Could you leave your kids behind???

[Guest gozzo]

I applied for my 176ss visa about 18 months ago with my partner and two children aged 9 & 16.. I recently left my partner which was just before WA released their SS list which my trade is on........ The problem is I still want to go but I'm not sure I can leave my kids behind, And what makes it worse is that my eldest wants to live with me but doesn't wan't to go to Australia till she finishes her A levels.... All my family keep telling me I'm doing the wrong thing by leaving them, but I'm so unhappy here I don't want to stay...

[hope2]

You could always validate your visa and postpone the move till eldest finishes A levels?

[Guest gozzo]

Yes I've thought about that too but then things get even harder, Not only am I leaving my son but I'm taking his sister with me, I feel he would hate me for it... When I remove their mum off the Visa would I still be able to do the medicals with the kids or would I need their mums permision??

[hope2]

Sorry I wasnt thinking straight and understand your points.

You would need to have the mother's permission from what I can remember.

[Carlos fandango]

Yes I've thought about that too but then things get even harder, Not only am I leaving my son but I'm taking his sister with me, I feel he would hate me for it... When I remove their mum off the Visa would I still be able to do the medicals with the kids or would I need their mums permision??

 

 

Am I missing something.........I thought all that were included in visa had to see it through to the end.....so actually your ex cant be removed without it affecting your application

[Guest gozzo]

Am I missing something.........I thought all that were included in visa had to see it through to the end.....so actually your ex cant be removed without it affecting your application

 

In that case it's the end of the road for me! There is no chance she would see it through.....

[Pumpkin]

I don't think that there is any truth in the statement that you all have to see it through; relationships break down, that should not preclude you from getting a visa. It would open up a whole new legal can of worms though, in that if your son was on the application as a migrating dependent then you are probably going to have to court to prove that you have right to remove him from the country. I believe you will be ok with the 16 year old. I don't see why you should have to get mother's permission for them to take medicals, they are your children to, just take them one day.

 

That is my view on the situation. Regarding the dilemma, I tend to think that a country cannot make us happy or unhappy, Australia might be an adventure and a distraction, but if there is something you are unhappy about with your life right now, I am not sure you can blame it on the UK as a whole and assume Australia will cure it.

 

Anyway, I am going to give my opinion as you asked for it in the thread title.

 

I don't have children, but if I were lucky enough to have some, then I would think how blessed I am and no I could not leave them. Most women would be villified for such a thing too.

[Guest gozzo]

I don't think that there is any truth in the statement that you all have to see it through; relationships break down, that should not preclude you from getting a visa. It would open up a whole new legal can of worms though, in that if your son was on the application as a migrating dependent then you are probably going to have to court to prove that you have right to remove him from the country. I believe you will be ok with the 16 year old. I don't see why you should have to get mother's permission for them to take medicals, they are your children to, just take them one day.

 

 

That is my view on the situation. Regarding the dilemma, I tend to think that a country cannot make us happy or unhappy, Australia might be an adventure and a distraction, but if there is something you are unhappy about with your life right now, I am not sure you can blame it on the UK as a whole and assume Australia will cure it.

 

 

Anyway, I am going to give my opinion as you asked for it in the thread title.

 

I don't have children, but if I were lucky enough to have some, then I would think how blessed I am and no I could not leave them. Most women would be villified for such a thing too.

 

Yes this is a big part of the problem, I'm not sure if I could leave him behind..

[Guest madplumber2]

Tuff call mate, feel for ya

[Carlos fandango]

I'm only putting my 2 pence worth in....I'm not an agent or anything......As far as I'm aware all persons in the application would have to be living together, depending on each other and would have to do medicals together and also agree (together) that they want children to migrate..........so if you are no longer living together then one or all of these dont stand and if DIAC get wind of it then that would also be the end of your application......my advice would be to keep best buddies until you get your visa....then say your goodbyes !!!!!

[Guest The Gold Gang]

Yes this is a big part of the problem, I'm not sure if I could leave him behind..

