Trapped - So homesick but my kids love their new schools

[Guest BirdB]

I moved here with my husband and 2 girls aged 10 and 12 in October last year after 3 years of stress and heartache. Now my worst fears have happenend, they love it quite understandably as they are in fantastic schools and my husband has a job he enjoys on a lot less hours than in the uk - but I am feeling so badly homesick I cannot even think about the future here.

My most overwhelming feeling is guilt, the kids were in good schools in England and we had family around us especially my mum who devoted herself to us all. I have a terrible fear that if I decided I couln't cope anymore and dragged us all back, I would end up without a decent school for the girls as the competition for places is so fierce. It took my youngest daughter a long time to settle here as she is very anxious and shy and due to her age, she would have be thrown into a scary high school after being nurtured in a small caring primary school which she now loves.

I spend every day in tears feeling lonely and worrying about what I have done and wondering if I should just learn to live with the pain I have created rather than run the risk of ruining their lives.

We have skype and free calls to Uk, I do have some good friends here too but the ache in my heart wont go away.

Australia is an amazing place I want to be happy here but my heart won't let me.

[Guest tracyinsydney]

Learn to live with the pain - No. If you really can't be happy here whats the point, thats what my OH said to me. Kids adapt to change, if they managed to settle in here they'll manage it if you go back. What will affect them more is if they can see how unhappy their Mother is.

[sykestykes]

Hi Bird

 

I can totally identify with your feelings of homesickness - it's not just a general "I miss people" feeling, it's real and horrible and colours your view of everything around you. Like you I am very close to my family and the feeling of not having them there has been a big wrench for me.

 

I'm not going to roll out the old chestnut that you "haven't been here long enough" to settle, only you and your family know how you've been affected and what's best for you. All I CAN tell you is that for me, those despairing feelings began to subside after about six months and I don't feel half as bad as I used to. I still miss people but not to the extent I feel I can't cope without them any more.

 

The worst thing is having to weigh up the pro's and con's. There are huge benefits for you living here as you have said, and other pluses for you to return.

 

I wish you all the best of luck, and please come back to talk to us so you can work your feelings through - only someone who has emigrated will understand how you're likely to be feeling.

 

Sue x

[Guest Bettyboop]

BirdB my heart goes out to you, I dont have any good advice to offer you but I wanted to say that I hope you manage to come to a decision. Have you spoken to you OH about how you feel? I know sometimes when you see they are so happy its hard to tell them how you really feel. Whereabouts do you live?

 

Love

 

Angie x

[thewebweazel]

You need to give it a few years 3 or 4 before you can say you have made a go of it. Every one gets homesick. Even after 8 years in the UK with this a cold winter I'm feeling pretty homesick for Africa!

Give it time don't make any rash decissions just yet! It will get better after you have made a few friends. Expat friends are especially important as they understand what you are going through, go and find some :')

[Guest Guest31881]

Hi,

 

I do feel for you and I think what you are experiencing is the same as the vast majority feel when they have been here a few months, You are missing your family and the comfort you get from having family around you.

 

Unfortunately there are no hard and fast rules for overcoming this feeling and everyone’s experiences are different. I get the impression that you are alone all day and that will not be helping you, it gives you to much time to think about your family back in the UK and what things were like there. Have you looked to see if there are anymore PIO members in your area who you could meet up with for a cuppa and a chinwag, you may feel happier talking to like minded people who have felt the same as you do. Only people who have made the move can understand the feelings you have.

 

Ultimately you will have to do what you feel is best for you, that could be go back to the UK or it could be stay in Australia. Have you talked to your OH about how you feel; hiding your feelings can only make things worse for you.

 

I hope you can find a solution to your problem and what ever you decide I wish you well for the future.

[Poca&Dan]

Hi,

 

Reading your post brought a tear to my eye! I am feeling the same (though I do not have children so my heart really does go out to you!), and sometimes hearing 'you haven't been here long, it gets easier' is a bit like rubbing salt in the wound! Then you feel you can;t talk to anyone about it as everyone says that!

