Guest mismo Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Hello all, I have just moved to Adelaide with my boyfriend of 3 years from London. Since I have known him he has wanted to leave the UK for Oz. We broke up because of this many times as I thought, great! I have finaly met the man of my dreams who I have fallen head over heels in love with and he bloody wants to move to the other side of the world! Just my luck! He also thought we should break up many times because we wanted different things (OZ and london!) but we couldnt keep away from each other and would always get back togther missing each other terribely. In one of our "breaks" he went to sydney to look for a job and try to get sponsorship. We were broken up but he would still call and email and while he was gone i missed him so much. I wanted to be with him desperately, even if it meant going to oz. I looked into ways i could live there and was so unhappy without him. He also missed me and ended up confessing his love for me over the phone in oz during 3 hour long talks on the phone, saying he woudl not be content without me and wanted us to marry. I also didnt feel content without him and decided I would move to oz with him. After he came back from sydney, we spend a happy year togther in london and planned how we would both emigrate to oz togther. THe plan was I would go with him and stay for 6 months and if i like it we would marry and stay here and make a life. THe only problem is that we had to stay in Adelaide for 3 years with state sponsorship b4 we could move anywhere else like sydney (where i actually have relatives). Since being here for 2 months I have felt very homesick and lonely. I miss my family and many friends who I am very close with. I used to live with my parents and see my friends all the time. We are all so close, like sisters and am very close to my mum. I speak to my mum everyday on skype and my friends every week on phone. Everyday we are facebooking. My OH is unhappy because he feels i am not giving it a go here and gets upset when i critizize oz and glorify london. I cant help it because i genuinely miss london so much and my life there where i had a great social life, good job, family etc. I have never thought of moving away from london. I did it for love. I thought it would be enough. AM so confused because i know i have to make a decision soon. am going back in march either engaged to be married and stay here in oz, or back for good on my own. It hurts that i have to choose between the love of my life who is so good to me and loves me, and my home in london and friends/family. I feel i cant just make this decision to "just go home and see it as an adventure" and "at least i tried". I cant think like this because it will mean loosing the man who i love so much. He hates the uk and has never felt at home there, this was his dream to come here and he told me that he cant live there. I insisted i wanted to come and he told meit would be so hard as he knows how close i am to the people in my life. He is scared i am going to leave him. SO sorry guys to rant like this. I just feel that no one understands my dielema. Has anyone emigrated with a partner because it was them who really wantedto go? it seems most couples just so happen to want to do the same thing and made a "joint" decision. How i envy them! AM scared i am making a big mistake living here where i feel out of place and not at home, its such a change from london and i have no friends here. I dont feel its me, if we marry and have children it sadens me that my mum wont be around or my friends, i feel so alone. I also feel that if i decide to go back i will also regret it and it will be a bad decision. I love my oh so much, without him i go mad, miss him so much, and he is so caring and supportive towards me right now, very understanding. I feel bad for ruining his dream, by not being positive enough. Sorry to do your heads in. any advice would be apreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wardy Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 hi mismo You sound very unhappy, I see you havent been there to long and the homesickness is bound to be affecting you, have you had the opportunity to meet people the same age as you or to find work. Maybe you could give your self a goal say I will go back to the UK in a few months for a holiday give you something to look forward to who knows in the meantime you may start to become lesss unhappy. Its a difficult decision to make when you have to take someone else into consideration is it worth being unhappy to make someone happy this can only lead I feel to a lifetime of heart ache. Be sure its your decision you dont have children so make the choice while life is less complicated. I wish you luck and happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siblin! Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 sorry , mismo , i hope you feel better soon. Honestly if i were you , i'd consider coming back to the uk to clear your head. You need to make your own mind up . I'm on the complete other end of teh spectrum to you. I have no friends just my OH , he is and always has been my best friend . We met at 17 ( now 35 ) and he completes me we are both best buddies and don't require others in our life . Your life seems full and it sounds like you need others in your life to make it work . Surely you'll make new friends along the way and your Mum will come out and see you , plus by the time you have kids , things may change , you sound along way off having children at the moment , so i really wouldn't think about that just yet. I am a firm believer in the fact that we always move on in life , including freindships , husbands usually last a long time ( well hopefully!) friendships often fade and we make new circles . I know this is hard to hear but alas it is usually true . It is a sad fact that we usually dump our friends for a date .That's life . I think you may need to try and fill your life in Oz .It does take time to make new freinds and i am sure Sydney will be better suited to you by the sounds of it. But again , if your oh is unprepared to live in London and you don't like Oz , life is too