 

It is very hard and you may find that going and leaving your son makes you more unhappy than staying here makes you - however, I can sympathise as I have a similar dilemma. I have four kids, the eldest one is now 18 and totally refuses to come with me and her Step Dad and I am leaving her behind in the UK at Uni, while the rest of us go. She has her Dad here and a soon to be Step Mum.

 

The thing to bear in mind is that your kids leave you anyway - thats what they are supposed to do...two years ago when we were all going, my daughter, then 16, was so unhappy that I agreed to wait until she was 18 and the deal was that she would then come and take a gap year and decide after that where she would live, in Aus or in UK. But she reneged on that deal at 18 and insisted on going to Uni here in the UK.

 

Don't get me wrong, I totally adore my daughter and it may break my heart to be without her so if we get to Aus, I may have to return to the UK, but I am going to give it a try. She has her own life to live and she is actually in support of us going and does not see any problem in coming to visit us. If I give up my dream to be here for her, am I going to regret it in years to come? And how will she feel if she then wants to leave the UK for another country at some point in her life?

 

So I'm just offering you a different view, I don't know about any of the other restrictions you face, I would have thought if your daughter becomes 18, you would both have to re apply anyway as she probably won't be considered your dependant then, thats what i seem to remember from my own investigations. You may be better to persuade her to go now but you will need her mother's permission.

 

Good luck, its a bummer, but maybe discuss it with your son - he might surprise you...

[Pumpkin]

Gold Gang - your daughter is 18, at that age she could go off to university at the other end of the country or in a different country anyway. But OPs child is 9 years old. Would you leave a 9 year old because "children leave you anyway" .... :wink:

[Guest itskaren]

I could never leave my children behind. Ever, no matter how bad things got for me.

[Guest guest36187]

I do not have the pleasure and priveledge of being able to have kids. I wish I did!

 

It would depend on what age the kids were as to whether I would leave. We had been discussing "moving" and coming to Oz for some years and been open with my stepkids. We put it off til they were almost 18 and working. We needed to know that they were settled and had jobs.

Before we left we set them up with wireless internet, laptops, the whole lot so they could contact us at any time. We wanted them to know that despite being miles away we still were there and were anxious to be a part of their life.

 

In almost 6 years I can count the emails we have had on one hand! Sad but true! Since we left the kids have pushed us to the back of their mind. Its as if we dont exist. Despite copious amounts of effort on `Dads part` and mine, Birthday and christmas cards are non existent, phone calls dont happen.....Its sad.

 

We phone, we text, we email , we write, we send cards. No response.

 

Just a different perspective on it.

[Parley]

Personally I could not leave my kids to move countries.

I do get very annoyed by some female posters who I perceive as having one standard for them and one for their ex husband/partner.

 

Many women profess they could never leave their children, and then proceed to take their children with them away to another country and away from their fathers.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees this as a double standard.

[Parley]

above post was slightly off topic.

What is the mother's position on the kids moving to another country without her ?

[Guest guest36187]

Many women profess they could never leave their children, and then proceed to take their children with them away to another country and away from their fathers.

 

 

I can understand where you are coming from. My OH ex-wife moved house (granted only about a mile away) but did not tell us! We went round to pick kids up and the hosue was empty. His kids at the time were about 5-6years old. We had to go to her mums house to find out where they were!!!! Her excuse......."well, I thought that the kids would have told you"

 

There are lots of good dads out there that dont always get the credit that they deserve. Thats why I told the story of how my stepkids have been. Dads can make all the effort in the world and things can still go wrong.

 

We gave my stepkids the chance to come with us. We said if they wanted to come, we would talk to their Mum and put things in motion. They were 16 1/2 at the time so were capable of making their own decision.

Son was in the middle of a 4 year apprenticeship and declined for that reason - he is now completed that, earning a fortune and doing a job he adores.

Daughter said NO! Not under any circumstances. I am happy here.

 

We accepted both their reasons and didnt push it.

 

I know my OH would not want to lose his kids if the boot was on the other foot but if the move gave the kids a better quality/start in life, he is sensible enough to see the rationality in that.

Hope I explained all that well!

