I know no one will care but...........

[InnerVoice 1,254]

14 hours ago, simmo said:

https://dailysceptic.org/2023/11/10/people-never-visited-by-loved-ones-more-likely-to-die-earlier-study-finds/

This is very sad.  We just lost our last remaining elderly relative, my wife's aunt in Germany.  This article made me think about how mobile families are now. We choose to live all over the world, 1000s of miles away from each other.  Wondering what will happen when they put me in a home, who will visit me..

Oh, what a depressing thought! 

[Parley 7,917]

Getting old does suck. I worry about it too.

Even now i feel like my kids rarely ring me and i have to ring them if i want to talk to them. And i don't see them as much as i would like too.

Mind you there are good aged care facilities around. I know when my my Mum was in one they are always running programs to keep the residents active and mentally stimulated. But still they are depressing places for a younger person to visit.

[HappyHeart 14,374]

18 hours ago, simmo said:

https://dailysceptic.org/2023/11/10/people-never-visited-by-loved-ones-more-likely-to-die-earlier-study-finds/

This is very sad.  We just lost our last remaining elderly relative, my wife's aunt in Germany.  This article made me think about how mobile families are now. We choose to live all over the world, 1000s of miles away from each other.  Wondering what will happen when they put me in a home, who will visit me..

You can write an advanced care plan to say you don’t want that and appoint someone you think will respect your wishes as your guardian. Write into your will that if they put you in care they don’t get the cash. That’s what I’m planning. 
Id rather make the best of it and die at home of an accident than see out my time in care. There are some amazing people working in care and some have no choice but to be there or to place loved ones but it’s not something anybody wants. We have to do better. We can do better. It would involve radical societal change though and nobody seems to want that either. 

[HappyHeart 14,374]

1 hour ago, Parley said:

Getting old does suck. I worry about it too.

Even now i feel like my kids rarely ring me and i have to ring them if i want to talk to them. And i don't see them as much as i would like too.

Mind you there are good aged care facilities around. I know when my my Mum was in one they are always running programs to keep the residents active and mentally stimulated. But still they are depressing places for a younger person to visit.

Most older people I see are not happy about being older. Some are positively miserable. You have to plan for a brighter old age. Difficult when you’re isolated. I dread being alone in my old age. That’s why I believe in living life well now. A good work life balance. Not chasing wealth and possessions. Paying off the mortgage. Housing security. That’ll do me. 

[unzippy 3,970]

Sewer-ella Braverman sacked this coming Monday. Odds 4/6

[Bulya 2,857]

Americans life expectancy now fallen to the level of Blackpool, the lowest in the U.K.

 

https://x.com/jburnmurdoch/status/1641799698058035200?s=46&t=F6Sg_utZDBmrOLYdSgGfHA

[simmo 21,939]

2 hours ago, unzippy said:

Sewer-ella Braverman sacked this coming Monday. Odds 4/6

It will be the end of sunak if she is.

[simmo 21,939]

4 hours ago, HappyHeart said:

Most older people I see are not happy about being older. Some are positively miserable. You have to plan for a brighter old age. Difficult when you’re isolated. I dread being alone in my old age. That’s why I believe in living life well now. A good work life balance. Not chasing wealth and possessions. Paying off the mortgage. Housing security. That’ll do me. 

How will your plans stop you being alone?

[FirstWorldProblems 2,139]

4 hours ago, unzippy said:

Sewer-ella Braverman sacked this coming Monday. Odds 4/6

In a sensible country she would be.  In a sensible country she wouldn’t be in that role in the first place.  But I don’t think the PM has the ability to remove her.  
 

“The Home Secretary ultimately has to answer to Parliament and is responsible for making sure our communities, in all force areas, are kept safe and secure, and for protecting our national borders and security.”

This Home Secretary is literally doing the opposite of that.  She just incited violence and put police and bystanders in harms way.  She should be facing charges. 

[Quoll 6,237]

23 hours ago, Bulya said:

New TV series Austin filming in Canberra.  Ben Miller, Sally Phillips, Gia Carides, Roy Billing.  Will be on ABC TV and ABC iView in 2024.  First week filming in Britain then 28 days in Canberra. 

Oh I do like Ben Miller, that should be fun!  Wonder where they will feature

[Tulip1 4,906]

7 hours ago, HappyHeart said:

You can write an advanced care plan to say you don’t want that and appoint someone you think will respect your wishes as your guardian. Write into your will that if they put you in care they don’t get the cash. That’s what I’m planning. 
Id rather make the best of it and die at home of an accident than see out my time in care. There are some amazing people working in care and some have no choice but to be there or to place loved ones but it’s not something anybody wants. We have to do better. We can do better. It would involve radical societal change though and nobody seems to want that either. 