short to waste on failed relationships. He sounds like he's not prepared to live in London and sounds like his mind is made up . I would have to ask myself is this going to work ? I do hope it works out for you :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lui A xxx Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 hi mismo....... i'm not sure i have the right words to say............only you and your guy know what is best for your relationship..............i really hope things work out for you both.............i also totally agree with kaye.......book that holiday home.......it may just help.......... good luck...... xxx xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briggy Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Hi hun I can see the turmoil your in, very difficult if you have left close family behind to. My daughter is going to oz with her bf next year she really wants it. He has been unsure but is trying to be possitive about it. I think he will be home sick too. But I know he will have a much better life. I think you should give it a year if you ask on this site you could meet up with peeps in that area, make you feel better to. Would your friends and family not come out for hols? If you do have kids yes it's great for Grand parents to be part of there lives, we are all lucky as we have the internet now and you can see each other over the net. Your little one's would look so forward to seeing your freinds and family and probs getting spoilt too. Kids have such a better life in oz so much to do and no stress. You can always go home when it's raining and think I want to be in oz. Being torn between both lots is hard, but go where your heart is truly. Wether it be in oz or the uk. You wont loose your family ever but you could loose your sole mate. Hope this helps hun:))) Briggyxxx:))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheDraycotts Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Hi Mismo, You sound really low at the moment, and im not sure what is the best advice to give,only i think after reading other posts in the past the first few months are always the worst and you need to give it a little more time before you make any hasty decisions. It sounds like your OH is the love of your life and if i were you i would really try and stick it out for a bit longer giving yourself at least a year and then see how you feel. I understand how close you are to your family and friends, i am in the same situation as i am really close to my family but my Oh doesnt have anyone else so it is an easy desicion for him. He is the most important person in my life and i am going to go because it is something he needs to do,so i will support him, however, if after a couple of years i dont feel its right for me, hopefully he will then back me and do what is right for us as a family.Try your best to get out and meet people and keep yourself occupied so that you dont have too much time to dwell on home, you never know you might start to like it once you make a few friends.:smile: Good luck in whatever you decide x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moonraker1961 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I think in any relationship you have to compromise.Not sure how you're going to get around your particular problem,but I will say that 2 months is a fairly short time.No one can replace your family and friends you have in the UK,no one could expect you to,but I am sure given more time right you will gradually meet some fantastic people who you can become close to and not feel so alone.Its an awful feeling,I know because I moved back to the UK to start again after 30 yrs in Oz.Do you work?Sometimes just getting out and about gives you a different perspective?Its such a hard choice to make.Maybe make an agreement that every year you go home (either with him or alone)for say a month to catch up with your folks/friends.You can't help who you fall in love with,but I would give it more time pet,see how you feel in 6 mths?We're all here for you,i've noticed its your first post so please keep in touch and if you need a shoulder,then post again,take care and please don't feel alone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I don't think its that different from a lot of others there seem to be so many people who come back and forth back and forth. I think living in London must be hugely different from where you are now and maybe you would feel more comfortable in a big City. Like you said though if you can't move because of work thats not an option yet. Maybe a trip back home would help. Best of luck whichever route you choose. Catherine x :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pinhead Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Mismo I really empathise with you, I know what you are going through. Only you can decide what is best for you and your future. At the moment you probably feel that no choice is the right one and whatever you choose will be wrong. You need to be happy in life, that is the most important thing. You can't live your life for someone else but that cuts both ways. Your boyfriend and your friends/family. I know how homesick it can be being away from home after 2 months but it does get better with time. The key thing is to keep busy and do new and exciting things, together. Just because you can't move to Sydney it doesn't mean you can't visit or anywhere else in oz. As hard as it is try and stay positive and talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Hopefully he will understand and make an effort to try and improve your life together in Adelaide. All the best & I hope it works out for you whatever you end up doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Oh wow, sweetie, have some ((((hugs)))) No magic answers from me because I am in just the same place as you except for me the longing to be where I belong is getting worse not better as time goes on. I know just what you mean about the love of your life - I've had mine for 35 years now so am not going to trade him in but he is an Aussie and wont move back to UK so I am stuck here. Much as I hate it here, it has all come down to the fact that