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hillyman

leaving 19yr old daughter

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Hi all, thought all a long that my daughter would come with us but she say's she's not

why can't i leave why am i tugged between my husband my youngest daughter (13) and my 19yr old wish i hadn't started the whole process, sorry for the rant.

Paulaxx

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Guest samjones

We are in the same position, we have an 18 year old that changes his mind daily. Why are teenagers,so bloody selfish? Have you thought about bribery?? We have got ours to agree to come as long as we get him a car, a bit expensive, but not when you work out what it would cost us emotionally.Good luck

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Guest Tomlinsons

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel we are leaving our 17 year old son, we are going in August, he says he will come out after he finishes his college course next June, he is going to stay with my mum. Horrible feeling, I too have promised a car if he comes out. Thought I was the only one using bribery!

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Understand totally. We hope to be going in a couple of years. Our (now) 18 year old is at Uni here and on the visa app but although agreed to validate (when we get it) will not move with us. Not too upset about that ( OK he is still my - baby but getting used to him not being around now) as will be 20 by then and to be honest living his own life - and could be anywhere in the world as planning on diplomatic service work (Mmmm seemed to start all the wars at home!!).

 

Our 16 year old is another matter now at college doing A-levels and keeps changing his mind. Will be looking at Uni in UK BUT trying to persuade him to take a year out and go to UNI in SA (they can start in Feb OR July for most courses). He will only be 18 when we leave and is not as mature emotionally/socially or as independent as his older brother was at his age and I really cannot contemplate leaving him here.

 

As a background we lived in SA for a few months on a temp visa a few years back so they know what to expect - the older one wanted to come back to UK but his brother was happy there.

 

Would love for us all to get citizenship eventually but idea of leaving youngest in UK really a non starter...................................

 

Tricky as this is realistically our last chance of visa as we are already over 45 so can't just wait. But if we stay in UK it is likely that our boys will think nothing of leaving the country to work and may even go to OZ leaving us behind!!! My sisters kids have all worked and lived abroad so I don't expect mine to hang around on my account.


So many wineries ......so little time :yes:

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Guest P00hBear

It's comforting to read that there are other parents are facing the dilemma of splitting up their families! We too are in the same position... have 15, very nearly 16 year old twins who will be coming with us but will be leaving behind a 22 year old who is off to Wales with her fiance to start her new life and a 20 year old who will be finishing uni this year and plans to travel. I just hope we can convince them that life down under has more to offer than this country and that they will follow in time!! Well that's what I keep telling myself!!! But like previous post, I think they are both starting their own lives and have the world at their feet and definately age on their side - we need to get going before it's too late for us to enjoy it ourselves :)

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Im another one who totally sympathises with you all.

 

We have our 175 visa and were all set to go in April this year, when just before xmas my eldest daughter who is 23 and was never coming with us told us she was pregnant. She has not been with the boyfriend very long so you can imagine I am really worried about the whole situation.

 

We have now booked a reccie for 1st two weeks in June, going to Sydney and then the baby is due July. I too have 14 yr old triplets and getting over there this April was our priority due to getting them settled into the ozzie education system.

 

My dilemna now is do I wait two more years and let them get their GCSEs here in the UK (just in case they ever want to return to the UK) and they have some certificates behind them or do I go next year, in the middle of GCSEs, I really dont know what to do at the moment. My whole life is taken up with work, PIO, FB, reccies, and trying to help my daughter out. Some days I just wish feel like crying and wish it would all go away, as im being pulled from all corners.

 

Im sure we will all make the right choices in the end and look back on this in years to come and wonder why we were so worried about leaving some of our children behind.

