Dilemma: Stuck in Oz with spouse

[Guest siennarose]

I was hoping to get some outside perspective...

 

My partner (now husband) and I are both Sydneysiders who had spent the last 4.5 years living a great life in London...until the GFC hit. My partner was out of work for 10 months in London and I was working really long hours in my job. WIth little job prospects in London in his line of work he travelled to Sydney for a few interviews/meetings to see what the market was doing here. After 2 weeks back in London, he received a dream job offer in a well paying role in Sydney with his dream company. He had 3 days to decide on taking the role and even though we had discussed moving back many times, it's never the same when it becomes a reality. He accepted the role after not alot of discussion with me other than it being unrealistic to stay in London as we couldn't survive for another year if he wasn't working. True, but I didn't want to go.

 

I ended up staying on in London for another 4 months to finish up at my job where I had achieved rather alot and was sad to leave the buzz of the high flying career in London. I thought over the 4 months alone that I would come to terms with moving but I just ended up falling more and more in love with London and being in Europe. It's like that place was in my bones and I knew in my heart I didn't want to leave. But, I couldn't turn my back on an 8 year relationship, a planned wedding on the horizon and my best friend. I wasn't ready to do that.

 

So, I left London barely able to look out of the window as the plane took off and knowing that this wasn't good bye. I knew I'd be back.

 

I've now been in Sydney for 6 months and things have been a whirlwind. In the last 6 months, my partner bought a house which I moved straight into (unfortunately I wasn't on the papers as the sale went through while I was still in London), a car, I've organised a wedding in 3 months, done a bit of contract work........and to add to all that I found out I am pregnant. Alot to take in for anyone particularly as I am really missing my old life and haven't been able to cope very well with the change here. It's great being near family again, particularly with a baby on the way, but I can't but think that if I chose not to have this child and went back to where my heart is, I would feel free and happy again.

 

The work situation here for me is difficult too as there is more work in my field in London. I feel very isolated here, my partner works long hours, i have little friends, and on the work front no one really gets the niche industry I am in. It's all very unsophisticated here.

I feel like I will be stuck here with no job, a baby, and it feels like I have fallen down a black hole and my life has been sucked into a vortex.

 

Any advice or words of wisdom out there? If I had an abortion and went back to the UK, I think things would be very different but if I stay I feel like my unhappiness will impact the relationship with my husband and child (to be) and that could be a worse ordeal in the long term.

[onecrankypom]

Can understand you situation after working in my field in London and with my partner moving home to Brisbane i through i be able to pick up where i left in London 2 and half years later and two kids later i still not been able to retain my career which i had back home due to the wife not wanting to move outside QLD the work i have picked up is not challenging and all i can do is see the negative side of life here in oz when i'm not that type of person i miss the happy me Dont think your alone

[Guest Karenandco]

Wow! Yes a lot to take in in a short space of time of none of this is really that bad! Travelling is fun, exotic, different from the norm, but you have to look at all the positives too. You don't say how old you are......I have been there done that, had the london city job, yes it was fab, high flying. But London life is very fickle and the shine doesn't last forever, I am glad I am out of that now standing back from it. I think what you have now is more exciting and fulfilling, yes you have great memories of your career, but kids can travel too. When the Crisis is over in a few years time in the UK you could consider another stint there, this time with a nanny - of course but it's still do able! Myself I think you need to take stock and look around you and look at what you have, which is an awful lot.

 

I wish so much that I still had my family around me.

Karen x

[Guest famousfive]

First of all a big welcome to PIO. I think you will find it a very helpful support when things are all up in a heap and even though none of us can tell you what you should do we can at least act as a sounding board and help you get things out in the open.Sometimes things look clearer when written down too.

 

I am sure your head is all over the place at the minute which makes all the decision making harder.Reading between the lines I get the feeling you are unsure of the whole relationship at the moment and possibly feel as if you have been forced into some decisions and also left out of others.The fact that your partner bought a house seems to rankle,as does the work situation.Is your partner open to returning to the UK at all?Was having children on the horizon soon?Did you agree to buying a house?Did you feel you had no choice but return to oz?Was your partner aware of your concerns?

 

A lot of questions I know,and not much advice.Have you a close friend or family member you could open up to?I really think you need to let it all out,all the worries,all the pent up feelings about moving and all the confusion about what you want to do.Maybe a councellor?

 

I hope you can come to a decision that will be best for all concerned and wish you the very best of luck.Feel free to PM me if you need a chat.

[Quoll]

:hug: Looks very much like you are between a rock and a hard place.

