Homesickness

[Ceebs-x]

Hello,

Probably not the average post. I’ve only been here a few days and everything is really fresh. But, has anyone arrived and just instantly felt like they don’t belong here? For the last couple of days I’ve just been looking at flights home. I’m finding it really hard. I have come here on my own though, probably would have been easier with someone else. 
 

I‘m here on a PR visa and I fought for ages to get it. I know so many people fight for it too, I really don’t want to seem ungrateful cause I truly am. It’s such an opportunity. But I just can’t shake the “I should be going home feeling”. I don’t have massive ties back home, like I don’t have any property or job or anything. 
 

Suppose I’m just looking for someone who has felt like this, to explain if they got past it or if they went home themselves. Even if they went home and then came back at a later point. 

[Marisawright]

There have been cases of people getting straight back on the plane next day, so it certainly happens.  

I know this will sound harsh, but what did you expect? You've just moved to a foreign country.   The fact that we speak English is just a coincidence.  I'm very aware of that, having tried to settle back in England in 2015.  I realised that I had become too Aussie and didn't belong there any more. 

It's not unusual for people to imagine Australia as Britain with sunshine, and then they are shocked to find the culture is so different.  If that's you, then I'd say you have to pause and decide what you want.  What you've got is a chance to have a brand new adventure in a strange new land.  Of course you don't feel like you belong.  If you want to feel at home, you'll have to be willing to adapt and become an Aussie, and that will take time, if you want to do it.  And there is a risk that it will never happen.

I don't see much point in going home with the intention of coming back later.  Why would it be any better the second time?  I'd say, either stick with it now, or give up the idea altogether.   I know it seems crazy to abandon your PR, having fought so long to get it.  However, it's never a good idea to keep ploughing on with something, when you know it's a mistake, just because you spent money on it. Usually, it only makes things worse.

There is a middle ground.  You could decide to treat this as a sabbatical.  Plan to spend just a year or two in Australia as a working holiday.  Don't think further ahead than that. If it's just a sabbatical, it doesn't matter whether you belong or not.  

Good luck.

Edited February 19, 2023 by Marisawright

[Nemesis]

4 hours ago, Ceebs-x said:

Hello,

Probably not the average post. I’ve only been here a few days and everything is really fresh. But, has anyone arrived and just instantly felt like they don’t belong here? For the last couple of days I’ve just been looking at flights home. I’m finding it really hard. I have come here on my own though, probably would have been easier with someone else. 
 

I‘m here on a PR visa and I fought for ages to get it. I know so many people fight for it too, I really don’t want to seem ungrateful cause I truly am. It’s such an opportunity. But I just can’t shake the “I should be going home feeling”. I don’t have massive ties back home, like I don’t have any property or job or anything. 
 

Suppose I’m just looking for someone who has felt like this, to explain if they got past it or if they went home themselves. Even if they went home and then came back at a later point. 

20 years ago I got off the plane, my then fiance met me at the airport and promptly complained that I had too much luggage. I calmly informed him I had brought my life 12,000 miles to be with him and "hello darling" might have been a better greeting.

I knew it was wrong then, and although I tried hard I have never fitted in here. I would have gone home years ago but by the time I was divorced and able to leave I was broke, but had a better job than I could wish for back home. So I stuck it out with the goal of going home when I retired. I'm now packed and ready to leave. Much turbulent water under the bridge in the meantime.

On the other hand I have many British friends who were unsettled at first but now wouldn't go home if you dragged them!

Hang in there, give it time, and try your best not to compare, but to accept the differences. That should help. 

Many people feel like this at first. Most of them settle, build a new life, and are happy here. Some bail at the earliest possible opportunity. Coming on your own, I would say you need to give yourself time to meet people, get that first job, and give yourself a goal at which point you will re-evaluate your feelings, and see whether you are settling. 

Have a read of this and other forums which will tell you that you feel the same as the majority of posters did. No-one can predict how you will feel in a few months, so take a deep breath and see how you go. Lots of support on here for people in your shoes.

[Ceebs-x]

7 minutes ago, Nemesis said:

20 years ago I got off the plane, my then fiance met me at the airport and promptly complained that I had too much luggage. I calmly informed him I had brought my life 12,000 miles to be with him and "hello darling" might have been a better greeting.

I knew it was wrong then, and although I tried hard I have never fitted in here. I would have gone home years ago but by the time I was divorced and able to leave I was broke, but had a better job than I could wish for back home. So I stuck it out with the goal of going home when I retired. I'm now packed and ready to leave. Much turbulent water under the bridge in the meantime.

On the other hand I have many British friends who were unsettled at first but now wouldn't go home if you dragged them!