 

 

Debbie

xxx


27.01.08 Made decision to move to oz, 10.04.08 Appointed Agent, 27.11.08 ACS application sent, 28.02.09 Passed ACS, 11.03.09 Visa applied for - 175/CSL-IT, 27.08.09 Case Officer, 25.09.09 - VISA APPROVED, YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Hi guy's, you guy's have the courage and the wanting more than me, i simply cannot

leave her and she hasn't said give it a go she just say's things like do you not think your

a little old to emigrate (45) and your going somewhere you've only visited you don't know

what it's like, the word selfish has been used once or twice in conversation but all we get back

is you had me now your abandoning me, iv'e been worn down so i think this maybe my last post

thanks to all your replies over the last 18mths and good luck to you all.

Paulaxx

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Guest P00hBear
Im another one who totally sympathises with you all.

 

We have our 175 visa and were all set to go in April this year, when just before xmas my eldest daughter who is 23 and was never coming with us told us she was pregnant. She has not been with the boyfriend very long so you can imagine I am really worried about the whole situation.

 

We have now booked a reccie for 1st two weeks in June, going to Sydney and then the baby is due July. I too have 14 yr old triplets and getting over there this April was our priority due to getting them settled into the ozzie education system.

 

My dilemna now is do I wait two more years and let them get their GCSEs here in the UK (just in case they ever want to return to the UK) and they have some certificates behind them or do I go next year, in the middle of GCSEs, I really dont know what to do at the moment. My whole life is taken up with work, PIO, FB, reccies, and trying to help my daughter out. Some days I just wish feel like crying and wish it would all go away, as im being pulled from all corners.

 

Im sure we will all make the right choices in the end and look back on this in years to come and wonder why we were so worried about leaving some of our children behind.

 

 

Debbie

xxx

 

Oh Debbie I do feel so much for you. I can imagine what you are going through and maybe you do need to have a good old cry sometimes - it does help! I too seem to be worrying about my daughter who is 22, telling me she is pregnant - we have had many conversations and hopefully we won't have 'that' conversation anytime soon but you can never bank on your older kids fitting into your life plan - they have their own minds don't they! When I first started our application process, my 22 year old was the one that pushed me on and convinced me that we could do this and was all for coming with us..... then she met her now fiance and she changed her mind - we had gone so far with our application that to pull our would have been awful. So I have gone ahead and have had to come to terms that she is not coming, along with our other daughter who is 20. Like you say, we will look back in years to come and hopefully know we made the right decisions. But you never know what is around the corner do you!

There definately seems to be a thing on here for multiple births! Triplets - wow.

Getting it right with the Oz education system is very difficult when they are older that's for sure - the thing is that timing it for the best is tricky when the visa process takes so long - hold ups can have such an effect on when you go. I think the fact that your triplets would be able to get a good go at school in Oz is great - I would go for it - they will be well settled. If you wait a couple of years, you may not be able to leave your grandchild. It's so hard!

Good luck with your reccie that will probably make up your mind for you - you will love it and will want to get out there whatever!

With best wishes and so much empathy

Wendy

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Oh Debbie I do feel so much for you. I can imagine what you are going through and maybe you do need to have a good old cry sometimes - it does help! I too seem to be worrying about my daughter who is 22, telling me she is pregnant - we have had many conversations and hopefully we won't have 'that' conversation anytime soon but you can never bank on your older kids fitting into your life plan - they have their own minds don't they! When I first started our application process, my 22 year old was the one that pushed me on and convinced me that we could do this and was all for coming with us..... then she met her now fiance and she changed her mind - we had gone so far with our application that to pull our would have been awful. So I have gone ahead and have had to come to terms that she is not coming, along with our other daughter who is 20. Like you say, we will look back in years to come and hopefully know we made the right decisions. But you never know what is around the corner do you!

There definately seems to be a thing on here for multiple births! Triplets - wow.

Getting it right with the Oz education system is very difficult when they are older that's for sure - the thing is that timing it for the best is tricky when the visa process takes so long - hold ups can have such an effect on when you go. I think the fact that your triplets would be able to get a good go at school in Oz is great - I would go for it - they will be well settled. If you wait a couple of years, you may not be able to leave your grandchild. It's so hard!

Good luck with your reccie that will probably make up your mind for you - you will love it and will want to get out there whatever!

