Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 New sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Reinsert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receiptin back of checkbook. 18. Recheck makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Diane Paul and the kids Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Nice one and very true,but you forgot to say 'scrape alloy wheels along kerb' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Nice One , Thats My Wife To A Tee. And She,s Not Into Pink ,god Help Me If She Was , Only A Joke Ladies. But True. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Hey!! I was hoping there was still some of us guys here, so I reckon its time for payback!:v_SPIN: Bring on the 'ladies' jokes gurlies.....I've got shedfulls of grief coming at you from here on!!!:biglaugh: Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Good About Time Us Blokes Gave A Bit To.come On Ladies Who Is 1st. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Oh well Scarletfever, nice one for trying to wind them up. I suppose they must be all busy rabbitting in one way or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Good About Time Us Blokes Gave A Bit To.come On Ladies Who Is 1st. THATS RIGHT!!! BRING IT ON!!! (can I just stand behind you for a while tho? Y'know, just to tie my shoelace!!.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women Pregnancy Q & A & More! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?! A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "OESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-" 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 8. You can'! t believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 1. Cats' facial expressions. 2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 4. Fat clothes. 5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 6. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 7. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 8. Eyelash curlers. 9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 no Scarletfever, im quite happy to back you up, so i'll let you lead and i'll be right behind you mate. Only full of confidence after i've had a beer. So i'll follow your lead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 no Scarletfever, im quite happy to back you up, so i'll let you lead and i'll be right behind you mate. Only full of confidence after i've had a beer. So i'll follow your lead. Gulp! the problem is tho Eddie...thats there are a few of the girls on here...quite, y'know....tough...actually....theres more than just a few.. There is one whos an Axe Wielding Homicidal Maniac....she's MENTAL!!! Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 what colour is she into? cant believe none of them are comeing on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 what colour is she into?cant believe none of them are comeing on This thread will be like that film, the 'Field Of Dreams'.. 'Build it and they will come' She's not fussed on any colour....just blood red! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Good joke, scarletfever, don't know whats up with them, they must be busy. When they see these threads i'm sure there will be a reply or two. Your anchorman has taken a step back and is waiting to see if we get bombarded! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Good joke, scarletfever, don't know whats up with them, they must be busy. When they see these threads i'm sure there will be a reply or two. Your anchorman has taken a step back and is waiting to see if we get bombarded! Yeah..not too far back tho' ok? I know some of these gurls...:unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scarletfever Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 In for the kill mate! A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes, and she came back with a pack of tobacco and some cigarette papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 That one did make me laugh, still laughing now Going to get myself a good joke book 2moro as i think you've just started a war with the ladies, and if being your anchorman i will need a joke or 2 to help you out with replies that'll be coming on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Working to fish Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Thanks for the laughs, i'm leaving it for now, will check thread in the morning. I truely hope all friendly ladies and partners will still give helpful advice when we post threads for useful info. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kdal Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 OK BOYS SO YOU BEEN UP ALL NIGHT TALKING ABOUT US AH!!!!!!! WELL HERE'S ONE FOR YOU SO WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!! A Woman's Poem He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him... Like his mother used to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Broughtons Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 Oh dear boys, we really are trying very hard aren't we!!!!! It's just as well we ladies are far too dignified to retaliate with ranting and raving. Oh yeah - forgot to say, just which of us is apparently an axe wielding homicidal maniac type of lady??? Just checking whether I need to sharpen it or not! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 bless boys !!! if only you knew our little tenee wennie secret,,,,, heh girls?????????? Cal x p.s have you forgot that little rule you learnt as kids ???GIRLS RULE BOYS DRULE!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 Two blonde women driving through wales. :unsure: When they get to Llanhyfryddawellehynafolybaarcudprindanfygogogof, they decide to stop and have something to eat. While ordering one of them asks the blonde waitress to settle an argument for them ? "would you please pronounce where we are " :skeptical: "Certainly she said" An replied, " Burrrr-Gurrrr-Kiinngg " :yes: "Anonymous." Ha as if i'm gonna get away with that.!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KP Nuts Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 5 secrets for the mans perfect relationship. 1, It is important to have a woman who helps at home, can cook, clean, iron and have a proper job. 2, It is important to have a woman that not only makes you laugh but understands a joke the 1st time its told. 3,It is important to have a woman that you can trust and does'nt lie. (ie, how much did those shoes/dress/handbag cost) 4, It is important to have a woman that is good in bed and likes being with you. (lying here IS acceptable) 5, The most, most important 1 though is that none of the above four women know each other. Mr KP Nut. (think i may have a headache later) C'mon Scarletfever you started, and Eddie you found that joke book yet!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynne2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Sorry Couldn't resist this one lol The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Abi&Dan Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?! A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 6. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. Brilliant :biglaugh::biglaugh: (but I thought eggshell was a bluey colour so maybe I'm not as much woman as I thought tee hee!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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