this is the choice I have made - confronted, as you have been, with life here with him vs life there without him, I know that life without him is absolutely unbearable. I can live here - sure I can, it's just a place, I dont have to be over the moon about it I just get on with it (sorry, if that sounds rather glib, it isnt meant to be). For you, the difficult thing is making the decision - once you have made the decision one way or the other it will be easier to cope. You may still loathe Australia but there are things you can do to make living here more bearable - get a job would be the first thing and if you cant get a job, go and do volunteer work (SES, Lifeline, other charities spring to mind). Join a gym - aparently the endorphins released by serious exercise are antidepressants and can make you feel a whole lot better about yourself. Try and find a community group which focuses on something that interests you - lace making, novel writing, whatever. Basically anything to get yourself out there in the community and making connections. Dont expect them to replace the strong family and frienships you have back home but try and find a network that can be your support in Australia. This is going to sound really daft but try and ration yourself to contact with your folk at home. Your mum is probably beside herself with worry because she will know that you arent happy so perhaps not to talk to her everyday but maybe just once a week may give you time to try and be yourself in a new land rather than picking at the scab of homesickness. I maybe call my aged rellies once a month if they are lucky - I email them most weeks but the more enmeshed I am with their lives, the more difficult it is for me to live my life here. I survive by going home for a month once or twice a year all depending on what is going on for my family. I absolutely hate leaving each time but in the interim I get to be "me" rather than the role I play in Australia. Just knowing that I am going home (and I plan for the next immediately I get back here - April is next for me) keeps me going. Dont be taken in by the guilt statements - life is better in Aus, the kids will have a better life in Aus blah blah - all bollocks! Life is what you make of it wherever you are and there is absolutely nothing inherently better about living here - for me a "whole" life includes the people and how you can say that you are having a better life without the significant people in it is just plain silly. However the bottom line is that it is your life and you have to live it, you have to make decisions and live with them - sometimes they are absolutely horrible decisions but at the end of the day, you cannot live in limbo. I also disagree with those who say that 2 months isnt long enough - if you know how you feel after 2 months the chances are that you will still feel the same way after 30 years. You can ameliorate the situation by making accommodations but first impressions are often the best. I would suggest that you maybe try and find a therapist who can help you work through what is currently a circular argument for you. If you can find someone in Adelaide who does ACT Therapy, give them a go - they can help you manage the negative thoughts and allow yourself to move forward in whichever direction you want. Personally I use CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) strategies and they help me but some people do find them difficult. Failing that, try and find a book called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, he's a top bloke and his strategies do help. I wish you were closer to Canberra, I would love to have coffee with you but in the meantime please feel free to pm me if you want to chat! Take care of yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sjs Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 hi mismo i notice it is your first post and what an honest post it is - well welcome to pio and you have found in us lot a great support network. a lot of people on here will now exactly what you are going through and i hope you hear from them because you are not alone in how you are feeling. i can only guess how you feel and am not going to advise what you should do - you will come to the right decision eventually but it probably will take time and maybe alot of heartache but you sure do sound madly in love thats for sure. as i said you have found in us a great support network so do keep in touch - i may be in adelaide in a few months visa permitting so if you are still there i will pm you and we could meet if you like ( i will be looking for friends !) best wishes sjs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Sorry to hear that you're struggling. Is this the first time you've lived together as a couple? Adjusting to that as well as being in a new country can be awfully difficult. Perhaps, you should plan to do some things as a couple - get out and about and explore adelaide. Sometimes reducing the contact with people back home a little can help .... speaking to people we miss all the time can reinforce to us how much we're missing them and hinder rather than help the settling in process. Ali x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoanneHattersley Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I emigrated with my husband. Ironic thing is , I settled before he did! LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I feel for you and I think you probably know what you have to do. In any event one of you is going to be unhappy you because you want to live in the UK he because he wants to live in Aus and now you are young and in love. Some people can weather such difference but a lot can't and sometimes you just have to do what you want as an individual, painful though it may be. I know of a couple he gave up his top job in economics and said I am gong to sail around the Islands she said I am not they are not married now. Too much difference of what they each wanted. He remarried a lady who does want to sail around the Islands and they live on the boat in Sydney Harbour when they are not sailing. If you decide to stay with the one you love don't blame him in five years, you will have to put