With best wishes and so much empathy

Wendy

 

 

Thanks Wendy for your reply. I am hoping that our reccie will make my mind up either way. I know what you mean about leaving it two years, you are probably right the pull will be even more to stay here.

 

I have lots of friends on here and none of them in my situation with leaving a child and future grandchild behind, so they really dont understand how I feel, they can only imagine, it is lovely to talk to people on these posts who know exactly how you feel and the emotions you are going through.

 

Good luck with your journey and would be lovely to keep in touch, will send you a friends request if thats OK.

 

 

Debbie

xxx


27.01.08 Made decision to move to oz, 10.04.08 Appointed Agent, 27.11.08 ACS application sent, 28.02.09 Passed ACS, 11.03.09 Visa applied for - 175/CSL-IT, 27.08.09 Case Officer, 25.09.09 - VISA APPROVED, YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Guest paulacox

Hi Paula

 

I am in the nearly in the same boat as you, our 19 year daughter is in the UK and 3 days ago given birth to my first grand daughter Ava, I here in Aus been here 10 weeks, we also have a 13 year son (Lewis) I feel as a mum I should be there with her, but I not I half way around the world, its hard but I do feel down and to rememeber why we came here, it was her choice not to come to Aus. Hope you feel better soon

 

Paula xxxx

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Hi paulacox, i feel for you and your right it was your daughters choice as it's my daughters choice

you have an extra pull but you do need to keep in mind why your there, i wish i had you resolve

and courage good luck to you and your family.

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hi folks ...my daughter was 19 when we arrived last year [nearly 20 ] .....she said she would come and try it and i hoped and prayed that she would luv it ....unfortunately it was not to be ....i watched my daughter change from an outgoing fun teenager ...to someone who on days could not be bothered to get out her bed .....she found it very hard to settle ...even although she had a full time job and a couple of "mates " and her b/f and her older brother were also here to give her support ....it broke my heart when she said she was going back to scotland .....and i miss her so much !!! ....the good thing about all this is ...she is where she wants to be ...happy and back to her old self ....no matter how much i wanted her to be here ....i would not wish for her to be unhappy .....sometimes we just have to stop and think ...this is our dream not hers ....maybe one day she will return ....then again one day i may go back ...nothing is forever ...and who knows whats round the corner :wubclub:

mrs keily

ps ...congrats paula on being a granny ..... :hug: x


LIFE IS A COIN , YOU CAN SPEND IT ON WHATEVER YOU WISH , BUT ... YOU CAN ONLY SPEND IT ONCE

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hi folks ...my daughter was 19 when we arrived last year [nearly 20 ] .....she said she would come and try it and i hoped and prayed that she would luv it ....unfortunately it was not to be ....i watched my daughter change from an outgoing fun teenager ...to someone who on days could not be bothered to get out her bed .....she found it very hard to settle ...even although she had a full time job and a couple of "mates " and her b/f and her older brother were also here to give her support ....it broke my heart when she said she was going back to scotland .....and i miss her so much !!! ....the good thing about all this is ...she is where she wants to be ...happy and back to her old self ....no matter how much i wanted her to be here ....i would not wish for her to be unhappy .....sometimes we just have to stop and think ...this is our dream not hers ....maybe one day she will return ....then again one day i may go back ...nothing is forever ...and who knows whats round the corner :wubclub:

mrs keily

ps ...congrats paula on being a granny ..... :hug: x

 

 

Lovely post Julie. I didnt realise that your daughter had returned to Scotland, where have I been the past few months, lol. I can only imagine how you are feeling at the moment, but the reality will be there for me soon with your feelings.

 

Hope you and Neil are both doing well and settled into ozzie life.

