Trapped - So homesick but my kids love their new schools

[Guest BirdB]

Thanks for all of your comments. I am now on medication for my depression which is still not helping. I cannot even think of the future here at the moment, my only waking (and sleeping) thoughts are of how i can turn back time and i know how badly I am dealing with it but it seems so out of my control. I just want us all to be happy again. x

[Petals]

I feel for all of you that are homesick and its usually the females not the males or maybe they do not allow themselves time to be homesick.

 

Having been a child migrant and pulled here and there by parents I do not agree that it does not affect the children and that it is easy for us to adapt, going to new country and new schools is quite hard to do. Unless you have experienced it as a child how would you know.

 

I believe that whoever earns the most and can give the best life for a family is the decider.

 

Just like post natal depression, get out of the house go and do something, if you work go out after work etc, busy hands.

[Guest SophieKin]

Thanks for all of your comments. I am now on medication for my depression which is still not helping. I cannot even think of the future here at the moment, my only waking (and sleeping) thoughts are of how i can turn back time and i know how badly I am dealing with it but it seems so out of my control. I just want us all to be happy again. x

 

Hi Bird

 

I too know exactly how you are feeling. I wake each morning with a horrible feeling of regret, I wish I could turn back the clock and go back to my old life. I have spent 6 months thinking this and all that happens is that you end up in depression. I was a happy person before and loved my life - why I ask myself did I decide to move to the other side of the world? All I can say is that to others I do have a great life here, working less hours, nice house and car, lovely weather but that is worth nothing when you are so unhappy. I am glad I tried it, but am desperate to return home. It does get a little easier, but I dont agree with others who say to give it a few years - you will know where your heart lies and whether you can imagine your future in Oz.

 

I will return hopefully in a year as that works well for us as a family, however it will be a difficult year and I do worry how I will cope in that time.

 

I hope you are able to sort something out about your return. I am sure you will be happy again and that your children will adapt if you do decide to move back. Nothing is worth it if it makes you so unhappy.

 

Good luck

[Quoll]

Thanks for all of your comments. I am now on medication for my depression which is still not helping. I cannot even think of the future here at the moment, my only waking (and sleeping) thoughts are of how i can turn back time and i know how badly I am dealing with it but it seems so out of my control. I just want us all to be happy again. x

 

Did the GP offer you sessions with a CBT psych? if s/he did not then go back and ask for them. There are ways to keep the thoughts under control either with CBT or ACT. Wont change the situation but may make it a bit more comfortable to live with and hopefully give you a bit more control in your life :hug:

[mrcatania]

Thanks for all of your comments. I am now on medication for my depression which is still not helping. I cannot even think of the future here at the moment, my only waking (and sleeping) thoughts are of how i can turn back time and i know how badly I am dealing with it but it seems so out of my control. I just want us all to be happy again. x

OMFG..... I could have written this myself word perfect. I have also been told to go and get some happy pills..... I did not come half way round the world for that. I was happy this time last year FFS.

[SKW]

Thanks for all of your comments. I am now on medication for my depression which is still not helping. I cannot even think of the future here at the moment, my only waking (and sleeping) thoughts are of how i can turn back time and i know how badly I am dealing with it but it seems so out of my control. I just want us all to be happy again. x

 

Hello,

I'm more of a lurker on this forum but I could almost feel your despair when I read this post so I wanted to also add my support. I know it's not easy, we have been here almost 5 months and I still don't feel settled. I have a part time job, my son is in daycare and my husband is only now on the verge of getting a job. We have a lovely house here etc, but the feeling of it not being home is always with me. It is like a bereavement in a sense where some days hit me much worse than others. I can offer you no words of wisdom just a friendly ear if you want to pm me.

 

I really hope that you can find a way forward and feel some sense of happiness. Remember anti-depressants can sometimes take 4 weeks to kick in.

 

Take care. S

[Guest lifeinmono]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to say there must be lots of us in the same boat......We have been out in Aus almost a year now and I am now feeling very homesick. I think a lot of it is because I have had trouble finding work whereas my OH fell into a good job and is also doing a college course so has a lot going on for him. I am really missing family and friends now, its like a dull ache that is always there and I don't know if it will go away, however long we stay here. My OH also would like to stay for 3-4 years and then we plan to go back to live in the UK but I agree it does feel a bit like a prison sentence! I find myself planning a visit home and trying to encourge friends and family to come out and see us!

