Daughter moving to Melbourne

[Sue22 9]

Hello.  First post which may be in wrong place on this site. I discovered this forum 2 months ago after learning that younger daughter and partner leaving UK to travel to Melbourne on working visa.  They expect to travel before Xmas.  Reading experiences of others who have said goodbye has been very helpful.  At the moment trying to see positives and remember that adult children have to live their own lives.  Whilst hoping that there might be a change of heart (which I know won't happen).

[Quoll 6,094]

When you say "working visa" do you mean the young persons "working holiday  visa"? If so, don't worry, she'll be home at the end of it.  If they've got a permanent visa then, yes, you've got more problems! Start saving your pennies and plan to go for regular visits.  You never know, she may not like Australia, some of us dont, but in the meantime, pat yourself on the back for raising an adventurous, independent young lady!!! 

When I left my parents behind over 40 years ago now, it was very much a case of out of sight & out of mind but now there is instant communication I think it's actually harder because you're constantly picking at the scab of your loss.

It'll all be OK, don't panic!!! 

[Sue22 9]

Thank you Quoll.

Yes she has always had an adventurous spirit and I always used to joke that she would go to Australia one day.

They are going on a sponsored working visa as her partner is a chef.  He has lived and worked in Australia before but she has never visited. They have a home here which they will rent out.

The communication will be ok, it's the loss of the regular day to day stuff which will be hard.

I don't like flying but we would have to plan a trip once they are out there.

 

[Quoll 6,094]

1 hour ago, Sue22 said:

Thank you Quoll.

Yes she has always had an adventurous spirit and I always used to joke that she would go to Australia one day.

They are going on a sponsored working visa as her partner is a chef.  He has lived and worked in Australia before but she has never visited. They have a home here which they will rent out.

The communication will be ok, it's the loss of the regular day to day stuff which will be hard.

I don't like flying but we would have to plan a trip once they are out there.

 

Well, sponsored work visas aren't always permanent either, there is no guarantee that they'll get a permanent visa at the end of it so they're wise to rent out their place.  Often women, especially, decide to move home once the kids start to come.  You'll be fine! I'm rather of the mind that you don't need to be in touch every day because that exacerbates the missingness! I've got one son in UK (he went for a one year holiday in 2002) and one a 4 hour drive away. I go weeks without taking to either and I'm relieved that I'm not enmeshed with my grandkids. 

 

[Sue22 9]

Thank you very much.

It will definitely be a huge adventure for them, I am in awe at the amount of organisation that it takes to make the move.

We had opportunity to move to Canada many years ago, but I couldn't leave family and UK.

Big concerns that she is having to find new homes for animals.  But biggest concern is that her partner has 8 year old daughter with his ex.  Not sure what damage it do to her if they stay long term.  He looks after her on a regular basis.

[Ausvisitor 752]

13 hours ago, Sue22 said:

Thank you very much.

It will definitely be a huge adventure for them, I am in awe at the amount of organisation that it takes to make the move.

We had opportunity to move to Canada many years ago, but I couldn't leave family and UK.

Big concerns that she is having to find new homes for animals.  But biggest concern is that her partner has 8 year old daughter with his ex.  Not sure what damage it do to her if they stay long term.  He looks after her on a regular basis.

I can't see how anyone could do that to a child they have regular parental access to. However I accept that I may be in the minority

 

If I was your daughter's mum (i.e. you) I'd have alarm bells screaming in my head. How is he going to look after and be there for my daughter on the other side of the world when he'd leave his own 8yr old daughter 10k+ miles away without a second thought. I'd be worried he would up and leave once my daughter got boring just like he did when his ex and kid got boring...