Hang in there, give it time, and try your best not to compare, but to accept the differences. That should help. 

Many people feel like this at first. Most of them settle, build a new life, and are happy here. Some bail at the earliest possible opportunity. Coming on your own, I would say you need to give yourself time to meet people, get that first job, and give yourself a goal at which point you will re-evaluate your feelings, and see whether you are settling. 

Have a read of this and other forums which will tell you that you feel the same as the majority of posters did. No-one can predict how you will feel in a few months, so take a deep breath and see how you go. Lots of support on here for people in your shoes.

Thank you I needed that. Your response was very kind. I’m quite sensitive right now so harshness is not well received! 

[ramot]

6 hours ago, Ceebs-x said:

Hello,

Probably not the average post. I’ve only been here a few days and everything is really fresh. But, has anyone arrived and just instantly felt like they don’t belong here? For the last couple of days I’ve just been looking at flights home. I’m finding it really hard. I have come here on my own though, probably would have been easier with someone else. 
 

I‘m here on a PR visa and I fought for ages to get it. I know so many people fight for it too, I really don’t want to seem ungrateful cause I truly am. It’s such an opportunity. But I just can’t shake the “I should be going home feeling”. I don’t have massive ties back home, like I don’t have any property or job or anything. 
 

Suppose I’m just looking for someone who has felt like this, to explain if they got past it or if they went home themselves. Even if they went home and then came back at a later point. 

Not quite the same and a long time ago, in the mid 1960’s i went from swinging London where trust me it was a really exciting place to be, to work as a stewardess  for Zambian airlines. A few other personnel from my UK airline went as well, but I was the only stewardess and didn’t know anyone else. To be honest I treated it as an adventure, a chance to live somewhere right out of my comfort zone.                            Yes of course I was nervous, but I had nothing to loose, I was single, it wasn’t easy at times, but I never regretted finding the courage to go.

I met my future husband on a blind date 3 weeks after I arrived!!! So you never know how life will turn out.

I genuinely think you should at least give it a few months. I can relate to how you feel as I can still remember how I felt all those years ago, and wish you all the best with whatever you decide. x M

[Jon the Hat]

The first few weeks can feel completely alien.  Even basics like going to the shops to get some groceries suddenly requires a level of effort you aren't used to expending.  I personally think the things which are just slightly different are worse as you recognise a lot of things but not everything so you get this cognitive dissonance where expectation of normality and the reality of difference is confusing.  If it was obviously very different you would expect it.

[Quoll]

Not unusual at all. I reckon you either belong or you don't. I never took the decision to come because I thought it was going to be paradise on a stick, I came because it was the best option at the time and I was married to an Australian. Whilst I felt that I was free to move on, that was fine but I can honestly say, coming up 44 years next month, I have never felt like I belong but I enjoyed the adventure for a while. Once I realised I was trapped - about 15 years ago - it became almost unbearable. I was fortunate to have 9 years back from 2011-2020 and that sense of belonging allowed me to get my life back, mentally and physically, something I hadn't felt for a very long time. I still don't belong here but there's not much I can do about that. Interestingly, there are a lot of Australianisms I do embrace like the distances, have a go and she'll be right but I don't have good friends here, even now, just acquaintances, the colours are all wrong for me and I don't share a lot of the humour - I'm a "chat at the checkout kinda gal" - around here they think you're bonkers if you do that. 

I guess, if you can reframe and treat this as an adventure  then suck it and see. As long as you have the freedom to stay or go you will find it easier, just don't let yourself unknowingly allow yourself past the point of no return like I did. But, even if you decide is not for you, there's zero shame in that, just move on - never think of it as moving back because what you had is gone, you can only move forwards. It's not paradise, it's not inherently better, it's just a foreign English speaking country on the other side of the world. 

Good luck and trust your gut.

[Bulya]

12 hours ago, Ceebs-x said:

Hello,

Probably not the average post. I’ve only been here a few days and everything is really fresh. But, has anyone arrived and just instantly felt like they don’t belong here? For the last couple of days I’ve just been looking at flights home. I’m finding it really hard. I have come here on my own though, probably would have been easier with someone else. 
 

I‘m here on a PR visa and I fought for ages to get it. I know so many people fight for it too, I really don’t want to seem ungrateful cause I truly am. It’s such an opportunity. But I just can’t shake the “I should be going home feeling”. I don’t have massive ties back home, like I don’t have any property or job or anything. 
 

Suppose I’m just looking for someone who has felt like this, to explain if they got past it or if they went home themselves. Even if they went home and then came back at a later point. 

Hated it for quite some time.  Now you wouldn’t get me back there in a pine box!