 

My homesickness has just come on this last week and at first I thought I had ruined my life, OH has a fantastic job and we have settled really quickly and smoothly, but like you my heart just doesn't sit right here!

 

I have had a long discussion with OH about what I am feeling, and he has agreed that if I cannot settle we will go home, but he really wants to stay for the next 2-3 years. I know people say you have to give it a few years to really say you have tried, but when you are in this situation that feels like a prison sentence! Nothing can prepare youf for the feeling of being trapped by a country!

 

Like an earlier poster said, children are adaptable, as long as they are in a loving environment they will be fine, you just need to sit down a talk to OH, see if you are on the same page and go from there, and ultimately, like myself, one of you will have to make the sacrifice! It is ultimately down to who is going to be able to cope better with their own misery?! Unfortunately for my OH in our relationship, he will cope better than me!

 

If you want to chat with someone who is feeling s**tty as well, give my a pm!

 

Poca x

[Quoll]

Aw hang in there it is a horrible feeling. Chances are you will become desensitized over time but there are things you can do to dull the pain a bit - take yourself off to your gp for starters as you could be experiencing situational depression. You can get some cbt counselling. Bottom line though, put a time frame on your decision making and hopefully get your oh to agree to return with you if in, say, 2 years. Getting a job or doing volunteer work can help keep you going. Good luck!

[Bobj]

It's nice to be sentimental and remember the family you left behind, but that is dwelling in the past. Look forward missy and you will see where you are going; don't look back, or you could trip up.

Remember, your family is with you and their future is in your hands. And be positive.

 

Cheers, Bobj.

[Que Sera Sera]

All I can say is I really feal for you but if my children and my Husband were happy and it were just me that werent I would never drag them away for the sake of my own happiness. I have had this conversation many times with my Husband, if I am lonely when all are out of the house then I will get a job or volunteer or get myself out and about but I could and would not risk my families happiness because it were taking me longer to settle.

 

Having said all this I am not yet in your situation and I may well feel the same as you but I you owe it to your family to try before you uproot them again.

 

I have an idea of your pain my eldest daughter wanted to go and live with her Father in Australia and I had to let her go because to deny her would have been too cruel, that was 4 years ago and I have seen her once since. But its her life and I could not allow my selfish hurt to stop her future.

 

I wish you all the best and the greatest strength to get through this trauma and I do strongly believe it will get better.:hug:

[Guest Magnetic6]

Hi BirdB

Like Poca&Dan your post brought a tear to my eye because it's so heartfelt.

We'll be moving to Australia later in the year and like you i've got a diamond for a mum who is my number 1 support. Luckily for me, my mum and dad are in a position to visit every year. Has your mum come out yet? If she hasn't what about treating her to a visit, it would probably do you the world of good.

Even if you can't afford it i'd bang it on a credit card...what the heck!

If i was in your position i'd just tell myself i'm giving my kids a couple of years of experiencing a different culture,a bit more sunshine etc but i'm heading back after that. It might just be enough to keep you "sane" and chances are by then you'll love your new lifestyle and if not ....well you've given it your best shot.

:hug:Natalie xx

[Guest Laura100]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to say there must be lots of us in the same boat......We have been out in Aus almost a year now and I am now feeling very homesick. I think a lot of it is because I have had trouble finding work whereas my OH fell into a good job and is also doing a college course so has a lot going on for him. I am really missing family and friends now, its like a dull ache that is always there and I don't know if it will go away, however long we stay here. My OH also would like to stay for 3-4 years and then we plan to go back to live in the UK but I agree it does feel a bit like a prison sentence! I find myself planning a visit home and trying to encourge friends and family to come out and see us!