 

 

Debbie

xxx


27.01.08 Made decision to move to oz, 10.04.08 Appointed Agent, 27.11.08 ACS application sent, 28.02.09 Passed ACS, 11.03.09 Visa applied for - 175/CSL-IT, 27.08.09 Case Officer, 25.09.09 - VISA APPROVED, YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Debbie you have met my 21 yr old daughter who is not coming with me and I also am leaving my 24 year old son, my daughter is with her bf and talks about babies often what would happen if she got pregnant, would I fly back to be with her, more so since she heard about Natalie, my son is Bi-Polar and ADHD and lives alone after a string of unsuccesful relationships but my youngest Ross is only 8 they have had their lives I have brought them up to stand on their own 2 feet, Ross is my priority now and I am 50 this year so this move is for the rest of my life to Australia and I have until the end of April until I fly. My stomach churns when I think of leaving the eldest two, then if it makes sense churns the other way saying you have to think of Ross and be practical they have their lives I now have to live mine with Ross and my oh, that doesn't mean I wont miss them every day.


Lyn (50) Barry (39) Ross (9) IT WAG !!!

OFFERED 457 ON 18/02/2010 started 457 1/3/2010, CO ON 04/03/10, 457 awarded 16/3/10,arrived 23/4/10

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Debbie you have met my 21 yr old daughter who is not coming with me and I also am leaving my 24 year old son, my daughter is with her bf and talks about babies often what would happen if she got pregnant, would I fly back to be with her, more so since she heard about Natalie, my son is Bi-Polar and ADHD and lives alone after a string of unsuccesful relationships but my youngest Ross is only 8 they have had their lives I have brought them up to stand on their own 2 feet, Ross is my priority now and I am 50 this year so this move is for the rest of my life to Australia and I have until the end of April until I fly. My stomach churns when I think of leaving the eldest two, then if it makes sense churns the other way saying you have to think of Ross and be practical they have their lives I now have to live mine with Ross and my oh, that doesn't mean I wont miss them every day.

 

 

Yes Lynn I have met Joy-Louise and I know how you are feeling leaving your children behind, but you are right you have brought them up and they now have their own lives to lead and Ross is now your priority, same with us with Sian, Sophie & Scott, but the pain of leaving them here will never go away, hopefully with time the pain will ease as they settle down with their own families and become mature adults.

 

Big ((((hugs)))) to you Lynn.

 

 

Debbie

xxx


27.01.08 Made decision to move to oz, 10.04.08 Appointed Agent, 27.11.08 ACS application sent, 28.02.09 Passed ACS, 11.03.09 Visa applied for - 175/CSL-IT, 27.08.09 Case Officer, 25.09.09 - VISA APPROVED, YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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I don't think we would be natural if we thought the pain wouldn't leave us, I have plans to bring them over for Christmas and my plans for Oz also mean I have an account with emergency funds in just in case we need to be there or they need to be here for any reason............


Lyn (50) Barry (39) Ross (9) IT WAG !!!

OFFERED 457 ON 18/02/2010 started 457 1/3/2010, CO ON 04/03/10, 457 awarded 16/3/10,arrived 23/4/10

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I don't think we would be natural if we thought the pain wouldn't leave us, I have plans to bring them over for Christmas and my plans for Oz also mean I have an account with emergency funds in just in case we need to be there or they need to be here for any reason............

 

Will be lovely for you to be all together for your first xmas in oz Lynn.

 

We too are like you, im going to leave my mum with some money for Natalie (wont tell her,just in case of an emergency) and then we are going to open a separate account in oz and put monies in there for any emergencies that we need to get back to UK asap or vice versa.

 

 

Debbie

xxx


27.01.08 Made decision to move to oz, 10.04.08 Appointed Agent, 27.11.08 ACS application sent, 28.02.09 Passed ACS, 11.03.09 Visa applied for - 175/CSL-IT, 27.08.09 Case Officer, 25.09.09 - VISA APPROVED, YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Hi guys

 

Well we haven't started the process yet as Neil is having second thoughts so i'm just leaving him to simmer for a while and tackle him about it as we i.e. me and the two youngest kids want to go to Melbourne.

 

I have two older daughters one 21 and one 22 the both have a child each and the 21 year old just announced on Thursday that she is pregnant again arghhh. She too has been with the father only about 3-4 months and i think she is absolutely mad to get herself into this predicament.