[ali]

I remember feeling it feeling quite an alien environment - little things like not knowing where to buy something, if there was a late night chemist and at the time, no late night shop opening or PH.  I also remember feeling quite 'people' sick, missed connections, history I had with people, colleagues who i'd worked with a long time. 

Give it some time, take the opportunity to meet some people, get a bit of a social life - if at the end of the day you find it's not for you then you've done something a lot of people haven't and it's been an adventure.

[Huntersmummy]

I arrived 7 years ago not knowing where Australia was on the map!!! Let alone knowing the slap in the face cultural differences. Oh my goodness! 
Think of it as an opportunity with a clean slate. No one knows you here. You can grab a job and start fresh. New friends, new apartment, new hobbies. Life is what you WANT to make it. 
It’s a huge stress getting used to a different way of life that your used to. You might start finding things that you never got to experience back home that you love?! 
If your in Darwin before I leave, I know a super coffee shop with the biggest croissants

[Blue Flu]

By all means give it more time. Just be careful not to compromise too much your preferences in order to attempt to 'fit in'. Few things worse perhaps than concluding in the years ahead, that you never really felt a sense of belonging but difficult at some far later stage to rectify. 

 

[Blue Flu]

14 hours ago, Huntersmummy said:

I arrived 7 years ago not knowing where Australia was on the map!!! Let alone knowing the slap in the face cultural differences. Oh my goodness! 
Think of it as an opportunity with a clean slate. No one knows you here. You can grab a job and start fresh. New friends, new apartment, new hobbies. Life is what you WANT to make it. 
It’s a huge stress getting used to a different way of life that your used to. You might start finding things that you never got to experience back home that you love?! 
If your in Darwin before I leave, I know a super coffee shop with the biggest croissants

I suspect the question is whether the life the poster wants to make is in Australia. It's not so easy probably to reinvent a new life when the requirement will probably mean getting rid of some cultural norms. 

Australians, as I'm sure you'll be well aware are socialized differently from Brit's, something not always understood. One thing that bring this home to me is the constant poll results that state Australia is better in wages, standard of living, eating out, seemingly medical system as presently stands, but falls down in friendliness. Not a single person said Aussies are friendlier than Brits. Pubs came out better in UK as well as education , but the friendliness of Brits was the overwhelmingly standout. 

[pob]

I'm a ping pong pom.

I realize I don't belong anywhere really! Traveled too much, lived out of suitcases for too long.

But we have decided not to stay, Mrs Pob had a little accident and I don't know if it was a particularly bad hospital or if the care is just bad here. But we made our decision not to retire here and get old. It's not the kind of country that you want to get sick in.

It will be fun for a year or two in the sun, but we will eventually move on.

 

I had given up and accepted England as my home, then the chance to go back to Australia was sprung on us and we took it based on our memories. It's funny how you remember things, or misremember things.

[jvb473]

I’ve been here 6 months and in the same boat.  I’m trying to stick it out and hope it gets better as my mrs (she’s an Australian and the reason I’m here ) does not want to go back to the UK so me going home would be the end of the relationship.

[Ceebs-x]

5 minutes ago, jvb473 said:

I’ve been here 6 months and in the same boat.  I’m trying to stick it out and hope it gets better as my mrs (she’s an Australian and the reason I’m here ) does not want to go back to the UK so me going home would be the end of the relationship.

I’m sorry to hear that. It is tough. Sometimes I have really good days and then the bad days are really bad. It’s good you’ve managed six months, I think that’s a good amount of time to establish if you want to stay here or not. I appreciate it must be difficult if the decision would mean the end of a relationship though. I’m currently having to take it day by day, I’m not sure I’ll even make it three months let alone six. I haven’t found a job yet and my apartment is up on the 17th of March, so if I don’t have a job by then I might have to go home cause I’m gonna end up running out of money. Leaving it in the hands of fate. 
 

I’m currently staying close to the airport and I can’t tell if it’s a blessing or a curse. In a way I find comfort in knowing I’m so close to going home if I wanted to and other times I suppose it makes me sad. Think it’s more the initial than the latter. 

[Jon the Hat]

4 minutes ago, Ceebs-x said:

I’m sorry to hear that. It is tough. Sometimes I have really good days and then the bad days are really bad. It’s good you’ve managed six months, I think that’s a good amount of time to establish if you want to stay here or not. I appreciate it must be difficult if the decision would mean the end of a relationship though. I’m currently having to take it day by day, I’m not sure I’ll even make it three months let alone six. I haven’t found a job yet and my apartment is up on the 17th of March, so if I don’t have a job by then I might have to go home cause I’m gonna end up running out of money. Leaving it in the hands of fate. 
 