 

If anyone wants to meet up for a chat and a moan you are welcome to PM me......I am living in bayside

 

Laura x

[sykestykes]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to say there must be lots of us in the same boat......We have been out in Aus almost a year now and I am now feeling very homesick. I think a lot of it is because I have had trouble finding work whereas my OH fell into a good job and is also doing a college course so has a lot going on for him. I am really missing family and friends now, its like a dull ache that is always there and I don't know if it will go away, however long we stay here. My OH also would like to stay for 3-4 years and then we plan to go back to live in the UK but I agree it does feel a bit like a prison sentence! I find myself planning a visit home and trying to encourge friends and family to come out and see us!

 

If anyone wants to meet up for a chat and a moan you are welcome to PM me......I am living in bayside

 

Laura x

 

Laura, I'm sure one of our members Rudi put a thread out for coffee in Bayside just recently, I'm sure she'd be happy to have you along to meet some new friends! I'm a bit too far North to join you.. hope you can go along!

 

Sue x

[Guest Laura100]

Laura, I'm sure one of our members Rudi put a thread out for coffee in Bayside just recently, I'm sure she'd be happy to have you along to meet some new friends! I'm a bit too far North to join you.. hope you can go along!

 

Sue x

Sorry Bayside, Melbourne......thanks though x

[sykestykes]

Sorry Bayside, Melbourne......thanks though x

 

Ah....tis a bit far for you, then! I hope you start to feel better soon Laura :wubclub:

 

Sue x

[Guest meme]

I moved here with my husband and 2 girls aged 10 and 12 in October last year after 3 years of stress and heartache. Now my worst fears have happenend, they love it quite understandably as they are in fantastic schools and my husband has a job he enjoys on a lot less hours than in the uk - but I am feeling so badly homesick I cannot even think about the future here.

My most overwhelming feeling is guilt, the kids were in good schools in England and we had family around us especially my mum who devoted herself to us all. I have a terrible fear that if I decided I couln't cope anymore and dragged us all back, I would end up without a decent school for the girls as the competition for places is so fierce. It took my youngest daughter a long time to settle here as she is very anxious and shy and due to her age, she would have be thrown into a scary high school after being nurtured in a small caring primary school which she now loves.

I spend every day in tears feeling lonely and worrying about what I have done and wondering if I should just learn to live with the pain I have created rather than run the risk of ruining their lives.

We have skype and free calls to Uk, I do have some good friends here too but the ache in my heart wont go away.

Australia is an amazing place I want to be happy here but my heart won't let me.

 

Hi BirdB

 

I feel for you, it's a very difficult situation to be in. one i have been in too. Some people slot into the life in Oz very easy, but when you get that nagging doubt, it's hard to shake off, especially as you have the guilty feeling of all that has gone in to getting there and uprooting. But you MUST remember, children are very adaptable, and if you had them in a good school in England and got them into a good school in Oz, you can always get them BACK into a good school again if you returned home, they will be ok, their security lies with you, not their environment.

I too, spent many a day beating myslf up about the whole situation, however, i did return home, it did break up my marriage in the process (i'm not saying that will or should happen to you, or it's right to do so,my ex husband was adamant i was out of my mind returning and would come running back), however, i DID return home after 6 months after feeling like you did, and also had plenty of advice to stay longer and give oz much much more of a go, but i knew in my heart it wasn't right and returned and i can honestly say it was the best decision i ever made. My girls adapted very well and are doing very well too back here, but that's just me, you need to speak to your husband and let him know how you feel, maybe a bit longer there MIGHT do you good and you may shake off the homesickness. I'm not trying to encourage you to come back, just letting you know how it worked out for me, it is a very difficult experience to go through when your feeling like you do.

 

Good luck.x

[Guest Guest37175]

Hi BirdB

 

I feel for you, it's a very difficult situation to be in. one i have been in too. Some people slot into the life in Oz very easy, but when you get that nagging doubt, it's hard to shake off, especially as you have the guilty feeling of all that has gone in to getting there and uprooting. But you MUST remember, children are very adaptable, and if you had them in a good school in England and got them into a good school in Oz, you can always get them BACK into a good school again if you returned home, they will be ok, their security lies with you, not their environment.