 

If anyone wants to meet up for a chat and a moan you are welcome to PM me......I am living in bayside

 

Laura x

 

Being in Australia has felt like a bit of a prison sentence to me in many ways. Lots of things that I really don't like about it and have never really felt at home here. I've got USED to it but that's NOT really the same as feeling at home. I've not really enjoyed things here - more kind of endured them.

 

The notion that you SHOULD be able to be 100% happy and content in Australia is s***. Everyone is different and we all have different tastes and needs. This idea that Australia is better for EVERYBODY is just wrong.

[Guest Mr Happy]

I still think a lot depends on where you live. If I had to go back to Adelaide or Melbourne I'd be one VERY unhappy camper!

[northernbird]

Being in Australia has felt like a bit of a prison sentence to me in many ways. Lots of things that I really don't like about it and have never really felt at home here. I've got USED to it but that's NOT really the same as feeling at home. I've not really enjoyed things here - more kind of endured them.

 

The notion that you SHOULD be able to be 100% happy and content in Australia is s***. Everyone is different and we all have different tastes and needs. This idea that Australia is better for EVERYBODY is just wrong.

 

Absolutely, it is all about where you currently live, where you came from and what you left behind. All of those things will be different for everyone and will influence how they feel about their new homeland.

[Guest uknozgirl]

Hi

I can totally understand how u feel, its really hard to settle into Oz life,{ but not for everyone}. I am here on holiday in the Uk and ive been so homesick, but now im here i am really looking forward to coming back to Oz and realise its the best thing we have ever done,i love been here with my friends n family but its def the place to bring kids up.

And guess what if you return in a few years what a gt experience!!

Good luck

xx

[scousers]

Hi , this probably won't help anyone but i feel i need to say it. I have been here for 22 years this year in Melbourne. Initially comming for 1 year to work with my husband. I have family in Melbourne and was brought up to think Oz was the answer to everything. Anyway i hated the first few weeks, but then mum came on holiday and i started to settle. We did go back for 1 year when mum was sick, but my husband is no fan of the UK (due to poor upbringing). So we came back, bought the house paid it off, moved have always worked. Then had our daughter who loves OZ and hates the UK ( i think that is just a fear response). Anyway about 3 years ago i started to think, i've had a good time but its time to go home. When i am in the UK "yes i can see the faults" and think Oz is best. But i am kidding myself, i am really struggling now, and having periods of feeling like i just want to go back to the life i left because i was told i would enjoy Oz. Stupid think is, my brother, his wife and son now live here and so does my mum and dad. But i still feel the same. I would love to talk to friends who grew up the way we did, and understand who you are. So, yes feeling trapped in a life which is totally not me. But rest of family like it (i think).

Just feeling really fed up today.

[Guest Mr Happy]

scousers you are dreaming about something that no longer exists. The very best thing you can do, as we did, is go back for a 'look see'. It will reset your thinking. I dream of Hampshire and Berksshire and lazy sunny days near the RAF Andover 'married patch' watching Bulleid 'pacifics' like Battle of Britains, West Countries, Merchant Navies, Schools, Lord Nelsons' screaming past at up to 100mph, but on return it just isn't there and you make do with the memories and watching 34067 Tangmere on a preseved line or if lucky a main line run. i've been here a lot longer than you but the memories outweigh reality till you return. Might not help but it's factual.

[scousers]

I have been back in 2009, and as much as i can see the faults, i think it will always be home.

[Guest Mr Happy]

Not for us. Different strokes fer different folks as they say.

[Guest lainy]

Not for us. Different strokes fer different folks as they say.

Have you thought about going back on holiday? I felt like you and have been here 4 years now, home is where the heart is and to be honest when I retuned on holiday I couldnt wait to get back to oz, then when I came back to oz I missed my friends and family again. Its swings and roundabouts. I think we ruminate about the things we had and done and find it tough to let go of the past.

I wish you all the best and hope you can find some peace with yourself from all the support and kind comments people have left for you.