It’s not always that simple.  My mum had advanced dementia and us three kids struggled for nearly 2 years to do everything we could to keep her at home.  In the months before she went into a care home it had got so bad we had carers going in four times a day, us all ringing her everyday although towards the end she didn’t even know what a phone was let alone be able to answer it.  We had security cameras inside her house to keep an eye on her and I did many late evening/during the night dashes to her house because she was doing something worrying.  I called in to see her everyday after work and did everything for her.  She had a few infections that sent her into hospital and after terrible delirium she hit a new baseline which was even more dreadful than before.  We knew she needed full time care but it broke our hearts to send her to a care home so we battled on.  In the end I phoned our local council and asked for help from a social worker or whoever could help.  They started telling me they were really busy and I just broke down and cried which is not like me.  They realised how bad it was and they sent a social worker out to see me two days later.  She deemed mum as needing 24 hour care and she could no longer stay in the house.  The decision had been taken out of my hands. She helped me with moving mum to a local care home where she remained until she has a stroke and died 8 months later. She never knew she had moved as she was beyond knowing where she lived or what was going on.  I know I did everything I could for my mum to remain in her own home, longer really than I should because she was not safe.  I took the view that you mention in that it was worth an increased risk to leave her be but I also had a duty of care to protect her and at the end it was like leaving a small child alone.  You say you will put on your will that if they put you in a home they don’t get anything.  Your choice but I can’t imagine doing that.  You could end up like my mum and your kids could work their socks off doing the very best for you to the detriment of their own health.  My mum wasn’t capable of understanding towards the end but I know if she could have understood she’d have been exceptionally proud of me for all I did for her and she would have wanted so very much for her children to enjoy the inheritance she left them.  

[Quoll 6,237]

1 hour ago, Tulip1 said:

It’s not always that simple.  My mum had advanced dementia and us three kids struggled for nearly 2 years to do everything we could to keep her at home.  In the months before she went into a care home it had got so bad we had carers going in four times a day, us all ringing her everyday although towards the end she didn’t even know what a phone was let alone be able to answer it.  We had security cameras inside her house to keep an eye on her and I did many late evening/during the night dashes to her house because she was doing something worrying.  I called in to see her everyday after work and did everything for her.  She had a few infections that sent her into hospital and after terrible delirium she hit a new baseline which was even more dreadful than before.  We knew she needed full time care but it broke our hearts to send her to a care home so we battled on.  In the end I phoned our local council and asked for help from a social worker or whoever could help.  They started telling me they were really busy and I just broke down and cried which is not like me.  They realised how bad it was and they sent a social worker out to see me two days later.  She deemed mum as needing 24 hour care and she could no longer stay in the house.  The decision had been taken out of my hands. She helped me with moving mum to a local care home where she remained until she has a stroke and died 8 months later. She never knew she had moved as she was beyond knowing where she lived or what was going on.  I know I did everything I could for my mum to remain in her own home, longer really than I should because she was not safe.  I took the view that you mention in that it was worth an increased risk to leave her be but I also had a duty of care to protect her and at the end it was like leaving a small child alone.  You say you will put on your will that if they put you in a home they don’t get anything.  Your choice but I can’t imagine doing that.  You could end up like my mum and your kids could work their socks off doing the very best for you to the detriment of their own health.  My mum wasn’t capable of understanding towards the end but I know if she could have understood she’d have been exceptionally proud of me for all I did for her and she would have wanted so very much for her children to enjoy the inheritance she left them.  

Our story was the same as yours. My mum had dementia and we kept her at home for 4 years, us living there, moved from Australia and squatting in their back bedroom. Dad and I ended up in tears in the social workers office after one fall that sent her to hospital and he and the gerontologist said that she needed 24/7 professional care so we put her into a care home where, like your mum, she really didn't know where she was or who we were for 18 months before she died. Dad lasted another 4 years but he decided after one stint in his "respite care hotel" that that is where he wanted to stay so we facilitated that.  For dad it was a real boosting move - at home he'd been sitting waiting to die but in care he got a new lease of life with more company and he could help the "old ladies" (age 96!).  In all we spent 9.5 years in UK caring for them. We will never ask that of our kids and will opt for care if we need to. The scariest thing was their vulnerability - they didn't realise how vulnerable they were to scams and unscrupulous people besides mum's dementia, falls and infections, then dad's decline. 

[Marisawright 10,918]

9 hours ago, HappyHeart said:

You can write an advanced care plan to say you don’t want that and appoint someone you think will respect your wishes as your guardian. Write into your will that if they put you in care they don’t get the cash. That’s what I’m planning. 
Id rather make the best of it and die at home of an accident than see out my time in care.

But what if you're not able to manage on your own?  I assume you'll have a clause that says they'll get the cash if you decide, of your own free will, to enter care -- but what if you have a stroke or something, and you're not capable of making the decision?  Then your kids will either have to become your 24/7 carers, or give up their inheritance.  Not a nice situation to put them in. 