I too, spent many a day beating myslf up about the whole situation, however, i did return home, it did break up my marriage in the process (i'm not saying that will or should happen to you, or it's right to do so,my ex husband was adamant i was out of my mind returning and would come running back), however, i DID return home after 6 months after feeling like you did, and also had plenty of advice to stay longer and give oz much much more of a go, but i knew in my heart it wasn't right and returned and i can honestly say it was the best decision i ever made. My girls adapted very well and are doing very well too back here, but that's just me, you need to speak to your husband and let him know how you feel, maybe a bit longer there MIGHT do you good and you may shake off the homesickness. I'm not trying to encourage you to come back, just letting you know how it worked out for me, it is a very difficult experience to go through when your feeling like you do.

 

Good luck.x

 

Thanks for such a good post Meme. I do think you've hit the nail on the head. Kids may struggle with adapting to changes in their environment caused by moving country, but that's much less than the impact upon them of having unhappy parents.

 

I'm very sorry to read that moving to Oz contributed to the break-up of your relationship. There have been times during my lowest moments over here when I've thought "I've just gotta get home" and it's only been through hard work and good communication that my OH and I have kept it together. It's such a complicated balancing act trying to do the right thing by everyone that I'm surprised that more relationships aren't ended by the push-pull over which country to live in.

 

It's good to hear though that your girls have settled well back in the UK, that's always heartening to hear news like that when you're planning the move home!.

[Guest BirdB]

Thank you so much for everybody's kind comments, it is sad how many people feel the same way as I do, but it really helps to hear all your points of veiw. My husband wants to give it more time which is probably right but I still cry every day and worry about the school situation in the Uk and how much more difficult it will be the longer we leave it. My youngest daughter who is very sensitive and shy is 10 and would be starting secondary school in the uk in September, she still has another year and a half at primary here in queensland, so for her to go back would mean putting her straight into a uk high school where everyone already knows each other, after being cossetted in a cute little catholic primary, she had enough problems coping with that when we first arrived. My only hope is getting back in with their old friends which could mean a waitiing list for goodness knows how long, and that is provided we can afford a house in the area. You see! - it is easier just to stay! WHAT CAN I DO?

Thanks again x

[Guest rayman1]

I felt guilty because the wife give up alot to come here when she did not want to. My daughter does not like it here and cant wait to return. The wife has admitted she will be happy anywhere where we all are so that is why we are going home and hopefully not struggle financially as we would here. Every one is right though when they say why stay if it feels like a prison sentence. It has been killing me everyday and to cap it all lost my job last week!!!

[Quoll]

Thank you so much for everybody's kind comments, it is sad how many people feel the same way as I do, but it really helps to hear all your points of veiw. My husband wants to give it more time which is probably right but I still cry every day and worry about the school situation in the Uk and how much more difficult it will be the longer we leave it. My youngest daughter who is very sensitive and shy is 10 and would be starting secondary school in the uk in September, she still has another year and a half at primary here in queensland, so for her to go back would mean putting her straight into a uk high school where everyone already knows each other, after being cossetted in a cute little catholic primary, she had enough problems coping with that when we first arrived. My only hope is getting back in with their old friends which could mean a waitiing list for goodness knows how long, and that is provided we can afford a house in the area. You see! - it is easier just to stay! WHAT CAN I DO?