We are all here for a chat so pm us if you want, your not alone. xx

[Petals]

Hi , this probably won't help anyone but i feel i need to say it. I have been here for 22 years this year in Melbourne. Initially comming for 1 year to work with my husband. I have family in Melbourne and was brought up to think Oz was the answer to everything. Anyway i hated the first few weeks, but then mum came on holiday and i started to settle. We did go back for 1 year when mum was sick, but my husband is no fan of the UK (due to poor upbringing). So we came back, bought the house paid it off, moved have always worked. Then had our daughter who loves OZ and hates the UK ( i think that is just a fear response). Anyway about 3 years ago i started to think, i've had a good time but its time to go home. When i am in the UK "yes i can see the faults" and think Oz is best. But i am kidding myself, i am really struggling now, and having periods of feeling like i just want to go back to the life i left because i was told i would enjoy Oz. Stupid think is, my brother, his wife and son now live here and so does my mum and dad. But i still feel the same. I would love to talk to friends who grew up the way we did, and understand who you are. So, yes feeling trapped in a life which is totally not me. But rest of family like it (i think).

Just feeling really fed up today.

 

We can waste our lives wishing we were somewhere else, wishing for yesterday, what we should be doing is living every day of our lives, we are like ants something can stand on us and take our lives away in an instant and as far as I know I only have one life.

 

If those of us who are homesick and wish to be somewhere else were to write down every time we felt miserable and wished for "what was" putting down the time we spent, I think we would find we are losing a good part of our precious lives.

 

No-one should forget the place they were brought up and I have wonderful memories of my childhood in UK but I cannot turn back the clock.

[Guest lifeinmono]

scousers you are dreaming about something that no longer exists. The very best thing you can do, as we did, is go back for a 'look see'. It will reset your thinking. I dream of Hampshire and Berksshire and lazy sunny days near the RAF Andover 'married patch' watching Bulleid 'pacifics' like Battle of Britains, West Countries, Merchant Navies, Schools, Lord Nelsons' screaming past at up to 100mph, but on return it just isn't there and you make do with the memories and watching 34067 Tangmere on a preseved line or if lucky a main line run. i've been here a lot longer than you but the memories outweigh reality till you return. Might not help but it's factual.

 

What a nonsensical and arrogant statement. You might feel disappointed by the realities of the UK when you go back there but that isn't what everyone experiences. Many are surprised by how nice the UK is and how all the doom and gloom they constantly hear about isn't evident.

 

So, get things straight and cease making absurd generalisations by referring to something that is PURELY your opinion as ''factual''.

[Guest uknozgirl]

Its really a very personal choice,u have to do what makes you happy and contenet in life,who cares what people think? For me i have had a reality check, and that will be good for me n my family as i was so homesick, and i now know perth is the best place for me and my family, but i will dearly miss everyone.

Good luck

xxxxxx

[Petals]

Thanks for all of your comments. I am now on medication for my depression which is still not helping. I cannot even think of the future here at the moment, my only waking (and sleeping) thoughts are of how i can turn back time and i know how badly I am dealing with it but it seems so out of my control. I just want us all to be happy again. x

 

As someone who has suffered a major case of depression, do not give up, the tablets you are on will take a good couple of months to help, also if these tablets do not help there are many different ones, everyone is different. I tried about six types before finding one that suited me.

 

Also from my experience with sri's all of us are different and I am very sensitive to their effects so its necessary for me to start on a very very small dose and gradually build up over weeks to get the full effect.

 

I hope that you feel better soon.

[Siblin!]

I was in pretty much the same as you , it was all about the kids and believe me i live for my children and want the absolute best for them but i came to a realisation , a light bulb came on ... I thought... My children are apart of 'MY LIFE ' which i am still living and still experiencing , they should be a part of my experiences . When they grow up their children will be a part of their lives and where they choose to live and what they choose to do in life . As long as we love and cherish our children , show them openness , kindness trust and friendship , they will flourish and they will cherish you in return . Always be calm and comforting and explain your reasons for returning home.

 

And i know you know all this but it is so true ...good schools are great but your kids will survive .

My children are in one of the best schools in Australia and are on Academic extension programmes , doing very , very well .

