Regret returning to the UK?

[Guest boomerangpommie]

This is a long thread, so be warned!!!

 

I returned to the UK last year after moving to Sydney with my husband and 2 children in 2007 – I only lasted 7 months. One of my problems was that I could not get a job as my UK teaching qualification was not recognised by the NSW Education Department (despite being used to get the PR visa!!). The only way to fix this was to go back to uni and do more study. My husband quickly got a job but I earn more and my wages were really needed. We had also put our son into kindergarten as soon as a place came up and kept him there as I got some supply work in a private school and we thought that I would soon be working properly… This meant that we were still using our savings despite a wage coming in. I had a couple of great interviews with some private schools, but no job.

Another issue was that my husband has a sister and her family there as well as some aunts, uncles and cousins and their families. I had met them all on previous visits to Oz and when they came here and they are all nice enough, but they have their own lives and families to think about and we never really became a part of that. I missed my family and I really felt a complete lack of support networks while I was there, it was like all the scaffolding of my life had fallen away. I felt isolated, alone and literally like I was on another planet, away from everything I knew. Also my 11 year old daughter (not my husband’s daughter) got terribly homesick and unfortunately, the first lot of friends she made were particularly unpleasant girls who made her life hell. As my husband felt that things were coming together nicely with his job, family, beautiful suburb, lifestyle we were living etc, he just stuck his head in the sand and got extremely annoyed if my daughter or I got upset or expressed any sentiments about going home or regretting being in Australia, he felt we weren’t doing enough to make ourselves settle

To cut a really long story short, it was when my sister-in-law (who interfered a lot, she sponsored us, so kind of acted like she owned us) suggested I seek professional help because I felt down, that I realised maybe I was in the wrong place and should come home. It ended up with me and the children coming back and my husband refusing to. I had quite a nasty, lecturing email from my sister-in-law, who knew about 5% of the facts and the whole of my husband’s family now think I returned to the UK because my daughter didn’t like Australia.

Anyway, when I first got back here, I was so relieved and happy and quickly got a job and a house to rent. My husband and I had a few shaky months but he eventually decided to join us back in the UK four months after we had first left Oz. He has a job here now and we are still trying to work out what went wrong between us and the whole emigration thing. My daughter is now in the same school as before we went to Oz with the same friends and sees her aunt and uncle and nanny now (she doesn't seem to view my husband's family as her own) and our son is in the same nursery as before.

But it isn’t the same. I realise that I actually probably could live with seeing my family once or twice a year. I hardly ever see my friends. It’s cold and dark and expensive. The people here look miserable and poor, the streets look dirty and poor. Maybe I couldn’t see it before, maybe it got worse while I was away. When I first got back I couldn’t even get any Income Support until I got a job as I was told I was not a habitual resident of this country!

I really miss Australia and I regret coming back. Obviously my husband really does not want to be here. I work in a school where half the kids come from homes on benefits and have no intention of working themselves and have no respect for themselves (I have a couple of Year 10 and 11 mums-to-be in my classes) or anyone else ( I frequently get told to f**k off) and just despair at where it will all end.

We are talking about going back and I am doing an OU course to get my qualifications sorted out and think that if I can get a job when we go back, at least I'll be out of the house and busy and I will meet people and start forming a network. I could also do some hobbies or something and my son will be starting primary school soon, so I can make friends with other moms. I think I did kind of think that my husband's family would go out of their way for us and realise now, I could have done more for myself.

 

Has anyone else experienced this kind of dilemma? Gone back and it's worked out? If we do go back, I'd be more scared than before because so much is riding on it this time. I don't think my husband would allow me to take my son out of the country again if I couldn't settle. Also my daughter really doesn't want to go back and it causes a lot of stress if we talk about it - she says she'll come back to the UK as soon as she's 18 - I couldn't bear that - but I'm sure in the long run she'd be okay. My family are hot and cold all the time, sometimes saying I'd be mad to go back after everything that's happened at other times saying get the hell out of here while you can.

 

Who would have thought that trying to get 'A New Life Down Under' could be so traumatic? :wacko:

[peeka]

I think you may need to consider moving to a different area to that of your husbands family - whilst supportive I guess they may become a hinderance once again!

 

Your daughter will settle and come round to the idea, albeit it maybe once you have actually got there! Kids are kids and say lots of things but there isn't a lot she can do until she is 18 and by then she will have a new life that offers her a great deal more than the UK.

 

I say go for it - but do your homework !

 

Good luck

[Quoll]

Have you thought of moving somewhere else in UK? Of course it is cold and grey there now but in a month or so the buds and blossom will be popping and you will see the colour return. At the moment it is just as oppressive here - walking out into a furnace day after day is draining in the extreme so most folk are sitting at home with the blinds drawn to keep the heat out - or spending a fortune on aircon.