Thanks again x

 

You really need to sit down and agree to make decisions before your children are of GCSE age - until then you do have the sort of luxury of choice but once your child misses the GCSE boat it will be nigh on impossible for you to move - probably ever - because once one has started year 11 then you are here until they have finished year 12 and possibly then uni and then you will have them with relationships and you will have grandchildren before you know it and there will never be a right time then unless you fancy leaving children and grandkids in Australia. It will truly be a life sentence

 

It is very easy for people who havent had to do it to say that they will immolate themselves on the sacrificial fire if their nearest and dearest "absolutely love" Australia but doing it is another matter entirely. Even the most self sufficient and competent of us struggle with the day to day imprisonment and whilst jobs and volunteering can go some way to alleviating the pain, if you are clinically depressed because of the place you live in (and that is perfectly possible) then facing every day can be an Everest and the harder you have to work at it the harder it becomes or you can be pharmaceutically enhanced out of your brain so that you dont feel the pain (or anything else probably). CBT can certainly help but that is hard work too when you have to use all the tricks in the book just to get out of bed in the morning. (Sorry, hyperbole there but people who havent done it have no concept of just how hard it is to do!)

 

I would also suggest, if the issue continues to cause difficulties between you and your OH that you seek out marriage guidance counselling (Relationships Australia are very reasonable) and it will give you chance to both say your bit with an impartial third party mediator and maybe you can agree a compromise in that way rather than it appearing to be you the constant whinger putting a spanner in "their" works - it says to the OH that you are serious about working on your marriage but that you need help/compromise to do it.

 

Look after yourself, you are your kids' most valuable asset and all the 4bed homes with swimming pools are not going to compensate them for an unhappy mum.:hug:

[Guest JulieW]

Thank you Quoll for a great post. I feel I have to stay here as my husband and children are happy and I would be causing massive disruption just because I want to go home. But, as you say, actually making that sacrifice is hard. Thanks also for summarising the whole "GSCE influences the rest of your life" issue. My daughter is in grade 7 and we need to get back by year 9 for her to then do GCSEs in years 10 and 11. I have to somehow find the strength to make it happen and accept the responsibility of forcing the issue.

 

Julie

[Guest BirdB]

Thank you Quoll for a great post. I feel I have to stay here as my husband and children are happy and I would be causing massive disruption just because I want to go home. But, as you say, actually making that sacrifice is hard. Thanks also for summarising the whole "GSCE influences the rest of your life" issue. My daughter is in grade 7 and we need to get back by year 9 for her to then do GCSEs in years 10 and 11. I have to somehow find the strength to make it happen and accept the responsibility of forcing the issue.

 

Julie

Thank you Quoll from me as well. Julie you sound the same as me I too have the ticking clock, my eldest is grade 8 and youngest grade 6. I just need to make everyone understand that I dont actually have the time to 'wait and see' I wish I did and 2 years would not be a problem. Where do you live, I am in Brisbane?

[Guest Mr Happy]

Lack of GCSE didn't hurt me. I havn't earnt less than $150k for about seven years.

[Guest JulieW]

Hi BirdB, we're in Melbourne. Good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

Mr Happy, lack of GCSEs may not have done you any harm but, for the majority, it is better to have them if you're planning to live and work in the UK. Besides, salary isn't the only measure of success in life.

[Guest annabannana]

i cant tell you what i would do im ot in your position . My aunty and uncle ( nearly the same age as me lol ) went to live a new life in nz and they were really looking forward to it . Then it set in stright away the feeling of dark lonelyness and homesick although she had friends and ho a job , she lost 2 stone , was crying all the time her emails were so sad.

She has been there 2 yrs now and the change is unbalieveable she loves it , it just took time to adjust and not looking back on uk with rose- tinted glassess. She doesnt know if shel stay forever shes deff staying anouther 3 yr to get citizenship then maybe au who knows but she got through it .

Everbody ses it i know but give it time and in a yr you may have settled better but give it a yr and see. my aunt got through it and she was a wrek. keep busy . have you got a job too ? remember why you left ! i told my aunty this week that i was going to send her picks of things that had changed , roads , her old house, were she worked the litter on the streets and even the dog muck all over lol ( nothings changed much except the countrys getting worse and think of what YOU have seen and done in the last 2 yr much more than you would have here , LIFE IS A ADVENTURE, TIE IT TO A GOAL NOT PEOPLE OR THINGS XXXX)