 

You can live in a place you feel trapped in - I'm not saying it is easy, it isnt, it's bloody hard but at the end of the day no matter where you are in the world, it is the people you are with which is the key.

 

If you really do love this chap and want to grow old with him then basically there isnt much alternative but to suck it up and get on with it. Perhaps down the track you will be able to get some feeling of compromise - maybe a move back once the GFC has had its big impact or things look rosier in London. If not, then perhaps your compromise situation (like mine) is that he works so you can go back every year for a sanity hit. Having a child is certainly going to be a complicating factor and if you have any inkling that this relationship is not the one you want to grow old in then do seriously consider your options - leave before the child is born, have an abortion, have the baby adopted .... whatever you need to do (not everyone, of course, is going to agree to all those possibilities, but you will need to consider what is possible for you) because at the end of the day you have to look after yourself and do what is best for you and your well being (no one else is going to do that for you)

 

At the moment it looks as if you are grieving for a life lost and for a sense of self lost and at the same time being fearful of a future which isnt looking fulfilled on either count - reality, of course, may be quite different and once your baby arrives you have a new sense of self and fulfillment. In the meantime, dont be afraid to talk to your GP and describe the blackness which is hovering over you at the moment - GPs can arrange for (free) counselling which may help you get your ideas straight and develop some strategies for coping one way or another.

 

More :hug: and lots of good luck!

[Petals]

Guess its what you prioritise, is it you and what you want or you oh and a family.

 

In every relationship one gives a little to the other, if that does not happen relationship usually ends.

 

You say you needed his wage to live, he did not have a job, he now has a job so compromise.

[Guest AussieGold]

Wow, im sorry i have no advice. Just wanted to wish you well and hope that you can come to a decision that you can live with soon. :hug:

 

AG

[Eera]

When I fell pregnant all your emotions were mine too - no longer able to ditch everything to go travel, faced with having to give up a major part of my career. My primary emotion was "my life is over..."

 

You're feeling trapped and uncertain and your life has done a 180 in a short few months, but you won't always feel like that, take it one day at a time. London will still be there next year and the year after that. Is it worthwhile risking a long and (sounds like) happy relationship for right now?

 

Having a child is the most difficult, challenging, often mind-numbingly boring, repetitive, unthanked thing you will ever do, but I assure you, at the same time you'll be able to spend a hour watching him (her) sleep, and grab any excuse to bring his/her warm little body into bed to snuggle up against, it is very worthwhile, plus you do have family so don't be afraid to ask for help.

 

I had anti-natal depression, which evolved into post-natal depression simply because of not being able to reconcile my former life with the realities of the new one - you're not alone and seek help from an understanding GP. Zoloft is great in my experience, but won't be appropriate for everyone.

 

It's understandable you're feeling alone, but when you went to London initially presumably you didn't have a network of firends, so how did you meet some - can't you do the same here?

 

Ultimately it's your body, your life, your call, whatever you do people will be adversely affected. I'm groping to find a way to say "try and be pragmatic and make the most of it for now" without sounding like a lecture. Ask your husband to re-assess the situation in a year - if he can get a job in London again and is willing then think about relocating, in the meantime get close to your family again.

[Lisa&Martin]

There are two thoughts I have after reading your post.

Firstly, it sounds like your husband really tried to make things work in London. It can't have been easy for him searching for a job for 10 months with no success, all the rejections. It may have made him feel that what he had to offer to the job market wasn't worth anything, and he may have felt like less of a man as he was living off you. I can understand that when he was offered a job back in Oz (especially dream job in dream company) it would have boosted his self-esteem no end. He did give it a go to stay in London, but in the end you could both see that financially there was no future in it. I think it would be gracious of you to understand what he went through and at least give it as much of a go here in Sydney as he did in London. Perhaps his purchase of a house here was to try to offer you a home to come to and to be a provider again.

Secondly I think you need to put a line under the past. It has gone, time has moved on. You went to London and found a fabulous job and an interesting life, but you are not defined by your work. If you went back now without him, having given up on marriage, child and moved away from family I doubt it would all look as rosy in London as it did 6 months ago. I don't want to sound like I'm taking soundbites from a self-help book, but your future in Sydney is really what you make it. It won't help you at all in your marriage or pregnancy if you are looking backwards and wanting to be anywhere but here. Try to see this as a fresh start, an opportunity to do many things well that you have never done before, don't do them half-heartedly or with regrets.

Best of luck.

[B1K3R]

Hi there,

 

I can relate to what you are passing through. It's not an easy situation you're in and even though my story was a little bit different but it's very similar.

 

Had a great start to a wonderful career in OZ 10 years ago but my partner (today my lovely wife) wanted to go back to Europe (for various reasons). I wanted to stay there at all costs, but at the end I chose her since my inner self told me it was the right thing to do.

 

It was tough, frustrating and sad to give up that opportunity and I tell ye it was really hard for me to cope for many years. But today I look back and I see all the reasons why destiny wanted me to pass through this.

 

I have a beautiful family, love my daughter and wife more than anything else and I would not swap them for anything.

 

In my opinion, we all have to pass through certain experiences in life, to grow psychologically, mentally and maybe spiritually.... not sure why, but I feel that now I am a better, stronger and fuller person cause of these experience.

 

We all have different paths and at the end its ONLY you can decide what is really best for you. Just go somewhere quite, near the beach or on a park and reflect on not only what you want from life, but also what life wants from you!

 

Our life is an amazing journey, quite challenging and complex. Don't be afraid to take the challenges which you feel that you must take for your 'growth'. Just make sure that you and your partner discuss with honesty and openness what your goals, dreams and challenges are

 

Hope I did not confuse you and good luck with whatever you decide.

 

PS: Now we are going back to OZ after 10 years

 

Cheers

B!K3R

[Maisie]

Hiya

 

heart goes out to you and hope you are happy with whatever decision you make, whats for us in life wont pass us. My situation is I loved London but hubby hates it (Im not from there) came here and couldnt settle at all and then 2 months later Dad had heart attack and I was just pregnant. To be honest I was looking back totally unreasonable and wanted to up and leave and hubby was doing everything he could to make it work, I missed my highflying job, missed my family, couldnt fit in with people we had met nice people just different wavelength to me and we would never be friends normally. Anyway this went on and on and then I lost the baby here, totally devastated but it made me realise that this new life I had was about me and him not anyone else and we got through it . 2 months later I got pregnant again and Im delighted to say Im near the half way mark now, hubby brought me back to London and Ireland to see everyone there a few weeks ago (we are here now 1 year) and I can honestly say I was delighted to get on the plane back to Oz and still am. I begged hubby before for us to live in London and I honestly couldnt stick the traffic again after living there for years, Ireland is stunning beautiful and will always be home but its in bad recession. I think the first 12 months here is a massive shake up in life, its just you and him and like me you probably arent used to that yet. Maybe Oz is for you maybe its not but I was the worlds worst candidate for moving away and being homesick and I honestly really like it here now, still not love but Im getting there, best wishes on whatever you do, friend here since April is in the same boat as you and its not easy. Take care of yourself and hope things work out for you xxx

[Guest siennarose]

To everyone's responses,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. It's really apprecitaed and it's comforting to know that others out there have sacrificed their living preferences and got through it and that good things have come of it.

 

We've talked about giving it a go here for a few years which at least will give the UK a chance to recover, particularly in my partners line of work. And in the meantime here, I'm going to try consulting work and maybe look at studying my masters which I have wanted to do for a while now. I have booked in to see a counseller to talk through some of the points, particularly just making sure I'm communicating my thoughts etc to my partner and with all the pregnancy hormones flying around - to make sure I don't fall into the mind set of feeling trapped.

 

You're all right in that life sure is a challenging journey with many twists and turns and unexpected bumps (well literally at the moment!).

 

Thank you again,

 

SR

[Guest Karenandco]

.....please take care and hope all works out for you all.

Kx:hug:

[Guest Ian Rushton]

OMG I feel so sorry for you. At the end of the day it is your decision. By the way this is not Ian it is his wife Lydia. I think you should have the baby as a child and being a mother will really change you - if you don't you may regret it for the rest of your life?! Besides you have your family with you for support.

Our story - we emigrated to Adelaide in 1999 from Leeds in UK - then moved to Sydney and built a house - during which time I fell pregnant and now have a wonderful six year old boy. We sold our house last year and headed back to UK. But my husband could only get short contract and is now back in Brisbane. We are still in UK. I have found work and want to stay here - but there is no work for husband. I soooooooo don't want to go back to Aus - but may be forced to! UK and Europe are great and so much culture and things to do. Our son has grown so much physically and mentally during our year here and has taken so much in. I quite understand why you want to be back in UK and you have so much going on in your lives - think long and hard about it all. A baby is really precious. I had post natal depression in Sydney and had little or no support with no family in Aus - it was hard - but I would never give my son up for anything. Before I fell pregnant I really didn't think much of kids and never thought I would be a good mum having been a professional earning loads of money for most of my working life. But you know - money isn't everything. One day I am sure you will return to London. Hang on in there - you are special and your baby is special. You are amazing and remember that. One day you will be able to share your experiences with your child and travel here with them. Take care and hope this helps.