any fault aside and get on with your life or you will both end up miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Hi Mismo, I am sorry I don't have all the answers but just want to give you a big hug and that you have all your friends in PIO who will help you get through this whichever path you choose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuju Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Hi, Sorry to hear that you are hurting so much & i can fully understand how you are feeling & how lonely you feel at this time. I myself have been/still in a very similar situation, where i left 2 daughters in the uk aged 18 & 19 and came to oz with my hubby (2nd marriage), i am lucky to have one daughter here with me in oz aged 14. I have been in Oz now for just over 2 years & as hard as its still seems some times & as lonely as i still feel sometimes, it really does get easier with time, i will be honest & say that even thou i have made some good friends here in oz nothing will ever compenstate for the ones that i left behind or my daughters either. All i can say to you is please give it time for the love of your partner(as you sound so very in love with him). I know you probably hate the sight of everything here in oz & feel like putting oz down & feel so unhappy that you cant be bothered to make an effort or even smile, i also know how it feels the longing to be back home in your safety net & closeness of the ones you love, life is a strange old thing & circumstances often change very quickly, who knows what you will be doing in a years time or where you will be. Moving to oz was one of the most emotional things that i have ever done & still is, it can be an complete heartbreaker. Do please pm me if you would like to & i really hope that in time you become 100% happy as you deserve to be. Take care stuju x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kdal Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Hi Mismo & Welcome to PIO I can see you have lots of replies on here, gives you something to go on I hope. It`s hard to give advice on a situation where there is a loved one involved. Personally if I was that unhappy I think I would have to go back to England and say to OH how you feel and that you are going back for say 3 months to see how you feel. You never know you could be on a flight back to the Australia before the 3 months. My sisters OH did not like Australia (they are in Adelaide too), he came back to the UK. my sister said she would not come back , so it was going to be a possible break up for them. Anyway he booked his flight back for 3 months and went back after 4 weeks !! Now all is well, he had to make changes he choose a different career and gave himself a fresh start altogether. It wasnt easy for him but he stepped outside his comfort zone and he made it happen. He soon realised for him it wasnt Australia if was familiarity. Just to let you know that his trip back here to the UK was after being in Australia for 1 year !!! So in a couple of months you may not feel any better, as this feeling is in your mind now. Only you know what is right hunny, we are here to give you advice that you may be able to explore, but you have to be strong to see some of our advice through. Good luck Mismo, as I have to say this is my fear when we get there too Hugz xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest earlswood Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I know exactly what you are feeling after living in vibrant friendly London gal....listen...If you want to go back, go back, it will not get better if you are so unhappy now....If he wants to stay over here dump him....seriously, there are thousands of fish in the sea and it will take you no time to find someone else....in fact i will be back in London next year gal.....single and avaliable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest earlswood Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 What a sleaze bag I am, I am the lowest of the low, the girl needs you Ealrls,I will stick to my blow up friends. :realmad: jesus :dull: you been sniffing that brick-dust again mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kdal Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 What a ****ing sleaze bag, you are the lowest of the low, the girl needs some support not a new xxxx stick to your blow up friends. :realmad: .. Brickie I think your choice of wording is abit rude and that you should edit it p.s. Earlswood think you should edit the quotation too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kdal Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Wont happen..trust me..and since when was **** rude? .. Well if I were Mismo I would find your wording very offensive and of course there are the kiddies that come on here too. Have some respect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest earlswood Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I have plenty of respect, but Im not the one trying to do the porking, now am I? brickie is better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.:biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Brickie Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Yawn........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest earlswood Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 .. Brickie I think your choice of wording is abit rude and that you should edit it p.s. Earlswood think you should edit the quotation too I have edited it Kdal...have a look:biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest fabadababa Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 If I was in your position and hated it as much as you do, then I'd go home. After all, you didn't want to go in the first place, so I don't see how giving it longer will change your mind. It may break your heart to leave your boyfriend, but how will your relationship survive if you stay in Oz? You're unhappy and he's not prepared to compromise. I'll probably get slated for being negative, but life really is too short - live your life for you, not for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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