[Bulya 2,857]

2 hours ago, Quoll said:

Oh I do like Ben Miller, that should be fun!  Wonder where they will feature

Lyneham last week 

[Booma 385]

14 hours ago, HappyHeart said:

You can write an advanced care plan to say you don’t want that and appoint someone you think will respect your wishes as your guardian. Write into your will that if they put you in care they don’t get the cash. That’s what I’m planning. 
Id rather make the best of it and die at home of an accident than see out my time in care. There are some amazing people working in care and some have no choice but to be there or to place loved ones but it’s not something anybody wants. We have to do better. We can do better. It would involve radical societal change though and nobody seems to want that either. 

I could never do that to my kids. 

[Booma 385]

5 hours ago, Marisawright said:

But what if you're not able to manage on your own?  I assume you'll have a clause that says they'll get the cash if you decide, of your own free will, to enter care -- but what if you have a stroke or something, and you're not capable of making the decision?  Then your kids will either have to become your 24/7 carers, or give up their inheritance.  Not a nice situation to put them in. 

Doesn’t say much for the relationship if someone thinks they have to hold an inheritance over their kids heads in the first place. 

[Bobj 10,329]

I feel that family is always first in a situation like that 

My wife, Jo, had metastatic breast cancer and dementia. I nursed her for her last 6 years rather than buy into a nursing home for her. It was very hard but I would gladly do it again, and give her the love a husband can give rather than what a helper, or professional would do, then knock off and let another start their shift. We, when we retired, bought bank shares and now, my son has a fairly handsome inheritance as I only have a short time left due to my liver failing. I still live alone and fend for myself, as my son is working in the Pilbara.

It was my choice, much against my son's arguments to have a helper come in.I have my garden and orchids and two foxies to waste my time on.

And I aint going to give in.

Cheers, Bobj.

[simmo 21,939]

I remember after the last time my dad fell and I found him on the floor covered in "mess" and cuts and bruises realising that even with popping in on my way to work, in my lunch hour and on my way home it wasn't enough. He had a thing about clocks, apparently they were all wrong (they weren't) I bought a huge digital clock, a special SOS phone with massive buttons, he would tell me there were giant rats running up the walls...

I arranged for home care twice a day but would often come in and see 2 of them sat on their arses whilst my dad was in bed.  They weren't allowed to give him his meds so I went private, much better care.

Then it was the hospice but he perked up and they sent him home with a box of syringes and a "driver" I had no idea what it was.  Then about a week after I installed a hospital bed, hand rails and clocks in every room he took a turn and it was back in the hospice.  They were so nice, they let him have his flask of brandy and pretty much gave him 5 star room service.  A couple of days later it was his time.  I won't lie and apologies to anyone if this upsets them but it was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through.  The doctor set up the "driver" but he fought and fought.  Just as we thought he had "gone to sleep" he would sit bolt upright and grip my arm so strong and with terror in his eyes as if to say "what are you doing to me?!". The doctor sedated him and told me to go home and get some sleep and as soon as I got home I got the call.. the lovely nurse told me he calmly went to sleep and it's common for people to wait until the loved ones are not looking... I don't know if she was just saying that but it gave me some comfort.

Me. I've been looking into psychedelics as a way of coming to terms with my death (when it's near). There's been some promising studies with cancer patients.  

Sorry if that was a bit scary.  I think my dad had a lot of demons.

Any way, he's at peace now (as they say)

[ramot 7,092]

I don’t know the age of other posters, or their relationship with their children, but I would never hold our children to ransom over any inheritance that might be left when we die. We mutually love and respect each other too much for that, 

We are at the age that we have had to think sensibly about the future, both our children who are in Australia, have raised the issue with us, they keep in touch with UK son. Health is of course is the deal breaker with potential plans, but we want to stay in our own home as long as possible. We have done the sensible things, made up to date wills etc. future proofed the house as far as possible, grab rails etc. are lucky enough to afford cleaners and help in the garden. My husband has been assessed for a health care plan,  it’s quite important to get into the system sooner than later, so we are already  as set up as we can be.

We aren’t lonely, we have an active social life, we have been to several shows in both Brisbane and locally recently.  I think my husband does more than me, as the men locally meet regularly to enjoy playing snooker and bridge together, and he has just  started back at golf since his broken ankle.