 

I thought about this and I told her point blank that there was no way if Neil came round to his original idea there was no way I was staying for her, this is our chance of a new life and possibly our last chance to get a visa also i'm 45 and Neil is 43! She told me that I was being unfair and came out with all the usual rubbish trying to emotionally blackmail me, obviously i would miss them and it will be a huge wrench to leave them but I have no doubts that if we go ahead with this then I will go.

 

I have done my time with them (if you know what I mean) not it's our time to do all those things we could only dream about before.

 

At the end of the day you have to go with what you believe is right for you. They have their own lives and I really don't think if the tables were turned they would stay for you.

 

I wish you all the best of luck with your decisions and hopefully I will be able to get the process going once Neil has come to his senses :-)

 

Diane

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Hi guys

 

Well we haven't started the process yet as Neil is having second thoughts so i'm just leaving him to simmer for a while and tackle him about it as we i.e. me and the two youngest kids want to go to Melbourne.

 

I have two older daughters one 21 and one 22 the both have a child each and the 21 year old just announced on Thursday that she is pregnant again arghhh. She too has been with the father only about 3-4 months and i think she is absolutely mad to get herself into this predicament.

 

I thought about this and I told her point blank that there was no way if Neil came round to his original idea there was no way I was staying for her, this is our chance of a new life and possibly our last chance to get a visa also i'm 45 and Neil is 43! She told me that I was being unfair and came out with all the usual rubbish trying to emotionally blackmail me, obviously i would miss them and it will be a huge wrench to leave them but I have no doubts that if we go ahead with this then I will go.

 

I have done my time with them (if you know what I mean) not it's our time to do all those things we could only dream about before.

 

At the end of the day you have to go with what you believe is right for you. They have their own lives and I really don't think if the tables were turned they would stay for you.

 

I wish you all the best of luck with your decisions and hopefully I will be able to get the process going once Neil has come to his senses :-)

 

Diane

 

 

 

Good luck with trying to get hubby to decide to make the move.

 

I totally agree with you Diane, we have raised our children and now its our time to do what we want. Im with you also on the one where our children wouldnt give us a second thought if they wanted to go off and do something, so you go for it if hubby comes around to the idea.

 

It is going to be heart wrenching for all of us, but it is lovely to know that we are not alone and there are plenty of others going through the same thing. Maybe we can all get some comfort from each others stories.

 

I wish you all the best with the ozzie venture and keep in touch. I will send you a friends request if thats ok with you.

 

 

Debbie

xxx


27.01.08 Made decision to move to oz, 10.04.08 Appointed Agent, 27.11.08 ACS application sent, 28.02.09 Passed ACS, 11.03.09 Visa applied for - 175/CSL-IT, 27.08.09 Case Officer, 25.09.09 - VISA APPROVED, YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Good luck with trying to get hubby to decide to make the move.

 

I totally agree with you Diane, we have raised our children and now its our time to do what we want. Im with you also on the one where our children wouldnt give us a second thought if they wanted to go off and do something, so you go for it if hubby comes around to the idea.

 

It is going to be heart wrenching for all of us, but it is lovely to know that we are not alone and there are plenty of others going through the same thing. Maybe we can all get some comfort from each others stories.

 

I wish you all the best with the ozzie venture and keep in touch. I will send you a friends request if thats ok with you.

 

 

Debbie

xxx

 

Hi Debbie

 

I've accepted the friend request.

 

It would be lovely to keep in touch. I am going to tackle Neil in a few days or so, he is only having second thoughts as he really doesn't want to go back on the tools plus he's worried about his mam and dad, but I keep telling him they're only a flight away as thankfully Emirates fly from Newcastle to Oz everyday now, so it's not as if we can't come back or they can't come out for a HOLIDAY (not to stay for good arghhh) :rolleyes:

 

I've thought about this that if i can gather all the evidence that he needs which isn't too hard as I have his file with certs, refs etc in and get all the foms together we could apply for his VETASSES paper test later in the year, get a date for his practical, have all the paperwork ready for the visa etc then get them sent in early next year. I believe as long as you apply before you're 45 then you can still apply, so basically I still have about 22 month in which to get the visa applied for!