 

Its pretty crap being on the other side of the world with no friends and a partner who has decided to skip out after convincing you to make the trip

[Jon the Hat 1,072]

4 hours ago, Ausvisitor said:

I can't see how anyone could do that to a child they have regular parental access to. However I accept that I may be in the minority

If I was your daughter's mum (i.e. you) I'd have alarm bells screaming in my head. How is he going to look after and be there for my daughter on the other side of the world when he'd leave his own 8yr old daughter 10k+ miles away without a second thought. I'd be worried he would up and leave once my daughter got boring just like he did when his ex and kid got boring...

Its pretty crap being on the other side of the world with no friends and a partner who has decided to skip out after convincing you to make the trip

Agreed that is a worrying thing to do.

[Tulip1 4,597]

18 hours ago, Sue22 said:

Thank you very much.

It will definitely be a huge adventure for them, I am in awe at the amount of organisation that it takes to make the move.

We had opportunity to move to Canada many years ago, but I couldn't leave family and UK.

Big concerns that she is having to find new homes for animals.  But biggest concern is that her partner has 8 year old daughter with his ex.  Not sure what damage it do to her if they stay long term.  He looks after her on a regular basis.

I think you’re right to have big concerns.  The damage to the child may be huge and he knows that as anyone would.  He’s not being forced to move, he’s choosing to and has gone to great lengths to make it happen.  Not only is he leaving the parenting 24/7 to the other parent but he’s choosing to not see his young child for a considerable amount of time, possibly for many years.  A holiday once a year won’t cut it and neither will a call here and there.  However you look at it, he’s choosing a country over his child and that child will grow up knowing that.  What does your daughter think about it as it would be a huge turn off for me if a man was happy to do that.  As for having to re home the animals,  again they don’t have to move,  they are choosing to.  Their pets are part of their family.   It seems there’s a worrying lack of taking care of responsibilities going on.  All that’s out of your control but you’re right to feel uneasy about it. 

[Sue22 9]

9 hours ago, Ausvisitor said:

I can't see how anyone could do that to a child they have regular parental access to. However I accept that I may be in the minority

 

If I was your daughter's mum (i.e. you) I'd have alarm bells screaming in my head. How is he going to look after and be there for my daughter on the other side of the world when he'd leave his own 8yr old daughter 10k+ miles away without a second thought. I'd be worried he would up and leave once my daughter got boring just like he did when his ex and kid got boring...

 

Its pretty crap being on the other side of the world with no friends and a partner who has decided to skip out after convincing you to make the trip

We have major alarm bells sounding on exactly this issue.

[Sue22 9]

We have tried to talk to them both about this issue.  They are leaving a lovely little girl, a young cat and a beautiful horse.

It is heartbreaking.

[Parley 7,204]

I feel for you.

We have had members leave their whole family including multiple young kids to go back to UK on their own.

Like you I don't understand how they can do it, but many on here are supportive of them, so there are mixed views.

[Sue22 9]

Thank you.  Yes these things are not definitely not clear cut.

[Tulip1 4,597]

6 hours ago, Parley said:

I feel for you.

We have had members leave their whole family including multiple young kids to go back to UK on their own.

Like you I don't understand how they can do it, but many on here are supportive of them, so there are mixed views.

I think it’s a little different though.  I know some on here have done that but they seem so desperately unhappy and homesick, to the point of it seriously effecting their lives.  They get to a point that they can see no option, even at the expense of leaving their children.  This guy is settled with a home, a child and pets yet still is walking away to try a new adventure somewhere else.  

[can1983 278]

10 hours ago, Tulip1 said:

I think it’s a little different though.  I know some on here have done that but they seem so desperately unhappy and homesick, to the point of it seriously effecting their lives.  They get to a point that they can see no option, even at the expense of leaving their children.  This guy is settled with a home, a child and pets yet still is walking away to try a new adventure somewhere else.  

I cant believe a parent would voluntarily leave their children somewhere else, even with the other parent. Yes they might be homesick to the point of not functioning day to day but having children is a lifelong commitment. I'm in the 'suck it up' and sacrifice camp on this one.

[Tulip1 4,597]

4 hours ago, can1983 said:

I cant believe a parent would voluntarily leave their children somewhere else, even with the other parent. Yes they might be homesick to the point of not functioning day to day but having children is a lifelong commitment. I'm in the 'suck it up' and sacrifice camp on this one.

I don’t disagree but I do think it’s a bit different from this scenario.  Someone that is so low and depressed they can’t imagine anything but a move back home could make them function again is different from someone who fancies an adventure and walks away.  I know I couldn’t do it and I know that would never make me happy but I still see the two scenarios as a bit different.  Both will have the same impact on the child though which is what is most important.  

[Cobs_Ahoy 75]

What does your daughter think about her partner’s choice to make the move despite leaving an 8 year old behind? Does she have concerns about his reliability/sense of responsibility? Does she recognise the impact it will have on the 8 year old, or is she minimising it? 
 

I have a 7yo daughter and she would be heartbroken if her dad pulled this stunt. And in your shoes I’d be dreading your daughter potentially ending up having kids with this guy, especially if that happens on the other side of the world.

[Sue22 9]

I have tried to talk to her about this, even asked how she would have felt if her dad had done this to her when she was a little child.  She is definitely minimising any impact this will have.  I am wondering if he will only feel impact for his part when he has made trip because he has a lovely relationship with his daughter - at the moment.

[Cobs_Ahoy 75]

I feel for you, children moving to Oz at the best of times will be hard, the added concerns about the partner/child situation are no doubt causing additional stress and must make it hard to be supportive.

to go back to your original post, I had very different experiences with my mum and mother-in-law when we told them our plans. Both were upset, but while my mum was also supportive (said she was proud, thought it would be great for the grandkids etc), my mother-in-law has never said anything positive about it. It’s made the relationship with myself/partner and the in-laws really tense, and really soured our last bit of time with them. It’s also really stressed my husband out as he is feeling incredibly guilty, and the result has been that we haven’t really spoken to them about our plans as they develop - when we have tried to update them we either get blank stares/they walk off/they change the subject. My mum on the other hand asks about things regularly and expresses an interest in what’s happening.
 

my mum has said although she is devastated, she views this as ‘our time’, in so far as she had ‘her time’ to make her way in the world, and she recognises we are doing what we think is best for our family. whether this is true, or she is just trying to lessen our guilt, I’m not sure. But she definitely has a different approach to my mother-in-law, and she seems to be handling the move better. 

 

[Tulip1 4,597]

19 minutes ago, Cobs_Ahoy said:

whether this is true, or she is just trying to lessen our guilt, I’m not sure

Probably a bit of both.  She sounds a lovely mum and your happiness will come before hers.  I feel the same.  I’ve always supported my kids decision to move and I’ve genuinely shared in their happiness.  Them being happy makes me happy,   Few if any parent would in their heart chose to see little of their kids/grandkids for the rest of their lives. I doubt your mum is thanking her lucky stars every day that you’ve moved to the other side of the world from her but she’s genuinely happy for you.  The difference is a nice parent like your mum does and says the right thing and a ‘think of yourself first’ (and not hide it) parent does the opposite. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by Tulip1

[Sue22 9]

I am trying to show support because I really don't a rift to develop.  We have always been close.  I am asking about plans and we have said we would definitely visit to see them.  At end of day it's their lives.  Also if things don't work out I want her to be able to feel that she can contact us.

[Cobs_Ahoy 75]

That sounds like a really sensible approach, good luck with it all Sue, however it plays out x

[Quoll 6,094]

12 minutes ago, Sue22 said:

I am trying to show support because I really don't a rift to develop.  We have always been close.  I am asking about plans and we have said we would definitely visit to see them.  At end of day it's their lives.  Also if things don't work out I want her to be able to feel that she can contact us.

Wise move! Burning bridges is never a really sensible idea so it sounds like you are doing the best you can with what you have got. Must admit there are one or two things I would go huh??? at but as you say, their lives and it'll either work or it wont and not much you can do about it.