I’m currently staying close to the airport and I can’t tell if it’s a blessing or a curse. In a way I find comfort in knowing I’m so close to going home if I wanted to and other times I suppose it makes me sad. Think it’s more the initial than the latter. 

Where are you?  Australia is a pretty varied place, and I don't think in any of them are the best bits near the airport.  Maybe get out and about a bit, you might find somewhere you prefer.  It is pretty hard while you are not in work though to feel in any way established.

[Ceebs-x]

11 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

Where are you?  Australia is a pretty varied place, and I don't think in any of them are the best bits near the airport.  Maybe get out and about a bit, you might find somewhere you prefer.  It is pretty hard while you are not in work though to feel in any way established.

I’m in Sydney. Don’t get me wrong, I have been going out and doing things. I wouldn’t sit in and do nothing. I quite like being near the airport in Sydney. It’s only like 10-15 minutes on the train to the CBD and like 30-40 minutes to beaches. Location isn’t too bad. I came here on my own though, I never realised how hard that would be. Especially during the day when the UK are sleeping. 

[Jon the Hat]

18 minutes ago, Ceebs-x said:

I’m in Sydney. Don’t get me wrong, I have been going out and doing things. I wouldn’t sit in and do nothing. I quite like being near the airport in Sydney. It’s only like 10-15 minutes on the train to the CBD and like 30-40 minutes to beaches. Location isn’t too bad. I came here on my own though, I never realised how hard that would be. Especially during the day when the UK are sleeping. 

Sydney can be quite overwhelming I think, maybe try heading up the coast, or over to Melbourne or Adelaide?

Yes I can imagine it can feel pretty lonely.  hard enough coming with family to support.  

[Ceebs-x]

15 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

Sydney can be quite overwhelming I think, maybe try heading up the coast, or over to Melbourne or Adelaide?

Yes I can imagine it can feel pretty lonely.  hard enough coming with family to support.  

The CBD reminds me of London if I’m honest, so I’m happy to be out of the city centre. It’s a catch 22 for me because, I was sponsored by NSW on a 190 permanent residency visa. Therefore, I want to try and stay here, even if it’s only a moral obligation and not a legal one.  I think I’d feel a lot better if I knew someone here, anyone, family or friends. I don’t know a soul! 

[Jon the Hat]

4 minutes ago, Ceebs-x said:

The CBD reminds me of London if I’m honest, so I’m happy to be out of the city centre. It’s a catch 22 for me because, I was sponsored by NSW on a 190 permanent residency visa. Therefore, I want to try and stay here, even if it’s only a moral obligation and not a legal one.  I think I’d feel a lot better if I knew someone here, anyone, family or friends. I don’t know a soul! 

There is a lot more to NSW than Sydney though - NSW is about 4 times larger than the UK.  Lots of people live in other places.  Depends what you do of course.  

It is bloody hard making new friends without working I think - maybe find your football team's local supporters club or something?

[ramot]

25 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

There is a lot more to NSW than Sydney though - NSW is about 4 times larger than the UK.  Lots of people live in other places.  Depends what you do of course.  

It is bloody hard making new friends without working I think - maybe find your football team's local supporters club or something?

Google   British groups in Sydney, there seem to be quite a few to choose from.  There are 2 good British pubs, Duke of Clarence is central, the Lord Dudley Woolahra, not quite so central. 

Hope everything works out for you. xM

[Toots]

This info may be useful if @Ceebs-x is a bloke.  There are quite a few bars in Sydney for UK travellers and expats interested in watching EPL and rugby.  Might be OK for meeting people.

https://bbmlive.com/nsw/wheres-the-best-pub-in-sydney-to-watch-epl-live/

[Ceebs-x]

Thanks to both of you. I am a girl though, who isn’t much into football/rugby (or sport generally haha). I wish I was, it would certainly be easier! 

Maybe it’s cause I’m seeing it from the other side, but I feel like being a guy makes it easier to make friends. 

[Toots]

5 minutes ago, Ceebs-x said:

Thanks to both of you. I am a girl though, who isn’t much into football/rugby (or sport generally haha). I wish I was, it would certainly be easier! 

Maybe it’s cause I’m seeing it from the other side, but I feel like being a guy makes it easier to make friends. 

Yes I think you're right.  My husband seemed to have no problem making friends.  I made my friends when we first arrived in Sydney when I started work.  This was over 40 years ago and work was pretty easy to find in those days.  Hope you find it easier to settle once you start work.  It's not easy on your own.

[Toots]

You could try this.

https://www.internations.org/sydney-expats/british