[Guest The Gold Gang]

No, I don't suppose I would. I thought the OP's son was 16, sorry, my mistake.

[Pumpkin]

No, I don't suppose I would. I thought the OP's son was 16, sorry, my mistake.

 

He has two kids. :biggrin:

[Pumpkin]

I can understand where you are coming from. My OH ex-wife moved house (granted only about a mile away) but did not tell us! We went round to pick kids up and the hosue was empty. His kids at the time were about 5-6years old. We had to go to her mums house to find out where they were!!!! Her excuse......."well, I thought that the kids would have told you"

That is terrible! :eek:

 

There are lots of good dads out there that dont always get the credit that they deserve. Thats why I told the story of how my stepkids have been. Dads can make all the effort in the world and things can still go wrong.

 

We gave my stepkids the chance to come with us. We said if they wanted to come, we would talk to their Mum and put things in motion. They were 16 1/2 at the time so were capable of making their own decision.

Son was in the middle of a 4 year apprenticeship and declined for that reason - he is now completed that, earning a fortune and doing a job he adores.

Daughter said NO! Not under any circumstances. I am happy here.

 

We accepted both their reasons and didnt push it.

 

 

 

My guess is the children feel that he chose to live somewhere else and put a country before them. Would be a bit much for a 25 year old to have a strop about it, but I think it is more understandable for teenagers. I think this is the risk that any parent takes in these circumstances and is the one the OP needs to decide is it worth taking.

 

I know my OH would not want to lose his kids if the boot was on the other foot but if the move gave the kids a better quality/start in life, he is sensible enough to see the rationality in that.

Hope I explained all that well!

 

I don't tend to buy into the whole "better for the kids" arguments. I could if the child was moving from some war torn third world country to Australia, then the parent migh tbe doing the right thing in letting a child go, but not from one first world country to another. I think most children are better of with two parents in their life (even if the parents are no longer a couple) whatever country that might be in.

[Parley]

I agree with you Pumpkin. Well said.

[Quinkla]

I don't tend to buy into the whole "better for the kids" arguments. I could if the child was moving from some war torn third world country to Australia, then the parent migh tbe doing the right thing in letting a child go, but not from one first world country to another. I think most children are better of with two parents in their life (even if the parents are no longer a couple) whatever country that might be in.

Agreed 100%

 

This is an argument used by selfish parents who want to do whatever suits themselves regardless of the impact on their children or their ex partners. They pretend they are doing it for the children and who knows, maybe they end up convincing themselves if they say it often enough.

[Guest guest36187]

My guess is the children feel that he chose to live somewhere else and put a country before them. Would be a bit much for a 25 year old to have a strop about it, but I think it is more understandable for teenagers. I think this is the risk that any parent takes in these circumstances and is the one the OP needs to decide is it worth taking.

 

 

He definately didnt do that! The decision was taken with discussion with the kids. We didnt just say `oh guess what we are moving`. Since we moved we have tried to talk to the kids about everything. Given them options to come out and visit. Offered to pay for tickets etc. All thrown back at us.

I think most children are better of with two parents in their life (even if the parents are no longer a couple) whatever country that might be in

 

 

While I understand your sentiment I do agree to a point. Some couples I know do not get on and that can be detrimental to the kids. My OH and his ex struggle to get on. They grew so far apart that it really didnt work. The kids got more out of them as `single units` - Hope that made sense.

 

Edited to add: The worse part...knowing that your husband is suffering and there is nothing that you can do. That you have tried every avenue that you can to make things work.

[Guest flip]

Everyone has different motivations and values but, for what it's worth, I could never choose to be without my kids.

 

I always believed if we ever split up we should stay near the last place we lived unless both chose to move to the same area - fairer on everybody - not including abuse situations of course where someone who's been abused should be able to leave for self-protection.

 

I guess I thought it through when I watched Cold Feet and one character took her son away from her ex. I just couldn't do it to my kids or my partner.

[Guest guest36187]

This is a highly emotive subject for many people for a variety of reasons. Thank all for your opinions and contributions.

Thank you for discussing this with respect.