 

The job situation here is not easy either. If you are in NSW they want you to do your hardship posting before you can move into a half decent school anywhere - and the kids in those schools wont be that much different from the lot you have now. That is if you can get a job at all!

 

I'd say you have the guilts because you didnt feel you stayed for long enough and didnt get it quite clear in your head that it wasnt right for you - you probably have the DH in your other ear being negative and unhappy as well. It doesnt sound as if it is Australia that you miss as much as the dream of Australia because your reality here wasnt like that otherwise you wouldnt have left. Just think too that if you go and it doesnt work out then you WILL be trapped there because, as you say, he wont let you take your son if you need to go back home. You need to be very sure that it is what you want to do. I'd give it a couple of years in UK before making the decision to move anywhere (especially in this economic climate) in the same way that I would have suggested spending at least a couple of years in Aus to come to the decision about whether to stay or go.

 

Unfortunately migration is one of the biggest stresses you can have in your life - can shake the most solid of marriages. :hug: I can see you are between a rock and a hard place here:hug:

[Guest donovan]

Great post, thanks for sharing it with us, I am sure a lot of people who are thinking of returning, may think again and try hang it out in Oz.

 

Sarah x

[Guest itskaren]

Nice honest post Sarah. I wish I could do something to help you. I have felt the same but having been in Melbourne now for over a year I am just beginning to like it. Good luck. karen xx

[olly]

My thoughts go out to you after this post. There are so many Brits who 'pingpong' as they call it, and it is very heartwrenching when there are families/relationships concerned. My sister in law's family came and went 3 or 4 times, and she stayed, but then out of the blue decided last year to go and live in her homeland for nearly a year by herself leaving grown up kids and OH behind. My brother didn't understand it, but I did, and I said to him 'If you love her, let her go".

She did eventually return, having eased some of the homesickness. She told me that it was nothing to do with Australia (where she had lived since she emigrated with parents at 15). It was to do with 'where she came from and all the things she had remembered". Another friend had her child return to the UK at 18, but they stayed behind with the other one as he had only been to school here and couldn't just up and leave. Now they spend most of their time figuring out how to afford getting back and forth. Life is so complicated sometimes. What you are feeling is very normal.:hug:

[Guest kiwi]

I can't say whether it's right for you to go back or not. As Quoll suggested, you could move elsewhere in the UK, which would give you a taste of doing without your family and maybe some less grey streets.

 

If you decide to move back I definitely agree with the person who said that you should not be near his family. Move elsewhere in NSW or choose another state. It's better to have to find your own support and friends than to live with unsupportive family. Your daughter may well go back at 18. She will be an adult and entitled to. She may also come back again when she realises the UK is not her home anymore.

 

I think we are influenced by how well our parents settle, so if you are happier this time round she will probably be happier and settle eventually. Good friends and a feeling of belonging help, so get involved in local things, clubs etc and learn to do something you couldn't in the UK. The job will be important for you, but if you have the qualifications this time it should be better. Be aware that there is a recession on though, so some jobs are affected.

[Guest Deb62]

Hi;

You are not alone. There seem to be more and more of us boomerang poms. At one time I think most people couldn't afford to keep going back and forth they just had to get on with it. Now we go through agonies trying to decide what to do. We came back to the Uk after 9 years in Brisbane and have been here 10 years now. I knew in my heart it had been the wong thing to do nearly immediately, but didn't want to go back at that point. For the last 4 years we have been agonizing over what to do, the emotion of it is exhausting. We have finally decided to go back provided my OH finds work, now I just want to go. Our eldest daughter went back over a year ago to uni and we miss her so much. There are no easy answers and probably no right ones either. You can't know how things will work out whatever decision you make. I agree that it is harder once you know all that emigrating entails and fear the negative feelings. I also understand how hard it is when you have Oh's relatives giving 'support'. When you feel so insecure anyway they can make you feel you have even less control over your life.

I wish you all the best,

Deb

[Guest ABCDiamond]

 

Has anyone else experienced this kind of dilemma? Gone back and it's worked out?

I am one of those that left Australia (Sydney), returned to the UK, but came back to Australia, and am now totally settled in Brisbane area.

[Pingpongpom2]

Hi and welcome to PIO..a really good post boomerangpommie:smile:..i completely understand your fears and concerns..as my name suggests i am a pingpongpom also..i emigrated to Perth as a ten pound pom with my parents in 1966..we then returned to the UK in 1977..in 1999 i returned with my hubby and children, but then we had to return to the UK again..we're back in Perth again..this time around two of our four children decided to stay in the UK, so this has been hard..i love Aus and always have..it has always been home for me in my heart, as my roots are here..your right it can feel traumatic..your the only one who can make the final decision as to whether you come back, and if you'll settle this time..when i was having worries about leaving our children in the UK someone said to me, "your the one who will have to live with whatever decision you make, nobody else"..i think this is true..whatever response you get as to whether you should go or not your the only one who has to do it, not them..i wish you all the best and hope you can make a decision your happy with..keep us updated..

Tess:cute:

[Guest brisbane-lee]

Hi boomerangpommie

 

I think you could possibly agree with your partner to go and live there for 1 year only. With the understanding that if you or the children were not happy after that then you would return to the uk. When the pressure to live there permanently is off, then you might enjoy it and not want to return. The feeling of isolation when you emigrate is terrible but when you are given the choice of staying or going back, that isolation starts to slowly go because you don't feel trapped.

 

lee

[Guest boomerangpommie]

Thanks for all of the replies to my dilemma, it's so good to know that other poeple out there know what it's like. I find so many people who I tell who haven't been in that situation see it so black and white - lots of people are simply astounded that I found it difficult to live in Australia, they're like "But it's Australia - beaches, sunshine, barbies etc!!!" And others are just matter of fact, " Well, you had a go, it didn't work out, at least you know and won't spend the rest of your life saying 'What if'". What they don't seem to realise is that, having now lived for some time in Oz, where I had a home, my children went to nippers, public school and kindergarten, I did supply at a school there, went to the Domain in Sydney for the Xmas carols, spent NYE on the harbour, watched the ferry race on Australia Day etc and after spending the best part of 2 years getting the visa, selling my house and most of its contents and returning with almost nothing, my life is now split in two. There will always be two paths I have to choose from but I will only ever be able to take one and will always know that the other one is running parallel to my life, but I can't walk both. Even my OH sees it pretty black and white, we go back, we get jobs (what people are saying about that is scary!), we build a life for ourselves and then live happily ever after in a great country and our families come and see us and have a fantastic holiday. Maybe I'm just too deep!

 

Anyway, just reading what others have to say has been great and thanks.

[Guest TheArmChairDetective]

welcome boomerangpom to the site, a honest story there that does you credit.

 

As you say, life is a set of sliding doors and you have to choose which one you take.

Its not going to be an easy choice, but as previous;y said, maybe you need to look elsewhere in Australia and should you decide to go back, reach out for your own part of it.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Guest dazla]

I think you may need to consider moving to a different area to that of your husbands family - whilst supportive I guess they may become a hinderance once again!

 

Your daughter will settle and come round to the idea, albeit it maybe once you have actually got there! Kids are kids and say lots of things but there isn't a lot she can do until she is 18 and by then she will have a new life that offers her a great deal more than the UK.

 

I say go for it - but do your homework !

 

Good luck

 

I think its important to realise that just because you live in Australia it doesn`t mean you will get a better life than the UK

[Guest dazla]

Have you thought of moving somewhere else in UK? Of course it is cold and grey there now but in a month or so the buds and blossom will be popping and you will see the colour return. At the moment it is just as oppressive here - walking out into a furnace day after day is draining in the extreme so most folk are sitting at home with the blinds drawn to keep the heat out - or spending a fortune on aircon.

 

The job situation here is not easy either. If you are in NSW they want you to do your hardship posting before you can move into a half decent school anywhere - and the kids in those schools wont be that much different from the lot you have now. That is if you can get a job at all!

 

I'd say you have the guilts because you didnt feel you stayed for long enough and didnt get it quite clear in your head that it wasnt right for you - you probably have the DH in your other ear being negative and unhappy as well. It doesnt sound as if it is Australia that you miss as much as the dream of Australia because your reality here wasnt like that otherwise you wouldnt have left. Just think too that if you go and it doesnt work out then you WILL be trapped there because, as you say, he wont let you take your son if you need to go back home. You need to be very sure that it is what you want to do. I'd give it a couple of years in UK before making the decision to move anywhere (especially in this economic climate) in the same way that I would have suggested spending at least a couple of years in Aus to come to the decision about whether to stay or go.

 

Unfortunately migration is one of the biggest stresses you can have in your life - can shake the most solid of marriages. :hug: I can see you are between a rock and a hard place here:hug:

I totally agree with your post, its so hot and oppressive here in sydney, I would love to be back in the UK, to experience the contrasting seasons. I just spent today inside as the heat was just getting me down

[Guest TheArmChairDetective]

I totally agree with your post, its so hot and oppressive here in sydney, I would love to be back in the UK, to experience the contrasting seasons. I just spent today inside as the heat was just getting me down

 

As I look out my window I see that it is snowing and it is freezing cold.

My nephew just rang me to say that it got to 45 degrees in Emerald last week.

I asked him if he fancied a swop..........permanently.

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He declined!:biglaugh:

[karlom]

Hi all,

 

thank you for sharing all of that information, it is very interesting. We are at the opposite end of the story, we have not left for Oz yet.

 

I lived in AUstralia about 10 years ago for a year and I know that I will love it again and want to stay forever but my fear is that my wife, who has agreed to go for a year or so, will not like it and want to return to Ireland.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how best to ensures she settles in well and wants to stay!..maybe joining social groups from ireland/uk, getting in the Sky TV equivalent to watch some of the programs from home.... any other suggestions?

 

thanks

 

Karl

[Guest earnie]

Hi,

Just wondered why your teaching qualifications weren't right? I'm a teacher in the UK thinking of going.

Hope everythong works out for you - Good luck!

[Guest boomerangpommie]

Hi earnie,

 

The problem with my qualification was my degree. I did a BSc in Human Communication which is basically linguistics and psychology. I then went on to do a PGCE in Secondary English. When assessed by NOOSR this was fine to get the PR visa. Despite 6 years of teaching secondary English, the NSW Ed Dept said that as my degree is not in English Literature or with a large part of English Lit in its content, they found me not qualified to teach English - they only look at qualifications not experience at all. So I am now going to do modules from the secong & third years of an English Lit degree to get this sorted.

 

I also found in Oz that it is very common for teachers to teach two subjects so jobs would be adveritsed (I was looking in private schools) for a teacher of English/History, English/Italian, English/Japanese etc so that didn't help either.

[jo90]

I wonder whether I'll have trouble too as my first degree is in psychology and my PGCE is in primary???:wacko:

 

Best of luck!

[olly]

I think that the extreme temperatures here do contribute to whether people settle or not. While we in Melbourne have had horrendously extreme heat this week, we usually get a break from it, the 40C plus temps have subsided for the moment, although poor Adelaide is still suffering. I know that I could not live in Queensland, but I know people who live up there and love it. They are not inland though, as I went to Ipswich one year and the humidity knocked me over. I think the idea of lliving in a hot country can appeal to Brits if you are in the middle of a British winter (I have lived through many of them too). But the reality is that the humid heat can zap your energy if it continues long term, and it can affect your life. People make jokes about Melbourne getting four seasons in one day etc, rainy cold weather in winter etc, but I like also to be able to rug up during our winter, knowing that another season (Spring) is just around the corner in September, and Spring is moderate and often lovely.

[lezo]

hi just wanted to let you now we have just decided to return to melbourne after we moved there in 04 and i only lasted 10 mnths. visa runs out in may and we think we always regret not trying again and learning from a few mistakes we made!!!! If we all had the benefits of hinsight in life we would have no problems!! Our main thing this time is just a gut feeling it will be alright, we met there 11 years ago while on 12 mnth working holiday. I wanted to live there before we met and so did my oh, we always thought thats were we would bring up our kids, we very shocked when i went a bit loony and teary last time. i had a 7 mnth baby so did feel isolated. any ho good luck an go with your feelings. a big thing for us is that our 3 daughters will have a lovely life over there so we just think of them .....let us know what you decide!!.

[Mongrel]

Hya

 

Great post , My opinion is that it is people sickness that gets peoples emotions ,not home sickness , its the old familiarity syndrome, when things become familiar ,they become mundane ordinary . Its when you are away from them that you miss them , like a long holiday ,you love to get back to your usual place ,but after a while familiarity sets in and it becomes mundane life. Until you actually live somewhere different for a period of time you cant get the familarity aspect of the place. THink think this works both ways in Oz or the uk or whwerever I lay my hat.

 

Mally

[Guest boomerangpommie]

Thanks Mally and lezo

 

You've both hit the nail on the head with what we've been/are still going through and I just know that I could not live the rest of my life without having another go, as scary as it is. Our visas run out in 2012 and if we let that happen, we would be so gutted. I know that my children will be fine back there, the youngest is only four so he's more adaptable and I'm sure my daughter (who is now 13) will realise that it is a good move when she's more mature and able to see the bigger picture - even if she does end up coming back to the UK for a while when she's old enough to.

 

I'm starting two OU courses on Saturday to get my qualifications sorted and they'll be finished in October and we're going to save like crazy this year and then hopefully go back at the end of the year or beginning of next year to get the kids into school for the new school year.

 

I just stumbled onto this website last week during a quiet time at work and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for all of the posts - going over and over it with my OH can be repetitive and sometimes too intense.

[Guest earlswood]

good post but for my half pennies worth I think you might be a ping-ponger and after a few months back in Oz might want to come back....have you thought of trying a different part of the UK on the coast maybe, their are plenty of very good schools that will not tolerate the kind of abuse you have had to endure.

Good luck if you go back....but.