 

We're hopefully going for a family wedding next February so hopefully he will see what it's like and love it.

 

Take care and speak soon xx

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Debbie and I sing of the same hymn sheet and I agree as I said we have done our time with the eldest they would be of in an instant without considering our feelings good luck in turning your hubbys mind round Dizzi


Lyn (50) Barry (39) Ross (9) IT WAG !!!

OFFERED 457 ON 18/02/2010 started 457 1/3/2010, CO ON 04/03/10, 457 awarded 16/3/10,arrived 23/4/10

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oohhhh i so can get where your all coming from!!! we are still waiting for a visa but still worrying about the kids.

my son announced october that his girlfriend was pregnant and that they was gtting married,hes in the army 21 so he lives away from home in windsor,he told me 3 days after we has sent all the visa and agent money off!! prior to that my partner had nearly split up rowing about whether we should go or not,with all the changes that was taking place in september it sort of took the shine off for him a bit,we talked things through and decided to still go for it so you can imagin my shock when my son told me his news,straite away i didnt want to go,but my oh just looked at me and said WE ARE GOING lol well any way when i thought about it i would probably only see them once a month,if they come out to oz will have more quality time,

i too have twin girls 18 one wants to come the other does not,she is starting uni this year and wants to stay with her dad,so i feel bad about splitting sisters up!! but i suppose they have their own minds,

we had some good news last week tho my oh daughter17 who said shes definatley no way not coming sat us down and said she wants to come and try it!!!! lol kids!! then to top it all off oh son 15 who has wanted to come from day dot was overheard telling his mom that he did not want to come!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhh

well any way what will be will be either it will be me and oh or ALL OF THEM WILL COME!!!!!!!!

ohh i feel so much better now i got that off my chest,thanks ladies for listening:smile:

as i said earlier we havent ot the visa yet so could be worrying for nothing:sad:(i so want a visa) sorry for going onx x

shez x

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We been here 18 months,came with our 2 teenage lads aged 18 and 16 on departure.It's still hell on earth,the both of them did not want to leave their mates,or come here,and have made life for us as miserable as hell.They blame us,and are aggressive,have booted our car in,in temper, and slashed the carpet in our first rental,which we paid for.The youngest one is seriously suffering from manic depression,and never goes out,(was never in in the UK)!the older one seems to be getting his head around it now a bit.Every time i tell them to FO out of it and get their own place,i get a mouthful of vile abuse,along with the guilty feeling wife nagging and kicking off because this start's ructions!No conversing,just scowling. Me and my lovely wife keep saying to each other "one day eh"Bringing teenagers here who don't wan't to come could easily put you in your box earlier than you expected.:confused:

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Guest soontobethere

Hello Hillyman, im in the same boat with my 19 year old, my OH say's to give her a chance

to sample life and get some life experience but i don't know wether i could get on the plane and

leave her, my mind is every where at the moment and the tears won't stop coming does leaving

her make me a bad parent, my husband say's that if we go we would be presenting her with more

oppertunities than if we were to stay here, im looking for some good advice and reasurance that im doing the right thing,there as to be more people who are either going through this dillema or have managed to go through with it.

good luck with what ever you decide to do.

Mary

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Guest Jane8927

Seems there are are few us in in the same boat, My daughter has decided to stay in the UK to complete University, so my Hubby is already in Queensland working and setting up our new home, and I am here awaiting the start of Uni in Sept so that I can make sure my daughter is settled me and my son (15) will be leaving in October. I have already said goodbye to my dogs (very traumatic) so thinking about the day when I will say goodbye to my daughter will be torture... her ticket to come and see us in Australia in Dec is already booked and paid for.

 

:sad:

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