But remember this ...they will leave school and maybe leave and move anywhere around Oz , Asia , Europe ...where does that leave you ...where do you want to be ...what do want form your life ? After all it is still very much 'Your Life'.

[Guest jeza]

wow, I really do feel for you. Save hard for lots of visits back, I would be making that my focus. Easy for me to say, because we will be moving from NZ to Australia, but really, what other option do you have? Even if you go back every year on your own would possibly give you a positive focus. Is that an option? Would that give you a purpose to strive for and get you out of this depression?

 

If your husband is the main income earner, he really needs to be happy in his work. It is really hard to get up and go to work for long hours everyday. I think you are lucky to have a happy husband who sounds very supportive of you - although I am sure it is very hard for him to hear your pain too. I also think you are so lucky that your children have settled well! That alone would make me sooo happy, but like I say, I only have to fly back to nz for visits, so your pain must be very strong!

 

My biggest worry is that my children, who are totally settled and happy now, will be miserable and friendless. THAT would make me very depressed, but so would having my family so far away.

 

Save Save save, and look forward to any visit you can get in. Also, it is everyones responsibility to make sure the money gets saved every year so that mum gets her yearly/biyearly visit back home. It is up to your husband, children and yourself to forgo afew luxuries so that you can absolutely be certain you will get to go back, even if it is on your own, regularly. You need to build a life where you all get to have the best of both worlds, and these days, you can.

[Guest BirdB]

Thanks for your lovely post, I think you are right about happy parents = happy children, my kids are starting to be effected by my unhappiness and that is not fair on them or anyone. We need to sort this through but first i must get myself feeling better. xx

[Guest jeza]

glad to be able to help. Hope you find a practical way to make this work, and that your family actively help to make it happen too

 

jenny

[Guest sunnysa]

Absolutely correct, it is your life, your children will go where they want to go and you may be left behind, question is where? We asked our lads (16 and 24) if they wanted to go live in Australia. They both said yes, but the eldest would not be coming with us right away, maybe a couple of years down the track as he was in a relationship and just finished his degree which had been paid for by his company. Six years down the line, we have been here five years, the eldest has been out here on holiday at least five times, but has since we left the uk, he has moved to Reading and has found the job of his dreams. He was sent to America to work for 15 months where he met and married an American girl and is in the process of being seconded to America to work for another two years. He is adamant that he will come to live and work in Australia after that. The hardest thing we have ever done in our lives was to leave our son behind. I feel such guilt about it, but have discussed it with him and he says it was Definitely the right thing for us to have done. We have missed out on a few things, but we have had great holidays and quality time with our sons which I know would not have been the case if we had all stayed behind in Scotland. Our younger son loves Australia and we wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Although it was hard, I am so glad our lads supported our move to Australia, we are living our dream and they can have as much of that dream as they want, they are happy for us, and they know how different our lives are now that we live in this beautiful country with a lifestyle we could never have had in Scotland.

[Guest jeza]

You have done it the right way. Your son is in his 20's so he has his own life now of cause. But you love him, and you have made those all important visits happen. You have found a whole new way to enjoy your children in their adult years - amazing holidays together. Look at other families, are they doing that as much as you are? Do they scream and get all excited when they see each other? No they take each other for granted because they are always there. Sad but true. It would be great to hve that feeling of, wow, I miss you so much and am ging to treasure our time together and not moan about picky silly things that families do moan about, and most importantly, to begin the excitement of saving for the next family get together all over again. The trick is for everyone in the family to realise that visiting family is now a financial priority, like food and electricity. Money needs to be put aside every month, especially if someone in the family is really missing home. I think birdb is making a huge sacrific staying, and must love her family very much to do so, BUT now they have to make some sacrifices too - like no fancy mobile phones for the kids, less spending on clothes etc. Mums visits back to the uk have to be as important as buy food for the table. This way they all get to stay (Lucky them) But birdb does not lose contact with family and friends back home. Moving back to the uk might just create an unhappy husband and children and birdb will still be unhappy living with that I am sure. I would be demanding Yearly visits minimum!

(Yeah well, I am from the NZ so I do not know how much it cost. . . . sorry, but I think mental health is a priority here, and it is possible to sort it out without moving everyone back and creating other problems for yourself.:wubclub: