then it’s job done.

 

My hunch is that they have no intention of emigrating; they want to start their lives where they are and with people they know. A car finance deal is a classic way of feeling that you are going to stay put for some time to come.

[carpetbelly]

I was on my own from 15 as my mum went and emigrated to barbados... my big regret, not seeing if I could go along too hehe. Saying that, I'm in Aus now and have made my own life with my own ups and down. Standing on your own two feet makes you.

 

I'd say go personally, both your kids are adults in the eyes of the law and by helping them out anyway you're still doing a lot for them. They've got to make their own minds up as to what they want to do, mistakes and all.

 

And you need to do what's right for you. It's not selfish, it's your life and you need to be happy.

[KIRK AND CO]

You said it 18 & 21 its time to fly. This one of the reasons we are waiting (not main )you have to let them go & just be there for first few years to help them if asked & they have to ask. Its the worst time to go to oz at the moment so why not wait till the move is in your favour.

[bennyboy]

Thank you to everyone for your messages. It is comforting to read them all. I must say I have put wrong age of my daughter, she is 19, 20 in May 2011. I certainly would not be puting any money aside for both of them for flights etc because we are giving them plenty of time to save for either coming with us or going it alone. If they both choose to blow their cash now then i am not in a position to replace it now or in the future. We have even delayed when we go just to give them more time to save so I have peace of mind that they can look after themselves once we migrate.

 

I would miss them so dearly but like many of you say, they are choosing there own path in life and so are we. Life is too short and if we don't do it now, it will just become a fading dream very quickly. We have the money in the bank for o/h spouse visa now so he will be sending it off in June 2011. Thanks again to all of you for your messages.:wubclub:

[Guest guest12791]

My partner and i are in the same position with our 20 and 23 year old daughters, both want to stay here and finish university. Their PR visa runs out also in january and thats a worry of mine in case if they are unable to follow at a later date !!!! I feel very sellfish and our friends are saying that they would never even think of leaving their kids but i quickly put them right by saying at 20 and 23 they are not young kids!!!!! we have a life to lead too and im so fed up here in england and this is our chance for a new life. I will miss the girls terribly and i know they can visit during the hols at uni but i think its hard for any parent. A friend of mine says if you dont go then at some point the girls might meet partners and end up abroad anyway, dont miss the chance!!!! its better to try than live a life of regrets, I THINK !!!!

[Guest Guest31881]

My partner and i are in the same position with our 20 and 23 year old daughters, both want to stay here and finish university. Their PR visa runs out also in january and thats a worry of mine in case if they are unable to follow at a later date !!!! I feel very sellfish and our friends are saying that they would never even think of leaving their kids but i quickly put them right by saying at 20 and 23 they are not young kids!!!!! we have a life to lead too and im so fed up here in england and this is our chance for a new life. I will miss the girls terribly and i know they can visit during the hols at uni but i think its hard for any parent. A friend of mine says if you dont go then at some point the girls might meet partners and end up abroad anyway, dont miss the chance!!!! its better to try than live a life of regrets, I THINK !!!!

 

 

My twins are now 24, and I had the same feelings as you do, Go and do what you feel you need to do, the kids can visit apply for visas and a hundred and one ways of getting to see you.

 

You have one chance, if you do not take it, then you may regret it for the rest of your life. if you come to Australia and it does not work at lest you tried it. and in years to come you will not be sitting at home thinking "What If"

[Quoll]

Once your kids get to 18 there is no telling what they will want to do. One of mine went for a post uni gap year to UK - nearly 9 years ago! I put him on the plane back "home" on Thursday - he came back for Christmas but was itching to get back to UK and to his career, fiancee and lifestyle. So even if they get to Australia there is no guarantee that they will stay. Having kids live on the other side of the world isnt easy but you get used to it and they grow up really fast then when you want to go home for a holiday you have somewhere to stay!!!

[Guest china]

I know this isn't the same thing but, I left home to discover the world at 19 without a thought for my mum (I am an only child, brought up by a single mother). Looking back, I see that it was probably really hard for her to lose her baby, and a huge part f her life, but she was happy for me, and supported me. I am obviously now planning on migrating to Australia with my partner, and will miss, and be missed by, my family but I have to think about my own life, and what I what for my (furture) children.

 

Basically, I am saying, I doubt they would consider you as much as you ar consideing them, and you probably wouldn't want them to. I'm just about reaching the age (25) where I realise how much my mother has done for me, but one of the main thing's she has done has instilled in me the strength to build a life for myself, and make my own decisions - I am sure you have done the same for your kids. IF it's right for them, they'll come soon - and I promise I grew up very quickly when I started mangaing my own money etc, and I am sure your son will do the same.

 

Good luck x