Our son lives in Brisbane, an hour away and we se him fairly regularly, our  daughter is in Sydney and  phones 3/4 times a week for a chat and a check up!!! Plus we catch up with the extended  African side of my family that emigrated here, we  are split between here Brisbane and just over the NSW’s border. My niece and young  family came for the day last Friday, plus my cousin and wife. Had a great time together and had to laugh when both the 3 and 5 year olds, told me they had decided to have their birthday parties next year at our house. We are also blessed that our son’s godchildren have decided we are an extra set of grandparents, and we are included in their school activities, looking forward to going to the nativity performance next week.

i think being older becomes harder when only one of you is left, that plus your health is when different decisions might be made? but there is a lot of support for each other here. Some of our friends have recently made the move to retirement villages, for the facilities and companionship, others like us want to stay put for as long as possible. The important thing is to keep laughing and loving life.

 

[Parley 7,917]

2 hours ago, Bobj said:

I feel that family is always first in a situation like that 

My wife, Jo, had metastatic breast cancer and dementia. I nursed her for her last 6 years rather than buy into a nursing home for her. It was very hard but I would gladly do it again, and give her the love a husband can give rather than what a helper, or professional would do, then knock off and let another start their shift. We, when we retired, bought bank shares and now, my son has a fairly handsome inheritance as I only have a short time left due to my liver failing. I still live alone and fend for myself, as my son is working in the Pilbara.

It was my choice, much against my son's arguments to have a helper come in.I have my garden and orchids and two foxies to waste my time on.

And I aint going to give in.

Cheers, Bobj.

I am all for people living at home as long as possible and in accordance with their wishes.

But we shouldn't dismiss professional help when we as children are unable to  provide 24 hour care. Leaving a vulnerable person alone in their house who is unable to care for themself is not the right outcome for anyone.

I don't think we should assume someone is going to hate living in an aged care facility. I'm sure it will happen to most if not all of us eventually. My mum was ready to move to one near the end of her life. The average stay in an aged care home is only about 18 months to 2 years before the inevitable happens.

[Skani 5,408]

22 hours ago, HappyHeart said:

 Write into your will that if they put you in care they don’t get the cash. That’s what I’m planning. 

I don't think that will wash in Australia.  Wills can be contested and I doubt a court would find this a justifiable reason.

[Skani 5,408]

2 hours ago, Parley said:

I don't think we should assume someone is going to hate living in an aged care facility. 

My grandfather loved it:  he had hordes of old ladies (residents) doting on him and he thought it was wonderful.  

[HappyHeart 14,374]

14 hours ago, Tulip1 said:

It’s not always that simple.  My mum had advanced dementia and us three kids struggled for nearly 2 years to do everything we could to keep her at home.  In the months before she went into a care home it had got so bad we had carers going in four times a day, us all ringing her everyday although towards the end she didn’t even know what a phone was let alone be able to answer it.  We had security cameras inside her house to keep an eye on her and I did many late evening/during the night dashes to her house because she was doing something worrying.  I called in to see her everyday after work and did everything for her.  She had a few infections that sent her into hospital and after terrible delirium she hit a new baseline which was even more dreadful than before.  We knew she needed full time care but it broke our hearts to send her to a care home so we battled on.  In the end I phoned our local council and asked for help from a social worker or whoever could help.  They started telling me they were really busy and I just broke down and cried which is not like me.  They realised how bad it was and they sent a social worker out to see me two days later.  She deemed mum as needing 24 hour care and she could no longer stay in the house.  The decision had been taken out of my hands. She helped me with moving mum to a local care home where she remained until she has a stroke and died 8 months later. She never knew she had moved as she was beyond knowing where she lived or what was going on.  I know I did everything I could for my mum to remain in her own home, longer really than I should because she was not safe.  I took the view that you mention in that it was worth an increased risk to leave her be but I also had a duty of care to protect her and at the end it was like leaving a small child alone.  You say you will put on your will that if they put you in a home they don’t get anything.  Your choice but I can’t imagine doing that.  You could end up like my mum and your kids could work their socks off doing the very best for you to the detriment of their own health.  My mum wasn’t capable of understanding towards the end but I know if she could have understood she’d have been exceptionally proud of me for all I did for her and she would have wanted so very much for her children to enjoy the inheritance she left them.  

Which is unfortunately the position thousands of people find themselves in, dementia being the major cause of admission to aged care. As I said some, like you-  are left with no choice at all. Our society ust isn't set up to manage care in the community. It's a myth.

[HappyHeart 14,374]

6 minutes ago, Skani said:

My grandfather loved it:  he had hordes of old ladies (residents) doting on him and he thought it was wonderful.  

I've met lots that do! Some thrive, particularly  the ones a little more able and with their marbles. 

[Parley 7,917]

10 minutes ago, Skani said:

I don't think that will wash in Australia.  Wills can be contested and I doubt a court would find this a justifiable reason.

I would be surprised if that was legal too. We see in the movies and TV where people put dramatic things like this in their will leaving nothing to one child and giving it all to another, but unless there is a good legal reason it can be contested in court.

Also who wants to cause resentment and hatred between their surviving family. Probably best to leave everything equal and then no one feels hard done by.

Edited November 13 by Parley